My heart is pounding so hard as I slip my boots on that on top of everything else, I’m worried it’s going to give up on me when I need it most.
“You sure you’re ready to do this?” Millie asks from my bedroom door, cradling a sleepy Rose in her arms. I called her back when she finished work last night to give her that update she wanted. And also to ask if she could watch Rose for an hour or so today. Thankfully, she’s not working until mid-afternoon.
I nod, not entirely sure of what would come out of my mouth if I were to open it right now.
“Okay, don’t do anything I wouldn’t do. That means you gotta kick him up the ass and in those baby makers of his. Ya hear?” She arches a blond brow, completely serious, which for some reason makes me feel a little less nervous as I let out a laugh.
“I’m not even joking. I seriously want to come with you just to inflict the damage myself.”
I stand and grab my purse, walking over to her and Rose. “I know. That’s why it’s funny and why I love you.” I squish her cheeks and then kiss Rose on her soft head, inhaling that baby smell. I do it every time I can now, knowing those days are almost behind us.
“Quit sniffing your baby and get out of here.”
I arch my brows. “Oh, and you don’t do it?”
“Ah, yeah.” She rolls her eyes. “That’s what I mean. Save some of that goodness for me, duh.” She turns and stalks down the hallway to the nursery.
“I’ll be here, you know, waiting not so patiently for news of his balls’ inevitable demise,” she calls over her shoulder.
I smirk and say goodbye. Stopping to grab my phone off the kitchen counter, I can’t help but notice that Seb still hasn’t been in touch today. He knows where I’m going and who I’m meeting with. I told him last night when he called on his break. He was quiet but said he understood. I’m guessing he understands, but I’m also guessing that doesn’t have to mean he’s handling it very well.
Sighing as if the weight of the world has been placed on my shoulders, I tuck my phone into my purse and head for the door. I need to get this shit over with and just go already. I close the door behind me and walk out into the early spring air, letting the smell of the blossoming gardens invade my senses as I start the walk to town. I was going to drive but didn’t see the point in rushing it. I’m regretting that now as I have a few more minutes to stew.
I don’t even know what to expect really. I mean he’s been gone for almost a year. Even if I have already seen him and he made his intentions kind of clear, I have no idea what he’s hoping to achieve by meeting up with me or by even by coming back at all. I just hope I can handle it. Handle him. Despite my bravado over the phone, I’m well aware of the way he’s always been able to manipulate my emotions and feed off my feelings for him to his advantage. In the past, he knew I’d take anything he gave me, but he was almost respectful in the way he took from me. Never pushing me too far, he always respected and loved me as if he felt just as strongly about me as I did for him.
That was what I thought.
Ugh. My eyes start to roll. How you can love someone but leave them the way he did makes no sense to me. And no matter what he says—what his reasons are or were—I don’t think it ever will. And I’m okay with that, I think. Even if he remains a bruise on my heart that may never fade. Seb has shown me that a different kind of love exists, one that’s true and given freely without fear or reservation. And it’s now changed my view on everything that Zeke and I once had.
Walking into the park, I scoop my hair off my neck to one side with shaky hands, feeling my skin start to sweat. I rub my hands together before scrubbing them down my peach sundress. I look up and instantly lock eyes with those familiar hazel orbs that felt like a distant memory just days ago. He’s standing over by the pond, waiting for me. I try to swallow past the knot forming in my throat, thinking randomly that I should’ve brought a drink with me. I drop my gaze to his blue denim jeans, wishing with everything in me that I didn’t have to do this but knowing that I have to.
“Liv,” he breathes as I stop a decent distance away from him. A distance he tries to close almost immediately. That has my head snapping up as I step back. A pained look masks his features as if he didn’t expect me to put any space between us after all he’s done.
“Let’s sit.” I jerk my head toward the bench. The same bench where I sat with Seb all those months ago when I was still tied up in knots over the man who’s now walking beside me. Thinking of Seb gives me the strength to sit down and dive straight into it. No bullshit.
“What are you doing here?”
He looks shocked at my question as he takes a seat, thankfully leaving enough space between us that I won’t have to do so myself.
“Wow, ah, nice to see you, too, Liv.”
I laugh humorlessly; he can’t be serious right now. Can he?
“Um, yeah, well, it’s about nine months too late to be welcoming you home, Zeke.”
I look over at the pond, intent on standing my ground as much as possible as I watch a few people walk by.
“Shit, I know. I’m sorry. I can’t …” He pauses before continuing. “I know nothing I say will make up for what I’ve done. I just, I have to try.”
“Why?” I retort and look over at him, wanting to see the truth in his eyes as he hopefully speaks it. “Why now, after so long?”
He blows out a breath as he stares straight at me. “Christ, you’re beautiful.”
I hold up my hand, when what I really want to do is smack him with it.
“Answer the question.”
He slumps back against the bench seat and looks at the ground for a moment before returning his gaze to mine.
“Mom, well, she sent me some photos a few weeks ago of Rose.”
A smile tugs at the corner of his lips—lips that I dreamed about for months while I was growing his baby inside me. “Nice name, by the way. She’s …” His voice softens. “She’s absolutely gorgeous, Liv.”
The sincerity and reverence in his voice ring true enough to have my heart picking up speed uncomfortably in my chest.
He’s seen her? Linda sent him pictures?
“Hang on. She sent them weeks ago, and you’re just showing up now?”
He clears his throat a little while scratching at that ever-present dirty blond stubble that resides over his chiseled jaw. “Yeah, look, I dunno what to say really.” He claps his hands together. “I had a job, Liv. Hell, as much as it pains me to admit it, I had a life. I had to tie everything up. I couldn’t just …” I see his eyes widen as he stops there.
“Couldn’t just take off? Like you did when you left here?” I laugh without humor. “Well, kudos for acting like a grown man this time, but I’m sorry, I really can’t sympathize. I have the same god damn number, Zeke. A little warning would’ve been nice, just while we’re on the subject.”
He starts to talk, but I cut him off with a wave of my hand. “I rebuilt a life from the fucking mess you left me in, do you know that?” I glare at him.
He nods before smirking and shuffling his feet a little. “Oh yeah, I know that. How long was I gone exactly before you managed that?”
Oh, my God, I really do want to slap him, maybe try to give him a matching bruise to go with the one already coloring his jaw. My hand is actually itching with the urge. Suddenly, Millie’s request doesn’t seem all that out of the question.
But I didn’t come here for this. I grab my purse from my lap and go to stand.
“Wait, no, fuck.” He holds his hand out.
“No, Zeke. I’ve had enough of waiting for you. I gave that shit up months ago.” I stand and right my dress, taking all of one step when I suddenly feel his hand wrapped around mine. My stomach flips at the feel of it after all this time—the familiarity of his touch—until I snatch my hand back and spin on my foot to glare at him.
“Please don’t touch me,” I hiss brokenly.
He raises his hands in the air then shoves them through his hair as his eyes plead with mine.
Shit, I can feel myself losing it. I look away, noticing a few of the people milling around the pond are now looking our way. Lovely.
The whole town will know about this little meet and greet by dinnertime.
“Liv, please.” I see him move back toward the bench. “Sit. I promise I’ll keep my mouth shut. I know I have no business taking stabs at you like that.”
I sit down before I even know what I’m doing. Ugh, now I feel the need to slap myself. I feel like I’m on high alert, trying to make sure I don’t falter. I knew this would be hard, but it’s damn near impossible. I just want to run home and forget he even came back.
Suck it up, Olive.
I square my shoulders and look at him once more. “You’re damn right you have no business doing that. I did nothing wrong besides try to move on and live my life. I’m assuming you did the same thing wherever you ended up.” I’m not fessing up about my stalking skills. Nope. Let him open his trap and spill his dirty confessions himself.
He winces, and my chest squeezes painfully in response. Why do I get the feeling that the Facebook status, where he was tagged at the movies with that woman, was just one of many?
That hurts more than I expected it would.
What an asshole.
“I’m not gonna lie about any of it, Liv. Even though I probably should.”
I stop him there. “I don’t want to know. It’s … That’s not why we’re here, is it?”
He shakes his head. “No, I just needed to see you. To try to explain.”
I wait and wave my hand around when he stays silent. “Go on then. Let’s hear it.”
He leans forward, leaning his elbows on his knees as he stares back over at the pond. “I don’t have an excuse. I just wasn’t ready; I didn’t want kids, Liv, you knew that.”
Call me a bitch, but I’ve had enough of hearing the same damn thing. It doesn’t change the fact that he has one now. So I don’t respond and wait for him to elaborate.
“That’s it?” I ask with a brow raised when he stays silent.
“Uh, yeah. And you were right, you know.” He looks over at me. “With what you said. I basically threw an adult-sized tantrum over it. But it was more than that. It’s hard to explain, other than I just panicked. I didn’t know what to do. I was so mad at you, at the way I thought my life would turn out. Fuck, I was fucking terrified.”
“Me?” I ask.
“Yeah, you didn’t even consider other options. I knew how you felt about not having her; I get it—especially after seeing the pictures. I just didn’t get it then. I guess it was different for me.” He shrugs.
He fucking shrugs.
I’m not apologizing for anything, and he knows it as he doesn’t wait me to before he jumps back in.
“What I’m saying is I made a dumb decision that’s potentially fucked up my future with the love of my life. A future that I was scared shitless of when I saw what road we were heading down. But now … even though I know it’s probably too late, I can’t imagine not having.”
I watch his throat as he swallows then turn my gaze back to the pond, suddenly lost in a sea of what-ifs.
His words send my stomach and mind turning. What if he stayed? What if he came back sooner? Would things even be any different? It’s hard to know for sure. Because the second Seb walked into my life, the gray clouds that rolled in after Zeke’s exit slowly dissipated. I can admit that if Zeke came back sooner, things might have been different. But Seb’s presence is hard to ignore. Especially when something inside him seems to call to me with a quiet desperation I’ve never experienced or felt before. Not even with the man sitting beside me, who I loved fiercely.
Loved. Huh.
“I don’t know what to tell you, Zeke. Other than what you already know.” I shrug and glance back over at him. “I can’t give you what you want. But I’m not going to stop you from getting to know your daughter. If you’re even planning on staying and if that’s what you want.”
He nods as if he expected me to say that.
“Of course. I want that more than anything. When do you think I could meet her?”
I concentrate on breathing for a second as thoughts of him meeting Rose for the first time start to set my emotions rioting with one another.
“Um, I’m not sure. Can I text you? Where are you even staying?” I stand again, deciding this meet up has taken enough of an emotional toll for one day.
“My mom’s, and of course you can.” He smirks up at me. “Talk soon, Liv.” His smirk turns into one of his signature crooked grins that completely throws me off guard, so I don’t say a word. I just turn around and start the walk back through the park.
Jesus, the guy doesn’t know when to quit. I shake my head and almost laugh because he really hasn’t changed. Not one little bit. I don’t know whether that makes me extremely nervous or a little disappointed.