“Jack, my dear friend.” I lift the bottle of Jack Daniels to my lips and kiss it dramatically, feeling ecstatic and relieved to have found this little beauty in my mom’s mini bar. It was hidden well behind some vintage bottles of wine and collecting a shitload of dust, but it’ll do just fine. More than fine, hopefully.
I got home from work only ten minutes ago and barely stepped foot out of the shower before I was slammed upside the head with these fucked-up feelings. Christ, who needs them? I swear to God, maybe I was on to something in my earlier years. Maybe if I’d listened to those stupid alarm bells blaring in my ears every time Liv wanted to take the next step in our relationship, I wouldn’t be where I am now. Feeling like an absolute asshole who’s fucked up more times than I can bear to even think about. And like I need to rip out this stupid thing called a heart from my chest.
“Yo, Z!” someone shouts followed by banging on my mom’s front door. Great, I sigh. Just as I was about to unscrew the lid and get reacquainted with my old pal.
I swing the door open to find Ryan. “Yeah?”
He chuckles, moving in past me and heading to the kitchen. “Fuck, you’re a surly motherfucker these days.”
I close the door and follow him. “Don’t exactly have a lot to be excited about, as you already know,” I remark snidely.
“I dunno,” he says as he takes a seat at the counter. “That little girl of yours is pretty damn cute.” He grins fondly then picks up the Jack to study the bottle, brushing some dust off the sides.
I can’t help but smile. She sure fucking is. The very reason I wake up every morning.
“So …” He puts the bottle down. “I guess you know by now that Seb’s back?”
I rub my jaw, sighing.
“Uh-huh. The fucker showed up at Liv’s house at the butt crack of dawn like he owned the place.”
He frowns. “What do you mean? What were you doing there?”
I shake my head. “It’s nothing like that.” Though I wish like hell it was. “I was on the couch. She got home late the night before after going out with Millie.”
He nods. “Ah, I bet he was real fucking pleased to find you there.”
I chuckle. “To be honest, the dude was on such a mission that he barely spared me a few questions before he was all over Liv.” I shake my head. “I almost expected him to get on his damn knees or some shit. Pussy-whipped motherfucker.”
Ryan scowls. “Man, you know what?”
I shrug, eyeing him. “I don’t really think I wanna know …”
“I’m gonna tell you anyway.” He points at me. “Maybe if you had screwed your head back on sooner and taken a page out of his book, you might not be standing here now. All messed up in the head, angry with the world, and being a shithead.” He drops his hand and raises a brow at me.
I scoff. “Get fucked. I’ve tried as hard as I can with Liv. I’m still trying, just … backing off. And I’m staying right here. As long as she doesn’t take mister fucking hero back, then I have a feeling she’ll come around.” I shrug. “Only a matter of time, really.” My words ring hollow even to my own ears. But hey, you gotta believe in something, right?
Ryan all out laughs. “Fuck me. Whatever bullshit you’ve been eating for breakfast, I think I need me some of that.”
I growl quietly. “So is there a reason for this visit? Or was it purely to antagonize me?” As if I don’t already have enough of that shit going on in my own brain. Man, why couldn’t he just stay the hell away from my girls? Not that I expected him to. But hey, a guy can dream.
He grins. “Just checking in, man. Thought you might wanna watch the game. Shit’s getting boring now that Beau is chasing Millie’s hard-to-get tail on the regular. Speaking of …” He eyes my mom’s kitchen. “Beau mentioned you’ve looked into leasing out one of the units in his building?”
I nod. “Yeah. Even with Mom being gone all the time for work, I kind of want my own space again.”
He nods. “Understandable. And hey, it’d probably do you some good. Setting down some permanent roots again.”
I agree. We shoot the shit for a while, and I put the Jack away, grabbing us a couple of beers instead. He leaves after watching the game and, thankfully, keeping the conversation on lighter topics.
I decide to call Liv before I start shutting shit down for the night. I lean against the counter as the phone rings in my ear, hoping she’ll pick up. Hating that if she doesn’t, it might be because she’s playing happy family with Seb again.
“Zeke?” Her tired voice answers.
I clear my throat. “Hey, I was just checking in.” I scratch my head, thinking. “Uh, how’s everything going? You doing okay?”
She’s quiet for a beat. “Yeah, I’m okay. Thanks for asking. It’s been a crazy couple of days.” She pauses. “I never thanked you for staying and getting up with Rose. So thanks …” She finishes with a nervous laugh.
“No need to thank me. I’m happy to help out anytime.”
There’s a long stretch of silence as I work up the courage to ask her something that’s been eating at me. Something that I don’t even know if I want the answer to. “Hey, I was wondering. Did you ever get that check I had sent before I came home?”
She sighs in my ear. “Zeke …”
“I’m guessing that’s a yes. It’s okay, you can tell me. I just wanted to make sure it was delivered, I guess.”
Yeah, fucking right. I legit roll my eyes at myself.
“Um, yeah. I got it, thanks.”
She doesn’t elaborate. So naturally, I keep digging. “I know it wasn’t much in the scheme of things, especially with everything I’ve done. Lord knows you deserve so much more—”
She cuts me off. “I tore it up and threw it out.”
My eyes widen. I knew it. I mean one look at my bank account confirmed it. I don’t know why I asked. I guess I just wanted to find out why she didn’t take the money. And a tiny part of me wanted to make her sweat for a minute, which only makes me hate myself that little bit more.
“I’m sorry, Zeke. I just … well, I don’t feel comfortable taking your money yet. I’m happy for you to help out in other ways for now, though …” she trails off.
I nod even though she can’t see me. “I get it. All good.”
“I’ll need diapers for a long time to come, and you’ve seen what formula she drinks. If you could keep picking up those kind of things every now and then, it would help a ton,” she says meekly. As if offering me some way to help might soothe the blow I know I deserve.
“Right. I’ll make sure to keep doing that.” And I will. I mentally add grabbing some more shit to the to-do list for tomorrow after work.
“I’ll see you this weekend?” she asks.
“You bet. I wouldn’t miss it for the world. How’s our girl?”
I can almost hear her smile through the phone as she tells me about Rose and how her day was.
After another awkward silence, I’m shocked stupid by what she says next.
“I know, in your own way, you probably think you’re still in love with me. That you won’t be able to stop until you have me back. I know you, Z.” She sighs. “But please, listen to me when I say it won’t work.” I wince at the sincerity ringing from her firm tone. “No matter where I end up or who I end up with in future, I can’t go back. Those feelings have changed. Some part of me will probably always love you, but it’s not big enough for me to want to act on it anymore.”
I knew this. Damn it, I did.
But being the idiot I am, I’m clinging to that small part that she says still loves me. Even if that just means she cares about me, I know one day, she’ll get caught up in a memory of us. Of how we used to be. And I’ll be ready and waiting when she sees me like she used to.
She’s my end game. My first and only love besides our baby girl.
“I know. I thought we could try on this friends thing for size,” I lie with a chuckle. “Can you give me that much, at least?”
She laughs. “Hmm … I don’t see why not.”
I grin until she adds on, “Strictly friends only, though, Zeke.”
“Scouts honor,” I say seriously.
She laughs again. “You were never a Boy Scout, dude. Ever.”
I grin again. “I’ll be anything you want me to be, bestie.”
She guffaws. “Okay, back it up a bit there. I’ll see you Saturday.”
“That you will. Later, Liv.”
“Bye, Zeke.” She hangs up, and I slowly pull the phone away from my ear. Wondering why I feel like shit and, yet lighter from that conversation, at the same damn time.