My niece Lorelei was born on the same day that I last saw Liv.
Dan called to say that Sienna had gone into labor five weeks early, and quite frankly, he was freaking the fuck out. After a short phone call, I found myself needing to hightail my way out of Ivy Falls. So I packed my duffel bag and got into my truck. The long-ass drive was the least of my worries. Being there for my brother was my priority and getting away from the mess at home was just a bonus. Even if I do feel like I left something vital behind.
I can’t believe it’s almost been two weeks. Two weeks of walking these familiar hallways through the hospital to the maternity wing. I spot my brother sitting outside the neonatal nursery. As I approach, he raises his head from his hands and nods in my direction.
“Hey,” Dan says.
“How’s she doing today?” I ask.
He grins at me. “Great, now that she’s breathing on her own and no longer has any of those scary ass tubes attached, I can finally see her pretty little face. And damn, she looks so much like Sienna. When I saw her for the first time without it all—well, it was as if I fell in love all over again, you know? It was like looking at Sienna but different.”
I try to swallow down the lump in my throat. The way he describes his love for Sienna and Lorelei has me thinking of Liv and Rose.
“That’s so good, man. I’m happy everything is progressing well. Can I see her?”
“She’s feeding at the moment; I chose to step out, so there are no distractions for them. Let them bond and all that.” He laughs a little.
“All good. I’ll wait.” I take a seat next to him.
Dan looks as me questioningly, and I know what’s coming. My shoulders stiffen as I wait.
“Seb, I think it’s time you go home; Lorelei is doing great, and you’ve been away long enough.” He straightens as he continues, “I know this has been hard, but those girls need you. I understand that now.”
I scrub my palms over my face. “I don’t think I can … not now.”
“What? Why the hell not?”
“Because I’ve done exactly what that dickhead did to her. I just fucking left.” I slump down in my chair and run a hand through my hair. Nothing I say will ever excuse what I did. I didn’t even talk to her. I promised her I would never leave her, yet here I am. After I did exactly that.
“You can. She loves you. You both just need to work it out with each other, and the only way to do that is to go home.” He reaches over and pats me on the back. “You can’t tell me you’re gonna keep hanging around here. You know what you need to do.”
I scoff at his choice of words. Of course, I already know exactly what I need to do. It’s been eating away at me for the past week. I’m just scared shitless of what might happen when I actually do it.
A classic fucking case of knowing and doing being two completely different things.
“Seriously, think about Rose. You’re the first father she ever knew, and you’ve just up and left her? You’re letting her sperm donor just swoop in while you’re absent? Fuck that. I know what I’d be doing.”
I barely hold in a growl thanks to his choice of words.
Damn it. I know he’s right. And the thought of Zeke doing exactly that makes my heart slam with brute force in my chest. Even if what he says is true, I’ve had all the same thoughts and arguments with myself countless times already.
So what the hell am I still doing here?
Fuck it. “Yeah, excuse me for a sec. I’m gonna make a phone call.”
I rise from my chair and start walking to the waiting room. I pull my phone from my pocket and press the home button, the lock screen reminding me of the pieces of my heart that I left behind as their beautiful faces light it up.
It’s getting late, but I dial the number I need and wait to hear a voice on the other end.
“Stephens,” he answers.
“Hey, it’s Mathews. I’ll be back tomorrow. Can you roster me on?” I hear laughter on his end of the line. “Well, nice to know you’re alive. I’ll figure out the roster and email it through in the morning.”
“Thanks,” I mutter as I promptly end the call.
Walking back, I stop to buy a small teddy from the gift shop for Lorelei. It’s pretty scraggly looking, but it’s the thought that counts, right?
Entering the room, I find Sienna and Dan on the couch and a bundled up Lorelei in Dan’s arms. I scrub the shit out of my hands then, placing the teddy down beside them, I hold my arms out for Lorelei. Dan passes her over to me, and I look down into her eyes that are wide open. He’s right; she looks so much like Sienna without the tubes on her face. Staring into her dark eyes has me thinking of the contrast to Rose’s lighter ones.
“She’s beautiful,” I say under my breath, unaware that anyone is listening. I carefully stroke her small cheek and whisper, “I’m gonna have to go now, princess, but I’ll see you soon.” I raise my head and look at Sienna and Dan.
“Thanks for being here for us, Seb. We appreciate it more than you know,” Sienna says as she holds her arms out to me for Lorelei.
“Don’t mention it; there’s no way I would’ve missed it. You guys know that. But it is probably time I finally head home. It’s a long trip, and I need to get back to work.”
Dan gives me a shit-eating grin. “Thank God for that. ‘Bout damn time, bro. You gotta go back to Mom and Dad’s first?”
“Nah, I’ve kinda been packing my bag every morning and putting it in my truck, you know, just in case.” I rub my neck. “Uh, in case there’s an emergency or something.”
Dan shakes his head and laughs, Sienna joining in as well. Yeah, I’m aware I sound like a fucking nutcase when it comes to Liv, but they don’t need to give me shit for it, too. I do enough of that on my own.
“Thanks for the teddy, Seb. It’s kinda cute and happy Easter. We’ll see you soon?” Sienna asks.
“Yeah, with my two girls in tow … hopefully.” I can only hope that’s the case. Guess it depends on what I find when I get back.
I give Sienna a quick kiss on the cheek then Dan and I slap each other’s backs. “Have a safe trip, and make sure you call Mom. Otherwise, she’ll be on your ass about leaving her without warning.” He laughs and shakes his head.
“Good morning, everyone! Oh, Seb, be a dear and help your dad with the bags, will you?” Mom says as she enters the room.
I guess I won’t have to worry about that.
“Where is he?”
She doesn’t answer, just goes straight to Lorelei and starts her usual clucking. I wander out into the hall in search of Dad. Rounding a corner, I find him hunched over, trying to pick up the gazillion bags Mom’s probably loaded him up with.
“Jesus Christ,” I mutter as I bend over and give him a hand. “What is all this?”
He merely smiles. “Oh, just baby clothes, mostly.” He frowns. “Uh, there’s actually a couple here for Rose, I think. God knows which ones.” He shrugs and keeps walking. I follow beside him. “I’d be surprised if there was stock left in any of these stores.”
I chuckle. “Exactly what I was thinking.”
We skirt around a group of residents. “Speaking of Rose …” I trail off as we reach the door.
“Going home?” he asks hopefully.
My brows rise. “That eager to get rid of me, huh?” I laugh.
He dumps the bags by the door. “Nope, you’ve been a great help. But I know you need to go. I’ve been waiting for it. I’m actually pretty surprised it took you this long to get your head outta your ass.”
“Gee, thanks, Dad.” I sigh. “It’s not just that. I wanted to be here, make sure everything’s okay.”
He claps me on the back. “Son, that girl came out a fighter, and she’s gonna be just fine. I could’ve told you that from the very first day she arrived.” He stares intently at me. “Now, no more excuses. You’re a Mathews, after all. If Liv is your woman … then I honestly don’t even know why you’re still standing here.”
We stare at each other in silence for a moment.
He’s right.
So damn right.
“Yeah. I’ve really gotta go,” I croak.
He nods. “I’ll say. Now drive safe and get the hell outta here.”
Leaving Graysfield late wasn’t really the brightest idea I’ve ever had, but my need to get home was greater than my need to sleep. Now, with only five minutes left of my drive home, I start to wonder how all this might pan out. Especially knowing that Liv more than likely doesn’t want to see me at the moment, let alone at six in the morning. I can’t wait any longer, though. I’ve been a world-class idiot; it’s been long enough. I can’t let things get any worse between us than it already probably has.
I should’ve called or even simply texted. Staring at my phone and watching her name flash across the screen those first few days after I’d left had me feeling torn to pieces. The temptation to hear her voice—to let her explain and tell her I’ve been a dickhead—was so fucking strong. But my hurt was stronger.
The day those calls stopped coming was the day I started doubting my sanity. Doubting my reasons for taking off like I did. The way I reacted to finding Zeke’s mouth so close to hers, and the way his arms held her captive against her refrigerator. That fucking image was on constant replay in mind. Why didn’t I notice how stiff and shocked she first looked? Her reaction, but also lack thereof, spoke volumes.
I have no idea what the hell was even going through her mind in those moments. What was she thinking, letting him so close to her? Letting him put his lips on something that wasn’t his anymore?
Maybe exactly what she said, asshole.
I sigh and pull over out the front of her house, turning off the ignition and resting my head back against the headrest. I guess, ultimately, I didn’t know if I could get past it. Not only the kiss, almost kiss, whatever the hell it was, but mostly feeling like an unwanted third wheel who was maybe just getting in the way of their happy ending.
Somewhere along the way, I forgot something pretty damn important. This is my family. My forever. I didn’t just choose them; they chose me, too.
I open the door to my truck and get out.
Hindsight is a bitch. But I’m done playing Zeke’s games.