I didn’t bother having the cab take me to the Holloway estate.
With the time of night, I doubted he’d be there.
And if he wasn’t where I thought he was, I knew he’d be there soon.
Be here.
He told me he went to The Jack every night to watch and plan and wait for something that would only be his demise in the end. I’d left because he still intended to go.
Be here, I silently begged again.
I threw some cash into the front seat and stalked out of the cab, my stare on one thing.
The doors.
I needed to make it there.
And then I needed to make it to him.
Weak. So weak.
Head up.
Shoulders back.
Lips twist—
Damn it.
Even that felt impossible when I was so close to being near him again. And I hated that he’d done this to me. That he’d weakened me. That I needed to be near him to draw strength.
So damn weak.
I belong to no man.
He’ll ruin me.
I knew I needed to turn and run. I knew what waited beyond those doors was only temporary—knew we would more than likely end up in the same position as the night before: me begging, and him not giving an inch.
But I couldn’t stop myself from walking toward those doors. They were a beacon. And I hated that I needed the comfort they offered.
As soon as I was inside, I headed in the direction of the booth he sat in every night. Not caring when I bumped into people or shoved through them. I needed to get to him before I broke.
My stomach dropped when I finally stumbled to the darkened booth.
It was empty.
I wasn’t sure I’d make it until he got there . . .
For the first time in my life, there were so many unknowns. There were things I was no longer in control of—that had been ripped from my control.
I’d never felt so close to shattering.
And I didn’t know how to hold myself together.
I took a step forward before rocking back, my head shaking wildly as my eyes burned.
Just as I started to turn, a muscled arm wrapped firmly around me and pulled me close.
“Chaos.”
My chest heaved, but I prayed to any god listening that he would mistake it for anything other than my pain . . . my weakness.
Kieran pressed his nose against my head as he held me for seconds that lasted a blissful eternity, and seconds that would never be enough.
“Thought you were gone,” he rumbled as he began pulling me toward the booth.
“No,” I said quickly and dug my stilettos into the ground. “Take me away.”
When Kieran twisted my body to look at me, his face was hard, unreadable. “Don’t ask that of me.”
I didn’t know what was so wrong with those words, but I wanted to leave. “Anywhere,” I begged. “Anywhere but this bar, Kieran, please.”
His face softened, his eyes darting toward the bar in question before back to me. “Jessica . . .”
“Let it go,” I pleaded. “Let her go. Let me be enough that you don’t need this revenge anymore.”
He stared at me for so long that I was sure he was going to say no. I was sure he’d release me and walk past me toward his booth.
And with all that was happening, I couldn’t handle his rejection again.
But before I could step away from him, he dropped his mouth onto mine for a searing kiss, right in the middle of The Jack.
His tongue teased the seam of my lips, prodding and begging, and then torturing my own in a slow, seductive dance that left me breathless and wanting more—wanting everything.
He could’ve asked me to be his in that moment, and I would’ve said I already was.
Hooking his arm around my neck, he pulled us through the crowd and out the doors. As always, without touching a single person.
The walk to Holloway was fast.
Faster than the other nights.
I wanted more of his kiss. More of his possessive touch. But Kieran kept me tucked close to his side and hurried to the estate.
What normally took fifteen minutes took only ten.
Once we were in the mansion and in his room, he pushed me against the door, his lips and teeth grazing my neck as he ground his thick length against my butt.
I groaned and pressed back harder, needing to feel him.
Needing everything.
“What do you want?” he asked against my throat, giving a teasing bite.
My breaths were ragged and my voice nearly inaudible when I said, “You.”
“Do you trust me?”
I nodded and dropped my head back against his shoulder, whimpering when his strong hands gripped my breasts.
“Need you to say it, Jessica.”
“I trust you.”
No sooner were the words out than he had the knife out of my bra and the blade slicing through my shirt.
“I like this shirt, you dick.”
I felt his grin against my neck before he gave another playful bite and popped the knife through the front of my bra.
“You won’t need that either.”
I wanted to be mad. I wanted to yell at him.
But his mouth had moved to my shoulder and he was palming my breasts and tugging on my nipples. All while the knife remained open in his hand, the blade never once coming in contact with my skin.
I’d never been more turned on.
With a quick flick, the knife was embedded in the wall next to the door, and Kieran was pulling away.
I looked at the knife for a few seconds before turning to find him stripping out of his shirt, a heated look on his devastatingly handsome face.
“Still trust me?” he asked, his tone gruff.
“That wasn’t the trusting part?”
His mouth twitched into a smirk, like the idea amused him.
Without answering me, he walked through his room, shedding knives and blades and clothes, and rummaging through drawers. By the time he returned, he was in nothing but a pair of boxer briefs. All he had in his hand was a condom.
“You’ll have control, but we can’t do this your way.”
My brow pinched and my head tilted.
“You have to trust me,” he said earnestly.
“I do.”
That ugly part of me reared her head, screaming at me not to. Reminding me that he would ruin me. But I pretended not to hear her.
I looked at my jeans and heels. “Can I undress, or are you going to cut these off too?”
He took a step back, his eyes burning as he waited.
And those damn eyes never left mine as I slowly took off my shoes, my skin-tight jeans, and underwear.
With a challenging smirk on his face, he stepped forward and pulled me into his arms, twisting me at the last second so my back was to his chest.
I hadn’t minded.
Not in the last few days. Not a few minutes ago.
But now, with nearly nothing separating us, it was hard to feel anything other than that man’s heavy body and his hot breath.
It was hard to distinguish anything other than my mom’s boyfriends who had slipped into my room when I was little.
Kieran brushed my hair so it was hanging over one shoulder, and pressed his mouth to my ear. “Trust me.”
I felt him rid himself of his boxer briefs.
I heard him rip the foil.
And I was trying so hard to stay in that room.
With him.
I wanted to.
I needed to.
I was trying to trust him.
“Kieran.” My voice wavered when he gently pulled me onto the bed. His remained strong yet gentle.
“Trust me.”
He laid us down, curling his body around me as we had the last couple nights. But there was nothing else. We stayed like that for countless seconds while his lips slowly brushed along my shoulder.
Back and forth.
Back and forth.
And then they were on my neck. Slow and perfect. Soft and teasing.
My chest shook with a shuddering, chilling breath.
He’ll ruin you.
“You’re mine, whore.”
I forced my eyes open and stared straight ahead at my knife implanted in his wall.
I reached back to grip Kieran’s long hair, my body arching when his teeth grazed my neck. A moan sounded in my throat when his thick length pressed firmly against my butt.
The next breath that ripped from my chest was from the feel when I rocked against him . . . and the need to feel it again.
“You control what happens next,” he whispered against my skin. “I’ll stop if that’s what you tell me to do. Or I’ll keep kissing you and let you do the rest.”
I twisted my neck to capture his lips with mine, and moaned against the kiss when his length slid against where I ached for him.
Taking his hand in mine, I drifted it up my body to my breast as I continued to slide against him. My stomach heated as the friction created a knot so tight it felt like I would shatter.
And with Kieran holding me . . . I thought I might want to.
I reached back and grabbed his length, guiding him inside me and savoring his groan as he pushed deeper and deeper.
When I didn’t move again, Kieran pulled back from the kiss. “Jessica?”
“Touch me.”
His eyes darkened with want and need, and stayed locked on mine as he slowly moved his fingers over my waist and down my stomach to where I ached and trembled for him.
I nearly fell apart the second his fingers brushed my clit. My breathing became ragged and that ball in my belly grew so large and impossibly tight as his thick erection pumped in and out of me while I rode his fingers.
My mouth fell open with a soundless cry when I came, my body trembling and shuddering as that ball exploded and left me feeling like I was floating in the abyss for immeasurable seconds.
And Kieran was there to find me.
“Jessica,” he growled and dropped his head against mine. “Finish this before I do.”
A breath of a laugh tumbled from my lips, but I knew I needed to. And I was thankful he hadn’t tried to.
I pulled away from him, feeling the loss of him from my body like a physical ache.
With a secretive grin, I pushed on his hip until he lay flat on his back and slowly moved my leg over him so I was on my knees, straddling him. Facing away.
If he could give me this, I could give him what he needed too.
I glanced over my shoulder as the corner of my mouth lifted in a smirk, and sank down onto his length at an unhurried pace.
It was torture.
It was pure agony.
It was the best thing I’d ever felt.
I bit on my bottom lip, trying to hold back my whimpers. But a huff broke free when I was fully seated.
“Fuck,” he breathed, his voice strained.
I moved on him slowly, trying to get accustomed to the feel of him like this, and smiled at the groan that sounded behind me.
“Jessica.” My name was a warning and a challenge.
I sat up halfway and dropped back down, then did it again and again before leaning back. I planted my hands on his muscled stomach as I continued to roll my hips, a shocked cry ripping from my chest when he wrenched my head back by my hair so I was looking directly into his fierce eyes as he gave me complete control of this moment.
I never thought it could be like this. That I could be so overwhelmed by the feeling of a man inside me.
I never thought I’d want sex to last longer than it needed to. That I would relish it.
But I wanted this moment with Kieran to last forever. To be cherished and worshipped like this . . .
Not bought.
His eyes shut and his hand tightened in my hair. He tensed beneath my hands and his hips snapped up to meet my movements in those last seconds. A hissed curse slipped from his lips as a tremor rolled through his body.
When he opened his eyes, he used my hair to pull me back for a slow kiss. “Fucking chaos,” he whispered against my lips before pulling out of me and releasing his hold on me.
I collapsed on top of him, and for a long time we just lay there.
Not moving.
Not speaking.
There wasn’t anything to say.
I didn’t think a man like Kieran could give anyone control over any part of his life.
And he had surrendered control to me. For me.
I knew how significant that was. I knew what it must have meant for him. I needed to be in control of everything at all times. Leaving even one part of my life in someone else’s hands felt so wholly wrong my entire being had rebelled against the action.
I’d only done it once in my life, and it had been for someone I loved.
Wait . . . love?
Kieran curled an arm around my stomach when a shudder ran through me, and I prayed my soft inhale was too low for him to hear.
Because I hadn’t been able to explain my need for him earlier. The way I’d craved him. The way I’d felt like I’d crumble without him.
Now I wondered if I knew.
I wondered if it was possible for someone like me to fall in love. I wondered if I was. Or if I already had.
I never thought I’d love someone. I’d never wanted to.
But the feeling of rightness that swept through me at the thought of loving the assassin holding me both excited and terrified me.
But as terrifying as the thought of loving someone was, it didn’t compare to the terror of what would happen to Kieran for being the man that I’d fallen in love with.
Because there was a man who thought he owned me.
And he didn’t share.