Hawk

 

 

My balls are on fire and my ass is melting in a pool of heat as I squat down beside Brass and keep a bird’s eye view on the government building where we’re reconing a foreign diplomat with very questionable assets.

I’ve been stuck in this pit for two weeks straight, eating and sleeping in an abandoned warehouse where all we have is two cots and bottled water to drink and maybe rinse off the worst of the stink.

Brass has been in seventh heaven though, his smile never fading because the freak lives for these jobs and doesn’t seem aware of how gross it is to smell like old balls most of the time.

I wouldn’t mind either. Hell, I’ve been here many times before, and being dirty and trapped is just part of the job I love. But here’s the thing. I miss Mika.

I haven’t talked to her in almost a week because Bear snarled at me to conserve the power on my satellite phone and not give our positions away by making battery swaps every other day.

I’d have broken his face wide open if he was here and asked him how he’d feel if he couldn’t talk to Danny for weeks. That had me pausing because I haven’t ever felt the need to be this way before and, honest to hell, it scares me to think that I’ve become so dependent on Mika that being away from her makes me ache.

“Stop sulking! You’ll see her in a bit. We should have this wrapped up in another week, max,” Brass mutters, readjusting his scope while I sit back against the wall and ignore the filth on the floor beneath me.

“I’m not sulking. I’m just not feeling this dirt anymore.”

“Duuuude, this is not dirty. My team and I went into the foothills in Afghanistan one time on a recon and stayed there for almost four weeks. We smelled so bad by the time we got back to base even the other guys stayed away until we showered. I’d have burned my uniform if I didn’t think they’d charge me for the shit,” he laughs, making me smile.

No, I may not know what that’s like, because I’ve never truly been to war but for those few months that I trained with some of America’s elite at Bear’s command.

It was great. I went out to Afghanistan as a freelancer after I completed training, and I saw a lot, but I wasn’t cleared to go on missions since the powers that be weren’t willing to have Bear up their asses if I got my ass shot up.

This is okay though. I have this job, and despite my feelings when I was younger, I like it. I’m good at it. I know how to read people, and blowing shit up is every man’s dream. Or it should be.

But I stink, I’m disgusted with the smell of my teammate, and I miss Mika. It’s that simple.

“She’s probably at home by now, watching TV and eating cookies.”

Brass snorts and casts me an amused look because of all of my friends, he’s really the only one I talk to. Everyone else steers clear, and even my brothers know I don’t do the heart-to-heart crap most guys pretend never gets said.

Brass is my buddy though, and years spent with the guy covering my ass has formed a bond that isn’t ever going to break.

“Yeah. Or washing her hair. Or doing a million other things chicks do when they have time away from their men. I’m glad you have her. Have I told you that yet? It’s been a wish of mine that you find a good woman, someone to fill in the dark places. I’m happy for you, man.”

His serious, almost somber tone gives me pause, and I look at him with a question burning in my eyes.

“What’s up?”

He sighs, and I watch him adjust the scope again and shrug.

“You know, before I enlisted, I was in love with this girl back home?”

“No. You never said anything.”

“Well, I was. Her name was Daisy Carter, and she was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my life. She had hair the color of sunset all the way down to her fine ass, and these eyes that were a clear, almost ice blue. I was in senior year when I got up the guts to ask her out, and man oh man, I remember being so nervous I almost puked when I walked up to her,” he says with a grin, making me chuckle and tease him.

“That’s because you’re a pussy, man.”

“Shut up, idiot. I’m telling you something deep here. Daisy, she was just cool, man. Pretty and smart and sweet. I looked at her and just wanted her. She wasn’t popular or anything, just this pretty small-town girl who I adored. So, I asked her out and she said yeah, yeah, because she liked me too.”

He laughs, and I get the feeling this story isn’t going to end well, because I know Brass, and if he loved her, I would see her, know her, because he’s the kinda guy who’d never let go or just walk away.

“We were together for three months when her parents decided they were going away for the summer to visit relatives. I begged her not to go, had my parents swearing high and low she’d stay with us but she’d be chaperoned the entire time. I loved her, and I didn’t want to spend months without her.”

“She didn’t stay,” I say softly.

“Nah. Her dad wouldn’t budge. Said he wasn’t leaving his daughter with a little shit with stars in his eyes. Which was totally true. I’d already debauched my fairest love, and we were hot and heavy by the time he pulled me aside and threatened to kill me. Yeah. So, anyway, she had to leave. So, I kissed her goodbye, long and hard and knowing that I would be miserable for the time she was away.”

I feel him now because it’s only been two weeks but I miss Mika’s smile and her smell and holding her after hot sex. I just miss her, and even knowing I’m okay doing this job, even happy to be here, I want to go home to her.

“She fall in love with some surfer boy and break your heart?” I ask.

Brass scowls and shakes his head, gulping at me with eyes so empty and sorrowful I almost tell him not to finish the story.

“Their car was hit by a semi halfway to California. Her dad died instantly, and her mom died in the hospital a day after.”

Shit. Hell. I knew this story wouldn’t end well, but fuck!

“Daisy?”

“Was in a coma for weeks, and when she finally woke up…she wasn’t the girl I loved. She’d sustained a head injury that totally messed her up. She couldn’t walk or talk or feed herself. She was like a little kid. But I loved her, ya know?” he rasps, still staring out of the scope as if by keeping his eye on the target he can keep himself together.

“I know.”

“So, I stuck around, no matter what Mom and Dad said. I wasn’t gonna just stop loving her because she wasn’t perfect anymore, and it pissed me off that they thought I should just walk away. Daisy…her family stuck her in this shitty, cheap care home, and I hated that. They didn’t care for her like I wanted them to. I was determined not to abandon her the way her loved ones had, because she was mine and you don’t just jump ship because things aren’t perfect. But see, my parents, they had plans, and hanging around Daisy all day every day was not part of the brief. So, Mom and Dad made a deal with me. They said they’ll pay for her to go to a good place where it’s clean and the staff are good and Daisy will be happy. If I let her go and enlist like every Paton before me did.”

“Fuck.”

“Yeah. It wasn’t really a choice, ya know? If I hung around, she would stay in that shithole and have me, but if I left, she got to be somewhere nice. And it wasn’t even as if she knew me, ya know? She was…not there most of the time. So, I walked away. I made the choice to put her before my own feelings and give her what I could, even if it hurt. I walked, and they fulfilled their promise and put her in this great place down in Florida. It was nice. I stayed away for five years and did what I’d promised. Moved up the ranks and made my family proud. Fought, got a few medals for bravery, but I never stopped thinking about her, and you know, I loved her. I still loved her so fucking much I wouldn’t look at another woman even if I couldn’t have Daisy.”

I can hear that, and despite my usually cold control, I feel my chest go tight with sorrow for him.

“I finally cracked when I was twenty-four and went to see her when I came back on leave. I thought…hell, I don’t know, but all I did know was that I missed her and I couldn’t go another day without seeing her. Maybe she would never know me or be the Daisy I knew, but she was mine. You know what I found?” he asks, laughing humorlessly. “She’d died the year before, and my parents never said a goddamn thing. They just pushed it all under the rug because I was doing what they wanted and Daisy, she didn’t matter to them. This girl I loved, who I lost, was just gone.”

“I’m so sorry, Brass. So sorry. That must have killed you.”

“Nah. The day I walked did that, man. The rest was just more shit to shovel. I left the service a year later. You know that since you were already with me, but I never talked to my parents again. So, yeah. Today’s the anniversary of Daisy’s death, and I feel like shit, but you know what? It’s okay because I got to love her, even if it wasn’t for all that long.”

Not that long? It was a breath of time that hadn’t even faded before he lost her, I think, swallowing the lump in my throat when he sighs and looks at me.

“Mika is a fine woman. She’s been through hell, come out the other side, and made something of her life. You’re lucky to have her, to have seen her live and come to you. I don’t want to interfere, and I can’t tell you what to do or how to feel, but if you have any love for her, you don’t just throw that away. It only happens once for some of us. Cherish it.”

I nod, too raw to speak, and spend the next hours thinking about what I want from my woman. I care about her a lot, and yeah, what we have is special and could be love and so much more.

I want it to be more, and I want to look at her one day and see that she’s happy, that I’ve given her everything she could want. I just don’t know how to get over the hurdle of marriage.

It is not just me being a prick. I know people see it as the ultimate commitment, but I’ve never wanted a piece of paper to speak something I think should be shown every day.

I need time. Maybe with time I’ll get to a place where being with my girl will lead to everything else.

 

 

Mika

 

I roll out of bed and run for the bathroom, falling to my knees and puking so hard my throat gives a protest. Once I’m done and I feel my stomach subside, I fall to the tile and just breathe, ignoring the fever, the way my body feels drained, and the thoughts I have swirling in my head.

I don’t feel well at all, not at all, and I’ve been like this for three days now, alternately pretending I’m okay or trying to ignore the warning signs that just should not be here.

I am terrified to death right now, and I need Hawk to come home and comfort me because he’s…mine and I want him. I’m feeling like hell, and I’m scared that I need to go back to the doctor, and to make matters worse, I keep getting these creepy phone calls at all hours of the day with some freak breathing over the line before hanging up.

Last night, I was ready to bolt because I swear I heard someone outside my bedroom window, and it scares the hell out of me to think that someone will come into my house while I’m sleeping and hurt me.

I’ve been wary of freaking out about it and telling anyone because I know if I mention any of it to Lynx or Leila or just anyone, Hawk will stop whatever he’s doing and come home.

Or worse. He’ll have to stay there, because I know this job is important and he can’t just leave. And he’ll worry. I don’t want him distracted when he’s in danger, so I haven’t said a word yet, hoping that ignoring the ass will make him lose interest.

That’s not even my main concern now though, believe it or not, because as I’ve said and as the toilet is screaming, I’m not doing good, and I’m so scared that something is wrong that it’s making me antsy.

Rolling to my feet with a moan, I struggle to the sink and brush my teeth, my eyes round when I look at myself in the mirror and see the pale cast to my skin.

I dress for work, telling myself that I feel okay and it’s just a passing bug or the remnants of that virus I never fully shook. The sickness passes, thankfully, and I go into work feeling semi-decent, concentrating only on work and getting through another day without hearing from Hawk.

By five I’m drained and ready to hit the road but also reluctant because, I swear to God, really, there was someone creeping around outside my window and I don’t want to go home alone.

I want Hawk, I think, my eyes spilling over as I try to tell myself I’m being a baby.

Baby…

No, it’s not possible, I think, latching onto the crazy idea, even knowing it can’t be true. I know it can’t be true because I’ve already been through all this. I want to believe it though so bad because a baby would explain my symptoms just as well as an illness would.

Rising shakily, I grab my purse and store everything away, about to leave when Pop walks in and sees me.

“What’s wrong?” he asks immediately, his eyes narrowing. “One of them guys give you shit again, because this time it won’t be Lynx beating the shit outta a man. I’ll kill him.”

I giggle and shake my head, adoring them all even in their violence and complete lack of respect for human life.

“No, Pop, honest, no one’s giving me hassles.”

“Then, why have you been crying, and don’t say you haven’t, girl! I can see it.”

“I miss Hawk.” The excuse is as good as any and not a lie, so I don’t feel guilty when Pop hugs me and gives me a peck.

“I know, girl, but he’ll be home soon. Now, you skedaddle and get yourself home. You need rest, Mika.”

I so do. Maybe I’ll take the gun Hawk put into the safe and sleep with it. I refuse to be afraid, and I absolutely will not hide or cower, I think, kissing him and leaving a minute later.

The drive is made too fast, my hands tightening on the wheel when I get home and have to leave the car. The house is silent when I walk in and lock the door, the absolute silence making my nerves jump as I slowly walk towards the kitchen and tell myself to calm down.

I’m being silly! Honestly, there could be a million reasons I heard noises and shuffling outside last night, I tell myself, grabbing a steak from the fridge.

I almost lash out and scream when hands surround me from behind, and I do twist, intending to go for balls, when a hand closes on my knee, and I look up into light-blue eyes.

“Hawk! Goddammit, you scared the hell outta me,” I yell, slapping his chest before flinging myself into his arms.

“Hey, babe. Good to know you’re in fighting form when I’m not around,” he chuckles, palming my face to lay one hot as heck kiss on me.

He doesn’t stop until I’m moaning and boneless, my only thought being him and the fact that he’s here with me and safe.

“God, I missed you, woman,” he growls, kissing me again, and again, and again, because he can’t seem to stop.

“M’too.”

“Good, because that means you’ll be okay with me getting Lynx to give you time off,” he mumbles into my mouth, making me pause and push away.

“What?”

“You’re mine for the next week,” he crows, palming my ass to lift me onto the counter and push between my legs.

“Uh, what are you talking about?”

“You. Me. A cabin I have out in the woods. Long nights. No worries and definitely no clothes.”

Um, now, I know that should sound romantic, but I just got through having a meltdown because some freak is calling me, and freaking out about the fact that I haven’t had my period and I’ve been sick for three days.

I’m not feeling a romantic getaway right now, but neither do I want to say that when he’s grinning at me and touching my boobs.

“You went behind my back and got me vacation time?”

“Um.” He hesitates, and I giggle, can’t help it, because he never hesitates and the fact that he does makes me feel powerful.

“Hawk.”

“Okay! Yeah, I, uh, asked Lynx if he could spare you so I can have you all to myself for a week before I have to head out again. Give me a break, Meek. I haven’t seen you in four goddamned weeks. I missed you like hell, and I just had my first shower in what feels like forever,” he says gruffly, stroking my hair back across my shoulders. “I want some time with just you and me and no family calling or kids needing babysitting.”

Okay. That’s sweet, and I want that too, but I promised Hawk total honesty, and I will give him that.

“I haven’t had my period,” I say, wanting to clear this up before we go any further.

Hawk stills, and I gulp down hurt when he stiffens and puts distance between us, his body language going on the defensive when he turns to look at me.

“Don’t look at me like that! I don’t know what’s going on, but I’m optimistic because I’ve been hurling and my boobs feel like they’ve been pummeled.”

God, am I hoping, I think, praying again that it’s good news and not something I’ll have to suffer through again.

“Mika, I thought—”

“I know, okay. I mean, I know what I said because that’s what the doctor said, and I can’t be sure, but I would be lying if I said I’m not hoping! And not just because I don’t want it to be cancer again but because…I want this,” I whisper, willing him to be okay with this.

“We’ve talked about this, and you said—”

“I did, and I meant it, but you can’t blame me for still hoping. I love you,” I say softly, keeping my eyes on his. “I do. I love you, and I want to have all those commitment things with you. Babies or baby and marriage and celebrating anniversaries. Is that so wrong?”

He leans against the counter at the sink and stares out of the window into the creeping dusk, his shoulder tense and hard as he drops his head and finally turns it to me.

“I don’t want to hurt you, and I know that hoping for a kid is better than hoping that it’s something else, but we’ve talked about this. What if it’s…”

“I don’t think it is. I was cleared just weeks ago, remember, and the doc and I spoke about a whole lot of stuff from PCOS being a possibility right down to early menopause because my parts are wacked out. I don’t want to scare you by saying it, but I promised I’d shoot straight with you, screw the consequences, and here we are. I haven’t had my period, and I feel awful, and I hope…because I love you and I want this with you,” I choke, noting that he hasn’t once said anything about the L part.

And that it doesn’t seem like he will.

The rest of the conversation I won’t go into. I can’t, because it ends with him leaving while I sit in the kitchen for a long time and cry.