I was sitting against the headboard when I heard the front door shut.
That was my first clue that whoever was coming to see me wasn’t the person I wanted to see.
I stopped playing with the ends of my hair as I listened to the heavy footfalls coming down the wooden hall.
It didn’t sound like a charging bull, so I had a sinking feeling it wasn’t Conor.
With a steadying breath, I lifted my eyes and found the mob boss leaning against the doorframe, heated eyes on me.
“Where’s my mom?”
He smiled brightly. “Conor said that’s all you’ve asked for.”
I shrugged. “It’s all I want.”
He stepped into the room, his ice-blue eyes raking over me as he did. “Then why don’t you bring her here?”
A breath of a laugh fell from my lips. I opened my mouth to ask how, but quickly shut it.
It felt too simple. It felt like a trap.
“What?” he asked. “Suddenly not so anxious to see her?” He rolled up his shirtsleeves, checking his watch as he did. “You have less than an hour before they give her a new, higher dose.”
It felt like my entire being crumbled.
“It’s up to you how long this goes on.”
My lip curled in disdain. “I—”
“Unless you’re about to tell me you belong to me, I wouldn’t finish that,” he said quickly.
My chest rose and fell with rough jerks as I stared him down.
“If you want your mom brought here today, do what I say.” His voice was low and commanding. Sensual. Evil.
It made my skin crawl.
I knew what he wanted from me . . . what he was going to say. And it made me want to scream.
I couldn’t imagine him touching me. Couldn’t stomach the thought of him inside me.
No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t think of him as a client. I’d chosen each of them, not the other way around.
And I hadn’t been with any of them since Kieran.
But for Momma . . . everything I’d ever done had been to keep us alive and to keep her safe.
For those moments of lucidity . . .
When she made me pancakes, no matter how rare the occasion. When she remembered my birthday. When she held me all night because I’d had a nightmare that my dad found us.
For those moments of helplessness . . .
“Jess, save me. Jess, the dark. I can’t get away from it. It’s coming for me, Jess. It’s coming.”
“Don’t let him ruin you. Run, Jess, and don’t let him ruin you.”
I knew to get her back I would do anything.
“Good girl,” he said with a wicked grin.
My stomach churned and lurched.
“Stay just like that,” he said as he took off his belt and undid his pants. “Bend your knees and spread your legs.”
I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.
You sick fuck.
I stared at him for a few seconds, my chest heaving, before I did as he commanded.
“Remove those.”
Forcing my stare to the hallway just behind him, I lifted my hips from the bed and worked off my lace underwear.
“Legs spread,” he said darkly when I automatically closed them.
I ground my jaw and obeyed.
He tossed two phones and a wallet on the edge of the bed, and then the sound of his zipper sliding down filled the room.
I didn’t look.
“Touch yourself.”
My heart felt like it cracked in half when I did.
Because this was something I’d done countless times before. And it was something I would choose every time over having any part of him touching me.
But this was also something I’d done for Kieran.
This was something we’d done together.
And Mickey was tainting it.
I cringed when I heard him moan and swallowed the bile climbing up my throat.
Clearing my mind of what I was doing and the noises he was making, I repeated the words I’d told myself hundreds of times over the years, trying to make myself believe this was just another session, and he was just another client.
Lean back.
Drop your head.
Push your chest out.
Exhale slowly and shut your eyes.
Don’t show them that the pretty face they’re paying for isn’t real.
She died long ago.
Go somewhere far from here, somewhere you can anchor yourself to the last glimmer of happiness in your life.
Happiness.
That word would never touch my life again. Happiness wasn’t meant for girls like me.
Girls like me grasped the only thing we could find that kept us alive.
And for me? That was this. These moments that slowly killed me a little at a time.
My own vicious circle.
One I would continue to live until I died.
My full lips twitched into a wicked grin. A laugh tumbled from my mouth. The sound low and throaty, hinting at the madness within.
The laugh turned into a sharp gasp when my ankles were unexpectedly grabbed, and I was yanked away from the headboard. My eyes popped open to find Mickey above me, his cruel grin as foreboding as it was frightening.
“Did I forget to tell you?” He forced me onto my stomach, his strong arms pinning me down when I instinctively tried to turn over. “The doctor called this morning.”
A chill swept through me, stealing my breath and weakening my muscles as every crippling nightmare devoured me.