I look at the time on my phone once more as nerves set my gut tumbling inside out. 11:01. Right, any minute now then.
After coming home to a disappointed Millie a few days ago from my meeting with Zeke, I argued back and forth with myself for hours. Until I just couldn’t handle it any longer and realized that postponing his meeting with Rose would just make me stew over it even longer.
I talked it over with Seb, who’s been noticeably distant even while he’s here—which I’m upset to find is less and less this past week. I told him what was happening, and he agreed that he wants to be here when they meet. He also agreed that I couldn’t keep Zeke from her and said he understands—yet again. I just wonder how much truth is behind his words when his eyes are screaming something completely different. And maybe it makes me selfish, but I really can’t seem to focus on more than one mess at a time right now. Not when Rose and Zeke are meeting any minute for the very first time. Something I thought might never happen.
“All nice and fresh, aren’t you, sweet girl?” Seb says as he nuzzles into Rose’s neck. She giggles in response, something she’s taken to doing even with all the insanity that’s invaded our lives over this past week.
“Thanks.” I step up on my toes and kiss his chin before tugging her pink polka dot dress over her diaper-covered bottom.
“Do you think he’ll show?” he asks as he sees me check the time once more. 11:05 a.m. I can’t help but notice the hope that spreads across his wary features.
I nod. “I think so. He seemed …” I trail off. Seb knows what happened when I met with Zeke. I won’t keep anything from him. If we’re going to make it through this tumultuous time, we need to keep communicating. “He seemed really excited about it. Like maybe she’s the main reason he’s back.” I shrug and look down at the counter, nerves causing me to drum my fingers against it. I watch as my charm bracelet slips and slides around my wrist.
“Hmm, let’s hope you’re right about that.” His tone seems to betray his thoughts. He doesn’t agree, and I don’t blame him, really. He’s been almost too supportive of everything. I’m expecting some anger, some hostility, distrust. And I’m not blind; he’s shown all that, just not toward me. I can’t help but wonder if he truly feels none of that toward me, or if he’s liable to crack at some point. My heart twists painfully at the thought of it.
I look up when there’s a knock on the door. But before I answer it, I look at Seb. “You sure you can handle this?”
He frowns. “Liv, if you can handle this, then I’m right beside you, handling it with you.”
I let out a shaky breath. “Okay, here goes nothing.”
My hand trails over his back as I move past him to the door. Wishing we could go back to that lazy morning when everything glowed with late morning sunshine and the promise of a new beginning. If we could, I honestly don’t know if I’d answer the door.
I swing it open, only to have my eyes immediately assaulted by a large stuffed bear. Hazel eyes and mop of dirty blond hair peek out from around the side of it. “Hey, sorry I’m late. I couldn’t decide on what to get her, so I settled on this big guy.” He shakes said ‘guy’ around a little.
Even with trepidation coursing through every vein in my body, I can’t help but smile. That’s something I can imagine him cursing up a storm over in the toy aisle.
“That’s fine; I’m sure she’ll love it. Come in.” I step back and let him in. If he thinks the fact I have to now invite him into my home, a home we shared together as a couple for a few years, is as weird as I do, he doesn’t show it. He just strolls right by me and places the bear on the dining table outside the kitchen. I close the door and turn to find Seb glaring at him with Rose curled up in his arms and sucking on her fingers. But Zeke doesn’t return the glare. No, whatever he’s feeling, he’s either keeping locked up tight, or it just pales in comparison to laying eyes on his daughter for the first time in person.
His eyes dart to mine, his gaze a little watery as he clears his throat. “She’s, she’s so small … beautiful.” He looks back at her. “But bigger than I thought she’d be too.”
“She’s almost four months old,” Seb interjects coolly.
Okay. Shit.
Zeke does glare at him then, before hopefully realizing that it’ll get him nowhere with the six-foot-three man who’s holding his daughter in his arms.
“I guess I should apologize for the other day. The way I went about things wasn’t exactly … ideal.” Zeke winces.
Seb simply nods before looking over at me. I rub my palms together nervously, deciding to move this to the living room and hopefully leave this suffocating tension behind in the entryway.
“Ah, let’s go sit down, maybe,” I mutter and move without waiting to see if they follow. Hoping and praying they can keep their cool around each other so that this might work out. Or at least not break anything.
I take a seat, and Seb sits beside me, looking as if he never wants to let Rose out of his arms as he watches Zeke sit across from us in the armchair. I don’t know how this is supposed to work. I don’t think this kind of thing is an everyday occurrence. Maybe I should’ve looked for an online support group or something like that before this meet and greet. I feel so woefully unprepared and overwhelmed all at the same time.
“She has your hair,” Zeke remarks, still staring at Rose.
All I can think to say is, “Yeah, she does.”
Seb clears his throat, obviously feeling more uncomfortable than Zeke and I combined.
“Here.” I look up at him as he passes Rose over to me. I feel terrible, but I guess this will go nowhere fast if he doesn’t.
“I’m gonna go grab a drink. Want something?” I notice he doesn’t ask Zeke—fair enough. I shake my head and watch his back as he exits the room, knowing he probably needs a minute to himself more than he needs a drink.
“May I?” Zeke nods toward Rose. Hope lights up his handsome features in a way that I’ve never seen before. I stare dumbly for a minute then nod. “Ah, sure.” I stand and move over to the armchair where he’s sitting, feeling my heart pounding in my ears as I hand my baby over to him. She starts to cry as soon he takes her, so I bend down, leaning over him slightly to help settle her in the crook of his arm.
“Shhh, baby girl. You’re okay.” I tickle her tummy as she looks from me to Zeke with a trembling lower lip. Realizing how close I am to him, I step back and watch as he smiles down at her. When she settles, I notice that his shoulders start shaking. I hold my breath and bite my lips to keep my own tears from falling. One escapes before I can block it, and I quickly swipe it from my face as Zeke looks up at me. Heartbreak and raw emotion have his big body shuddering. Rose starts playing with his hand that’s on her belly as he rasps, “I’m so sorry, Liv.” His gaze returns to Rose. “So fucking sorry.”
I nod and sit back down, needing the distance since I’m unable to leave the room and let the rivers of tears I’m keeping at bay break free. As soon as I sit, I see Seb standing at the entrance to the living room; his jaw clenched as his gaze moves from Zeke and Rose to land on me. I try to force a reassuring smile, but give up when I see his gaze narrow, and his dark brows pull into a severe frown.
He retreats from the room again, and I continue to watch Zeke and Rose. My feet shuffling nervously on the ground have me crossing my ankles and fidgeting with my bracelet, wishing Seb was sitting beside me right now, but also grateful that he’s not. This moment … there are no words to really describe it. When a father meets his baby for the first time … well, that’s naturally going to bring any man to their knees. But meeting your baby for the first time after you’ve fucked up and abandoned her? Missed out on every moment in the first four months of her life? That’s something that could ruin even the strongest of men. The fact that Seb recognizes the gravity of this moment, of what Zeke and I must be feeling, and therefore seems to be putting his own feelings aside, only makes me fall deeper in love with the kind of person he is. If that’s even possible when I’ve fallen so far that I have no hope of seeing a way out, even if I tried.
It’s then I fully realize that not even the man sitting in front of me, who once had me believing I was ruined for all other men, could shake this soul deep attachment.
Zeke sniffs and shifts Rose in his arms a little, gently running a large hand over every part of her he can touch. Her arms, chunky little legs, and soft brown hair. She smiles up at him, which has him choking on his own as he beams over at me. “She’s the most perfect thing that I’ve ever seen.”
I couldn’t agree more. “I know, but you should see her when she’s in a mood.” I laugh and shake my head. He has no idea what he’s in for if what he says is true, and he is in this for the long haul.
“Is your mommy lying?” He tickles her tummy with a finger. “Is she?” I can’t help but smile as I watch her let out a giggle and kick her legs in response.
“Oh, you’ll see, don’t worry.” I sink back into the couch, starting to feel some of this bone-deep tension leave my limbs as I do.
His lips tip up softly. “I hope so.” He meets my eyes. “Because no matter how bad it gets, Liv. I couldn’t …” He looks down, and I watch his chest heave as he lets out a few heavy breaths before his eyes lift to meet mine again. “I know it might take time, but please Liv, you have to believe me. I’m here—for the good, the bad, and the in between. I don’t want to miss another day, another hour that I could’ve spent with her.” The sincerity in his voice is hard to ignore, and despite all that’s happened, I find myself believing him.
I nod, not exactly equipped with a response for that right now.
We sit quietly for a little while, and I start to wonder where Seb is and what he’s doing.
“I’m going to go make her a bottle. Back in a sec.” I know Zeke. He’s not a horrible person; he’s human, and he’s made some huge mistakes, but I trust him enough to leave him alone with Rose for a bit. Besides, he might want the time alone with her, too.
I find Seb in the kitchen, leaning against the sink. He’s staring down into a mug of coffee, which I notice is pretty much empty as I take it from his hands and place it on the counter. He looks at me then, and the anxiety swimming in those brown depths has me feeling like the worst person in the world even if we can’t really avoid any of this. I wrap my arms around his waist and rest my head on his chest, listening to his racing heart. I hear him swallow and the speed of his heart does slow some as his chin rests on top of my head. His arms wrap around my shoulders, so tight I feel like he’s trying to meld us into one person.
“I love you, Sebastian,” I whisper into his bicep.
“Love you, too Liv,” he breathes, and I feel him place a kiss on top of my head as he says, “So damn much.”
I close my eyes and just enjoy being wrapped up in everything that’s him. His warmth, the feel of his strong body around mine, and that clean linen and minty scent that always accompanies him. And I start to truly relax for the first time in days. I needed this. To feel close to him like this, to feel reassured from him like this. I’ll always need him. He’s become as essential to me as breathing, which might not be healthy, but I can’t bring myself to deny or worry about it.
It’s too late for that now.
I hear Rose start to fuss and pull away, remembering it’s time for her bottle. “I’d better make a bottle.”
He releases me, and I prep it before walking back into the living room, finding Zeke at the window with Rose gazing out of it as he bounces her gently in his arm. I stop for a moment, feeling torn by the image of them together. It’s something I barely allowed myself to hope for, and now, it’s happening. Right in front of me. The sight both soothes and unsettles something inside me. I don’t know what I expected really, that he’d be your normal bumbling first-time parent, not knowing how to hold or settle her. But within half an hour, he’s proven that might not be the case at all.
His eagerness is written all over his face as he turns and finds me standing there, a soft smile curling his lips as he comes forward to take the bottle. “Do you mind if I feed her?”
I shake my head dumbly, letting him take it from my hand and then move back to the armchair. I snap out of my daze and move over to help him situate her, which requires minimal guidance. I suppose Rose helps with that as she all but yanks the bottle to her mouth with her closed fists and usual desperation. He laughs as he sits back and watches her suckle like a baby possessed.
“She loves her food?” He arches a thick brow at me.
“Oh, yeah.” I smirk down at her and place the burp cloth next to him. “She’ll need a good burp afterward. Just sit her up or hold her up to your shoulder and rub and pat her back.” I show him where best to position her for maximum burpage and then sit back down.
Her eyes fight to stay open as she lies back in his arms afterward. I guess that’s when Seb reaches his limit; he enters the room and heads straight for them. “I’ll put her down for her nap.” His tone leaves no room for argument even though I can tell by the way Zeke looks up at him for a second that he wants to argue it very much. He settles on giving a sharp nod then kisses her little head before passing her over. Seb instantly has her wrapped in his arms against his chest and leaves the room without a backward glance at a now frowning Zeke.
Once he’s gone, he turns that frown to me. “Is that something you put up with regularly? The whole controlling thing?”
Oh, my freaking God.
I try to stop it, but the irony of his stupid question has me hunched over laughing and wiping tears from my eyes. I sit up after a minute and try to catch my breath just as Zeke says, “What? What’s so funny?”
I wave a hand about. “Just you …” I wheeze out and take a deep breath. “Saying that Seb is controlling. You’ve gotta realize how dumb that sounded, coming from you, right?” I arch a brow at him.
He rubs his jaw and gets up from his seat. “All right, you have a point.” He smirks down at me. “But either way, it’s good to hear that laugh again. I can’t tell you how much I missed it.”
The smile falls from my face.
I clear my throat. “Zeke …”
He raises his hands. “Right, got it. Just sayin’.”
I get up to walk him out. He stops outside on the porch and turns around as I remain in the doorway, unsure what to say or do from here. He thankfully fixes that dilemma when he starts talking.
“Thank you, seriously. I know this can’t be easy for you. I …” He shoves a hand through his hair. “Shit, I can’t explain it, Liv. But I’ve already fallen in love with her, and I promise you that I’ll do whatever I can to make this up to you and to her.”
I stare at him for a minute, probably a minute too long as everything about this past week crashes down on top of me like a tidal wave. He’s back, and he really plans to stay.
Feeling at a loss for words, I swallow thickly and mumble some kind of goodbye then lean back against the now closed door. I scrub my shaky palms over my cheeks. This is it; nothing will be the same. We now have to create a new normal. If such a word can even exist for us.