I WALKED INTO the designated playroom the next morning, holding my Gracie close to my chest. The sounds of two children playing with a kitchen set in the corner filled the room. Their giggles made the older woman smile as she rocked a baby in her arms.
“She’ll be okay, honey. I promise.” Cheryl patted my back, while I was busy chewing on the inside of my cheek. It was a rare occasion that my girl was even out of my sight, when she was awake anyway. She’d never really been around other children, and I wasn’t so sure about leaving her here, even for an hour. It didn’t feel right. My stomach was in knots.
“What if she cries?” I looked over at Cheryl and then at the young lady who approached us with a big smile on her face. She wore pink sweat pants with a matching pink t-shirt, with bright pink running shoes to match.
“I’ll come get you if she has any trouble. We have lots of toys, and we’ve all taken child development classes. You can trust us. I’m Lynn, by the way.” Her soft voice caught Gracie’s attention, who gave her a toothy grin.
“I know it’s hard, Ryan. But spending some time with other women who understand what you’ve gone through can be very helpful. And the meeting is just a couple of doors down. Not far at all.” Cheryl’s assurance gave me a little comfort, knowing I wouldn’t be far.
“You’ll come get me if she cries?” My voice was sterner than I intended, but this was my baby. I was all she had, and she was my everything.
“Cross my heart.” She beamed as she made the shape of a “t” over her chest.
“Okay. Thank you.” My voice was low as I allowed her to take Gracie from my arms. She immediately began to whimper, and I felt as if my heart was being ripped from my chest. I wanted to change my mind and pull her back into my arms, then just hide in my room. But I knew I had to be strong for her. For me. For this new life we were trying to start.
“It’s okay, baby,” I mumbled, my bottom lip trembling.
“You wanna meet a new friend?” Cheryl cooed at Gracie, who stared at her in silence, as I watched intently. Lynn sat on a multi-colored rug across from another little girl, who seemed to be close to Gracie’s age. Gracie began to babble and stared at the little girl, watching her play with a baby doll before crawling onto the rug drawing closer to her new friend.
“She’ll have fun, they always do,” Cheryl whispered close to my ear before coaxing me out of the room, but not before I looked over my shoulder two more times until she was out of sight. I didn’t hear her cry, so that was a plus.
“I’ll introduce you to the group, but don’t feel obligated to speak. You move at your own pace, okay?” She stopped at the closed door in front of us that was simply labeled with a black number four.
“Okay.” I stared at the door and tried to keep my nerves from taking over and forcing me to run.
Cheryl opened the door, and I took in my surroundings. There were five other women in the room, chairs gathered in a loose circle, and the smell of coffee brewing in the air.
A blonde woman, with big hoop earrings, met me at the door. She was wearing a black and white sundress and flip flops with rhinestones covering them.
“Good morning, I’m Kari. I’m the group counselor. You must be Ryan, it’s very nice to meet you.” She reached her hand in my direction, and I noticed a small tattoo on her wrist that read “Enough” in scripted font.
“Nice to meet you.” I joined my hand in hers briefly, before dropping it down to my side.
“Come, have a seat. We’re just about to start.” I glanced around the room and, thankfully, I was met with smiles and nods from the rest of the women in the group.
“Guys, this is Ryan. Let’s welcome her here.” Everyone began to tell me hello as they all sat in their chairs.
“How’d you sleep?” a woman, maybe a few years older than me, asked as she took a seat next to mine. She was thin and looked frail, wearing a pair of blue jean shorts and a black tank top. Her dirty blonde hair was pulled into a messy top knot and she wore very little makeup.
“Not too bad,” I lied with a smile. I hardly slept at all. I saw Aaron every time I closed my eyes. At one point, I could have sworn that he was in the room with me. I even heard his voice, warning me I wouldn’t get away with this. I even took Gracie out of her crib and put her in bed with me. I knew it wasn’t a habit I should start, but I couldn’t help it.
“Okay, let’s get started. Does anyone have anything they want to share?” Kari looked around the circle and waited just a moment before a woman, probably in her forties with a bob haircut, raised her hand in a timid fashion.
“Eva, awesome. Go ahead.” Kari wore a huge grin as she gave the woman a nod.
“I had a job interview yesterday.” She smiled bright and looked around the room as everyone began to congratulate her.
“And I got it.” The room filled with applause and a tear rolled down her cheek.
“Tell us why you’re emotional, Eva.” Kari leaned forward, placing her fist under her chin, giving the woman all her attention.
“I haven’t been able to get a job in twenty years. Bill always told me no one would hire me.” She swiped the tear from her face and continued, “I knew if I ever tried, he would accuse me of sleeping with everyone. I always just stayed home; it was easier than being told I was a whore on a daily basis. Not that it kept him from accusing me. He beat me once because the mail man came to the door about a package. So obviously, I was sleeping with him.” She rolled her eyes as she ran both of her hands across her tear stained cheeks.
“But you took that step, didn’t you?” Kari nodded her head in Eva’s direction.
“I did.” She let out a shaky laugh.
“And I’m proud of you. You should be proud of you too.”
“Thanks.” She brushed off the compliment. “Someone else go.” The group giggled, and another woman squirmed in her chair uncomfortably, and it immediately caught my attention.
“My husband choked me once until I passed out because his brother stopped by while he was gone to the beer store.” Her voice was quiet and shaky.
“My little girl watched it happen. When I came to, she had crawled over to where I lay on the floor. She was crying and calling my name. She thought he killed me. And he didn’t even stick around to see if he had.” She shook her head as another woman stood from her chair and gave her a hug.
“All I kept thinking was that she could be next. He was crazy, and I knew she was no exception to his rage. But I still didn’t leave. I stayed for another year. I’m so mad at myself for putting up with it.”
“Rebecca, you can’t change the past. But you can change the future. You are changing it. You can’t beat yourself up. You can only move forward.” Kari’s voice was warm and consoling. The woman just placed her face in her hands and began to cry. I wanted to hug her; I knew exactly how she felt.
I sat and listened for the rest of the hour, never speaking a word. I almost didn’t feel the need to. All our stories were so similar; they were taking the words right out of my mouth.
When the meeting was over, everyone gathered in a circle and held hands. I wasn’t exactly sure what was going on, but I went along and allowed two women to grip their hands in mine.
The group began to speak in unison:
“Guide my steps, Lord. Show me that I am a survivor. Release me from the guilt and shame I carry. Comfort me when I feel alone. Give me strength when I feel weak. Heal me so I can live my best life. Use me to help others. Amen.”
I stood in silence, watching the tears fall from my eyes onto my tennis shoes, as I listened to the words.
I knew people prayed about things, but I wasn’t one of them. I’d heard of people that talked to God, but I’d never known much about it. Or Him. My heart was full of confusion and worry, but if this God could do all those things, then I would take any help I could get. Even if I didn’t understand it right now.
I had this sudden yearning to memorize the words that were just repeated around me. I had to learn them and tuck them away in my heart. I would stand on them, especially since I didn’t feel like I had much else to stand on right now.