“Jess?”
Beck didn’t seem to care about the knife sticking out from the doorframe at eye level, less than an inch from where he stood. All he could do was stare at me with a look like I’d hurt him . . . worse than ever before.
A part of me ached, knowing I’d hurt him. He’d been the only constant person in my life besides Momma.
The only person who had cared. Even if for a little while.
But at the same time, he’d wrecked everything by not seeing anything.
The line between wanting to apologize for his hurt and not caring at all drifted back and forth until I wasn’t sure which was greater.
At least Kieran had enough sense to move his hand higher on my stomach before Beck had opened the door.
Beck finally blinked to look away from me, but his wounded expression turned to anger as he set his glare on Kieran. “Need to talk to you.”
“Not a good time.”
“I can fucking see that,” Beck growled. “Still need to talk to you.”
Kieran only gripped me tighter. “She’s not leaving.”
Beck rocked back a step, as if Kieran’s claim had just shaken his world. His hands fisted and unfurled over and over again before he stepped into the room and slammed the door behind him. “Fine.”
He charged into the room like a bull, his eyes on the floor and his chest heaving as he headed in the direction of the closest surface that wasn’t the bed.
The dresser.
We hadn’t cleaned that.
I made a soft noise of protest, but Kieran curled his fingers against my stomach to stop me.
The touch was gentle and possessive. Seductive and commanding.
It made my belly flood with heat and my knees weaken.
“Don’t sit there,” Kieran warned in a low tone.
Beck stopped just before he sat down, his face burning red as he straightened with a painful slowness.
With a pleading look at me and a murderous glare at Kieran, he asked, “Where can I sit?”
Kieran’s hand slid to my waist to pull me toward the bed, out of Beck’s way, and nodded toward the chair in the corner of the room.
When Beck passed by, I heard him breathe, “Fuck you.”
Kieran nodded, taking the insult, but didn’t say a word. “What’s going on?”
Beck ran his hands over his beard a few times before he ground out, “Conor’s losing it. He’s scared. It’s wearing on him. We’ve gotta find the guy Mickey hired.”
“I’ve been looking.”
Beck flung his hand out to gesture to me. “Clearly not hard enough if you have time for this. My brother might die, and you’ve been here, fucking the girl I—” He curled his hand into a fist and blew out a rough breath.
Kieran simply repeated, “I’ve been looking.”
Beck laughed sadly. “How do I know that?”
Kieran looked at me for a few seconds, like he was deciding whether or not to say what he was thinking, then blew out a harsh breath. “The guy is a ghost. You know that. There’s never anyone with Mickey at the office in Raleigh. There’s never anyone with him here. I’ve gone through his computers and phone almost every day. I’ve found nothing.”
“Look harder.” Beck’s plea sounded like a mixture of a demand and a challenge. “I told you who to look for.”
“That was yesterday, I haven’t had time since then. If you’ve forgotten, I’m being watched. We all are.”
Beck cracked a cruel grin at Kieran’s reminder. “Hard to forget.”
“I can’t do much more when he knows nearly every move I make. Even with nothing on me, he’s still sure I’m the one who fed information to the Borellos.”
“You were,” Beck hissed, nearly launching from the chair. “We were. And we fucked up. Having everyone followed is a front. He’s already pinned us, he’s just waiting until he has his information. But he’s going to kill Conor either way if we don’t fucking do something.”
“There’s no information for him to get, Beck.”
“You sure about that?” he yelled. “If you would’ve been here instead of trying to keep your cover so damn bad, we would’ve finished things the way we were supposed to. We wouldn’t be going through this shit, and you wouldn’t have lost Lily to the fucking mafia.”
Kieran’s arms dropped to rest at his sides. His fingers were moving slowly, the way he usually rolled his blades between his fingers. I realized he was calming himself when his next words came out low and even, compared to Beck’s outraged tone. “I’m going to find him.”
Beck huffed and sat back in his chair. “For the first time in my life, I’m having a hard time believing you.” His eyes dragged to me, and in them I saw both pain and defeat.
Then something like a challenge flashed across his face so fast I almost missed it. I didn’t understand what it meant, but somehow, something in me knew that it meant everything terrible. And it made me feel hot and cold all at once.
No. No, he can’t . . .
Kieran sighed and started to speak, but Beck quickly said, “Jess should do it.” He cocked his head to look at Kieran. “She’s not being watched. I know better than anyone how easily she can get in and out of places without being seen. She should follow Mickey and find the ghost.”
No.
Beck’s wrecked stare met me again. And again, there was that challenge. “Jess?”
The thought of going anywhere near that man made me lightheaded. Made a rock settle in my stomach.
The room suddenly changed. Shifted. It felt cold, like Death himself was standing in the corner.
Or beside me.
Deep down, I could feel something in me responding to it. That crazed need bubbling up inside.
Make it go away.
My gaze shifted to where Kieran was holding himself unnaturally still. By the time I realized he wasn’t breathing, a consuming laugh was shaking my body and falling from my lips. Almost completely silent.
Make it go away.
“Someone’s about to go boom,” I whispered, and felt my lips stretch into a wide, teasing grin.
Kieran’s hand shot out to grip my shoulder. The touch was pleading and soothing despite how he was now trembling.
“Don’t,” he begged in a low, grating tone.
“How’s that darkness feel, Nightshade?” I whispered, swaying lightly as I bit back another round of laughter. “How’s it taste?”
Kieran’s hand moved at an achingly slow pace from my shoulder to the base of my throat then higher until he was cradling my jaw and his thumb was brushing over my mouth.
Make it go away.
I looked up into his piercing green eyes when he echoed, “Don’t.”
I’d never felt closer to death.
I’d never felt more alive.
This had to be what it felt like to be high.
This had to be what it felt like to have that rush flood your veins until you were overwhelmed with it.
No wonder people sold their souls to experience it again and again.
I would give everything to have this forever.
Weak.
His hand slid to my chest until only the tips of his lethal fingers were brushing against me, and then his touch was gone.
My body sagged from the loss of his touch. From my revelation.
It felt like a dark, disgusting weight had vanished.
At least for now.
Beck looked back and forth between us before staring at a spot on the bed, his face twisted in anger and pain.
“She’s not following Mickey anywhere,” Kieran finally answered.
Beck didn’t respond in any way, he only continued to stare as silence engulfed us. After another minute, he gave his head a hard shake and shot from the chair. With only a devastating look aimed at me, he left the room, the door softly clicking shut behind him.
I wished he’d slammed it.
I wouldn’t be warring with the part of me that felt like I owed him an apology when I owed him nothing.
Kieran exhaled roughly and let his head fall to run his hands over his hair.
“I can’t follow Mickey.”
He twisted his neck to look at me, his brow pulled low. “Not that I want you to. Not that I think I could stop you if you decided to. But, why?”
My arms curled around my stomach as it clenched and rolled. “I just can’t.”
Suspicion flared in his pale eyes as he studied every movement I made. Every movement I couldn’t stop no matter how much I wanted to.
I wanted to be strong.
I wanted to be invincible.
I didn’t know how after the fallout we’d narrowly escaped.
“There’s a guy . . .” I began, bile rising in my throat.
“Client?” he bit out.
“No,” I replied automatically, adamantly. Then curled in on myself. “Not exactly.”
Kieran straightened his body and turned to face me, his arms folded over his chest. With his lean, sculpted muscles and murderous expression, he looked every inch of the assassin he was.
I swallowed thickly and let the dirty confession tumble from my lips. “He thinks he owns me.”
“Does he?” he demanded, his voice sharp enough to cut through the tension forming between us.
“I belong to no man,” I hissed, gritting my teeth.
“Then why—?”
“Because he has ways of controlling me. But it goes beyond that,” I hurried to explain when he started to question me again. “He thinks I’m his. He stalks me. He threatens me when he catches me working. Just because I’m not being watched by your person doesn’t mean I’m not being watched. If I follow Mickey, someone will know.”
If Kieran could unleash hell on earth, he might have done it in that moment.
“Who is he?”
“The guy who follows me? I don’t know his name.” When Kieran’s jaw popped, I echoed, “I don’t know his name.”
He nodded with a sharp jerk of his head then asked, “He knows you’re here?”
Yes. “Most likely.”
“What would he do if he knew?”
“About us?”
Kieran’s head dipped, this time slower.
I thought of the way I’d kissed the man standing in front of me.
The way I’d let him touch me.
The way he’d felt inside me.
It felt like someone grabbed my heart and squeezed. The pain was so intense it stole my next breaths.
Make it go away.
“He’d be furious,” I said through the pain.
“Then how do I find him?”
I could see it. Kieran was already thinking of every way to kill a man he didn’t have a name for.
“You can’t; he won’t let you.”
A cruel grin tugged at Kieran’s mouth. “Wanna bet?”
A dry laugh forced from my chest. Yes, I did.
And I wanted to bet on Kieran.
But I was already playing such a dangerous game.
I already had so many lives at the tips of my fingers.
Kieran’s arm suddenly snaked around my waist and his mouth molded to mine. He crawled on the bed and onto me, leaning me back and pressing his body to mine in all the ways that made me forget about the horrors in my mind.
As for his . . .
Three . . .
Two . . .
One . . .
His body started to vibrate as that monster inside began taking over, but he simply slid me up the bed like I weighed nothing and curled his body around mine.
“Tell me,” he begged gently as his lips ghosted along my shoulder. “Tell me and I’ll find a way to put an end to it.”
Make it go away.
Please . . .
I burrowed deeper against his chest, hoping he wouldn’t be able to see the longing and fear in my eyes.
You can’t.