“OKAY, WHAT HAPPENED?” Vicky’s eyes pried into me as she sat down in the chair across from me. I stared down at my sandwich that was still sitting inside the Ziploc bag, not quite ready to make eye contact with her. I knew what she was asking, but I was determined to play dumb, hoping I might be wrong.
I wasn’t.
“What do you mean?” I gave her my best nonchalant glance before pulling my eyes back down to the sandwich I was determined to give more focus than necessary.
“You’ve been around my family enough to know that Madi is...curious. Let’s just use that word.” She chuckled, shaking her head, but still keeping her eyes locked on me. “And she saw what happened after church yesterday. She said Joshua looked so defeated when he walked away from you. She’s determined to know the details.”
She stopped and waited for my response, but I wasn’t sure what to say so she continued.
“I’d love to tell you that it’s none of my business and I respect your privacy. But let’s be honest here, Madi gets it from her mama.” She pulled a carrot from her own Ziploc bag and gave it a dramatic crunch.
I couldn’t help but giggle through my own inner turmoil. I really was thankful for Vicky’s friendship, even her ‘inquiring minds want to know’ personality. It was nice to have someone who cared and wanted to know about my life. It was still an adjustment, but it was a nice feeling.
“I can’t force it out of you, but I’m not above begging. Just FYI.” She shrugged her shoulders and propped her fists under her chin, waiting.
“Okay,” she began, when I didn’t speak. “I’ve known Joshua for a lot of years, he’s a good man.” Her voice became softer.
“I don’t doubt that,” I mumbled, unable to speak my truth.
“So spill,” she demanded, tapping her fingertips against the wooden table.
“It wasn’t a big deal. He asked me to lunch.” I bit the inside of my cheek, trying to control the urge to cry that seemed to hit me out of nowhere.
“Oh, okay.” She stared at me, confusion marring her face.
“I said no, and that was it.” My vision blurred from the tears that were threatening to make an appearance. I tried to will them away, but they weren’t budging. They remained firmly in place, letting me know who was in charge.
“Okay, I understand if you’re not ready. But why are you about to cry?” She reached across the table and squeezed my hand briefly.
“I don’t know,” I admitted.
“It’s okay to move forward. I know, I’m just an old married lady, so dating isn’t exactly my area of expertise. But...going on a date might actually be good for you.”
“I don’t know.” I repeated my previous confession, but for a different reason.
“I’m just going to throw this out there and you can listen to me...or not. But here it goes.” She paused for a moment and waited for me to make eye contact before continuing.
“I’ve known Joshua since he was a kid, when we first started going to Lakeside. It was right after Pastor Andrews and his wife adopted him. He’s always had such a good heart, even as a teenager—when most kids turn into foreign creatures—he was faithful. I know that the single women in the church always have their eyes on him, and most of them have tried to catch his. But he’s so focused; I don’t know any other way to put it. I can assure you, that him asking you on a date didn’t come lightly for him. That’s not who he is.”
I knew her words were meant to convince me that I should give this a shot, but she had no idea that she was filling me with even more reasons to never pursue something like this.
I was still a married woman, technically. I came straight from a battered women’s shelter and had just got my own job and apartment. I had a child and a husband who was determined to strip her away from me. My life came with too much baggage to expect anyone else to take that on.
Especially not someone like Joshua.
He was too good for someone like me. I wouldn’t have any delusions that would try and convince me otherwise.
I was broken.
I was flawed.
He was pure.
Our pieces could never fit together. That was my reality. I wouldn’t try to pretend we could make something work between us. And realizing that from the beginning would save me from any heartbreak.
I didn’t have a choice in the matter. I had Gracie, and I had to focus on building a life for us and keeping Aaron out of it. That was my top priority right now.
No matter how beautiful—or perfect—he was.
It didn’t matter.
“I’m just not ready to date anyone. That’s it.” I forced a smile to cover my partial truth and searched for another topic to leave this whole conversation behind.
“Okay.” Vicky nodded her head and didn’t pry any further. Although, I could tell from the little crinkle in her brow, she had more to say.
But she didn’t.
Thankfully.