Picking Rose up out of the tub, I place her gently on her fluffy pink towel and wrap her up. I then hide her face with the towel. “Where is Rose?” I singsong. Pulling it away, I say, “Oh! There she is.” She rewards me with a gummy smile and gurgled giggle.
I quickly dry her, and I’ve just finished putting her diaper on when there’s a knock on the door.
Zeke. I didn’t exactly keep my promise and call him after his random visit the other day. For some reason, I felt like I was doing something wrong seeing as just hearing his voice sends my heart and memory racing. No matter how in love I am with Seb, this whole situation feels like one huge minefield. One that I want desperately to figure out before something blows up in my face. I did message him, though. Knowing it’s going to be weird being around him for some time, I thought we might as well try to talk something out in person while he’s here instead.
I tuck Rose to my chest as I walk to the front of the house. Zeke walks in as soon as I open the door. “Hey, gorgeous.”
It takes me a second to realize he’s talking to Rose. I nudge the door closed and hand her over to his waiting arms.
“Sorry, she’s just had a bath.”
“All good. I know not to walk in uninvited again.” He tries for a good-natured smile, but I go tense as I see right through it.
I clear my throat. “I’ll just go grab her something to wear.”
I walk to the nursery and pull out a blue dress and diaper cover then make my way out to the living room. I find Zeke sitting on my favorite couch with Rose lying on his legs as he smiles down at her, tickling her naked belly.
God, the number of times I dreamed of moments like these, only to have them fade when my lips first met Seb’s, and then new ones invaded. The sight of them together still warms me all over, though, because he’s clearly besotted with her. Which makes me so happy for her I can hardly breathe. To know her father, to have that one person in her life who’ll always look out for her, protect her fiercely, and dote on her is something every girl deserves. Something I never had the chance to experience. And she’s lucky enough to have been blessed with two of those men—if we can somehow get all this to make sense.
Zeke looks up and gives me a soft smile when his eyes find me standing there, watching them.
“I get that this must feel kinda crazy for you.” He clears his throat. “Ah, after everything I’ve done.”
I walk over and plop myself down on the couch beside him, making sure to leave a bit of distance between us.
“It does, and it doesn’t. I’m just glad she’s going to have you in her life, to be honest. That’s all I could wish for in the end, and here you are.”
He stares down at her. “Yeah, but I’m the lucky one.” He tucks his hand underneath her head, lifting it to his lips as he bends over slightly to kiss her. She tries to grab his hair, but he quickly evades her. Bopping her tiny nose with his pointer finger, he makes her almost go cross-eyed as she tries to follow the movement. “God, Liv, I’ve been such an idiot.”
“I’ll say. And last night at Dusty’s—”
He halts me with a raised hand. “I know, shit. I was being a complete dick.”
“You can’t provoke him like that, Zeke. Leave it alone. I’m sorry you want something I can no longer give you, but that’s not his fault.”
He sighs, taking the dress from the couch beside me and gently pulling it over Rose’s head before tugging her arms through. I pass him the diaper cover and watch as he slowly maneuvers her chunky legs through the holes of it.
“It’s mine.”
“What is?” I ask, confused.
“All of it, it’s my fault.”
I don’t respond and let the silence speak for itself. He plays with Rose while I clean the bathroom and prepare her bottle. As he feeds it to her, I decide there’s no time like the present. “What days are you free?”
He glances over at me. “I’ve actually been talking to Paul about going back to work for him. After getting my ass chewed out, of course.” He snickers. “I’m just lucky they need someone.” He shrugs. “So I guess nights, weekends. I start back next week if all goes well.”
“Okay, that’s good then.”
“Yeah, just let me know what days suit you. If you ever need a hand, I can come over straight from work in the afternoons, evenings. Whatever you need.”
I think about it for a few minutes, staring off in a daze as he places the bottle down and burps her. “Let’s just see how we do with a day visit on the weekend, and maybe one night every now and then after work, you can come and put her to bed, if you want.”
He nods, settling her on his chest and rubbing her back. “Sure. Just text me or call whenever you’re free. We’ll work it out.”
I get up, hoping he’s right, and go back to the kitchen after she falls asleep on him, which is something I’m trying not to let her do too often now. But I let it go this time because he isn’t here with her every day like I am. She needs this time with him as much as he does with her.
I wash her bottle and place it in the sterilizer before returning to the sink to finish the bowls and the few pots from breakfast and dinner last night.
“Should I tuck her into her crib?” I look up from the water to find Zeke standing with Rose in his arms.
I nod. “Want me to show you?”
“I’ll do it then you can check after if you want?”
I nod again and watch him walk away before returning to the task at hand. I need to keep myself busy and distracted. I have no fucking clue what to do with him when he’s near me now, not after six years of togetherness. I guess it’s time to learn, but I’m not quite ready or entirely sure how to do that.
“She’s okay. Want this?” He places the baby monitor down on the counter and stands with a hip against it.
“Thanks, I’ll just go check on her.” I find her tucked in with her blanket pulled up to her belly. The blinds have even been pulled closed. I close the door halfway and make my way back out to the kitchen, stopping along the way when I find Zeke near my bookcase, trailing a finger along the spines.
“You still read?” he asks absentmindedly
“Uh.” I scratch my head, taken aback a little. “Yeah, not as much as I did pre-Rose, but I can maybe squeeze one or two in on a good week. Why?”
He shrugs. “I just remember watching you in high school before we started dating. Always with your nose stuck in a book.” He grins over at me. “I found it both infuriating and sexy at the same fucking time. Especially once you were finally mine.” His hazel eyes narrow in on my face, daring me not to remember the number of times he plucked one out of my hands, before he demanded my full attention. Let’s just say I was all too happy to ditch the fictional, swoon-worthy male heroes for my own real-life version. I feel my face burn then turn to walk away, wondering when he’ll leave and stop trying to get under my skin once again.
I’m pulling open the refrigerator to grab a drink when it’s suddenly slammed closed by a large hand, and I’m spun around. Zeke crowds me until my back is flush against it. His muscular arms cage me in on either side of my head. I swallow and look down at the floor, wondering what the fuck he’s doing. Wondering what the hell I’m even doing, just standing here like a stunned idiot.
Duck under his arms, move, Olive.
Before I can, his hand tips my chin up to meet his gaze, and I lose all train of thought as the past comes back to split my heart in two for one single moment in time. One moment that could cost me everything I now hold dear yet I’m stuck. Trapped underneath the force of memories that swim within his burning gaze. With one look, he’s begging me to remember, to feel. And damn it, I do. It might not be everything it used to be, but during this one moment, I remember. I start to feel everything that Seb helped to erase.
His head moves closer to mine as he whispers, “There’s my girl. Fuck, I’ve missed you.” I don’t answer; I can barely hear him as my pulse starts thundering in my ears. His lips brush the side of my face, and I squeeze my eyes shut. “I’m sorry, Liv. So fucking sorry. I know it’ll never be enough …” Then suddenly, I feel his lips touch mine, softly, questioningly. And still, I don’t move. For some fucked-up reason, I just stand there and risk something incredible and real for something that once seemed like such a beautiful dream.
My heart stalls in my chest as his warm lips meld with mine. It might last only a fraction of a second, but it’s long enough to know that this is all wrong. This isn’t the same pair of lips that mine have grown accustomed to kissing. That mine have fallen in love with kissing. That I’m utterly addicted to kissing.
Holy shit, what the hell am I doing?
My eyes fly open as I inhale sharply and pull away, my head bumping into the refrigerator behind me.
The front door opens, sending my tumbling thoughts scrambling as my head turns to see Seb walk into the kitchen entryway and stop dead in his tracks.
I stop breathing as my heart nosedives out of my chest and starts swimming in my stomach, causing it to churn violently.
Shit, fuck, shit, and holy mother of God—this can’t be happening right now.
Zeke’s eyes are still on me as he takes a step back. My gaze connects with his to find his eyes glassing over with resolve. He knows. It’s written all over his face as he clears his throat and walks straight out the door that my heart is no longer his. No matter how much he tries to bend it to his will.
Seb ignores him as the door closes softly yet audibly in the dead silence behind him. He stands shockingly still as his brown eyes stay fixed firmly on me. I try to talk. I can tell by the look on his face that I need to talk, to say so many things right now. But even as my thoughts scream at me with a force that rattles my skull, needing to be set free, I can already see he won’t believe me. Not by a long shot.
What have I done? What I allowed to almost happen just seconds ago could wreck everything. Just watching the hurt glaze over those beautiful coffee-colored eyes on the man standing before me already has me fearing the worst. I know there’s a good chance he won’t let me explain, but I have to try. I’ve fucked up, but I didn’t actually do anything. Which is exactly how I fucked up. I just can’t seem to speak, to tell him that. To say a fucking thing at all. He comes unglued and stalks back to the door and so do I as I chase after him with a terrified desperation that has my heart twisting in my chest.
“Seb!” I yell as he opens his truck door. I grab his shirt just before he climbs in. “Wait, please,” I croak, my voice husky with panic. “Just … just give me five minutes, and I’ll explain.”
He laughs dryly, the sound cut off by sudden coughing as he rests his arm against the truck and lowers his head to it. “Oh, fucking hell,” he rasps before lifting his head and shaking it.
I’m still clinging to his shirt as I force words to spill out of my mouth. “It wasn’t as bad as it looked. I know that sounds so stupid and cliché, but it’s true. He cornered me, caught me by surprise, and I guess …” I trail off, suddenly at a loss for what to say.
My hands come loose from his shirt and fall to my sides as he turns around to glare down at me. “You guessed what, Olive? That you might try one out? For old times’ sake?” His voice is harsh, cutting me open in places I didn’t even know existed.
I shake my head frantically as tears start to gather in my eyes. “No, nothing like that. But I didn’t stop him, and I should have. I … I just froze.” I take a deep breath and step closer to him. “You believe me, right? God, I’m such an idiot. I can’t even explain it.”
I watch the harsh rise and fall of his chest until he gently pushes me back away from him, which has my eyes snapping up to his. “What? Seb, it wasn’t what you’re thinking, and Zeke and I …” My hands dive into my hair, needing something to hold on to as frustration and fear tie my insides into knots. “There’s nothing there anymore, at least not for me.”
His nostrils flare as he looks at me incredulously. “All I know is that you kept saying it was me, that you fucking chose me!” I flinch as he yells. “And whatever the fuck I just walked in on in there has me thinking you don’t even know what you god damn want, Olive.” He blows out a heavy breath, shaking his head and lowering his voice. “You know what? I can’t … I thought what we had was strong enough to get through this bullshit. But I just can’t …” My vision clouds further with tears until I can barely make out his broken features.
No, no, no, he wouldn’t. But as I’ve said once before; there’s only so much patience one man can have, no matter how perfect he seems.
“I’ve gotta go. Shit, I can’t even look at you right now. It hurts, Liv. It’s killing me slowly every time I do.”
I rush forward. “You can’t. I’m sorry. I should’ve moved, pushed him away.” He ignores me and climbs into the cab of his truck. “You promised me!” I yell right as he closes the door and starts to back out.
The tears overflow and make their way down my cheeks as I fall to my knees on the grass. “You promised,” I whisper to the sound of his truck as it speeds off down the street.