Mika

 

 

I suck in a breath as a jolt of discomfort shoots through my insides, and push my legs off the side of the bed, gingerly sliding down until my feet touch the floor.

It’s taken me a good while to come out of it and not feel like hell from the anesthesia, but I’m feeling semi-alive and okay, so it’s time to go home and maybe drink a few pain pills with a half jack of Kentucky whiskey.

I’m alone, and yeah, I know that I lied to Hawk about coming here with Tiff, but give me a break. I started asking her if she’d come with me, intending to ease her into the whole, I have some huge fucking lump on my tubes and the doctors wanna make sure it’s not an alien, when she showed me the rock on her left hand and started squealing and jumping around like she’s just discovered the cure to, well…yeah.

No way did I have the heart to ruin it for her, so I kept my mouth shut and just hugged her and told her how happy I am for her. I am. Really. I’ve been waiting for the wild child Tiffany Ambrose to fall in love since college, and I am very, very happy for her.

I just don’t think I can be happy now because, as it is, I have one friend who is not a friend and hasn’t shown up for a family dinner in two weeks, thanks to my presence, and another who tongues her boyfriend in front of me as if it’s legal to do that stuff with another person’s eyeballs bleeding.

“Miss Evans?”

I look up to see the nurse smiling at me from the doorway and try to smile back, not wanting to make her uncomfortable just because I’m a miserable lump right now.

“Yeah?”

“Doctor Forbes asked me to get you ready to go home, and I also filled your prescription since I don’t think you wanna stand in the pharmacy, feeling like you do. Don’t worry. Your insurance covered it.”

Well, thank God, I think, wincing when I contemplate my savings and get a load of the receipt attached to the brown packet of pills.

No wonder people are not impressed with our current healthcare system.

“Thanks. Uh, I just need to get dressed and call a cab.”

She helps me put everything on, even pulls up my panties without commenting on my lack of grooming. What? You think I wanted to spend an hour shaving my pubes just so I can use a vibrator? Puhlease.

I’m ready in no time and being wheeled out to the waiting taxi, my eyes twitching when I ease into the front seat because I feel like hell and getting car sick is bound to happen if I’m back there.

“Thanks.”

“Now, you take it easy and take the pills for the pain. Two every four to six hours.”

Yeah right. I’ll chew those things like candy if I need to, but I don’t tell her that, just in case she decides not to let me go. The drive home takes long because the cabbie takes one look at me and decides I need a break from potholes and jarring, an absolute first for me.

The house is quiet when he helps me inside, and I thank God Leila didn’t decide to drop by uninvited again as I pull on a loose nightshirt and glug two pills with a glass of wine.

Being alone sucks! It really sucks right now because I could use someone to whine to, and talking to myself doesn’t help, because the bitch has no sympathy.

I fall asleep not long after sliding into bed and wake with the phone ringing. I try to ignore it. I do. It’s Saturday, for God’s sake! I made sure to have this thing on a Saturday just to avoid people, and here I am, hearing the ringing stop only to start up all over again.

“What!” I yell by way of greeting, not giving a shit who it is because my freaking everything hurts right now and all I want to do is pop some more pills and sleep until it all heals some.

“Why aren’t you answering your phone?”

Ahg.

“Hawk, what do want?”

“Why aren’t you answering your phone?” he repeats, his voice a hard bark of demand that has me grimacing a rueful smile.

“I was sleeping. You know, that thing you do when your brain and body switch off and you can’t hear anything?”

He stays silent, and I know my sarcasm irritates him, but he’s smart enough not to call me on it and eventually sighs.

“What’s going on?”

Agh.

“Nothing. Chilling at home on Saturday, resting, being lazy,” I say airily.

“Cut it out, Mika. Did you go?”

“Yes.”

God, the man just won’t take a hint. I don’t want to talk or shoot the breeze or anything. I just want to sleep and feel better tomorrow so I can go to work on Monday and not give my secrets away.

“And?”

“Hawk. I just had the procedure, okay? Doctor Forbes will call me in when the results are in. I have to wait. Now, if that’s all?”

“No, it isn’t all! You know who I saw at the fucking supermarket, Mika?” he yells, making me beg Jesus to not let me down here.

I think I know, damn you, Tiffany! But I’m hoping it’s more along the lines of Vin Diesel. How cool would that be?

“I dunno? Oprah?”

“Haha. You know. Why did you lie?”

Oh, why not? So many reasons and so little time or patience to discuss this, I think snarkily, hating that I just got caught when, in truth, I’d hoped just once that my rotten luck wouldn’t let me down.

“I just didn’t want all the hassle and stuff. It was fine. I went in, and they knocked me out. Minced my uterus a little and sewed up a wound the size of my thumbnail. It’s fine.”

Hawk is silent for a long time, and I start feeling guilty about lying when I hear him sigh tiredly.

“You didn’t want me there? I thought we were friends,” he says softly.

“Yeah, me too. Except you’ve been avoiding me since we talked, and you don’t even show up for dinners at your mom and pop’s place if I’m there. Do me a favor, okay? Don’t pull the hurt card on me when you’re the one doing the hurting,” I say, my tone hard because I hate this.

See? I should have just pushed him away in that pool and gone home. Sure, we weren’t exactly friends before and we couldn’t stand being in each other’s company, but at least I could look at him and sneer. Now, I just can’t look at him. Mostly because he’s a coward and he’s hiding.

“I was working, Meek.”

“Sure, and I went to a Pilates class today just to feel the burn.”

“I’m sorry. It’s just not easy seeing you and not wanting…”

“Sex. Yeah, okay. Thanks for blaming your shitty behavior on me, Hawk.”

“What do you want me to say? I want you. I miss you, and I hate that we got to be friends and I ruined it. I hate that I want to invite you over for pizza and beer or just a movie so I can look after you but that I’d probably want more, and that’s not good for us.”

“I don’t want you to say anything,” I answer softly before ending the call with a sniff and a slow release of the handset.

I take two more pills, screw the directions, and fall asleep with the certainty that I should so show him that I don’t need him. Even if I do.

********************************************************************

“Oh my gosh, you look gorgeous.”

Leila beams at me from her place in front of the mirror, her hands shaking as she smooths her wedding gown and slants a critical eye over the whole picture.

She’s beautiful in an ivory princess-cut gown with her white hair pinned up and baby’s breath sprinkled in her hair along with some sticky crystal stuff that I know poor Lyon will struggle with later.

Leila looks perfect, exactly how I pictured it when she described the gown she was keeping top-secret. I am so happy for her, dreadfully happy for her, and I can’t manage a single bad feeling no matter what I’m dealing with when she turns to me and smiles, her eyes tearing up.

“I’m so nervous.”

“Oh, Lala, what for?” I ask, using her old nickname like I used to when she was the one calming me down. “He’s waiting out there for you, and it’s going to be great. You’ve already started this whole life. All you have to do now is make it legal.”

She sighs and comes to sit beside me, our time together something she insisted on even when Mom tried to muscle her way in here and stay, barking out orders to the stylist and makeup artist.

“No, I know. It’s just I’ve waited for this for so long that now that it’s happening, I can’t really process it, ya know? Like if I stop looking and lose focus for just a second, I’ll wake up and it will have been a dream.”

“Oh, Lala,” I sigh, hugging her close, her perfume a floral reminder of the way she would hug me. “It’s not a dream. Trust me. Would a dream have your ideal guy hogging the covers and snoring?” I joke.

Leila laughs and pulls a face, her smile so bright it’s almost blinding. This day has been months in the making. Lyon and Leila wanted to just get hitched at the courthouse, but Mom and Dad threw a fit about it, and she capitulated because I guess Mom’s been waiting for this all our lives.

She hasn’t once asked me if I’m planning to get married, but then again, I don’t think she believes anyone would have the messed-up daughter, and so it hasn’t even crossed her mind.

“Agh! Why am I crying? I’m so happy.”

“Because you’re happy?” I whisper, giving her another squeeze.

Leila stills at my voice and looks at me, really looks at me, her eyes going hard when I just grin back.

“What’s wrong?”

“Not a thing. I’m just so happy for you, Lala, and a little envious. You got a good one there, and it’s hard to find someone like that with the trolls trawling the clubs these days.”

I try to joke, but she knows me so well it’s a wonder it’s taken her this long to sniff that I’m not as bubbly as I’m pretending to be.

“Meek?”

“Agh! It’s nothing. I swear! Just Mom and Dad trying to convince me to move down their way and Dad nagging me about my job. The usual. I’ll get over it by the time the free bar opens and the music starts.”

“You sure?”

“Positive,” I say, giving her a nod of determination.

“Good, because, uh, I wanted to talk to you about something. I…we…Lyon and I wanted you to be the first one to know, and I guess…I’m just a little nervous about telling you,” she says hesitantly, taking my hands in hers.

My heart stops beating for mere seconds at her tone and the way her eyes flit away from mine, but I force a smile to my lips and make myself breathe, because I already know. I can see it in her eyes, and I will die before I take anything away from her today.

“Oh, Lala. Please make my day and tell me you’re pregnant.”

She looks at me, shyly and with so much hope I grab her and burst into sobs of laughter, giggling and crying at the same time because I am happy. I am so happy for her it hurts.

“I am. I…we weren’t planning children at all. I don’t think Lyon was even thinking in those terms for at least ten years he’s so pedantic about my birth control, but I guess it failed,” she says, giggling back when I push her away and grin.

“This is so awesome. The best news on the best day. I’ve been waiting for this since you told me about Lyon the first time. I never once stopped believing you’d get your happy ending, Leila, and I don’t ever want you to be afraid of telling me anything. Not when it’s such good news. Now, dry those eyes, girl, and let’s go get you married.”

She looks so happy and relieved I want to kick my own ass for giving her the impression that I would ever be anything but happy for her. It’s true that it hurts too, but it’s not a killing hurt, more of a longing and the sadness that I won’t ever know this happiness myself.

Leila grins, and we spend another five minutes repairing makeup before we link arms and shuffle out the door, my hot-pink dress clashing with Leila’s and delighting us both when Mom’s eye twitches when she sees us. Tiffany smiles at us both, as does Lori, who’s pushed herself into a pink dress for this auspicious occasion, and then I’m kissing Leila and primping my way down the aisle, throwing Lyon a wink.

Hawk is there too, standing as best man along with Lynx, but I hardly spare him a glance and watch as Leila comes sailing down, her smile so big I can’t stop a giggle and a whoop!

That has her laughing and Mom sending me looks, but I show Leila how much I love her by bearing the displeasure and being exactly what she needs me to be.

The exchange of vows is traditional, and I smile because I know Leila tried to get Lyon to write his own but he refused to say the words of his heart in front of a crowd, insisting that what they have is private and theirs alone.

Aaaw.

The preacher announces them man and wife, and I cheer along with everyone else, a little too enthusiastically, when Lyon dips her and kisses her with tongue and a wicked grin.

I’m envious, happy, sad, a whole lot of things I won’t allow to spoil the day, so I watch with a grin as they walk out among cheering and a lot of confetti, grateful for once that Mom got her way and had them sign stuff before so that all Leila has to do now is dance, drink water, and be merry.

“My lady.”

I start and look over, smiling at Harlan when he offers me his arm. I take it, feeling truly light when he pulls me into his side and leads me out with the other guests.

Getting my results was not easy, not with the wedding just days away and feeling alone and depressed, so I am especially grateful to Harlan for coming with me, no strings attached, just being a good guy and a friend when I need him to be.

Not that he hasn’t asked me out again, because the man has done it at least a half dozen times after Tiffany told him I’m not in a serious relationship with Meathead Wylder, but he’s patient.

Which is…nice, I guess.

The photos on the church steps are a feat of engineering that Hitler, AKA Mom, pulls off with a bang, the entire guest list all crowding together just like Leila and Lyon wanted.

There aren’t hundreds of us, just family, friends, and some extended family that rounds it off to about a hundred and fifty, Dad’s limit after he saw the extravaganza Mom wanted to throw.

God help us all.

We hit the reception not long after, Lyon and Leila’s wish to be outside in the huge garden at Rain’s house drastically cutting the budget and saving my father from a heart attack.

We drive over en masse, and it’s a hell house when we finally find parking and stumble around back, me giggling at Harlan’s curses because old Aunt Cora almost clipped him in her huge car.

It was so funny! She’s tiny, barely sees over the wheel, and it looked like a ghost was driving right at us. I knew who it was though, but I really took a lot of glee out of seeing Harlan turn white and swerve at the last minute, giving up his spot to the irascible old bat.

“I think she was aiming for us, Mika.”

Oh, there’s no think to that statement. I laugh silently, turning to look at Cora and getting a wink in return. Old bat.

“You ready for this?” Harlan asks when we reach the huge gazebo-style tent to see Leila and Lyon smooching their faces off at the main table while Mom flits around and Rain laughs at her.

Ready? To go in there and see Hawk? No. Ready to be merry and pretend that I’m okay? No. Honestly, I don’t know how I found it in me to do this but to say that I’m used to pretending, so I’m working on autopilot.

“Let’s blow this party open!”