Lyon

 

 

Eight years ago…

My chest is screaming with the need to yell at the top of my lungs, but I keep it all in and feel the burn. The guilt eats at me while my brothers sit in silence, the room dead and filled with grief and the pain of having nothing to go on for.

I do though, and that makes it just bearable. Just. I keep thinking about that call I missed, how I blew Sparrow off because I had better things to do, and then I get mad at me and Leila, and I feel worse because my girl is not to blame.

She’s been here with me every single day, blowing off classes and putting her scholarship in jeopardy while also running to the hospital because Mika is so much worse, and Leila cries all the time.

The doctors told her just last week that they should prepare for the worst, that they have to accept that Mika is not doing well. She took chemo like a star, but when the radiation started, because that wasn’t working, she got so bad she contracted an infection that is killing her slowly, along with that fucking cancer.

I want to be there for Leila. I need to be there for her, but lately, all I can do is drink because the pain is just so bad I can’t function properly. I used to look after my girl like a real man does, and now she’s the one looking after me, holding me up when she herself is on the verge of collapse.

“Bear will be home soon, and we have plans,” Hawk keeps saying, over and over again until I want to rip my own hair out.

I don’t want to think about that now because thinking about it would mean facing the fact that if I do this, I have to let Leila go. I can’t expect her to be with me when everything I have is focused on revenge.

And it’s also hard right now because I don’t want to do anything, say anything, feel anything. She needs me, and I can see that my grief is not only hurting me. It’s ripping her apart while she has to deal with her own little sister’s illness.

I got so mad yesterday when she yelled at me for being drunk I wanted to lash out and ask her what the fuck her problem is. Yeah, her sister is sick, and I feel like shit about it, but at least she’s still alive.

My sister is dead, and she isn’t coming back.

I didn’t, thank God, but only because I fucking passed out and Leila was left to drag my ass to bed with Hawk’s help and clean up the mess I made with the beer cans.

“Lyon?”

I look over at Lynx blearily and grimace because I’m so wasted I can hardly see him.

“Wha…?”

“Leila keeps calling you, bro. You need to answer your phone.”

I lift it with a hand that feels heavy as a ton of bricks and swallow before dialing her number, my mind fuzzy and full of my own shit when she answers on the second ring.

“Lyon?”

“Wha’s up, babe?” I slur, wincing when she’s silent for a minute before her muffled sobs ring out.

“I…I need you. I know you’re not doing great, and I hate that I have to ask you to leave your family but…I need you so bad, Lyon,” she whispers, her voice breaking on a sob. “Mika won’t wake up, and…and they think it’s…”

She doesn’t finish, but I understand that even in the state I’m in, and suddenly I need to see her and be with her.

But I’m fucked up wasted and can hardly keep my eyes open right now, my inability to get up from the couch making me rage inside.

I don’t remember the rest of it because by the time I come to and look at my phone, my head pounding with the hangover from hell, two hours have passed and Leila’s gone.

Bile rising in my throat, I push myself up and stumble to the bathroom, puking the minute my knees hit the tile. I feel marginally better after brushing my teeth and grabbing a shower, but when I’m done, the house is silent and dark, no one present but for Mom, who’s knocked out on an anti-depressant, and Pop, who’d passed out in his office what must be hours ago from the state of him.

I need to move now that I’m sober. Go to Leila and be there for her. I’m not fit for this, but I have to suck it up and be the man I promised her I would be when she first gave me her heart.

The doorbell chimes just as I’m coming down the stairs, and I feel my chest go tight when I open the door to see her standing there, eyes red-rimmed and bleak when she sees me.

“You asshole!” she rages, slamming her palms into my chest and slapping at me as she cries and crumples into me, sobs wracking her frail body.

She’s lost so much weight, since Sparrow died and I started drinking, that it’s another nail in the coffin for me as I pull her against me and shut the door, half carrying her as I walk to the living room.

“Lay—”

“How could you do that to me, Lyon? How could you pass out drunk when I was begging you to come to me? I needed you, goddamn you!” she yells, clinging to me so hard I feel her heartbeat against my chest.

My eyes are wet as I hold her, breathing raggedly because I deserve her anger but hate the pain I feel coming from her. She’s crying so hard I can hardly make out what she’s saying, but what I do hear breaks my heart in two.

Mika isn’t just sick. She’s on a ventilator and isn’t expected to make it through the week if the infection doesn’t let up soon. She’s on a feeding tube and saline drips just to keep her body going.

“I’m so sorry, Lay. I’m so goddamn sorry,” I whisper into her hair, breathing her in because she’s all that’s keeping me together right now.

And I know she’s pissed and I deserve more than a few slaps and recriminations, but she’s clinging to me like I’m her savior, and right now, it’s what I need when inside I feel like a failure.

“She’s…she’s so sick, Lyon. And she won’t wake up and…and I was so scared, and I know it isn’t fair, but I needed you so bad even if I know I shouldn’t be c-calling you because you need to be here for you family.”

That’s bullshit! Leila is my family, my one and only, and I should have been there, but the truth is that I am scared to death of going with her and having to see more death.

I only heard Wolf crying after he had to identify Sparrow’s body, but it was so harsh and real I’m not sure I can survive it if Leila’s sister dies and more grief comes my way.

I love Mika, as much as Leila does, and knowing that another young girl with so much life in her is going to die is killing me. I feel as if a hole has opened up inside me and one more rip will shatter me apart.

I can’t afford that now, not with my family falling apart too. Leila, God, I love her, but soon I will have to walk away because I made a choice today when Wolf sat us all down and laid out what Bear wants and I chose my path.

It hurts, and yeah, it’s selfish and mean, but Leila isn’t the choice. In fact, I do choose her, if I want to be honest. It’s just that I don’t think she’ll see it that way.

She has so much more to face, so much to deal with, that I can’t expect her to pick me up, and I sure as fuck can’t ask her to follow me into a world that will probably get us all killed.

I may not care if I die, truth is I want to with the way I feel, but Leila deserves to live a full life, and she won’t get that with me. The only thing keeping me alive is her, and she deserves more than that.

“Lay, listen to me, babe—”

“You coward! You fucking coward! I am always here for you. I tear myself in two to be here for you, and you left me. Why, Lyon? Why?” she yells, slapping at me again, her tears breaking me apart as I pull away and harden myself.

“I can’t deal with it, Leila, and the truth is that it’s not fair of us to expect this from each other. My family means everything to me. Everything, and you expected me to choose between you. You can’t win that contest, Leila, no matter how much I love you,” I say coldly, steeling myself when she goes still and looks at me through eyes that hold nothing but pain.

“You said…you love me. You said you wouldn’t ever let me down,” she whispers, tears spilling down to wet her cheeks.

“Yeah, well, I’m not perfect, and goddammit, Leila, I can’t be two places at once.”

“Two places! You were here drinking again! That’s all you do lately, Lyon. This isn’t healthy. You can’t run from your pain by drinking yourself into a coma. I love you. I need you, please,” she begs, holding her hands out in surrender. “I can’t do this alone.”

“You have to. I can’t do this anymore. You need too much, and I can’t…I won’t choose you right now, Leila.”

The defeat and utter heartbreak I see in her is lost among the fog still swirling in my head, and it’s only when her lips touch my cheek that I snap back to reality and feel myself break.

“I love you, Lyon. I hope you find happiness one day.”

She’s gone before I can say another thing, and I keep it all together for as long as I can before I fall to my knees and scream so hard my throat aches.

The scene is interrupted, and I’m dragged away from that pain to the sound of Leila’s weeping and the soft heat of her hand in mine. It takes a minute to understand what’s going on, but it all comes back in a slow trickle, and I feel my chest tighten when her cries turn to outright sobs.

“Don’t you dare fucking leave me again, you selfish asshole!” she wails, kissing my hand and making me smile inside.

That’s my Leila, calling me on my shit, I think, chuckling in my head even as I try to open my eyes. Everything hurts and feels like dead weight no matter how hard I fight.

“Lyon. Please, baby, please wake up. I need you.”

Her words act like a catalyst, and despite the pain and weakness, I forge ahead, battling against the darkness because I failed my baby once and no way will that happen again. Not in this lifetime.

“I love you. I haven’t said that since you came back, not like you need me to, and I know, I know, that it’s taken too long and I’ve been a fool. I wanted to say it when I woke up because the truth is that I never stopped. You were mine, always mine, no matter how much time passed or how faded the memories got. Sometimes it hurt so much I told myself it had all been a dream. But then it would hit me again, and I’d be lost again. I’ve been lost for years, Lyon, without you, just existing because the truth is that I’m not me without you. Wake up. Please. I need you.”

I fight. I fight so hard I’m screaming in my head because I know that if I don’t, I won’t make it. I can’t open my eyes though, and my hand in hers won’t move.

Leila!

I scream inside for what feels like eternity before everything just stops.

 

 

Leila

 

I didn’t think I could hurt any more until one day turned into two and then three. Three days I’ve been here, not leaving Lyon but for short toilet breaks and the shower Hawk forced on me when it became apparent that I am not perfect and my body does carry nasty odors. Very ripely.

It’s been days, only three, and if I tell myself ‘only,’ then I don’t feel quite so hopeless, because I am terrified. Lyon is still on the ventilator, still unresponsive, and still not showing signs of waking any time soon.

The family has been in and out constantly, and I felt so bad about poor Rain’s tears at one point that I offered to wait outside so she could sit with her son.

It wasn’t all altruistic, I have to admit. Yesterday I was so desperate for him to wake up I thought that maybe he would if his mom was there. A mother’s love is supposed to heal all wounds, or whatever it is they say.

She refused though, just kissed my cheeks and left me alone with him, telling me that everything would be alright.

I try to believe her, and I even smile at Hawk when he sneaks in and sits beside me on the floor, telling me stories about Lyon when he was a snot-nosed kid with a curiosity about everything and anything.

I loved the stories. Laughed. Cried and asked for more.

We talked a lot about what happened after I left, how Lyon wouldn’t talk to anyone and just kept going as if he didn’t give a shit about anything anymore.

I hated that because, as pathetic as it sounds, I didn’t care about me being hurt. All I wanted was for him to find a way to live. He lived terribly. I railed inside when Hawk recounted his whoring days and swore to make him pay for every single betrayal, but I laughed too because I can just see my Lyon and his no-nonsense attitude toward sex with guidettes.

He hates makeup. I can just imagine his face when they stripped and remained fully clothed in spray tan.

It’s as I’m grinning, planning to slap him silly for sleeping with orange Barbie dolls, when I feel a twitch and look up. Straight into eyes that shine with so much love I cry out and start screaming.

Not a great way to say hi to my man after he almost died, but I can’t help myself.

“Lyon! Oh my God, don’t you ever scare me like that again.”

I’m on him, kissing him like crazy, when I feel him struggle and hear him gag.

The nurse comes in at a run, Hawk and Lynx behind her, and she grins at my look of panic before pushing me away and taking care of things. Lyon soon has his tube out, and he’s grinning when I shove at the nurse—I’ll apologize later—and fall mouth-first onto his face.

The others are laughing. I hear them, but who gives a shit, I think, kissing him harder.

“Uh, Leila?”

I pull away only when Lynx drags me off Lyon, and snarl a protest when he thinks to get in my way. Lyon’s weak but laughing when he takes my hand and pulls me back, kissing me softly.

“Don’t kill him. He’s unromantic, Lay. Doesn’t get true love,” Lyon rasps, smiling because I can’t talk through my tears or the stupid damn sobbing.

“I thought you left me again,” I whisper, pushing closer because I need to and I can’t stop myself.

“Never, Leila. You’re stuck with me for life.” he growls, kissing me again. “Marry me. Take me. Make me yours.”

His pleading kiss follows the words, and I smile against his mouth while whispering my own words back, with all the love I have inside for this man.

“Forever,” I vow, knowing that it was always meant to be this way.

Lyon Wylder is mine. He gave himself to me when we were young and carefree, and if I have my way, we’ll be so again.

“Forever,” he whispers back, and I think back to the first words he said to me.

“My name is Leila Evans, and I know I love you.”