Jessica and I fell asleep not long after Beck left. And when I woke, she was gone.
I tried not to think of where my body automatically wanted to take me. Tried not to think of the name that had been the fourth on my list for so long. Tried not to think of why Jessica was gone after all the shit she told me.
Tried not to think that she was never coming back.
She went to check on her mom.
I told myself that dozens of times already. But I felt it in my bones . . . I was an idiot if I honestly believed that was the only reason she left.
I never thought I’d have to worry about the girl who could pull a knife on me. But I saw her fear when she’d told me about the man who claimed to own her. I saw the way she’d tried to hold herself together when she looked like she was so close to breaking.
Like she had at The Jack.
If she was scared, I needed to find this guy and put an end to his tormenting and fucked-up thinking.
I hated that I wanted to make him a priority and that Jessica could have so much hold over me in such a short time. As much as she’d come to mean to me, as much as I craved her, there were still those times where I felt like letting myself want her was stepping into a trap.
Not that I could get myself to heed my own warnings or slow down with her.
She was everything I hated.
And I’d never wanted anyone the way I wanted her.
I wanted the dark that matched mine.
I wanted the chaos.
I wanted the way she calmed under my touch.
I wanted all of it.
I ran through the new list as I slipped from shadow to shadow, and forced myself to think clearly.
Nameless man. Ghost. Mickey.
No. Fuck.
Ghost. Nameless man. Mickey.
I ran my hands over my face and let loose a growl of frustration.
Ghost. Mickey. Nameless man.
I ran through those names again and again, my frustration building each time over the fact that I didn’t have concrete names for two of them. That I didn’t have faces for them.
Sliding the blade I’d absentmindedly been playing with into my pants, I forced the frustration away for now and took a calming breath as I rounded the corner to where Beck was dealing.
The second he saw me, his hands tightened into fists.
I’d seen him in action long ago. He was unbeatable with those fists. They’d kept him and Conor alive before Holloway. I was also positive this would hurt.
“Fuck you,” he spat, his voice low but still loud enough for me to hear.
“Beck . . .”
“Fuck you.”
Once I was within reaching distance from him, he swung and let loose a frustrated yell when I leaned out of his reach.
“Let me hit you, you fuck,” he yelled and swung again.
I knew I deserved it, but it was instinct to dodge.
“Do you know I’ve never hated you as much as I did today? Not when Aric died because you weren’t fast enough. Not when I found out you left for a job and Conor almost died. Not when you let Dare take Lily.”
I ground my jaw with each memory he ticked off. Like he’d been saving them for something just like this.
“You’re going to yell at me?” I seethed. “You’re going to hate me? You wanted her to follow Mickey. Mickey. What if he caught her?”
Beck drove his hands through his hair. “I never wanted her to follow Mickey. Jesus fuck. I . . . fuck,” he yelled. “You were standing there holding the only girl I’ve ever loved. You had her in your room, and she was in your clothes. After everything that happened to Lily, I never thought you’d be with someone again. And then you chose Jess? Of all people, you chose Jess?”
I blew out a ragged breath and dragged my hands over my face. “Beck.”
“I was hoping. God, I was hoping it was a mistake. Or maybe you’d”—his face twisted in agony—“bought her for an hour or a day,” he whispered, sounding sick. When a growl sounded in my chest, he huffed sadly. “Yeah, I already know that wasn’t it.”
“I don’t see her that way.”
“I don’t want you to see her at all,” he yelled. “I was hoping if I suggested she do what you haven’t been, you’d let her go, and I’d be able to pull the knife out of my back so I could finally take a goddamn breath.”
I looked at him helplessly as his shoulders sagged. “I’m sorry, Beck. I’m fucking sorry. I don’t know what more I can say.”
“You can start by not stealing the last girl who means something to me on this earth. Lily was my best friend, and I lost her because you weren’t around to fix your relationship. I know what we were doing was important, but she should’ve been more important to you. She was more important to me,” he said, beating his hand on his chest. “And Jess?” A harsh laugh burst from him, and he turned, taking a few steps away.
“You told me you wanted nothing to do with her,” I said. “You told me she wanted nothing to do with you.”
He rounded on me, quickly eating the distance between us. “I want nothing to do with her because I’m so in love with her I can’t see straight when she’s there. And it kills me that she chose that goddamn life instead of what I want to give her.” He threw his hand out to the side, as if Jessica and her clients were all standing there. “I’ve watched her ruin herself because of what I am. Every day I have to see what I’ve done to her. I have to see how much she hates me. And the reminder that it’s my fault is thrown in my face. But given a chance, I would do it all again because it has kept her safe. She’s everything to me.”
My head shook slowly as guilt and pain tore me apart. “Beck. I don’t . . . I don’t know—”
“Save it. I think you’ve done enough.”
I wanted to tell him I needed her.
I wanted to tell him she fit me in a way nothing ever had or should.
I wanted to tell him I’d tried to keep Lily . . . and why I hadn’t been able to.
But anything I said then would have only made it worse.
I nodded and rocked back. “I’m sorry, man.”
I’d started to turn when he asked, “Is this how it felt?”
I tilted my head slowly. Silently telling him to continue. Silently warning him not to.
“When Dare stabbed you in the back. When he stole Lily from you. When you lost everything you’d lived and killed yourself for?” He rubbed at his chest and stumbled back a few steps until he was pressed against the wall of the building he dealt next to. “Is this how it felt?”
Dare had been a business partner and friend.
I’d spent my life loving a girl who I was never supposed to belong to before she’d fallen for him.
Beck and I had been best friends most of our lives.
He’d been in love with a girl who’d never belonged to him. Who’d rejected him. And then I met her.
We’d both ruined our souls for those girls by trying to survive in this life.
It all looked the same, and yet, nothing felt like it.
Didn’t change the fact that I’d ruined something between Beck and me.
“I’m sorry,” was all I said.
“Lily’s pregnant.”
The fuck . . .
Even with all I’d realized in the last week, it didn’t change that I’d spent my life thinking she was my future. It didn’t change that I’d spent years wondering when the day would come that she would tell me she was pregnant with my child.
Lily was no longer mine. I knew that. I felt it in my blood. But I wasn’t prepared for the shock and ache of hearing Lily was expecting someone else’s child.
I finally forced my stare from the ground to Beck, watching him lift his chin in defiance.
“I go see her every other week at the café. Saw her this morning.”
“Then you didn’t fucking lose her,” I said through clenched teeth, unable to hide my hurt or anger at his deception.
A harsh, mocking laugh left him. “Trust me. I lost her the same as you did. She has her new friends. Her new family.” One of his hands dropped to his stomach. “A little bump right here that she touches constantly. And I’ve never seen her happier.”
I wanted to remind him that she’d made her choice and he’d agreed to allow that choice. Agreed to leave her alone—the way every Holloway member had vowed to.
I should’ve known he’d go around it to see her just as I’d gone around it when I’d still planned to kill Dare.
“So, how about that?” he growled. “Does it feel like that?”
“I don’t know,” I said in a detached voice. “But that? I’d never do that shit to you.”
Without another word, I turned and disappeared into the shadows.