Lori

 

 

“Let’s talk about the spa.”

I shift uncomfortably on the soft white couch in the therapist’s office and stare out the window, the trees swaying in the wind heralding a coming storm in the next day or two.

I love the sight, the wildness of the weeping willows, their branches like fingers seeming to reach for something as they’re swept up and flung aside.

I feel like those trees, anchored and yet tossed around by the elements.

“Lori?”

“I freaked out. That’s all,” I manage.

It’s my second session, the first having been a meet and greet, an icebreaker of sorts that I wish had worked. I really hate talking about my feelings, especially when Doctor Nora just sits calmly and gives me a level look, her salt-and-pepper hair surrounding a face that shows nothing but patience and a detachment that doesn’t make me feel as good as it should have.

I don’t expect a motherly concern type deal here, but it’s hard to unburden myself to an unbiased observer who will see far more than one colored by emotion.

“Freaked out,” she says, waiting.

“I lost it, okay? One minute, I was lying there getting a massage, and the next, it felt like everything was numb. I couldn’t breathe or feel, but I could. I can’t explain it other than to say it felt like…I could feel pain and yet my body was frozen.”

Doctor Nora nods and scribbles something on her pad before sighing when I keep silent.

“You keep referring to these episodes as a panic attack or freak-out, and yet I think you understand that it is much more than that. I read your files, and as you know, I’ve spoken to the Wylder parents. I know your case, as it happened, but that’s not the whole story. Only you can tell me everything, Lori, and then maybe I can help you. If not, I’m afraid it’s just an hour a day listening to you talk in circles.”

I agree. I know she’s right, and dammit, I came here to get help so I can go back to my life and live like a normal, sane, functional human being, but I don’t want to talk about these things! The sweat of nerves has already popped out, wetting my brow, slicking my palms, and just thinking is making breathing a danger because my breaths are coming faster than is normal, while my head feels fluffy from too much oxygen.

But I can do this. No, I have to do this because I need help. I’ve spent the past two nights sleeping two hours if I’m lucky, and I feel so drained I’ve been shuffling with fatigue.

Poor Rain keeps looking at me with these anxious glances, and Alric hasn’t stopped trying to spike my juice with sedatives, poor guy. If it didn’t freak me out, I’d be so amused by his sneakiness.

And Wolf. God, just thinking about him makes me mad! He left yesterday morning and hasn’t been back. Bear finally mentioned in passing that he’s gone to train with some secret military team and won’t be back for a while.

He seemed pissed but also guilty when he let it slip. I handled myself well though, pretending I didn’t hear a word. Not easy since I was ravenously curious when I didn’t see him lurking outside my door like I’d hoped.

Stupid imagination and sexual feelings.

“When I got home the first time after…after everything, it was like walking into someone else’s life,” I start, needing to do this even when the need to pass out hits me.

“Breathe. In through your nose, out through your mouth, slowly. Good, that’s good,” she murmurs when I obey and feel the feeling return to my numb fingers. “That is completely natural, Lori. You were changed after your ordeal, so everything in your life, the one you’d been secure in before, must have been alien to you. Survival makes the trivial seem more meaningless.”

Yes! Yes, that is exactly it, but it was so much more because I knew I had to go on, and it was harder forcing myself to do all the right things when what I wanted was everything wrong.

“Yeah, but it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. I mean, I went back to work, took up karate, and even went out. It was like…like I could forget the bad stuff, you know, and just live.”

“But can we ever forget what shapes us in the individual moments of life? A little girl sees a mother and her baby and knows love, maternal love, and the need to have that one day. So, she lives her life striving for a family. Or she sees that love and resents it because her life isn’t like that and never has children because she doesn’t want to risk letting them grow up the same way. Little moments, Lori.”

God. I really hate it when people are so right about things I don’t want to hear. But she is right. Each moment shapes us. Just, unfortunately for me, my moments turned out to be terrible ones most of my life, except for Grangran’s love, until she died and left me alone.

“So, you were okay for how long?” she asks when I remain silent.

“Two, three months. Then it just hit me. Going to the store was like walking into a house of horrors. My friends calling were like listening to a foreign language. It all happened so fast, you know, that I couldn’t quite fight it. I love working, and yet one morning I couldn’t walk out the door. I fainted as soon as I touched the doorknob and woke up an hour later only to crawl into bed and just…lay there. It’s not like I’m depressed. I know I’m not. It’s like…”

“Describe your ordeal.”

I do. I tell her everything, giving her a strange look when the buzzer pings, signaling the end of the session, and she ignores it, waving at me to continue. I don’t leave anything out, even when I start going numb and the danger of another attack gets worse.

Somehow, I fight through it, breathing like a race horse the whole time, and when I’m done, I feel… liberated.

“You’re reliving those moments when you were drugged. The numbness, the cold, the fear.”

“Yes, but it’s worse this time because I know it’s not really happening but I can’t do anything to stop it. I should be stronger just knowing that it’s not real, and yet when I can’t stop any of it, I feel more terrified than when it actually happened. Does that sound crazy?” I ask, digging my fingernails into my palms.

“No. It seems to me that it makes you feel more vulnerable.”

Yes, but more than that. I can’t understand how I was doing fine and then suddenly it was like my life was falling apart, as if my mind was crumbling like a soda can, bit by bit.

“I don’t know if that is the whole reason. If it was just a few attacks, I would be okay, but it’s like I can’t think sometimes. It happens at the oddest times. The store. Work. When I hugged Danny, for God’s sake! What the hell is that? I love Danny, and if I should trust anyone, it would be her. I don’t understand it. Some guy on a website called me out because I thought I might have PTSD.”

She hhhmmms the way shrinks always do but doesn’t give me an answer, the very act ticking me off because I am here for answers, not some self-actualization process that I could get through alone without spending money that I don’t have.

“I need answers, Doctor Nora.”

“You have the answers, Lori. You just need to examine everything with a clear head and embrace your moments.”

Embrace my moments? What the F is she talking about? I’m not into hippie psychobabble about finding inner strength and your inner child giving you some secret, deeply hidden answers. If I was capable of fixing myself, I wouldn’t be here, lady!

“Doctor Nora—”

“That’s our session for today, Lori. I want you to go home and spend some time walking around, inside or out in the garden, whatever you prefer. I want you to stop thinking for a bit and just see the world around you and take it in with your senses.”

“What?” I mumble, curling my lip. “I took a walk yesterday, and it didn’t help shit.”

She smiles at me, the way you’d look at a five-year-old who just told you he crapped all over the toilet seat and you got to clean it up, and shrugs.

“Yesterday was yesterday, Lori. Today is another day all its own. Just try it. What have you got to lose? Go outside if the weather permits and take off your shoes. Feel the grass, the air, hear the sounds of the wind rustling the leaves. That’s it. Just feel the simple things in life and focus on the little details around you. No overanalyzing your feelings or picking it all apart trying to relive it all to find the answers.”

Jesus, what the hell is this, I wonder, snorting an affirmative before shaking her hand to leave. Rain is waiting for me and smiles patiently, waving away my apology for the session overrunning.

“No worries, honey. I just found out that Brad Pitt isn’t married to that lovely Jennifer woman anymore. Shocking.”

Her expression has me laughing, and I’m still snorting as we walk out to the car, my belly rolling with mirth.

“That happened like ten or eleven years ago, Rain,” I gasp when I can’t stop even after she’s pulled off—seat belts first though!

“No!”

“Yes. He has like a million kids now and married Angelina of the hot lips Jolie. It was a big thing. Huge. They have like a huge house in France, and their kids scribble on the walls and run around like heathens with no boundaries.”

Even she can’t keep from laughing; her eyes rounded comically when she chortles.

“How modern! My kids got a swift butt slap if they even thought of ruining the house.”

“Yeah. My sister once spilled juice on Mom’s living room carpet, and she stayed in her room for three days. I got a bell-ringer the one time she caught me touching the oven, and I just wanted to make fish sticks.”

Rain sighs at the memories I can’t keep at bay sometimes and keeps her eyes on the road while I watch the trees blur into green and brown blobs.

“How was it today? She still giving you those weird answers? Fucking hippie.”

My chuckle is loud when she grins and curls her lip, even though we both know she adores Dr. Nora.

“Still giving me the wax on, wax off version about how I’ll find my inner voice and hear the answers. All I want is a pill that says ‘no more freak-outs’ on the capsule. Is that a stretch, man? We walked on the moon, but one little mental problem and it’s like I’m asking a Jewish man to taste bacon.”

This is what we talk about lately, and I notice, thankfully and with a huge amount of gratitude, that Rain and Alric don’t mention Wolf at all. We’re all pretending I don’t jump every time the door slams or look around as if searching when I come into a room.

It’s…nice. Better than I could have hoped for with the way they watch me with those knowing eyes. Only…the feelings I have, the panicking and all that bull crap, seem to have worsened after he left.

I got so pissed off when I figured that out at two in the morning, while I lay on the bathroom floor panting into a towel to stifle the sounds, I almost screamed bloody murder.

Damn Wolf.

“I saw a shrink for three years after Sparrow died, and I was on some gooood stuff for a while until I woke up to a new day. You’d be surprised by how easy it is to overlook the answers you need to get better and heal,” she says softly.

My head whips around, and I gape at her, the quirk of her lips a sure sign that she knows she’s shocked me.

“Don’t gape, Lori, honey, I am not superhuman. I was a wreck for a long time, and it took me a while to get better. Alric had already picked himself up and stopped drowning in the bottle, and the boys were all…”

“Looking for revenge. I know, Rain, but it just seems so unlike you. You’re like the cool shaman type mom who talks to the wind and is in touch with the earth or something.”

“I’m a modern woman, married to a modern man who doesn’t believe in hocus pocus and all that. I believe in people walking the path they choose to walk. You’re on a path that’s strewn with perils right now. All you need to do is choose the right turn and you’ll be okay. If you want to be, that is. If you can look past my son and his troubles and be as strong as I know you are.”

The first mention in days has me tensing and looking away to avoid her knowing eyes. I don’t hardly let myself think of that person who shall not be named because when I do I have some breathing problems. I tell myself it’s late onset asthma, and it’s been working so far.

I just use an imaginary pump that’s filled with ‘do not think of him’ gas, and I am right as rain again. If I keep it up, I may actually believe it and not feel like I’m going crazy.

“Rain, I don’t want to talk about this, okay?”

“Nope. Not okay. I know you and Wolf were together.”

Cringe. Oh no.

“Don’t look at me that way, Lori. I’m not a prude or one of those Victorian ninnies. I was glad until I realized he’s being an ass.”

Oooh, I more than snort at the understatement and throw her a mirth-filled glance that’s dripping with derision.

“Ass? The man kept me locked in the basement like a dirty secret, and despite the fact that I was supposed to have the usual kidnap victim’s response, I listened to everything he said to me and found a way to deal with it. I even fell for his lines, Rain, so I’d say the fact that he slept with me and then told me to leave is more than him being an ‘ass.’”

Her muttered agreement makes me feel terrible, but I’m not going to sit in a car with Rain and lie just to make her feel better. The truth is that I love her, a lot, but she’s not going to make me soft soap the situation.

“I know, but you have to understand that things were very hard for Wolf after…Sparrow. He was torn up, but he had to push it all to the background and keep things going after Al and I broke down. The boys were nineteen at that time, and Wolf was only twenty-two. He’d already been fighting for two years and just got home on leave when it happened. He left it all, he had to, because we…I was too weak…”

Her sniffles make my heart sink, and I can just imagine what that time must have been like, but I also won’t let her excuse him. That happened eight years ago, almost nine, if this year would hurry up and be done already.

It’s the past, not to be forgotten, but Wolf has had a long time to stop being a bastard.

“Don’t. Don’t upset yourself to explain him to me. I don’t hate Wolf.” Lie. “I just don’t want to be near him. I’m over that whole issue with what happened between us. Right now, I just want to focus on me, on getting through my issues and moving on. I’d like to do that and still have you as a friend though.”

“Always.”

********************************************************************

“I can’t believe you didn’t call and tell us about it! It wasn’t even on the news.”

I roll my eyes at my mom’s rebuke and ask myself why I listened to Danny and called at all. I don’t call my mom and dad, ever. I love the old bat, but she’s not exactly sensitive to other people’s feelings, and she always finds a way to make everything about her.

“It wasn’t on the news because no one knew I was missing. My boss got a message on his machine saying I had a family emergency, and well, I was okay, so it wasn’t a big deal. I just have some issues to work through with a therapist.”

“Nonsense. If no one hurt you, then I don’t see what the big deal is. Are you going to send us something to get the power back on? Your dad’s been sick, and the ranch only has him on a few shifts every other week now.”

“Mom…I’ll see what I can do, but I can’t promise much. I’m on leave at the moment, and I have a mortgage to pay.”

See why I don’t call? I left this all behind a long time ago, and yet in the last two months, I’ve been trying to rebuild our relationship to no avail. All my folks want from me is money, a hard pill to swallow seeing as I just wanted to have them show some concern.

Yeah right!

“Well, try, Lorianna, please. Things are tough, and it wouldn’t be real fitting of you to live in a nice house when your own parents are suffering.”

I’m suffering! It’s been a week since I came down here, and I’m scheduled to go back home in two days. I can’t put it off much longer, no matter how nice it’s been with the Wylders. Danny keeps asking me to quit and move down here on the concept that Bear wants to help me out and give me a breather until I get back on my feet, but I can’t do that.

Besides not being okay with losing my home, I just can’t stay here indefinitely, no matter how good it looks or how badly I want to.

I’m no better. Yeah, I tried that shitty nature walk and cleared my mind of everything, and you know what, nothing. I still freaked when Danny invited a woman from her baby class over, and it took me almost twenty minutes to get out of the car to go see Dr. Nora yesterday.

Tomorrow is my last day because the day after, I’m flying out at eleven and I won’t be back any time soon. It’s depressing, but there you have it, and I find it hilarious. I love a family who basically kept me prisoner. No one else would have looked at the situation and been all ‘they’re doing what is best for my safety.’

I guess I must be really messed up.

“So…call me if you can help,” Mom says after a short silence, and I huff at her persistence.

“‘Kay, bye.”

“Lori! Come on down here, babe. Mom made cookies.”

I hear the yell and grin when not two seconds later my door bursts open and Lyon leans in, smiling like a lunatic.

“Cookies! They’re still hot, and I chilled the milk, so it’s gonna be epic.”

I follow and spend the next ten minutes groaning around the cookies and milk, watching Lyon devour half a plate, which is a struggle for the glutton who eats as if he’s never had a decent meal in his life.

“I’ll come with you, stay a while, just until you’re on your feet again.”

“No,” I mumble around a mouthful of cookie. “I need to go home and do this by myself. I’ve been doing the sessions with Doctor Nora, and she’s got me in with one of her pals in Texas so I can just go home and keep doing what I have to. Therapy and work and hanging out with all my friends. She says I need to keep going and push through.”

Lyon growls, his name so apt when he makes the sound that I can’t help a giggle and shake of the head. When I’m with Lyon, it’s all easy. I never, okay, well, hardly, ever freak when he’s around except that time at the spa, but that was just…anyway, he makes me feel happy, and as much as I love and appreciate him for wanting to help, I need to move on.

“What if you can’t leave the house? What if you starve because you don’t go shopping and you’re too stubborn to call? I can drive you to work and do the shopping, and if you want to go out, I can go with you.”

I hear laughing and twist hard to see two men in the doorway, their faces almost exact replicas of Lyon’s. Holy shit on a cracker, I think, staring in slack-jawed wonder when they amble in and Lyon practically throws himself from his chair into the arms of…wow.

All I can say is wow as I look at the three of them slapping each other’s backs and hugging in that weird man way that isn’t at all cool but is endearing.

“Lori, I’d like you to say hello to the ugly part of my triplet nightmare. This one on the left with the lazy eye is Hawk, and the ugly ass on the right with the flat ass is Lynx.”

“Hey! I’ll tell Ma. Remember the last time you called me ugly? She about took a strip off you.”

“Because you cried like a bitch!” Lyon grunts, grinning at…Lynx.

I smile, battling with the urge to bolt as the two come over to kiss my hand and take a seat on the other side of the table, immediately attacking what’s left of the cookies.

“She’s hot. There must be something wrong with his dick if he walked.”

“True. I’d totally have ‘baby mama’ tattooed on her ass to stake a claim.”

“Tattoo? Dude, that’s so eighties, man! Nowadays you drop a kid in them and that’s all that needs doing. Nothing says owned like a baby on your woman’s breast.”

“True, but I’d want to spend at last a year on marriage, ya know, loooong nights of no baby shit.”

“You’re a pig.”

“Hey! You’re the one who thinks impregnation is a wedding vow.”

“Not a vow, just a reassurance.” Lynx grins incorrigibly, winking at me.

I can’t help my giggles or the laughter that erupts when Lyon leans over and slaps them both upside the head.

“Shut up already. Where have you two been?”

“Oh, ya know, having some time off after the last eight years of no fun. Bear said we could just have a ball.” Hawk snorts, shaking his head. “Not. We’ve been with Jake and his team down in Jersey. We were closing out a deal that Bear said is our last, setting a trap for the Red Dawn bikers running guns for the Morietties.”

Lyon stills, and I get the impression he’s shocked while Lynx and Hawk slap each other’s backs and lean back to stare at Lyon.

“We’re done? Are you serious? Bear never said a word!”

“That’s because I wanted to surprise you and that big asshole Wolf.”

We all look up when Bear walks in, smiling at them softly. That’s before Lyon’s up and on him, hugging him so hard I hear Bear groan with a huff of laughter.

“Bear, man, oh, Bear, thank you,” he chokes.

I slip out of the room when they hug some more, Bear whispering something at Lyon that has him shuddering and pushing his face into his shoulder.

This is a private time for them, so I leave and find myself smiling as I go upstairs and start packing in preparation for tomorrow’s departure. The rest of the day is spent either listening to the Wylders make plans to take the team they assembled years ago and branch out, maybe run a few government jobs in places that shouldn’t ever be visited, or—

“No, we’re going private. I spoke to Jake and his guys, and they all agree that we want to help people who need our expertise. Kidnappings, trafficking rings, etc. are to be our main focus. It’s time we gave back and did it in a way that benefits our own people, not the brass,” Bear grunts, smiling at an excited Danny.

That’s how the rest of dinner goes, with the men discussing an agency of sorts and setting up headquarters.

I’m truly, truly happy for them, I think with a smile. This has been a long time in coming, and I’ve had enough conversations with Lyon to know that not everyone in the Wylder clan agreed with Bear about remaining undercover for the rest of their days.

Wolf, it seems, was just waiting for his chance to ‘get out,’ and he took it the minute he could. Too bad he ran before Bear could put his plans in action.

“You’re sure you’ll be okay? Why don’t you let Lyon go with you?” Bear says later that night as everyone starts branching off, the three guys going to a bar to let loose and celebrate a long-awaited freedom, while Danny snores on the sofa and Rain sits over knitting that’s getting the better of her.

“I’ll be just fine, Bear, just fine.”

“I don’t like leaving you alone with this problem when—”

“When? Don’t say that you feel responsible, Bear, because that’s bull and you know it. What happened, happened. I’m only alive today because you and that ugly brother of yours chose to help me and Danny. I’m grateful to you, always will be, so don’t walk around with a guilt you have no place feeling. It’s time for you to stop thinking about everyone else and let go of your guilt. You can’t save everyone.”

My soft words startle him, and I feel his shock from fifty freaking paces before he suddenly grins and hugs me so hard I groan.

“You’re family, my family, and you call if you need anything,” he growls into my hair. “We love you like…a sister.”

Oh, hell, I won’t cry, I tell myself, sniffing to hide my tears.

“And I love you all like my family. But even family has to let go sometimes, Bear. Now, stop trying to crack my ribcage, and take your wife home. She’s starting to drool,” I chuckle, hearing his grunt of amusement when Danny lets out a loud snore and indeed starts leaving a wet spot on the cushion under her cheek.

This is what I want to remember in the coming days. Family.