Lyon

 

 

The heat of the jungle is oppressive, and I breathe in a little deeper as I keep position behind a wall, crouched so low my knees start aching an hour in.

I’ve trained for this stuff, though it’s only recently that I’ve used any of it in combat situations. Today, I’m on ground duty with not a rifle or a bomb blast in sight.

Just good old-fashioned recon to get intel on the comings and goings of the drug lord this place belongs to. We usually do this kind of thing with hostage recovery in mind, but this time it’s all about infiltrating to recover a file that should not have fallen into the hands of a criminal.

The thought is amusing because not too long ago that government would have considered all of us the enemy and sent someone like me to collect intel.

Not that they would have gotten a damn thing, because Bear is such a paranoid schitzo that he knows when people are planning surveillance before they do.

But yeah…recon.

It’s my job to stay out of sight and take note of routines, unscheduled arrivals, and, above all else, the location of the man we’re targeting. I have a job to do, and I’m good at it, but as the hours pass slowly, all I can think about is Leila.

That last time I saw her made me feel sadness and a grief that made me pull back and re-evaluate the way I’ve been living for the last few weeks. I stopped everything I was doing, work, plans with Jake and Brass, my other friends on the team, everything, really.

Because all I saw was Leila. And that’s the problem with her and me. When we’re together, we don’t see other people. It’s just us, and on the odd occasion, it was Hawk and Lynx too, but that wasn’t…they were just side dressing to our main course.

I had to step away because it became clear to me that I was crowding her and making her pull further away. Once I had distance between us, I could think clearly again, and what I now know hurts, but I am stronger for it.

I blew my chances with Leila a long time ago, and she does not trust me enough to give me a second chance. The facts are there, and I can’t deny them.

So, it’s up to me to be the bigger man and actually be her friend instead of using it as a stopgap to get to the relationship I want. I broke faith with her once. I can’t do it again.

Admitting this is not easy. Far less easy too when I acknowledge how smoothly I was playing the friend card while undermining her boyfriend.

I don’t think he’s good enough for her. Hell, I know he isn’t, since I’ve seen it with my own eyes, but then, I don’t think any man is good enough for her. Not even me. I do know that no one will love her as much as I do. Not ever, and not because she isn’t worth that kind of love. It’s just that I love her so much no one can match it.

“Lyon.”

I hear Lynx over my coms and sigh because I know that ass is bored and wants to use the time to rag on me.

“What?”

“So, I talked to Bear yesterday, and he said they haven’t seen Leila in a few days. You talk to her lately?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“I’m working, asshole, and she’s busy.”

She is! I know her job was still there for her, but she also had a cow about me forcing her to stay off the full five weeks because she was stressing about the work that was going unattended and the fundraiser she had been planning before she was kidnapped.

It’s a convenient excuse, and I will use it because no way will I tell my nosey brothers that I’m hiding out in a drug-infested shithole to lick my emotional wounds.

“Bullshit. The Lyon I know would wait outside her classes just to see her for five minutes.”

That is true, and it used to drive her crazy. As well as make her kiss the hell out of me later. I was very much obsessed with Leila when I was young, and I would do the weirdest stuff just to see her even when I knew it would be hours waiting for a handful of minutes with her.

Love, baby, love.

“We’re friends, Lynx. Friends,” I remind him, keeping my eyes peeled even as he jabbers on.

“I don’t believe that either. What you guys had was epic. That shit doesn’t just die.”

It can if you purposely set out to kill it dead, I think, wincing at the memory. I was drunk, and I don’t recall it all, but I remember what ended us, and it came out so easy with the booze I can’t think about it without hating that bottle. Or myself.

“Lynx, mind your own business, asshole, and stop talking to me. I’m busy.”

“Playing with your balls? I have eyes on Eagle. He’s still stuffing his fat face and playing with his mistress’s tits.”

“What else do you want? Leila is in a relationship. We are friends. She made it clear to me that she doesn’t want anything else, so what else is there for me to do?”

“Christ, you remind me of Wolf with your stubborn ass. She’s yours. Don’t let her get away because you think it’s the right thing to do, man. You are both miserable apart, so be together.”

I hear his frustration, and we’ve already had this conversation. Lynx and Hawk think I should just go for it and lay my cards on the table. Hawk thinks seduction is a definite winner, while Lynx thinks I can tug on her heartstrings.

Both methods smack of manipulation, and I refuse to do that to Leila. I want her to be with me because she chooses me, not because I turned her head with sex or words that can’t come close to describing what I feel for her.

This time I won’t pursue her and break her down. That boy is long gone, and all that’s left is me, so if she wants this guy, she’ll have to make the first move.

Besides, I really am working! I love this job, and I won’t mess it up for anything, not even Leila. At the end of the day, I finally understood that a really lasting relationship isn’t about just sacrificing. It’s about making the best of what everyone needs.

Leila needs her job and her sister and all the things she dreams of, and I need this job. It’s not the Army, but it comes damn close, and I love it. This is me, and if we’re together, then we’re together with both of us happy, not me giving up what I want to be with her or vice versa.

“Lynx, just let me be, man. I came back to work to get away from things. Just give me a break.”

The silence over coms is deafening before I hear him sigh and mumble a curse.

“I’m sorry, bro. I get it.”

I don’t answer, but I know that he’s there if I need him, and that makes a big difference to me at a time when I feel alone. Sounds like something a woman would say, but I don’t care. We all have feelings, no matter if we have a dick or not. We all have a right to feel.

Right now, I feel like I am just lost, and I don’t know how to come back from it.

Three hours later, Brass crawls in beside me to relieve my shift, and I scuttle back to the rendezvous just as Lynx reaches the road. The car Brass left is there waiting, and it’s another hour later that we’re back at the motel a few miles away and sharing a bottle of whiskey.

And no, I know what you’re thinking, but it’s not a problem anymore. I only ever drink hard liquor when I have a buddy, and tonight, I don’t need or want it as much as I just want to chill out and not think so hard.

“I’m sorry about getting all up in your business, Ly. I had no right, and I won’t do it again.”

“Lynx, I appreciate you and the others being up in my business, because it shows me you care. Don’t worry about being nosey, man. It’s just that I know how you all feel and how I feel. I just don’t want to think so hard for the next while.”

He grunts and pushes his feet out, crossing his ankles with his glass clasped over his belly.

“I don’t want this shit if love is hard, man.”

“Love isn’t hard, Lynx. It’s real easy, brother. It’s being someone that is worth loving that’s the hard part. I had Leila for such a short time, and it was easy and hard and beautiful. I made her leave, not the other way around,” I mutter, drinking a sip and enjoying the burn.

“You were going through your own stuff, not just her.”

I don’t want anyone to ever lay the blame for this at her door. If I hadn’t been such a tool, she’d have stayed with me through thick and thin. She screamed that at me before she left, and it cut me in two.

“I was, and I used it as an excuse to push her away, Lynx. I knew we were getting ready to run the vendetta, so I cut her loose, and I didn’t do it easy. I’m lucky Leila is so forgiving and doesn’t hate my guts.”

His face goes still, and I know he’s gone to Leila’s camp when he narrows his eyes at me and his lips thin.

“Explain.”

My sigh is long, and I grimace because I don’t want to spend the night talking about this, but Lynx, he loves Leila as much as he loves me, and he won’t quit until I fess up. I know him.

“The life we’ve led, would you have subjected the woman you love to it? All the late nights and hanging out with criminals. The booze and drug parties we used to gather intel. The danger of retaliation for that. Would you have wanted me to bring Leila into that?” I ask.

“No.”

“Then you understand that I had a choice to make. Family or Leila.”

“You should have chosen her. All you got with us was a shitty eight years and—”

“And the vengeance I needed for Sparrow. That was all I thought about after Bear put it all together. We had to wait for him to come home, but it was there. It was real. I needed that, and there’s no way I could have let it go and walked away. So, I chose. It was the hardest decision I’ve ever made, Lynx. I cried like a girl when she left me, but no one can blame her for it, because I made the choice and then made sure she didn’t have one of her own. She was with me when we got the news. She dealt with my anger and drinking and all that shit, even with what she was dealing with. It wasn’t easy for her. In fact, I think I made it almost impossible, but she stayed with me.”

Lynx huffs, and we spend a long time drinking in contemplative silence, just going over our own stuff in our heads. Very lately for me, it’s been my sister, and yeah, I know I’m fixated on it a little too much eight years on, but this thing with Leila has brought it all up for me.

I love Sparrow, but I’m pissed too, and hashing my way through it all isn’t easy.

“I think she loves you too, just doesn’t know how to deal with it. Time. Time does great things for the soul, bro. Just be her friend and look after her, and she’ll see what is right in front of her.”

“You’re a freaking girl sometimes with the advice, you know.”

“Screw you, man. I know what I’m talking about,” he snarls, scowling at his drink before shooting it and pouring another.

“Oh yeah?”

Lynx snarls again, and I’m still laughing at him when Wolf and Jake walk in, their faces grim.

“We got movement on the compound. Brass and Tully are keeping watch for now, and Hawk is in position for a shot if they move before we get there. Let’s move, gentlemen, and do this as clean as possible so we can get home,” Wolf says, grabbing his own gear while Lynx and I scramble for ours.

Part of me hopes this isn’t it for this job, that I have more time before I have to go back and face the music. And how fucking sad is that?

Hiding from Leila and myself.

 

 

Leila

 

“I got us both the crawfish and a side of the black eyes.”

I smile at Rory when he stands to kiss me and push my chair in, my stomach growling at the thought of food and some quiet company. With a lot of effort, I can safely say that I’ve put things right between us.

I just wish I was happy about it when he takes my hand over the table and starts stroking my wrist with his fingers. I know what this is leading to, and the minute it sinks in, I get that crawling feeling under my skin.

It takes a lot not to shudder and pull away, but I keep my hand where it is and force myself to smile and not ask him to stop. Two weeks. I’ve been at this for two weeks with no contact between me and the Wylders, save for one call I made to Rain to explain that I needed some time alone to get things on track and think.

She got it, but Danny and Lori were not happy, their arguments letting me know that I may have time but it’s not a done deal that I’ve pulled away from them.

Lori even warned me that I’ve been accepted into the pack and that they don’t accept resignations. Bear’s words the night he took me home really hit me hard, but I understand why he was that harsh with me. He loves his family. Hell, he’s proven it indisputably at this point with the sacrifices he made to pull them back together.

So, here I am. I’m doing great at work, the need to keep busy pushing me to work harder and get the fundraiser together in record time. Mika’s just gone for her checkup, and the test results are good, still negative on all fronts, thank God.

I’ve also gone to see someone about the kidnapping, and we spent a good while talking about what happened and the way I feel. He had a lot to say about repressing my emotions and true feelings and how unhealthy my methods of dealing are, so I told him to kiss my ass and go back to school for that degree he must have fudged.

Okay, not my finest moment, but I’m good with the other doctor I found, and she told me I have a right to deal with my issues any way I need to. She said that it’s not wrong to choose myself over my experiences and that I have a healthy acceptance of the things I can’t change.

I really like her. A lot. And I’ll keep seeing her for a few sessions just to get the answers I need.

As far as Rory, she seems to agree with Rain’s assessment but only on the basis that I haven’t had sex yet and that things may change for me.

I am so not ready to test that theory though, so he can either get with it or get out. Gone are the days that I force myself to be okay just to make others feel better. I did it for years with Mom and Dad while Mika was sick, not wanting to burden them with my needs, and look where that got me.

“Soooo, you went to the doctor today?” he asks, and I know exactly what he wants to hear.

I did go, and everything is going really well. Which means I’m cleared for sex, like super-cleared, and I just don’t even know what to say to Rory at this point.

I was hoping to get my period, some miraculous showing of the blood ahead of my time, but the dratted thing only surprises me when I don’t want it to.

“I did.”

“And? Come on, Leila. You know what I’m asking here,” he says, his voice going high with the loss of his patience.

“And everything is fine,” I say slowly, swallowing down the anxiety that starts to emerge because I just don’t know what to say or do.

Maybe if I just relax and go with the flow, things will get better? I decide to do that, and I manage to smile and talk like a normal woman on a date with her boyfriend when he grins and rubs his hands together in anticipatory glee.

“So, I’ve been hearing talk about a possible promotion, and if that comes up, then I’ve been thinking we should do something about moving in together. Now, I know what you’re going to say, Leila, and I just don’t think it would work if I moved in with you while Mika is hanging around, because we just don’t get along. You could sell your place though, and we could pool everything together and get something a little more…upmarket.”

Whoa! Talk about a complete shot in the dark! I have never once even intimated that we’re anywhere near ready to move in together. We’ve been together for a while, true, but months! Only months, and I don’t know that I can commit to something this permanent so soon. I mean—

“Sell? My house? Rory, I can’t do that. I’m so close to paying off the mortgage, and Mika just moved in with me, and she hasn’t found a job yet. Where would she go? I can’t do that to her,” I say, stalling for time while he seethes because he really does not like Mika. “This is all so out of the blue. We haven’t even hinted at this because it’s still so early in our relationship.”

“Early? We’ve been together long enough to know we’re good together, Leila. I want marriage and a family soon. I’m twenty-seven, Leila, almost twenty-eight, and this is the time to think about more than just dating occasionally and seeing you when you have time for me. I want you. You know that. I have wanted this since we started out, and nothing will change that.”

His hand touches mine again, and I struggle to stay still while I look at him steadily. I understand this. I do, but he’s been so calm and easygoing the whole time that it’s all coming out of left field for me.

Sure, I mean, I know that eventually we’d have come to this, and I was okay with that. I do want the whole deal with marriage and kids, but I’m not in the right head space with this, and honestly, I’m not impressed that he wants me to make my sister homeless to fit in with his grand plans.

“I understand that, and I knew that we’d get to this point eventually, Rory, just not this soon. If you want me and nothing will change that, then please understand that I can’t just kick Mika out and start moving into a place that doesn’t exist yet.”

He isn’t happy. I can see it in the tightening of his mouth and feel it when his hand clenches around mine. But he does finally sigh and lean back with a nod.

“I do understand that, but—”

“And honestly, Rory, I just don’t understand where this is coming from. Three months ago, your biggest plans were for us to plan a trip down to California. What’s the big rush all of a sudden?”

He reddens, his cheeks going tight across his high cheekbones, and I see him swallow before he meets my eyes and twists his mouth.

“Honestly? I felt really safe about giving you time and taking things slow, but with this Lyon guy and his whole family infiltrating your life, I feel as if I’ll lose you if I don’t move now. I don’t want to lose you, Leila.”

He’s so sincere that I know why I love him. It may not be the right kind of love, but it is there, and I feel terrible that the first thing that jumps into my mind is Lyon’s face.

I love Rory, but what we have will never be the love that I had with Lyon. That love was precious and wild and sweet and tempestuous. What I have with Rory is safe. It’s safe because we don’t have passion, and while he does love me, it’s nothing like Lyon gave me. I’m good on paper, and I fill all those convenient little boxes, which was fine two months ago but suddenly feels restrictive.

I don’t say any of this though because I need to think about things before I make a decision that could hurt a man I care for very much.

“Rory, you don’t have to feel that you’re competing with Lyon. I promise you that. We’re friends. We were something once, a long time ago, but we’ve both moved on and changed in so many ways. What I have with you is new, and I just don’t think we’re ready for a step that is huge. Can’t we just relax and enjoy being young together? We’ve got time.”

“You’re sure?” he asks, making me cringe because he sounds clingy and demanding when he uses that tone.

“I’m sure.”

“Good. Okay. I can handle that. So, are we doing dessert or going home early?”

Oh God. You can do this, Leila. You’ve been here with Rory, and he’s a good guy. He’s a great guy who you can depend on and be with without fear of what’s coming next.

“Er, how about some cake?”

“Leila, is this another brush-off, because I don’t think I can accept that,” he grates, his eyes going hard at my nervous fumbling when I pull my hand away. “I can’t accept you pushing me away all the time.”

“I…I’m not. It’s just that…the whole thing has been really hard on me, Rory, and—”

“And it’s over,” he cuts in insensitively. “It happened weeks ago. Hell, what is it now, almost three months ago, and we’re in exactly the same place.”

“Because I just can’t deal with intimacy at this point, and I had hoped that you would understand, Rory. Those men didn’t just hurt me. He…did things to me,” I whisper, really feeling it as the words pop out.

I expect a softening, something other than the scrape of his chair and his contempt when he looks down at me.

“You didn’t tell me any of this.”

“Rory—”

“I can’t do this with you. It’s one thing to be kept at bay because you’re injured and need time to recover. It’s another to have to deal with…all the rest. I can’t be the guy who has a traumatized girlfriend, Leila. I just don’t think I can deal with it if this is going to go on for months.”

My throat is aching when he leans down to kiss my hair.

“This is for the best, and I mean you well. Get some help, Leila. You need it.”

********************************************************************

My hands are shaking when I shove the key into the lock and stumble into the dark house, the silence eerily comforting because I feel so adrift and alone as I walk to my room and strip down.

I’m shivering, even in the heat, as I have been doing since Rory walked out of the restaurant and left me there to fend for myself. He didn’t even pay the bill, which is okay, I guess, because I feel so bad about how things ended it’s eating me up.

Mixed in there is a lot of anger because some of the things he said to me after he told me to get help and I lost my temper…let’s just say that having the guy who just five minutes ago expressed his love for you tell you that the thought of someone violating me gave him the creeps is…

Yeah, put it this way, things did not end well there. I yelled some really unflattering things at him, and trust me, everyone in that place now knows that I was raped by some pig and that my boyfriend rejected me for it.

Because that’s what it was. The way he looked at me is what finally did it. I feel dirty and disgusting, and all I want to do right now is crawl into bed and cry under the covers.

So, that’s what I do, and it feels good. With every tear, I relive the feel of his breath on my face while pain rages in the rest of my body. His hands, digging in, bruising me while his teeth mashed into my mouth and tore into my lips.

His body in mine, burning because I was dry and trying to fight him off.

I see and feel it all and cry because I had succeeded in making it small and in one moment of contempt and disgust, Rory made it big, so big I feel like my skin is crawling and there’s nothing I can do to escape it because it’s me I’m disgusted with.

The phone rings around nine thirty, but I ignore it and curl in tighter, my throat too raw from the wracking sobs to make a sound. I feel awful and gross and wrung out, but in a weird way I feel free too because if this was going to happen, then thank God it happened here and not while I was trying to make myself push forward with Rory.

Mika isn’t here, and I finally remember she’s gone to a friend’s house to rework her resume and get away from the house she’s been trapped in for weeks.

That suits me because I don’t want company, and knowing Meek, if I tell her the whole story, she’ll hunt Rory down like a dog and do bad, bad things to him.

I am alone, blissfully alone, and I use the time to cry out every iota of grief I have inside me. Grief for the rage I’ve felt but didn’t acknowledge. The pain. The feeling of betrayal when I begged someone, anyone, God to help me and no one did.

I cry too because it isn’t easy to look at what I’ve become in the last months and accept that this has been a big part of me. I just didn’t want to admit it.

I was violated. Hurt. I wanted to die.

Accepting that I didn’t want life after what I experienced is the real heartache because after what Meek went through, I swore to myself that I wouldn’t ever take life for granted.

And I have been. Wolf, Bear, they’re all right. I haven’t been living, and if this hadn’t happened, I would still be drifting through a life that holds no meaning.

Nothing. I broke a promise I made to not only God but myself as well because I’ve spent years choosing the safe bet. My job was the safest bet instead of one I was offered in San Diego.

I bought this house instead of the one I wanted because it was more cost effective at the time and I didn’t want to take the risk of getting something more expensive and upmarket in case I lost it.

I’ve been living safe for a long time, and as dawn appears and the crying stops, just a few hiccups here and there, I feel like I have just woken up from a long, restful sleep.

No, I don’t feel great, but I feel at peace. This isn’t about the rape or beatings or almost dying. This is about me finally letting go and saying I’m strong and okay and I won’t let the past make me. I make me, and I can choose what I want from life.

So, I’m going to choose, and I choose…to live.