Mika

 

The no-good, arrogant, egotistical, insensitive pig.

I keep muttering the phrase over and over again in my head as I let Harlan drive me home and thank him in a rush before getting my car and speeding for the hospital.

The wedding reception was basically over when Danny went into labor, each and every Wylder running for battle stations when, according to Tiffany, Danny paused on the dance floor and exploded a rush of water down her legs.

After leaving Hawk and that closet—oh God, what have I done!—I ran outside only to see everyone scattering while Lyon yelled at them to drink and dance or get the fuck gone because we were all leaving.

So, we all left, except I still had Harlan to consider, so instead of rushing out with the others, I had to wait for everyone to leave so we could get his car out.

It took an hour, and I was bouncing the entire time, alternately praying someone’s car would break down and I could have a plausible excuse not to go to the hospital and yelling at people to get the hell gone so I could go.

I’m torn because everyone around me is either having a baby or very much pregnant, while I got to look at Dr. Forbes’s face just a week ago and hear that while the growth they cut out of me isn’t cancerous, it put paid to that measly ten percent I was working with.

I will never ever have a baby of my own. Never.

He looked at me sadly, almost pityingly, when I started crying and told me that I have so many other options. Yeah right! I have adoption, if I can make the process work for me, and that is it.

I can’t even have eggs fertilized and get a surrogate to carry my child because I have the shriveled eggs of an eighty-year-old. Or whatever. The point is that I’m sunk with that last freaking doctor’s visit, and I feel like I’m falling apart here.

“Call me!”

I barely wave at Harlan as I hop out of his car and run for mine, fumbling with the key fob before it beeps the doors open, and I dive in. I should really not speed, I think, flooring the gas, but the truth is that as shitty as I feel and as much as my chest aches at the thought of what’s happening, I wouldn’t miss this for the world.

No, I will never have a baby, but someone I love is going to bring a new life into this world, and I owe it to her to be there and share in the joy of the occasion.

So, I’ll do what I’ve done for years, suck it up and just push the bad stuff away. I want to see Danny and Bear’s son and hold him and smell his baby soft skin.

I want to look at him and tell them that he looks like this one or he has a nose like that one as people are wont to do, even if it’s not true because all babies look the same when they’re that little as far as I can tell.

I make it there in record time, cursing when it takes twenty minutes to find a parking spot, and run into the hospital with absolutely no idea where I’m going.

Another ten minutes pass before I can get directions and make my way up to maternity, and by the time I get there, I have my game face on, and I’m smiling when Leila jumps up and rushes at me.

“It’s gonna happen fast. Her water broke right there on the dance floor, and by the time Bear got her here, she was already halfway there. For a first baby, I think Danny might get lucky.”

I smile at Leila’s excited chattering and go over to kiss Rain and Pop, who look as excited as they do worried.

“She’ll be just fine. Don’t worry about a thing. You know Bear and his orders. The baby is probably coming because he told him to, and the birth will go just fine because the big boss is barking orders left and right.”

They laugh at my teasing tone, and I see Pop release a long breath, his shoulders losing the tightness while Rain leans in to pat his leg.

“She’s right, Al. Everything will be just fine. We just have to sit here and wait for our grandson.”

I feel better somehow and fall into a seat beside Lynx and Teeny, avoiding the only other open seat beside Hawk. His eyes narrow, but it’s not like he can say a thing about my avoidance anyway.

The waiting room alternates between silence and laughter, our way of dealing with the stress when an hour, two, three pass without a word from Bear.

I’m just about to ask if I can get some food or coffee for anyone when the door bangs against the wall and the big bad Bear bursts in, smiling so brightly I gasp and feel my mouth stretch into a grin.

“He’s huge! So big, Ma. And Danny threatened to kill me if I ever did this to her again. They’re both fine.”

Everyone cheers and jumps up to congratulate him, while I stay seated, a grumbling Tammy curled up on my lap since I’m the only one who could get her to stop fussing and settle down.

It takes another hour of waiting before they’re ready for us to see Danny, and I’m flagging as I rise to my feet with Tammy cuddled to my neck and follow Leila and Lyon.

The hospital staff make noises about us all trooping in, but Bear just snarls at them, and it’s as one big family that we welcome Falcon Wylder into the fold.

He’s big, really long for a baby, and just as I predicted, he looks like a squishy little bundle with absolutely no defining features but for the scowl he throws us when we disturb him.

We laugh at that because he looks so much like Bear when he frowns and lets off an imperious wail that it’s adorable.

“God almighty. Just like his dad,” Danny giggles tiredly, cuddling her kid to her breast with a look of love so profound I choke up and have to bite my lips to stop from crying.

None of us but Rain and Pop get to hold him, and I giggle at Danny, who tells us all to get gone and leave her kid alone. She’s so possessive and fierce I’m not sure poor Rain will have much joy from him for at least the first three months.

“Congratulations,” I murmur, kissing Danny softly and giving her a smile before stepping away.

“Thanks, Meek.”

“Okay! Time for you all to skedaddle. My wife needs her rest,” Bear proclaims after ten minutes of us all cooing and trying to get a touch of the little prince.

I leave with Tammy still cradled against me and end up driving with Hawk, who won’t take no for an answer because Tammy won’t let go of me and I can’t take her home since Teeny looks like she’s ready to have a breakdown without her own kid by her side.

“I need to go get my car,” I say when we reach Lynx’s place and I’m able to transfer a sleeping Tammy to her father, his smile huge when he gets her before Teeny can.

Hawk grunts at me and waves Lynx inside before grabbing my hand and towing me across the drive to his house.

“You’re too exhausted to be behind the wheel. You’re with me today, and don’t argue or I’ll take you right here in the yard, and screw everyone who has a goddamned word to say about it!”

Okay!

“Geez,” I mumble, kicking off my shoes in his front hall and going for the couch.

He snarls again, the only sound he’s capable of right now, I guess, and scoops me up over his shoulder, slapping my ass, which still is not decent. Let me tell ya, juggling a two-year-old while trying to keep my naked bits concealed is not easy.

“I want to be alone.”

“Too bad, because you’re with me. Now hush and let’s get some sleep, babe. The waiting was exhausting, and I need some sleep.”

He sets me down on the bed gently, rolls me to my stomach, and has my dress off so fast I gasp at the audacity he has.

Hawk just mutters under his breath when I scramble beneath the covers and strips himself bare before sliding in and pulling my back to his front. I would be turned on right now, but I’m tired, and anyway, what I need isn’t sex or the fog of sex to cloud my feelings.

I need comfort and warmth because I’m close to not keeping myself together, and I do not want to cry. I will if he so much as kisses me. I just know it.

“You okay?”

Not now. I do not want to talk right now.

“No! I want to go home,” I snarl, contradicting myself by snuggling closer so my ass cradles his soft shaft.

“You’re staying. We’re going to sleep at least half the day away, and then I’ll make you lunch and we talk.”

“Don’t wanna talk to you about anything.”

“Did you see an expression on my face at any one point that suggests I care what you want? We’re talking about shit later whether you want to or not, so suck it up, lady.”

Huh! All I do is suck it up, and look where I am now, halfway to in love with a big grunting Neanderthal and a messed-up lady bag with shriveled eggs and no freaking options, I think, kicking him just to show my displeasure.

He chuckles and pulls me closer, palming my breast to show me exactly what he thinks of my anger.

“You’re upset, and I don’t like it. You’ve been upset since you ran into the hospital, and it’s been hard for me to give you space, but I have.”

“You call this space, Hawk? This is not space! This is you having sex with me in a linen closet and then giving me a second to breathe while you plotted ways to get your way. Space would have been taking me home just now, not throwing me over your shoulder and acting like a beast,” I mumble, hiding my smile when he huffs and shifts uncomfortably.

“That’s about as good as it gets with me. So, now, since you aren’t going to sleep and you’re already wound tighter than a spring, wanna tell me what’s upset you so much?” he asks softly, keeping me trapped against him when I try to move away.

“Would you let me go!”

“Nope. I already tried that once and spent weeks jerking off because I can’t get it up for other women. You’re here, and you’re staying even if I have to tie you to the bed and make love to you until all you want is me,” he threatens darkly.

My lips twitch, mostly at the thought of the great man losing his shine when he tried to pseudo cheat on me. Look, I know we aren’t together, but that’s what it feels like, hearing him say he was going to be with some other chick.

Asshole.

“You tried to have sex with other women?” I say darkly, my tone soft and deceptively even while inside I’d really like to rip his entrails out and wear them as a necklace.

Hawk grunts and rolls me over, coming to an elbow above me.

“You told me to get lost, so, yeah, I got mad and tried to move on. Didn’t work though, so you can stop inching that hand down to my cock, Mika. It’s already yours,” he says solemnly, giving me pause.

I’m surprised, not at all prepared for the ramifications of his softly spoken words, but I feel my chest tighten to an unbearable ache when he looks down at me and grins.

“You gonna say something or just gape at me?”

“I, uh, don’t know what to say,” I answer honestly, choking up when he pecks my lips and pulls back with a sigh.

“Say you want to be with me and that we can try for…I don’t know what we can try for, but whatever it ends up being, I just want it with you. I am not gonna lie and tell you I’m madly in love. I just…I haven’t ever loved a woman, so this shit is all new to me. And I won’t tell you that we’ll get engaged and get married, because I’m not sure I even want that, but I do want you, Mika, and I’m not going to let you say no.”

His arrogance astounds me, thrills me, and ticks me off. Who the hell ever asked for any of that, huh? I’m not in a good place, and right now, the thought of all that hoopla makes my nipples shrivel. I have my own stuff churning around in my gut and head. I don’t need him warning me off while telling me I’m not leaving him.

“So, let me get this straight. You want to be with me, but you’re saying that you’re not willing to commit?”

He pauses and frowns, shaking his head as if not quite sure how to answer this.

“I don’t know. Honestly? I haven’t ever thought in terms of all that stuff. All I know is that I care about you, more than I have for a woman. I like being with you, talking to you, and the sex is out of this world good. I don’t want to lose that. If you need pretty words and a promise that I won’t cheat or walk out on you, you have it. When I couldn’t…when you wouldn’t let me be there for you with those tests and your results, it seriously pissed me off! I should have been there, and I will be in the future no matter what happens or how bent out of shape you are.”

His voice is hard and unyielding, and I find myself smirking because he’s so…him. He just tells people what he wants or fights his way to getting it. I really love that about him, as well as adoring the way he doesn’t seem able to stop touching my face.

“I can’t have children,” I say, wanting it all out there before we decide on anything concrete. “That last little percent that was keeping my hope alive is gone. I won’t ever get pregnant or…I don’t know where we’re going with this thing, but if it gets to love, which I hope it does, I will never give you children,” I say solemnly, sadly, because it hurts.

I’d kill to have a little tow-haired boy with his eyes, gnawing at my leg and grunting like a feral animal. We’d have beautiful babies together, and it’s painful to know that I just…can’t.

Hawk sighs, his eyes going soft as a tear slips free and tracks down to my hair.

“You think that matters to me? I don’t…the truth is that I don’t think I want any of that, and yeah, maybe it’s selfish, but I’ve had all the responsibility I can stomach. I want to live and do things with you that we can’t do if we have little kids hanging on you. I want to go to Italy, Spain, Jamaica. I want to spend weekends making love to you and not have to move unless we get hungry. I want sex in the pool at midnight and you running around the house naked because I like seeing your body. I just want you. That’s all,” he whispers, licking my tears away with a smile. “The question is, am I enough for you?”

I cry out and kiss him, crying and laughing because he just gave me a freedom I haven’t ever had. I don’t have to feel sad, guilty, broken, because to him I am enough.

Maybe he doesn’t love me. Maybe we’ll get to the end of this thing with me brokenhearted and him moving on, but right now, I love him, and yes, he is enough.

“Make love to me?”

He grins, the answer to his question clear, and kisses me, pushing the sheet away with a growl.

“That’s the right answer. Now, no more tears, yeah? Me and you, we don’t need promises and pictures in our heads of what will be. Remember what I said, Mika. We live right now and…”

“Screw the world,” I finish, licking his mouth to get my tongue inside.

I don’t think I’ll ever be okay with not having kids. Maybe that’s just programmed into my DNA, and I will forever feel incomplete and pine for it.

But I can’t change any of it, and he’s right. Right now, all I want, all I need, is a man who looks at me as if I’m sexy and perfect and everything he wants.

Will that be enough?

I can’t answer that honestly because I have no guarantees and the crystal ball I’ve been searching for isn’t at hand.

I have him though, and right now, that’s all I need.