Don’t stop.
Don’t stop.
I let my head slowly roll back to rest against the wall I was leaning on that evening and bit back a curse when the black SUV slowed to a stop ten feet away.
I forced a smirk as I took my time to walk to where the driver waited, facing straight ahead as he always did.
I almost laughed, but my stomach was churning.
Weak. So, so weak.
I grasped the rear passenger handle and lazily opened the door to climb inside with a taunt on my tongue.
But someone beat me to it.
“Miss me?”
My body stilled. The words caught in my throat . . . their weight suddenly too much.
I couldn’t swallow. I couldn’t speak. It felt difficult to breathe.
The man hidden in the shadow of the car leaned forward only enough to beckon me with one strong finger.
Run, Jess. Run.
Weak. You’re so damn weak.
Head up.
Shoulders back.
Lips twisted.
Eyes laughing.
“Well, well, well . . . look who’s finally showing his face.” I cocked my head to the side and leaned against the door. “And what exactly is it I can help you with this evening?”
“Get in.” His tone was commanding and left no room for discussion, but then again, I’d never cared for authority.
I pretended to think about it for a second then lifted a shoulder. “You didn’t even say please. I tend to like it when guys beg.” I turned to leave but jerked to a stop when he suddenly latched on to my wrist.
He pulled me toward him slowly, giving me a glimpse of a man who exuded evil. A man I hated.
Crisp suit—not that I expected anything less.
Hair a mixture of blond and gray—mostly the latter.
Early forties and undeniably handsome—not that I’d admit to that.
His presence boasted power and money—but I’d never been attracted to either.
Danger on the other hand . . .
Tortured green eyes and long, dirty-blond hair flashed through my mind, making my chest ache before I could force all thoughts of him away.
The ice-blue eyes of the man in front of me seemed to dance with amusement, but his brow was set in frustration and his voice had an edge to it when he said, “Walk away from me again and I’ll enjoy making you beg. Understood?”
I curled my lip. “Grab me again, and the only thing you’ll be begging for is your life. Understood?”
He shot me a blinding smile as he released me. “Get in. Please.”
I sighed for his benefit as I climbed into the SUV but stayed pressed up against the door with my hand on the handle once seated.
Nearly a minute passed in silence before I finally spoke. “And to what do I owe this unexpected and unwelcome pleasure?”
His eyes narrowed, but he simply said, “I’m here to make you an offer you can’t refuse.”
A sharp laugh burst from my chest. “Is that right? I seem to remember you saying something eerily similar before. And I’ve never regretted anything in my life more.”
“You would have nothing to regret if you’d do your job.”
“I’ve done my job,” I said through clenched teeth. “There’s nothing. You’re paranoid and that’s not my goddamn fault.”
“But have you really tried?”
“I’ve searched every inch of that room. I’ve done everything to make him trust me. I’ve done everything to make him fall in love with me. I’ve lost clients and a week’s worth of income to search and pry information from your assassin. And it was all for nothing.”
His hands gripped mine and ripped them from the handle before I knew he was moving. “Love was never supposed to be a factor for you.” He shoved our hands to my chest, pinning them there. “Do not forget who you belong to.”
“I belong to no man,” I seethed.
A wicked grin pulled at his mouth that sent a chill up my spine.
I was jealous of that grin. I was positive mine didn’t have the same effect.
He slid closer until our faces were nearly touching. Those cold eyes would’ve pierced me to the door if I wasn’t already. “You think I don’t know why you did this, Jessica? All of it?”
I wanted to respond with something witty, but there was nothing.
“I told you if you help, your mother will be cared for. She’ll be placed in the best rehab and will have round-the-clock care when she returns. You’ll both be out of the living conditions you’re in now.”
My breathing grew rougher as tears threatened, but I forced them away. I refused to show this man my weakness, even if he already knew it.
“I did help. I did everything you told me to. Your suspicions were wrong.”
His eyes blazed and that grin widened into a smile that was evil incarnate. “Do you still want that, Jessica?”
I ground my jaw, refusing to answer.
“Because as it stands right now . . . we’ve been increasing your mother’s dose a day at a time. I’m not sure how much longer she has if you don’t show how serious you are.”
The tears I’d just forced away now fell unbidden. I jerked against his tightening hold and screamed, “You bastard.”
A low, throaty laugh spilled from his lips.
“You see . . . I have conditions of my own. As I’ve told you, I own you. It’s time you understand that.”
I shook my head as my pathetic cries filled the car.
“You didn’t give me the information I want, but you will give me what I want, one way or another. I’ve said this before, but I’ll say it one last time. I don’t want to catch you walking on this street—or any other—again. Any physical relationship with a man or woman after you leave this car, and I’ll have them killed.” He dropped down so his eyes were level with mine and growled, “That includes Kieran Hayes.”
Acid rose up my throat, but I forced it back down.
A cry tumbled from my lips, but I forced it into chaotic laughter. My lips stretched into a taunting grin. The strength it took to maintain my smile seemed to drain me, but I refused to falter.
His face was suddenly so close that if I tilted my head back, our lips would’ve brushed. His eyes locked on to mine, terrifying and seducing all at once. And so completely wrong.
They weren’t intriguing the way Kieran’s were. They didn’t make me crave to inch closer. They told me to run.
The seduction was something practiced . . . something he’d mastered over his years.
He’ll ruin you.
“When I want something, Jessica, I get it.”
“I made a deal with the devil long ago,” I breathed. “The dark is my one true love. You can’t scare me into being with you after the life I’ve had.”
He dipped his head closer to whisper in my ear, “The devil and I are old friends. Remember who you belong to.”
I told myself to move calmly when he released me, and forced my hands slowly to the door handle when all I wanted was to grab a knife. To end his life.
Momma.
I pushed away the impulse when thoughts of her filtered through my hatred for the man before me.
It was all for her. Every deal I’d made with this disgusting man had been for her. And he was dangling her life just out of my reach, baiting me with what he now held in his grasp.
I hate you. Loathe you.
Clenching my teeth, I pulled on the handle and leaned against the door when it popped open. Holding the Holloway boss’s glare, I made myself climb out of the SUV and shut the door in his triumphant face.
“No man,” I whispered to the tinted windows. “No man.”
“You’re a sick son of a bitch, you know that?”
Beck turned around, a look of surprise on his face. But when he saw my anger and the tears threatening to slip down my cheeks, the surprise faded into guilt.
Bastard.
I took my bag and flung it at him. “I hate you.”
I added the fact that he had fast enough reflexes to catch it onto my list of reasons why I hated him.
“I’m sorry. Jess, you kno—”
I cocked back my arm and let my fist fly at his face, but it landed in his palm. He held on tight so I couldn’t take another swing.
Hated him for that too.
“You know I didn’t have a choice,” he said in a low tone.
“That seems to be the phrase of your life, Beck,” I bit out. “You’ve never had a choice. But you sure as hell like to take my choices away.”
“He saw you and had you followed, Jess. And where do you go on your way home every night? Here. To me. What was I supposed to do?” He looked so helpless, that if I hadn’t gone through the last ten years with Beck, I might have felt bad for him.
“What you do is tell him to fuck off!”
“You know that’s not something I can do.”
“I knew. I knew,” I began, my tears making my words thick with emotion. “The second Mickey said they had been upping her dose every day, I knew you had something to do with this, but I still hoped like hell I was wrong.”
His head tilted to the side, his face pinched with anguish. “I didn’t have a—”
“Oh, spare me that bullshit. You had a choice. You had a fucking choice, and you sold me out to him. You told me if I was in trouble you’d be there. I’ve been in trouble, Beck. And you put me there.”
“He’s going to kill Conor,” he hissed. “He’s going to kill my brother. He’s looking for whoever sold him out to the Borellos. He’s looking for Kieran and me. If I didn’t give Mickey what he asked for, it would’ve been like giving him everything he’s been looking for on a silver platter. And he still would’ve found out about you and your mom. He has ways.”
“But it wouldn’t have been from you. You wouldn’t have been the one to hand my mom over to that disgusting piece of shit so he could hold her over me.” A sharp laugh burst from my lungs. “You always told me you were protecting me. So how the fuck was this protecting me? How?”
“I’ve tried to protect you through everything, and you’ve never been able to see that,” he yelled. “I’ve kept every other dealer in the city away from you for years. I kept them from taking advantage of you.”
A wild laugh spilled from my lips. “If anyone has been protecting the other, it’s been me protecting you,” I said. “You honestly think you’re my mom’s only dealer? She gets drugs from anyone. Meaning I have to pay whoever has them, Beck. Including you. And six years ago, you pissed off one of them to the point where you became a target. You were threatened.”
I could see him trying to work it out in his mind.
I knew he’d never make the connection.
“For six years, I’ve had to pay that piece of shit to keep the target off your back. Every single time you’ve given your product to my mom, he’s shown up, wanting what I paid you. Sometimes wanting double. Demanding it because he knew he could.”
“Jesus fuck, Jess.”
“For the last six years,” I bit out.
He roughly ran his hands over his head then let them fall as if they each weighed a ton. “I didn’t know.”
That’s the problem, Beck. You’ve never fucking known.
“If you would’ve just stopped selling to her like I’ve been begging you to. If you would’ve just killed— Do you realize what you set into motion six years ago by not killing the man you pulled off me? Do you have any idea who he is?”
Beck stared at me like he wanted to beg me to stop talking. Like he was waiting for this to just be a bad dream.
It was a bad dream.
It was mine.
“He’s a dealer. His name’s AJ.”
Recognition lit in Beck’s eyes.
“I was drugged that night. I woke up to him—” I gestured over my body, my face twisted in disgust.
Beck’s face drained of color. “Jess, no . . .”
Gritting my teeth, I said, “And no man owns me. So I decided to own all men.”
He took a step toward me, his hands out, but I took a step back and put a shaking hand out to stop him.
“And still I’ve woken up to him in my room. I’ve woken up to guns pointed at me. I’ve woken up to his hands around my neck. I’ve woken up again and again to heavy limbs and him taking from me what I can’t afford to pay him. And I can never stop him.” A sob ripped from somewhere in my soul and my legs threatened to give out beneath me. “I’ve scrambled to placate the worst kind of men for years because I’ve been trying to keep them from coming after you. Because you thought you were protecting me. If anyone has been protecting the other, it’s been me,” I repeated. “You have ruined my life.”
“I tried.” He swallowed roughly, the action looked like it pained him. “I tried . . . I thought I was protecting you.”
“You should’ve known that you couldn’t.”
“I could’ve if you would’ve told me.”
“I protect me. I protect us. I’ve spent my life keeping my mom safe from anyone who’s tried to hurt her. Including herself. But I can’t keep her safe from the poison you’re all giving her. And then Mickey promised to put her in a rehab if I helped him.” Another sob tore from me, and I clawed at my chest, trying to relieve the pressure there. “I had to take it. It was the only chance to save her.”
Beck’s head shook slowly, like he didn’t know how I didn’t understand. “And you believed him?”
“I had to!”
“She’s killing herself, Jess. The fact that she’s still alive is a miracle.” He laughed, but there was no humor behind it. “If you would’ve let me take care of you—even if you would’ve let me try to take care of both of you—she would’ve still found a way to get what she wanted. That’s why I refused to stop selling to her. That’s why I wanted her coming to me. Because I could control it. Because I was her best option. We could’ve found a way to reduce her dose until she could’ve gotten help. But Mickey? He’s going to use her addiction against both of you.”
“He is,” I cried out.
More tears welled up in my eyes.
Make it go away, Beck.
So weak.
“Jessica . . .” Beck reached for me again, and again I jerked away. “Jess, I’m sorry. I’m so damn sorry.”
“If you were me, what would you do?” I asked slowly.
He let out a defeated sigh after a few seconds. “Mickey wants you. The fact that he doesn’t already have you means he’s probably acting like he’s giving you a choice. But that’s all it is. An act. From what he said and what he’s doing by taking your mom, I think the choice will be gone soon.”
A crushed laugh fell from my lips. “So, that’s it then? Am I supposed to stop fighting?”
He watched me for a long while, not speaking or moving. “You’re delaying something inevitable,” he finally said. “All you’re doing is giving him something to hold over your head until you give in. And Kieran and I aren’t any closer to finding this ghost. If you were there . . .”
He didn’t need to finish. I knew what he wasn’t saying.
I might be able to spy on the mob boss.
I nodded absentmindedly and backed away. Before I could get far, I mumbled, “Beckham, tell me something.”
One of his eyebrows ticked up as he waited.
“This, my mom, Mickey, all of it . . . has it been one giant fuck-you to get back at me for not giving you what you wanted? Is it because of Kieran?”
“Never, Jessica.”
I let his honesty wash through me and turned to leave.
“But, why him? Why Kieran and not me?”
I looked over my shoulder, and answered simply, “He understands my demons, and he hasn’t betrayed me for the last ten years.”
His face creased with pain. “And what do you think he’ll do when he finds out you’re working for Mickey? When he finds out you’ve betrayed him?”
My gaze drifted as guilt and grief washed through me, and then that old, familiar need rose up in their place.
“Maybe he’ll put an end to everything.”
To the darkness.
To the madness.
Make it go away.
I lifted my head and pulled my shoulders back. “I belong to no man,” I reminded him. “I do not beg. And I do not give in to them. Remind your boss of that if he asks about me. I’ll be working my street if he wants to find me.”