“He what?!” Millie screeches at me.
“I know, I know,” I mutter and throw my head in my hands. “And I just stood there and let him.”
It’s been two days; two whole days that have passed by with the unsteady pace of a drunk snail. I haven’t heard from Seb, despite trying to call him exactly thirty-two times—according to my call log—and sending several text messages. Heartache and fear have filled every waking moment since. I have to know if he’s okay; if what he says is true and it’s really over. Despite already knowing that he might not be able to get past what happened, I can’t let him go. Not like this.
Millie shifts on the couch next to me, and my eyes meet hers as she rakes her blue gaze over me.
“What?” I ask
“Oh, nothing. Just checking to see if you’re really Olive Sawyer or a motherfucking alien who’s abducted my best friend.”
“What the fuck?” My head rears back in confusion.
She raises a blond brow at me. “Well, the Olive Sawyer that I know was insanely in love and wouldn’t fuck that shit up by doing something so damn stupid like, oh, I dunno, letting some asshole practically kiss her.”
I sigh, knowing she’s right. Regret is a nasty bitch that just won’t let up and release its razor-sharp claws, especially when I feel as if a part of me left in that truck with him two nights ago. And I do regret what happened, like nothing else in this world. Even if I didn’t exactly kiss him back.
“I can’t even explain it, Mil,” I mutter as I scrub my palms over my tired eyes.
She snorts. “Well, you’d better start trying, girlfriend. Before I call NASA on your ass.”
I smile weakly then tell her everything that happened, how it happened, and what happened afterward.
“He won’t answer any of my calls.”
She hums. “Shit, Liv, this is messy. I get that you didn’t really do anything wrong, but you didn’t do anything right, either.”
“I know. Like I said, I was shocked, I froze, and then it was too late.”
“Have you been over to his place?”
I shake my head. I desperately want to, but I just don’t know how welcome my presence will be.
“I haven’t seen him around the hospital since Sunday morning.”
That was the morning before it happened. He must be at home then.
“Do you think he’d hear me out if I went over there?”
She scoffs. “The guy is probably hella mad and hurt. But you and Rose mean everything to him, so maybe he just needed some time to cool off and think things over?”
Millie stands when there’s a knock on the door, answering it while I just sit here and wonder if she’s right. Surely, he knows I’d never willingly do anything like that to hurt him or risk losing him. Resolved, I stand and go to see who’s at the door. Then I hear a loud male groan. “Fucking hell, what the hell, Millie?”
“You deserve way more than that, cock-waffle,” Millie hisses at Zeke, who I find bent over in the doorway, hands cupped between his legs.
I barely suppress a laugh, but remembering all that happened a few days ago has my anger rising at rapid speed.
“The fuck is with people wanting to injure me as soon as I step out from behind a damn door? I’m buying a motherfucking tent,” he mutters to no one in particular as Millie and I glance at each other in confusion.
He rises to his full height, blowing a huge breath out of his mouth as his eyes land on me. “Can I grab some ice? Your super nice bestie here just ruined any chances of me procreating again in this lifetime.”
I do laugh at that. “You didn’t.” I turn to Millie, who simply shrugs.
“What do you want, Zeke?” He’s the last person I want to see right now. The fact that I’m also itching to get over to Seb’s apartment to see if he’ll talk to me isn’t helping either.
He eyes Millie before looking at me. “Can we maybe talk in private? I want to apologize for the other day.”
“Anything you wanna say to her can be said in front of me, douchecanoe.”
He furrows his brows. “Douche what?”
“Oh, yeah.” She points at him. “Don’t think I don’t know what your stupid ass tried to do the last time you were alone with her.”
“Liv?” He glances at me. “Honestly, I won’t pull that shit with you again. I just need five minutes.”
Sighing, I nod. The quicker he talks, the quicker I can leave.
Millie throws her hands in the air. “Jesus Christ, okay whatever.” She grabs her purse from the kitchen counter. “I’ll be watching you, homewrecker.” She shoulder checks him as she walks out, which doesn’t do a damn thing considering he’s double the size of her small frame.
“Call me!” she hollers as she heads down the porch steps.
Zeke shakes his head as he comes in and closes the door. I’m backing away before I even register what I’m doing.
He winces as he watches me, “Liv…”
“No.” I hold a hand up to him. “What you did, you stubborn ass, could ruin everything for me.” My voice shakes on the last words as frustration and anger fight their way up my throat.
He steps forward with his hands held up in supplication. “I know, and I’m sorry. That’s why I’m here. I was hoping we could talk.”
“Talk about what, Zeke?” I hiss. “You’ve heard everything I have to say. You knew exactly what you were doing—”
He cuts me off. “Yeah? So why didn’t you stop me then, huh?” He takes another step forward, and I swallow thickly at the determined look on his face. “You could’ve told me to step away, back off, pushed or slapped me. Any of those things. You didn’t, though, did you?”
It’s true; I don’t answer him, though.
He smirks. “Exactly, babe. Let’s face it, you”—he points at me—“were wondering.”
I scoff. “Wondering? It was all of twenty seconds, Zeke! You caught me completely off guard, and I froze.”
He just stares at me, so I continue. “Look.” I sigh. “I’ll always care about you. What we once had meant everything to me, but you tore that to pieces. I’ve moved on, and you need to accept that.”
His laugh is empty of humor as it escapes his mouth. “After six years, you just moved on, did you?”
“Yes, thanks to you. Don’t forget that you’re the sole reason I ended up with Seb in the first place, so really, I should be thanking you.”
“Thanking me? Are you fucking kidding me right now?” He growls then exhales a heavy breath, lowering his voice. “I fucked up, Liv. I made a god damn mistake. Granted, it was a huge one, but I’m back,” he says softly.
“You don’t get it, do you?” My voice rises along with my frustration. “I’m in love with him—nothing you say or do from here on out will change that.”
He shakes his head and takes another step closer. “No!” I shout. “Don’t you fucking dare. I’m allowed to be happy, Zeke. Please,” I rasp, “just let me be happy and stop trying to create more of a mess. The last one you created is enough to last a lifetime. No more,” I beg him.
He scrubs his palms over his face. “Liv, I can’t just let you go. I fucking love you. I never stopped loving you. I was just lost within my own self-righteous bullshit.”
I scoff. “Oh, you loved me, did you? So did you love me while you were going out to the movies and doing God knows what else with other women?” I eye him pointedly.
His face instantly goes blank, but I see it. That flash in his eyes.
“Liv, I’m not going to lie to you. I left with no intention of coming back, and those first few months, before what I’d done really started to sink in …” He sighs and looks at me apologetically. “Well, I’m not proud of anything that happened during that time, and if I could go back—”
I cut him off. “And that’s it, Zeke. We can’t go back. Only forward. And thanks to your decision, one that you need to learn to live with, I’m moving forward with someone else.” I slide a hand through my hair. “So just stop. Please. I’m happy, well, I was happy. Now, I don’t even know …”
He looks confused. “What do you mean? Did that fucker break things off with you over what happened the other day?” I don’t miss the thinly veiled hope beneath his question.
“Maybe. I think so.” I pause, throwing my hands in the air. “Christ, I don’t even know. But regardless, you and I can’t go back; it’s been almost a year, Z.”
“Yeah, but we can go forward together,” he suggests. “I’ll be a better man; all my stupid hang-ups are behind me, Liv. I was just scared. I promise we’ll be just like we were before, only better now, stronger.” He takes another step forward as I watch him in a daze.
Those words … if I had heard them all those months ago before I knew what it was like to be loved by Sebastian Mathews, I can honestly say that they might’ve been everything I wanted to hear. But now, well, now my heart sings in sync with the heart of a man who showed me what it was like to breathe again. To smile and laugh again. To love without fear again.
And I need to go to him.
I look up at Zeke, who’s now standing right in front of me. I lift my hand to touch his stubbled cheek and watch as his eyes close.
“You were my first love, my partner in crime, and I’ll always cherish what we had.” His eyes fly open, his hand coming up to rest over mine as his eyes plead for something I can’t give him. “Some part of me will always love and care about you because of that. But life and love have different plans for us now.”
I watch his corded throat as he closes his eyes once more and swallows.
“I’ve really lost you, haven’t I?” he rasps.
Tears start to blur my vision; this man was once my whole world, my reason for getting up in the morning on some of the toughest days of my life. We had our ups and downs, but he loved me fiercely and always made sure I knew that. So despite all he’s done, I don’t want to hurt him. I just want to find a way to keep moving forward without all this turbulence interfering with my happiness.
“I’m sorry, Z,” I whisper.
He wraps me up in his arms, his head dropping to my hair as I feel his big body shake. I wrap my arms around him and set the tears that have gathered free, knowing we need this. We need the release and some form of closure—together.
I don’t know how long we stand here like this, but I feel the weight of a thousand broken dreams drift into the very air around us as I let go of the resentment that’s been wrapped around me like a noose for all these months. They say that forgiveness is for you. You give it in order to heal. To move on. Yet I’ve done both those things just fine without needing to forgive. I’m willing to move forward and accept him as part of our lives, but I don’t need to forgive for that to happen, nor will I forget. I’m not the same girl he once knew. He can no longer manipulate my heart as he pleases. No, that right has been given to someone who doesn’t have to manipulate. Someone who’ll treat it as the gift it is.
That is if he even wants it anymore.
With that thought, I pull away and wipe underneath my eyes. Zeke clears his throat as he looks down at me, his eyes glassy with tears left unshed. Hearing Rose crying through the baby monitor breaks our moment of silent staring. He steps forward, gently grabbing my head and placing a kiss on top of it before he turns around and stalks back out the front door.
I watch the door for a minute, wondering if that’s really it. If he’ll let old wounds heal and stop trying to make new ones. I head to the bathroom, wiping my face before going to change Rose and give her a bottle. I have a certain brown-eyed male to try to hunt down.
“Come on, baby girl.” I place her in the stroller then make my way down the street, making sure to ignore Mary’s house. I’ve been hoping she missed the show that Seb and I surely put on late Sunday morning. I wouldn’t put it past her to install cameras now and have them pointed toward my house, you know, to get really thorough with that neighborhood watch that she takes rather seriously.
Once outside Mariel’s bakery, I stop at the familiar door that leads up to Seb’s two-bedroom apartment. I press the buzzer and wait.
Then wait some more.
Okay, maybe he can see me and is ignoring me. I kick the brake down on the stroller and step back to look up at the windows of his apartment that face the street. But there’s no way he’d be able to see me from where I’m standing underneath the awning.
“Olive?” Mariel herself steps outside her bakery door that’s only a few feet away. A kind Italian woman with large brown eyes. Though only middle-aged, the woman has always seemed wise beyond her years. There’s something about the way those eyes of hers study not only you but her surroundings. With a keen fascination and understanding.
I force a smile. “Oh, hey Mariel.” I jerk my thumb toward Seb’s door. “I was just looking for Seb; he must be at work or something,” I mumble and tuck some hair behind my ear. There’s no doubt a lot of the residents of Ivy Falls know there’s trouble between the two of us by now. It doesn’t take long for the gossip mill to put the pedal to the metal and step it into high gear.
She frowns. “He didn’t tell you?”
My heart skips a beat. “Ah, tell me what?”
“He’s gone. Gave me a call yesterday to let me know he’ll be out of town for a while.”
My heart stalls altogether as I just stand there, stupefied.
He wouldn’t …
But he has. He fucking has.
I start choking as my heart kick starts in my chest, the air suddenly drowning my starving lungs.
“Are you okay, Olive? I could’ve sworn he would have told you …” she trails off while I swipe tears from underneath my eyes.
I sniff. “Sorry, bad cold. Still getting over the worst of it,” I lie. “And yeah, I think he mentioned it. I’ll, um, I’ll just give him a call.” I kick up the brake and turn the stroller around to head back home. “Thanks, Mariel.” I wave distractedly as I walk away.
I don’t hear if she answers.
He promised.
I can barely hear a thing over the sound of my heart shattering into pieces for the second time in the span of one year.