Mika

 

 

Oh God, it’s worse. It’s so much worse when I open my eyes the next morning and moan while trying to shove my head under the pillow, the glare of sunlight streaming through the windows turning my eyes into burning balls of pain.

I swear to God there is a little demon with a pickax chipping dead pieces of brain off and the bleeding is creating pressure that hurts me everywhere above the neck.

My body hurts too, and I want to puke so bad I swallow repeatedly before my stomach gets the message and just roils dangerously. I am dying. I really am, I think when breathing becomes an effort that hurts me.

I need to get up. I can’t just lay here and feel bad, but I’m unable to even roll out from the haven of the pillow because my arms and legs feel like a weight is attached to them.

“Mika.”

I groan when I hear Hawk behind me and push myself hard to roll over and look at him. Pickax. In my skull.

“Goddammit! We are going to the doctor,” he snarls when he looks at me, my stomach snarling while I breathe and beg it not to let go.

There’s nothing in there, and from the old days, I know the feeling of retching with nothing going on down below. It hurts. Hell, it’s terrible, and I do not want to streak past Hawk, shove my ass in the air over the toilet bowl, and try to rearrange my stomach lining.

“‘Kay.”

I can’t deny him this, because I’m lucky to have him here right now. I feel awful enough that even I would be calling Leila right now to come take me to the hospital.

I’d hate to do that because I don’t think I can deal with her worrying about me.

Hawk huffs out a breath and dresses me. I don’t even care that he’s seeing my everything in the clear light of day. My panties and dress are put on with an economy of movement, and he doesn’t even bother with my shoes before lifting me and leaving the room.

We’re in the truck before I can say a word, and I watch from slitted eyes as he pulls out of the driveway with his jaw clenched.

“Sorry, Hawk.”

“Don’t start that shit with me, Mika! Jesus, you look like shit,” he snarls, making me laugh because the Hawk of last night is gone and in his place is the man I know.

I’d snark back and tell him he’s no oil painting but I don’t have the strength, and anyway, it’s not true. He looks good, freshly showered, and smelling like whatever spicy cologne he uses, while all I can do is flop around in the seat against the belt and try not to see the scenery blurring by.

“Feel bad.”

“I know, baby. I know that, and I’ll make it better. You need a bag or something?”

“No. Just get us there.”

I won’t cry, even though I want to because I am as terrified as I am sick right now. My body hurts, all over. My head feels like it’s not mine, and I’m hungry and sick to my stomach at the same time.

We get to the hospital fast, and I smile at the thought of my badass speeding illegally through town. He doesn’t let me even open the door, and carries me into the ER, yelling at the woman at the desk when she suggests we sit in the waiting area.

“Like hell. Tell Granger Forbes that Hawk Wylder is here.”

I don’t know who that is, but it gets the chick hopping, and it’s maybe five minutes of lying in Hawk’s arms while he glares at everyone before a portly little old man in a white coat rushes over.

“Wylder.”

“She’s sick. Fix it.”

I do laugh then, hard, despite the way I feel, because he doesn’t brook any argument and sounds like a dictator. The man does jump though, directing us to a private room where Hawk puts me down on a bed with a gentleness that startles me.

“Now, then,” he says, snapping on gloves. “What’s the problem?”

“She had a headache last night, and I found her puking her ass off. She was running a temp and lethargic. She slept ten hours flat and didn’t move even when I had to bathe her with a wet cloth.”

Ooookay. We’ll discuss that little issue later, I think, swallowing loudly.

I have a full workup and don’t even flinch when he starts poking me with needles and yells at a nurse to put a rush on labs.

“I had cancer eight years ago.”

I say it, even when it sticks in my throat, because I can’t just not mention it. It’s a harsh reality, one I don’t want to face, but he needs to know, and honestly, I don’t want to walk out of here with a ticking time bomb inside me. Even if it’s bound to explode no matter what.

“Okay. Talk to me.”

I do, feeling grateful when Hawk takes my hand and holds me as I put it all out there. Doctor Forbes gives me that patented doctor look, the one that’s reassuring even while he starts scribbling notes and leaves without a word.

“Shit.”

“Yep.”

“You think…?” Hawk asks, muttering a curse when he can’t continue.

“Don’t know. I don’t think so, but I can’t ignore it anymore,” I admit, closing my eyes with a frown. “Don’t tell anyone, okay? If it’s…bad, just don’t tell anyone until I’m ready.”

That makes him tense, and I know that he doesn’t agree, but this is my life, my choice, and I refuse to surrender this freedom that I have from my family, though God knows it’s not exactly ideal with them constantly on my back.

“Mika, you can’t just keep these things from the people who love you.”

“Oh yeah? You ever had your mother crying all the time while someone shoved poison into you? Or have your sister sitting at your bedside for hours sobbing while you pretend to sleep because there isn’t a thing you can do to make her stop unless you pretend to feel better? Only, you know, I couldn’t do that when I felt like I was going to die from pain and exhaustion. I can’t deal with it all and also have them swarming around me like flies!”

Not again. If I’d been older like I am now, I would have dealt with it differently and not involved anyone unless I had to. It sucks being sick and in pain, but it sucks even harder having your family depending on you to be upbeat about life and pretend you aren’t in excruciating pain just so they feel better.

“Jesus, Mika.”

I second that and keep myself calm by saying that it could be anything. I’ve had a scare before, and it turned out to be food poisoning that hit me when I ate shellfish from a food cart. Dumb, but you only really live once, twice in my case, and it smelled and tasted so good.

“It’s not going to happen,” I say, wanting to comfort him like I always had to with Leila.

“Don’t do that shit with me, girl. I’m a grown-ass man. If you’re sick, I can deal with it without you having to pretend you’re okay.”

Those harsh words, barked though they are, make me tear up because I love him for saying just what I need to hear. My lips tremble, and I look up at him, not capable of staying strong a minute longer now that I have someone stronger with me.

Hawk just freezes and stares at me before cursing and pulling me into his arms. His heat, unlike last night, is a good feeling, and I hiccup into his neck and let my tears fall.

“I’m scared.”

“I know. I know you are.”

Not exactly soothing, but at least he’s honest and not telling me that leprechauns shit rainbows.

“It’ll be fine. It’s just a bug. I can get some medicine and veg out on the couch and pop pills until I’m better,” I say, pushing closer to just take in the warm hand stroking my back.

Hawk grunts as if he can’t deign to comment on that, and we remain that way until the doctor comes back what must be an hour later.

“I checked your records and just spoke to your oncologist, Mika. He says you skipped a checkup recently.”

Hawk mutters under his breath, and I push away to throw him a look of disgust.

“Yeah, but only because I don’t think I need to go for the stupid things every six goddamn months for the rest of my life. I felt fine until last night. I swear,” I say, begging him silently to understand.

“Yeah, and I do understand. Survivors hate this part as much as the illness, Mika. Trust me, I get it, but you had stage two cancer that was caught just in time. You took so much chemo and radiation it’s frankly a miracle you lived that long, never mind going into remission. The checkups are for your own safety.”

“Yeah. But they’re so, agh, they’re so constant. I just wanted one year of freedom from that fucking shit!” I yell, getting worked up because I still feel awful and now I feel guilty too.

Doctor Forbes sighs and smiles sadly.

“Well, I have some good new and then bad. Which first?”

“Good,” Hawk growls, putting an arm around me as if he thinks I need support.

“The good news is that you have a virus that’s going around right now. Now, I don’t want you to get all smug, Mika. You’re getting hit hard by this because your body won’t ever just fight things off after everything it’s been through. I take it from the dress that you went out last night and had alcohol?”

“Half a glass of rum and coke. I couldn’t finish it,” I admit, shifting with a blush.

“That’s fine, not over excessive. But the way you’re reacting to a common virus worries me. All your blood work isn’t in yet, but I’m pretty sure you just need to take something and rest. I’ll prescribe something for you, and if you don’t start feeling better tomorrow, I want you back here.”

Oh God. Sweet Jesus, thank you.

“What’s the bad news?” Hawk asks, that gruff snarl making the doctor laugh and throw me a wink.

Oh great, he couldn’t just let me have one moment of victory.

“I’ve scheduled a CT for next week. I want a full workup and your promise that you’ll do it before I’ll let you set foot out of this hospital. You’ve been in remission for a long time, Mika, and I know that the constant reminder isn’t easy for you, but like I said, this is not a common reaction to a simple virus, and I want to make sure there’s no underlying reason behind this.”

I stiffen and feel Hawk tense and look down at me, his face showing exactly how unhappy he is with this news. I understand though. I feel way too sick to be suffering from something that most people would call a little bug. It could be the cancer coming back, my liver, kidneys, any number of things.

My body was shot after all the treatments, and he’s right. I am lucky to be alive, so, yeah, I understand his insistence. I just don’t like it.

But as long as he does something about this awful sickness I feel, I’m game for whatever he needs. I can deal with what I feel later.

“Fine. Just fix me. My head is fit to bursting.”

I see Hawk wince minutes later when they hook me up to a drip, and I smile at Dr. Forbes when I feel the fuzziness of a sedative take its grip on me.

“She’ll sleep for the next few hours. You can take her home as soon as that little bag of fluids is done. I’ll send someone in to get her set, but if she’s alone, I’d advise you to call someone to stay with her. She’s not gonna feel great for at least a day or two.”

“I got it, Granger,” he mutters before the doctor walks out and leaves us.

“Hawk.”

“What?”

“Thank you.”

 

 

Hawk

 

I hate this. I hate the way I feel when I see Mika’s face smooth out, erasing the pinched look of pain she’s worn since last night when I found her puking in that alley.

I hate the relief I feel to hear that she’s going to be okay, when, honestly, all I can see, and remember, is the way she looked eight years ago when she was in that hospital bed in a coma and her body was on the verge of shutting down.

I’m weak with relief that all she’s feeling now is a virus that has her flat on her back, but with the threat of illness still hanging over her head, I feel like a noose has been tied around my neck.

Years ago, I was a kid with a bad attitude and so much anger in me I didn’t know where to turn. I lived my life as a college kid, pretending to be okay with what Mom and Pop expected of us because I didn’t want to rock the boat.

All that anger and resentment got a thousand times worse when Sparrow died and everything started falling apart around me. I felt grief and betrayal because I was on her ass constantly, trying to get her to see the light.

When she died and things got bad, I was at my worst. Watching my family crumble and also trying to make sense of what Lyon was going through. He started drinking heavily, and I saw his relationship with Leila fall apart so fast I couldn’t do a thing to stop it.

So, I did the only thing I could do and turned to the one person who didn’t have anything to live for but was fighting like a trooper. In those days, I felt half dead, and I knew how pathetic it was because there was this young girl lying in the hospital, fighting to live, while the rest of us where healthy but wanting to just give up.

I would sit with her at night when everyone went home and slept—if they even could—and I prayed that she would live because she wanted it so badly.

Mika was my lifeline then, her silent sleep giving me an ear to talk to even if I knew she couldn’t hear me. And the peace in the room was so absolute that it became a haven for me.

No one ever knew that I was there, and I like it that way, but I was there, so, you see, I know Mika. I have always been with her, and seeing her sick again makes me so angry I could kill.

Look at everything around us right now. Yeah, everyone is happy and together, and things are good, but you know, we all spent years just fighting to be happy while this woman spent her years trying to live, to say screw you to death and make it.

I’ve missed out on a lot of her life, but with her and Leila back, I get to see what she’s done with her miracle, and it saddens me that she’s never truly lived because no one will let her forget that she almost didn’t.

I want her to laugh every day because she made it. I want to tell her that those weeks by her bedside gave me the strength to keep going and that I lost the grief so much faster because she was my ideal.

She saved me, even if she doesn’t know that, and for that, I will not accept this outcome if it’s bad.

The nurse comes in after a while and removes the needle from Mika’s arm, telling me that I can go and giving me a prescription to fill. Mika doesn’t move, just stays limp when I lift her and carry her out to the truck, her peaceful expression easing the ache in my chest.

She’s already looking better, and that makes me feel better.

Driving through the Saturday traffic, I make a quick stop at the pharmacy, paying an old lady to get it filled while I stand out by the truck to keep an eye on her.

I have two choices right now. I can take Mika over to Lyon and Leila’s and know that she’ll be okay, or I can respect her wishes and take her home with me where I can look after her and make sure she goes to that damn appointment next week.

My mind’s already made up when I collect the medicine and give the old broad a hundred bucks for her effort, smiling when she tells me she’s playing bridge as a high roller tonight.

Once that’s done, I get us both home and carry Mika inside, groaning when I see Lynx watching me from his porch. Shit.

“Hey. What the hell?” he asks, glaring when I tuck Mika back into the bed in the guest room and snarl at him to shut the hell up. She’s out cold and looking peaceful, so I close the door and grab two beers before I go out and sit on the back porch to take in the cooler air of an approaching storm.

“Hawk?”

“She’s got some virus, okay? I took her to see the doctor, and she’s sleeping because he gave her something for her headache. Lay off, Lynx.”

“Lay off? I was just asking a question and being concerned. It’s normal to worry when it’s Mika who looks sick,” he defends, and it’s then that I get why she doesn’t want to tell anyone.

Shit, it must be hard to live with people wanting to run her through every test available if she sneezes.

“No.”

“No what?” Lynx mutters, grabbing one of the beers and popping it.

“No, it’s not normal or okay for you to run over here and act like she’s dying just because of the past! She’s not the goddamned disease, Lynx. She’s just a woman who survived something, and she has the right to her privacy and some freaking dignity in her life. Do not leave here and go and tattle this to Leila or anyone else but Teeny, you hear me? She doesn’t need the freaking phone tree going, because her family will freak out and it’s not fair.”

That gives him pause, and I see his eyes close before he leans back and groans, his face pulling into a grimace of understanding.

“Hell, I’m sorry, man. It must suck for that girl to even cough around people if I just reacted this way. No wonder she doesn’t want to hang out with everyone anymore.”

I grunt an agreement and swig my beer, staring off at the river over by Lynx’s property.

“Yeah, man. You know, it’s just a silly little bug that most people would sleep off like she should have last night, and yet she woke up worse. Fuck, it scared the shit outta me when I walked in and saw her in so much pain.”

Lynx nods, picking at the label on the bottle and looks over at me with a frown.

“She’s been here with you?”

“Not like that, so don’t even start thinking whatever I see in your eyes. I went out with Brass and Teeg last night, but I was bugging out early when I saw Mika stumble out of the club and puke in the alley. Thought she was bombed until she told me she wasn’t feeling well,” I mumble, still feeling like an ass for the way I practically attacked her for being irresponsible.

“Makes sense. Club. Alcohol.”

“Except she didn’t even finish a drink, and she was so sick, man. I brought her here because I didn’t want to leave her alone, and spent the night worrying because she was running a fever for a while. Finally broke around dawn,” I grunt, remembering how hard it was for me to do it.

Looking at her, naked and so beautiful my dick got hard, I felt like a heel for even getting worked up, because she was sick, and it kept running through my mind that I’d seen her like that before. Shivering one minute and dying of internal heat the next.

It brought back a lot of memories, things I don’t want to think about when I look at Mika.

“Fuck, that must have been hard, Hawk. Sorry, man. Look, I don’t mean to pry but—”

“Yeah, you do. You want to know what’s going on with us, and I’ll tell you that it’s nothing but me being a friend. Mika hates me when she’s not feeling sick as a dog, so—”

“Hates you?” he laughs, shaking his head ruefully. “Hawk, you know, for a guy who screws as much and is with as many chicks as you’ve been with, you are an idiot. A blind idiot. Why does Mika leave as soon as you walk in the door? Why is she always snarling at you when you have a girl hanging off your balls? Why do you think she brought that idiot to Leila’s and my celebration dinner when we found out we got temporary custody of Tammy?”

I shrug because as far as I can tell, we both avoid the other like the plague. On my part, I’m just not okay with coming onto her and sleeping with her when I know we’re gonna make things awkward down the line. It would suck a lot to have to see her at weddings, birthdays, and all that other family stuff after giving her the bone and then walking out.

Can’t forget a woman who’s practically family, since she’ll always be around.

“I think you and Mika may just be attracted to each other and you both don’t know how to deal with it,” he says slowly, his gaze steady and daring me to deny it.

Like I can. The man was standing right next to me in the pool when Mika came over to his and Teeny’s for Tammy’s birthday, and trust me, that bikini would have made a dead man get an erection.

Damn embarrassing to get hard in swim trunks with a passel of children running around screaming and making bombs in the pool.

“Hey, fuck you, okay. That bikini was indecent,” I mutter.

“No, no, it really wasn’t, considering it was a tankini and she was wearing more than my own woman was,” he laughs, punching my arm playfully and poking fun at me.

“Whatever. We’re just friends, and that is the way it will stay. She’s Leila’s sister, and she doesn’t need me sniffing around her like a hound dog right now. I’m here to take care of her until she gets well and goes home. Don’t get any romantic ideas. I still got a lot of random one-night screwing to accomplish before I even think of settling down.”

I don’t care if I sound like a dog. I’m a twenty-nine-year-old man with a lot of years to make up for. I still want to go out and party and just hang with my boys.

Being in a serious relationship with anyone right now is not what I want or need. Besides, you think I’m down with having this little woman on my back about the way I live?

She’d kill me the first time I didn’t remember an anniversary, and she’d be on me for kids and all that shit. I don’t want any of that yet. Hell, I don’t know if I even want kids. Ever. Mom would have a heart attack if I ever whispered a word of that blasphemy out loud, but it’s true.

I like Tammy. Hell, I love the squirt, but she’s enough for an afternoon, and then I am more than happy to give her back to her parents with a do-not-return-soon sticker attached.

I just want to live my life, on my terms, but as the last man remaining, the only Wylder boy to be single and free, I am definitely feeling the heat from all sides to find a woman and settle down.

Not happening. Not even sure I’ll ever get married.

“Fine. Grow old and die alone. What the fuck do I care?” Lynx mutters, tossing his empty bottle in the trash can before loping down the porch steps.

“You better let Mika call Leila sometime today, after she wakes up. I know that she usually checks in at some point, and if she doesn’t, she and Lyon will just be over to her house or calling out an APB.”

“Hell.”

Lynx walks off with a laugh at my horrified expression, and I watch him trot over to the back door as Teeny swings it open and Tammy comes bounding out in her bathing suit.

I laugh at the expression on his face and the way he looks up at the darkening sky before scooping her up and going inside. I can hear the screaming from here and wince, feeling sorry for the poor schmuck.

Yeah. So not ready for kids.