I sink down further into the warm, bubbly depths of my bathtub until only my head rests above the surface. Rose has only been asleep for an hour, but I have no idea what to do with myself. Even when she’s awake, I’m back where I once was, stuck in this repetitive cycle of trying to ignore the pain squeezing my heart like a vise. Only, this time, the intensity is so much harder to bear.
It’s been four days since I found out that Seb left town. Four days of feeling as though I’m trapped underground while life continues to move on right above me. If it weren’t for Rose, I don’t even know if my heart would keep beating after the last and most brutal blow it’s taken. What I’m struggling most with is the fact that he didn’t even let me explain; he just left. Just like Zeke did before he skipped town. As if I don’t have a say in the breaking of my own heart. I just have to sit back and let the blows keep coming. It’s unfair even if it is partly my fault. It’s unfair, and it’s cruel. But that’s what makes breakups so damn hard, isn’t it? One person is always left more shattered than the other. One person always has more broken pieces especially if they had no control or say over the demise of their relationship.
I reach for my glass of wine only to find it’s already empty.
Damn. I force myself to leave it and not get out to refill it. I’m not normally a big drinker, but I need something to help dilute this pain. To take the edge off. Except I have a tiny little girl who’s relying on me to keep it together as much as I possibly can. So getting drunk every night after she goes to bed isn’t exactly something I want to get into the habit of doing.
Where are you, Seb?
I taste salt as more silent tears trail down my face. I don’t even know it’s happening half the time anymore. It’s a wonder I have any left to cry, really. This is something I never thought he’d do, just leave me like this. When he fucking knows everything that Zeke put me through. It doesn’t make sense that he’d just leave.
Nothing makes sense anymore.
I scrub my palms over my eyes, feeling the charm bracelet slide around my wrist. I stare at it for a second then yank it off and throw it at the wall, watching with little satisfaction as it slides down to the floor with barely a sound. I’m sick of the tears and this ever-present throbbing in my chest that seems to radiate and echo through my bones.
Slowly submerging my head under the water, I try to let it all out until the crushing pressure on my lungs becomes a brief but welcome respite.
Sunday morning brings little reprieve from the sour taste of sorrow filling every taste bud in my mouth. Not even coffee, my life source, dulls it. I watch in a daze as Rose flops around on her tummy on her play mat, trying to remember what time Zeke said he’d be over.
He visited last week, and I walked him through her nighttime routine. All the while thinking that Seb knew this, Seb could care for Rose as if she’d always been his. But I persisted, mustering up the strength to get through the visit, and even chatted briefly afterward. I think he knew I wasn’t in the mood for any lackluster conversation or heavy questions, so he left not long after and said he’d see me today. At least, I think it was today. Christ, well, it wasn’t yesterday, was it?
God, I need to get my shit together. Seb didn’t die; he just doesn’t want to be with me. I laugh humorlessly to myself, startling Rose who’s bottom lip pouts right before she starts to cry. I put my coffee down and lie on the mat beside her. Picking her up, I place her on my chest. She tries to lift her head and look down at me, but gets tired and soon just rests her head on my boobs. I stare up at the ceiling as I rub her back and hold her little bottom with the other hand. I don’t know how long we stay like that for, but some time must have passed because Rose is sound asleep and Zeke is now standing over me, staring down at us with a frown tugging at those sandy blond brows.
Shit, I didn’t even hear him come in. I blink up at him, shaking myself loose from my dazed state.
“Hey,” I croak.
He sits down on the floor beside me and leans back against the couch, running his hand gently over Rose’s back.
“I tried to call and knock, but after not hearing anything from you, I decided something might be wrong, so I just came in.” He glances down at me. “I know you don’t want me to do that, but shit, Liv, I was worried. You do know the door wasn’t even locked, right?”
He knows; he knows Seb’s gone. And even though it’s because of him kissing me, I can’t muster up the energy to stay mad at him for it even if it led me here. I know I messed up, but I don’t think it warranted this. Not without at least having enough faith in me to hear me out.
I sigh and direct my gaze back to the ceiling. “I took a dirty diaper out earlier this morning. So don’t worry, it wasn’t left unlocked all night if that’s what you’re thinking.”
It’s his turn to sigh; I hear him shift beside me.
“Fucking hell, Liv, I’m sorry. I didn’t think I’d cause something like this to happen.”
I scoff. “Really?”
“Really. And even if I did, then I had no idea it’d affect you so badly.”
I don’t answer him. Closing my eyes, I try to keep more evidence of my heart’s damaged state held at bay.
“Hey, why don’t you go lie down for a bit? I can watch her.”
I shake my head and keep my eyes firmly closed as I respond, “It’s okay; I’ll be fine. I’m just …” God, I’m not talking about this with him. “I’m just tired,” I lie. Sort of. Because I am exhausted. But that’s the least of my worries, to be honest.
Silence fills the room for a few minutes before dissipating with the sound of his voice.
“Remember that time, right before we graduated, when Ryan got busted making out with the cleaning lady in the janitor’s closet?”
I frown but remember.
He continues, “His girlfriend got so freakin’ mad. What was her name again?”
“Quinn.” A smile tugs at my lips as I open my eyes. “She grabbed the mop and said she’d wipe their dirty asses off the face of the planet.”
He chuckles. “Yeah, didn’t she chase them around the halls with it? Screaming?”
A laugh bubbles out of my throat against my will.
“Yes!” I sniff and wipe underneath my eyes. “What ever happened to Quinn?”
He shrugs. “God knows. I think she left the state for college. Hence why Ryan decided to be a dick. He said he was planning on breaking up with her anyway, seeing as he was staying close to home for college.”
I shake my head. “Ryan could be such a dipshit back in the day.”
He laughs. “He still fucking is, most of the time.”
I smile again, and it feels strange. Like my face muscles need to adjust to the action of it.
“The cleaning lady was pretty hot, though,” I admit.
She was beautiful, quiet, and at least ten years older than we were. Never would have expected her to cave to Ryan’s mediocre charms.
“Damn right, she was.” He grins. “Anyway, just remember, it could be worse. At least you aren’t getting chased around with a hundred-year-old mop while having death threats screamed at you.”
That has me grinning. “You’re right.” Although, it might just be a welcome distraction.
“I know this might sound dumb, considering it’s partly my fault that you’re feeling this way, but I’m here for you, Liv.” He rests his hand on top of mine, which is still on top of Rose’s bottom. “Anything you need, just let me know. I hate seeing you like this.”
I try to ignore the irony in that statement, considering he left me in a similar state almost a year ago. I decide to let it go. If he wants to help, then maybe I should just let him.
“You know what?” I glance down at Rose. “I might take you up on that offer and go lie down for a while.”
He nods, shifting to carefully take Rose from my chest and cradle her in his arm; she startles but settles almost instantly when he rocks her gently.
“You didn’t have any other plans for the day?” I get up and look down at him.
“Nope. I told you I’d be here today, so I’ll stay as long as you let me.” He strokes his hand over her soft head of hair.
“Okay, her next bottle is made up and in the fridge, just …”
“I know, Liv, you’ve shown me all that. We’ll be fine.” He jerks his head in the direction of the entry to the living room. “Go rest. I’ve got her.”
I’ve known this man for years, and I once trusted him implicitly. Even though I never expected him to betray me like he did, he’s not evil. I know Rose is in good hands. If he has any trouble, he’ll come get me.
“Okay, thanks.” I watch them for a moment then move to the bedroom. Closing the door, I let myself fall on my unmade bed sheets, my eyes instantly blurring with tears and exhaustion, my mind spinning so much that it almost feels empty.
I stare at the door until my gaze falls to the photo on my nightstand. The one of Seb and Rose that I got from Millie for my birthday. I reach over and tip it until it falls face down onto the wood of the nightstand. I should really check to see if it’s broken, but if it is, what does it matter anyway? I roll over and face the wall, letting the tears slide down onto my pillow as my eyes slowly drift shut, and sleep takes me as a willing hostage.