I should’ve let her go.
I’d known that when she was leaving.
I’d thought it every minute since I’d stopped her.
But I hadn’t been able to.
I’d already been through Lily leaving. Watching Jessica walk away felt wrong in an indescribable, irrational way. It had since the night she’d come for her knife.
And with each day that feeling grew. Until tonight.
It’d felt like a weight was on my chest, crushing me as I watched her leave.
And now, it didn’t matter that I was staring right at it, I was so distracted by Jessica that I was barely able to focus on the bar. Dare could’ve come and gone and I wouldn’t have known.
Fuck. Lily could’ve, and I doubted I would’ve noticed.
“What would make you stop?” she suddenly asked from where she sat next to me, her crossed legs stretched over my lap.
I tilted my head in her direction but didn’t take my eyes off the bar.
“Your list. What would make you not want to complete it?”
“Nothing,” I said immediately then went back to rolling one of my mini blades along my knuckles.
She was silent for a while. When she spoke, her voice was so soft I had to lean closer to her to hear her in the loud bar. “What if you found someone else . . .”
I dragged my eyes to hers and repeated, “Nothing.”
She nodded and looked away, and after a few seconds, I went back to watching the bar while remaining exceedingly aware of the girl next to me.
Every breath she took.
Every slight move of her body.
The way she squeezed her legs together and bit back a smile whenever I dropped the knife to spin the point along her thigh.
My hand shot out and grabbed Jessica’s wrist when she dropped her legs from my lap and stood, my stare going to her patient expression. “Where are you going?”
“To get a drink. Do you want one?”
“I don’t drink.”
She rolled her eyes. “Water. I’m getting water. After what I’ve seen my entire life, you think I’d touch anything else? I don’t want to be like my mom. I’m crazy enough.”
“You’re not crazy.”
One of her eyebrows lifted as she smirked.
When I released her, she turned and wove through the crowded place toward the bar.
Wrong. Even this felt wrong. Like there was something stirring in my blood, trying to force me to move. To follow her.
I’d walked away from Lily for years despite her begging me to stay. Not once had I looked back. Not once had I felt as uncomfortable as watching Jessica walk to the goddamn bar.
It didn’t make sense.
Neither did the peace that swept through me when she was next to me.
My body tensed when she went directly for Dare’s sister instead of one of the other bartenders, but my worries quickly slipped from my mind when she lifted up on her toes to lean over the bar as the girls spoke.
She looked like she had in my bathroom earlier.
It had taken every ounce of self-control then, and it was taking just as much now, not to go over there and show her what she was doing to me.
“Because I’ve never wanted to give up control as much as I do with you.”
Damn if those words hadn’t been playing through my mind all day. Teasing me with every arresting, unhindered laugh that tumbled from her lips. Tormenting me every time her mouth brushed against mine.
I wanted her.
I wanted her to give up control. To make her come undone.
But as soon as those thoughts entered my head, flashes of that dazed, empty look in her eyes from last night filtered in, crushing anything I’d been thinking of. Wanting.
I was on my feet and had a knife in each hand when Jessica settled back on her heels, her ass falling into a guy’s hand who’d come up behind her.
He leaned closer to whisper in her ear, and I was already stalking toward them. Not caring that I couldn’t be seen by anyone on Dare’s crew without giving myself away.
But halfway there, the guy fell to his knees. His twisted hand still raised up in Jessica’s as she stared down at him with a wicked smile.
A mixture of pride and awe ripped through me.
Jesus Christ, that girl . . .
When she released him, she lifted her head, her eyes catching on mine for the half a second it took for her to turn to the bar again.
But I’d seen the look in her eyes. The disgust and hatred.
Only I had a feeling the disgust wasn’t with the guy now scrambling to disappear into the crowd. And I was hit with the inane urge to make that feeling go away.
“What if you found someone else . . .”
I shook my head, trying to get her words out of my head. Her damn what ifs.
I slowly moved toward the booth I occupied every night, needing space and not wanting to crowd her after what happened. And waited for her to come back.
But the girl who sauntered to the booth with two waters wasn’t the same one I came into the bar with.
Before she could even sit down, I growled, “Don’t.”
“Aww. You mad because someone touched me?” A wild laugh spilled from her lips. “Baby, I’m not yours to get mad over.”
I slowly looked at her when she sat next to me and distantly noticed the excitement in her eyes when she saw my frustration. “Don’t be her. Not now, Jessica.”
She cocked her head, her mouth pulling into an amused smirk. “I’m starting to think you’re like Jentry. Do I embarrass you? Does my crazy bother you, Nightshade?”
I leaned into her fast, pinning her to the booth, and was surprised when she didn’t show an ounce of fear or surprise. “You’re not fucking crazy,” I hissed. “But this isn’t you, and I don’t have time for anyone who isn’t you. Especially when you’re only like this to push me and piss me off.”
“Ticking time bomb. Just like Jentry.”
“I’m nothing like your brother.”
Her eager stare fell to where my mouth was curled in anger. Hers widened in response when I began shaking. “I wouldn’t be so sure about that. He gets mad. He’s violent. He can’t control it.”
My breathing slowed.
My hands dug into the top of the booth.
My eyes locked on a spot next to her head as I tried to force myself back, but I couldn’t move.
One of her hands gently moved to secure my hair. When she spoke, that taunting, mischievous girl was gone.
Her lips brushed my ear when she whispered, “What if I was made for you and you were made for me?”
A breath ripped from my lungs.
Fucking chaos.
“What if I leave and never come back, because I know you’re going to ruin your life with this list?”
My chest heaved as I sucked in breath after breath, but still I didn’t move. Couldn’t.
“You’ll never be able to find me if I don’t want you to.”
“Jessica, I . . .” I finally pulled back to look at her. “You don’t know what you’re saying. You don’t know what I lost. And . . . fuck.” I just met you.
The corner of her mouth lifted in a sad smile. Those ebony eyes were clear and pained, contradicting her next words. “Then it shouldn’t hurt to know that we’ll never find out.”
She tried to duck under my arm, but I quickly blocked her from leaving.
Let her go. Fucking let her go.
I knew I needed to. But I didn’t know how.
“Do you want to know why you’re really here, Kieran? It’s because you gave yourself a new assignment to help fill that emptiness inside,” she said, pressing her hand to my chest. “But you don’t need one. You just need to live. I told you, you’ve never seemed more alive than since she left. Don’t force yourself back into their mindless, murdering robot.”
“Jessica, you don’t understand.”
“I do,” she bit out. “Don’t you dare tell me I don’t understand what it feels like to lose something you’ve spent your entire life protecting.”
Her chest rose and fell in rough jerks as we stared at each other.
As I tried to figure out what she’d lost. Who.
Before I could ask, she spoke. Her voice was soft and shaky. “You say you don’t have time for anyone who isn’t me.” Leaning forward, she pressed her cheek to mine to whisper in my ear. “What if I won’t wait around for you to stop living and breathing for someone else?”
“What if I was made for you and you were made for me?”
“Then it shouldn’t hurt to know that we’ll never find out.”
Funny. It shouldn’t.
But it did.
I wrapped my arm around her waist, pulling her tighter against me when she started to leave again.
Trailing my nose along her jaw, I lifted my mouth to hers. “Fucking chaos.”
Her lips twitched into a smile against the kiss.
“Nothing about you makes sense. Nothing about this does.”
I’d spent my life loving one girl. Yet within days, this girl came in and turned everything I knew upside down.
She made me want things I knew I shouldn’t.
She had me pushing boundaries I’d never considered touching with Lily.
She could make me forget.
“Maybe because I’m right,” she said against my lips.
Maybe there was something inside her that called to me.
That darkness buried deep inside both of us that reacted to the other’s. Challenged and withdrew. That overpowering connection that made me feel closer to her than anyone before.
I edged back, my eyes searching hers.
And I wondered if she was right.
If this unpredictable girl had been made for me.
But it was too soon. It hadn’t even been a week since I met her. I was still trying to sort through the chaos she’d created inside me.
She was my every weakness and everything I hated.
My need to devour her was just as strong as my need to reveal what she was hiding.
And I needed to complete this list. But letting her go?
“It doesn’t change anything.” When hurt flashed through her eyes, I pressed my forehead to hers. “I’m living and breathing for me, Jessica, but this is something I have to do. But I have an indescribable need to keep you near me.”
“Why? Afraid your wallet will go missing again?”
The corner of my mouth twitched before falling. “Because your chaos calms me and frustrates me. And I crave it.”
Her lips parted with her exhale. Her hands fisted in my shirt, but didn’t push me away or pull me closer.
“If I left, would you come with me?”
She kept her grip firm, but moved her head away from mine in an attempt to stare me down. Her voice still wavered when she asked, “If we left, would you come back?”
I nodded. “Tomorrow and the next day. I have a job.”
Her shoulders sagged, and her hands fell from my shirt.
After a longing look, she pushed against my arm until I dropped it and left without another word.
Let her go.
I hadn’t realized she’d been caged in my arms until she disappeared into the crowd.
No darkness.
Just us.
“What if I was made for you and you were made for me?”
I hurried after her, weaving through the packed bodies and out the door seconds after her.
I gripped her arm to pull her back toward the building before she could cross the street, my tone sharp when I said, “You knew who I was. You knew what I was. You’re going to say all the shit you did in there and then pull something like that because you’re reminded of who I am?”
Like Lily would’ve . . .
Always holding the job over me.
“Of course, I know what you are,” she said through gritted teeth. “I’ve known longer than I’ve known you. But I know you now. And you told me that you never wanted to be used for anything, and you’re still letting them control you and use you.”
“It’s who I am.” I released her arm and took a step away. “Just because I don’t want to be this doesn’t mean I’m not this. Don’t hold it over me. Don’t make what I do be what ends this.”
“It’s not who you are or what you do.” She flung her arm out toward the bar and cried, “It’s this job. It’s going to destroy you, and you can’t see that.”
“Jessica . . .” I watched her helplessly as her eyes filled with tears that never fell. “What . . . what do you know that I don’t?”
“Nothing,” she said immediately. “I can just see it in a way you can’t.”
I needed to figure out if she was keeping something from me. If there actually was something she knew that I didn’t.
But everything I came up with seemed impossible.
“This has gone past losing Lily,” I said, my tone grave. “This is retribution for betrayals.”
A soft laugh fell from her mouth. Her eyes rolled as she turned to look away. “I won’t be here for it.”
That weight suddenly dropped on my chest. The same feeling that everything was suddenly wrong pulled at me.
And she was still standing right in front of me.
Maybe because I believed her. If she left now, she’d make it impossible for me to find her again.
“Don’t.” The word was out of my mouth the instant she took a step to leave.
She rocked back, her body bowing.
“Stay.”
She looked over her shoulder, her expression void of any emotion. After an eternity of waiting, she gave a subtle nod. “Tonight.”
Then I planned to use the rest of the night to give her every reason to stay tomorrow.