Hawk

 

 

“What’s eating you?” Lyon asks, grunting at me when I spot him and grab the weight to pull it back up and onto the rack.

I grunt, ignoring him as I push away from the bench and go over to the treadmill, leaning against it because I just don’t want to work out right now, even if I need to burn off some steam.

Three days. I’ve been stopping myself from calling Mika for three days, and it just pisses me off the longer I go without seeing her. I should be grateful she stopped things before I could hurt her, but I’m not.

I’m angry at her for being so set in stone about what we had or didn’t, and I am angry at myself because I knew she’d expect more and I went after her anyway.

“Hawk, if you keep scowling at me that way, I’m gonna assume I did something to piss you off. What’s wrong?” Lyon asks, coming up to swipe a towel over his face and down a bottled water.

“Nothing.”

Yeah, like I’m gonna stand here and tell my brother that I screwed his girl’s sister and I made her feel like shit because I assumed we were ‘having fun.’

Jesus, I could have dealt with that situation a lot better, with a lot more charm, and maybe won her over a little. Why didn’t I, I wonder, gritting my teeth when the answer hits me.

Because I’m a bastard and I wanted her to be with me on my terms. I didn’t call her from Paraguay, because I didn’t want to do the talking, phone love thing that all women like. I didn’t even tell her I was leaving, because that smacks of being committed and I didn’t want to give her the wrong idea.

But the sex…

She obviously thought I wanted more than just sex, wanted more than just a light relationship with no promises. That’s on me because I didn’t make things clear, and I feel like hell that I led her on when the truth is…

I don’t know what I want from her. I like her. A lot. She’s funny and beautiful, and she makes me feel invincible when she turns to me with those sad eyes and looks to me to make things better.

Not that I do. I mean, I just point out facts and don’t beat around the bush, something she needs when she’s surrounded by people who will lie to her because they love her.

I have always kept it real with women, but I admit now that I didn’t say a word to Mika about what I thought we’d be because I didn’t want to risk having her push me away and tell me no.

I wanted her so I took her and assumed she’d just fall in with my plans. Her parting shot, that she didn’t want to burden me with her mess, still makes my gut clench because I want to be there with her, holding her hand and giving her strength when she needs someone to just be with her.

“Hawk.”

I groan when Lyon gives me his commanding voice and consider hitting him to get him to shut up but decide against it because he has his wedding in two weeks and Leila would kill me if I mess up his face and her wedding photos are shit.

“What? Christ, what do want?”

“Talk. To. Me. Something is bugging you, and it’s bad enough that not even your perpetual bastard attitude can kill it. What’s wrong?”

“Yeah. What the hell is wrong, grumpy ass?” Bear asks as he strides in behind Wolf, blocking off the door with a grin when I snarl.

“Leave me alone.”

“Nope. No can do. Ma called us this morning and told us you didn’t show for dinner. Now I know something must be wrong if mama’s boy is letting her down and not pandering to her every whim,” Wolf laughs, making me grind my teeth.

“I’m not a mama’s boy. I just happen to love Ma, and since you idiots don’t talk to her about stuff, that leaves me. She gets lonely now that you have all moved out.”

I can’t really blame them. I moved out too because living with my mother at twenty-nine is just plain pathetic. But it’s true. Mom isn’t very stable when it comes to us, and she needs at least one kid to coddle to feel needed. God help me, I got stuck with the job.

“That’s life, Hawk. Kids grow up and leave home. I live right next door to her, so don’t play that card, man. I see her almost daily when she comes to visit Danny.”

“Yeah, okay. Sorry,” I grumble, sitting against the wall and leaning back with a groan.

“Now that you’re listening, I’ll ask you again. What’s up?”

I snarl at Lyon but decide to spill the beans because, well, I don’t give a shit if he gets angry. I’ve had to talk him through his relationship with Leila enough to know that he’s not perfect either and he fucks up too.

“I slept with Mika.”

Not a one of them look shocked, and I feel like an ass when Bear grins and Lyon and Wolf mutter, handing over piles of cash.

“Yeah?”

“I slept. With Mika.”

“Yeah? So? It was bound to happen, the way you two have been sniping and circling each other for months.”

I glare at Wolf when he just shrugs it off and groan when Bear pitches in.

“What he said. What’s the big deal, man? She’s perfect for you. She snarls back. She insults you in a sweet voice we all find hilarious. And she’s gorgeous. What’s the issue?”

The issue? How can there not be an issue when I know that they all expect me to get married and spit out babies any day now.

Which won’t happen even if I do go for it with Mika. She can’t have kids, and I may not know that I want any kids, but the possibility is there. Just not with her.

“I don’t want a relationship. She got pissed because I went away and didn’t call her.”

“No shit, asshole. You call a woman if you’ve slept with her and are gonna see her at family events,” Lyon says, narrowing his eyes at me. “No! No, don’t you dare sit there and tell me that you thought it would be okay to have a little tickle on the side with her. Not if you intended to put a shelf life on it.”

I will not tell him that, because he looks fit to kill just thinking it and I don’t want to die. My brothers love me, but each and every one of them see Mika as their sister, and after what she went through, she’s even more beloved because they feel blessed just to have her here with us. I get that. I feel that way too. Just not…romantically. Sex is one thing. Having Mika with me permanently is just too much commitment right now.

“I had no such intention! I just didn’t expect her to think that we were hot and heavy after one weekend together.”

“Why not? Did you ever say the words ‘this is just fun. All I want is sex’?” Bear asks, ripping at his tie while staring me down.

I hate having four brothers. I really do. They’re nosier than women, and they start hitting when you don’t tell them what they want to hear. I always win because I’m meaner and I fight dirty, but still.

“No. Why would I say that shit to her? I thought she understood,” I defend, hating the slight untruth to the words because I know that it’s not true. I just don’t want to admit to my mistake.

“So what? What exactly happened, and what did she say?” Wolf demands.

I shrug and fiddle with the water bottle, keeping my eyes on the thing so I don’t have to look at the ugly apes.

“We were together for the weekend, and it was great. I took her home and left for the job in Paraguay that afternoon. And then I did my job.”

“And came back here expecting her to just fall in with your wishes now that you’re ready to talk to her again?” Lyon snorts, shaking his head as if I’m an idiot.

“You’re an idiot,” Bear mutters. “The least you could have done is call. Five minutes, Hawk. That’s all it takes to let someone know that they weren’t just a fuck. And you better hope you don’t think that way about Meek, because I love you, but I will kill.”

His warning falls on deaf ears because I’m already processing it all, and I wince when I recall the conversation outside her self-defense class. Jesus, I am an asshole.

“I’ll talk to her.”

I have to because she has her procedure in a week or so, and I don’t think I can let her go through that alone. I can’t tell anyone, and that means that she has no one else. Just me.

And I will be there for her no matter what she says.

“Yeah? And say what?”

“That I’m sorry.”

“Not good enough,” Lyon says, giving me a filthy stare. “You know what chicks feel like if the guy they sleep with just walks away?”

I don’t need him to tell me because I already know, and it makes me feel terrible to think that Mika feels that way. That I made her feel that way.

“I know, Lyon. Don’t even say it,” I warn.

“Fine, but you’d better make this right. Mika is fragile—”

“No! She really isn’t. I wish you’d all stop looking at her like she’s a step away from dying. It’s not fair, and it makes it hard for her to be around you all when you do it. You think she enjoys having her sister try to cut her meat for her?”

They all rear back, and I’m glad I said it when they all groan and mutter.

“Shit.”

“Lyon, no offense, because I love Leila and you know I would kill for her, but she needs to lay off Mika. She makes her call her daily and give her a full-body rundown of what she ate, how she felt, and when she passed stool. It’s annoying and disrespectful, and it pissed me off, so how do you guys think it makes her feel?”

Lyon winces and nods, his expression showing regret and some fear because he’s the one who will have to talk to Leila. She means well, and she’s great. She’s just not easy to deal with when it comes to pointing out when she’s wrong.

“Damn. She’s going to feel awful.”

“Good. You all should. Now, I’m going to get out of here and maybe try to talk to Meek. Don’t tell Leila about this, okay? Mika will kill me.”

They’re all laughing when I walk out, the mirth at my expense making my hackles rise. I need to talk to her, I know, but whether she’ll listen is another matter altogether.

 

 

Mika

 

I look up from the number sheets I’ve been going over for the materials and let out a squeak when I notice Hawk standing in the doorway, his staring making me feel twitchy and awkward as I shift in my seat and clear my throat.

“Lynx and Pop are in the house, if you’re looking for them.”

I go back to the numbers, cursing my lack of concentration when I lose my place and have to start again. Twice. I can’t focus, not with him still standing and staring at me, but I refuse to look up or acknowledge him again because I’m still angry and hurt about the way things ended three days ago.

I went home and cried over a bowl of butter icing that made me so sick I almost puked and a rerun of Misery that had me wishing I was strong enough to tie Hawk to the bed and use a hammer on his ankles.

He stands there for minutes, looong minutes, wherein I tell myself not to dare glance at him again. I fail, of course, and almost throw my stapler at him when he smiles, as if he’ll stay there all day and wait patiently.

“Pop and Lynx are in the house.”

“I know. I came to see you though, so I’m not interested in where they are.”

He says it easily, as if I should be okay with him being here, and I mutter something nasty under my breath and grimace.

“I told you—”

“Not to call you. I didn’t. I came to see you,” he says, grinning.

“I don’t want to see you,” I say right back, sort of enjoying the way he winces and rolls his shoulder in discomfort.

“Look, Mika, I know I don’t have the right to come here and ask you to listen to me—”

“Nope.”

“But I won’t leave until you do, so it’s all your choice,” he says stubbornly, proving his point when he sits down on the couch and gets comfortable.

I have a lot to do before five rolls around, and I don’t have the time or patience for this, but I know Hawk, and he’s wearing the look that tells me he’s not leaving until I at least hear him out.

SOB. MF. BS.

I mutter the abbreviated curses in my head and glare at him, giving him a look that I know would boil any other man alive. Hawk just quirks a brow.

“Fine. What do you want?”

“Don’t be pissy, Mika. I came here to apologize to you and tell you that you’re right. I was an asshole, and I was being unfair expecting you to want what I wanted without talking to you about any of it first.”

The tone he uses, as if he’s not comfortable speaking about this, is deliciously enjoyable, and I want to smirk when he shifts on the couch and swallows a grunt.

“Okay.”

“I’m just not ready for marriage and being committed and having to answer to anyone for my actions.”

“Whoooah! Stop right there. Who the hell ever once said anything about marriage or commitment?” I ask, throwing him a snarl of my own because, dammit, I like the sound of that.

Hawk stills, and for once I see him look stumped and very confused.

“Uh, no one?”

“No one! What did you think, that we had sex once, okay, a lot of times over the weekend, and suddenly I would be up your ass for a ring and a preacher?”

Okay, I feel insulted. I don’t care if I already have a ring picked out in my head or that I know a preacher. I never once put any of that on him. Not once. I just didn’t expect to feel like a hooker after one of the best weekends I have ever had.

One lousy call. Just one!

Hawk flushes when I laugh darkly and narrow my eyes.

“You know what your problem is, Hawk? You think you’re God’s gift to all women and that your dick is crack. Well, it isn’t! I’m a grown woman, I have a brain, and I don’t sit at home making wedding albums every time I meet a guy. All I expected was one call. ‘Hey, Mika, thanks for a great weekend and the best sex I’ll ever have. It was fun. Wanna hook up next week?’ See, that is not so hard.”

“Seriously?” he asks, looking perplexed by my lack of girlish tears and hysterical crying while I cling to his leg.

As fucking if!

I may feel like doing it, and yeeees, those wedding photos in my head are whack. I’ll admit it, but the gall. I mean, come on.

“Seriously. Like I said, I have my own mess to deal with right now, and it’s not as if I even see you as husband material, you know.”

Liar, liar, pants on fire, I sing, grinning at him because he is so spot on with some of his shit, but I would rip my own tongue out before I let him know that. A woman in my position has to keep some pride after all.

“What? Why not?”

He sounds so offended by my last quip I have to laugh because leave it to him to get side tracked and mortally offended that I don’t think of him as a good bet. It’s hilarious because he’s been trying to prove to me for a week, actually since Saturday morning, what a lousy boyfriend he’d be.

He didn’t make me coffee, and I had to make him breakfast. I wanted to giggle because he thought he was being slick while I was just relieved I didn’t have to eat anything he cooked.

He didn’t once hold my hand, not that I care because I hate it when my palm gets sweaty and it’s just damn awkward to pull away so I usually end up suffering through it.

He fell asleep on the couch as if to show me he’s not bothered, while I crowed because it meant I got to change the channel and watch Miss Congeniality.

The man is transparent! And adorable. And super offended, I see when he glowers at me, waiting for an answer.

“Well, I mean, let’s be real here, Hawk. You hardly talk, you don’t do anything that in any way signifies caring, and you hog the covers while you’re sleeping. I enjoy being with you as a friend, and the sex was great, but you’re not really…commitment material, and I get that, so it’s no big deal that we’re just friends now. Honest,” I say brightly. Biting my lip because, hot damn, I so don’t want friendship.

It’s for sissies who don’t know how to live in the moment. But it’s what I can have and keep from making a fool of myself, so I’ll take it. Maybe in a few weeks I’ll get over it, and if my uterus isn’t trying to grow a monster, I may just move on and ask Harlan out.

He’s sexy and safe, and I won’t have to guess about his intentions. I think. I mean, I’m flailing here, guys.

“Friends?”

“Yep. Friends. Now, fiend, I mean friend, get out of here so I can get some work done.”

“What about, you know, your procedure?” he asks softly, making me cringe inside because I fully expected him to be there and now I don’t think I can deal with it.

“Tiff’s going with me. Don’t sweat it,” I lie, praying that she’ll be down for it without freaking out.

“Uh, that’s…good. You’ll call me?” he asks softly, pausing at the door.

“Yeah.”

“Promise me, Mika, or I’ll show up wherever you are and I won’t leave until you tell me what’s happening.”

“Promise.”