Beck and I watched her leave and heaviness settled in the room as he turned to face me.
“Guess that’s my cue to leave?” he asked drily. When I didn’t respond, he shook his head. “I’ve never seen her like that.”
“Like what?”
He held a hand out toward the chair Jessica had been in and gestured to me. “Fucking calm.” A harsh breath rushed from him, and he dropped his hand. “I mean, I don’t know, man. I saw her like that for a couple seconds in your room . . . but even then, she started with the crazy bullshit during.”
I didn’t respond or react in any way. I didn’t need to hurt Beck more by telling him that the majority of my time with Jessica had been with the girl beneath her chaos.
“But she’s been all kinds of different lately,” he said, mostly to himself. “I’ve known her since she was fourteen, and I’ve never seen her cry before. Every time I’ve seen her this week, she’s cried. And that was even before Mickey took her mom.”
“Mickey came to her a few days before he took her mom,” I said. “It’s the first time she’s let anyone help her. That had to be relieving and terrifying. And humiliating, since it was a man she despises.”
“Yeah, guess you’re right.” He absentmindedly ran a hand over his beard then said, “To be honest, as much as it kills me to see her cry, it’s a relief. Any normal girl would cry at half the shit she’s seen daily, yet she fucking laughed. I wanted her to show she had some human emotions. Funny that the robot would bring them out.”
The corner of my mouth pulled into a smile when a breath of a laugh left him.
“I hate . . .” I pushed out a weighted breath and ran my hands over my face. “I hate that this is tearing at you.”
“I know. Just like I know it won’t change anything.”
My jaw clenched, because I couldn’t deny that. “Beck—”
“Take care of her, even when she doesn’t want you to.” His stare met mine. “You’re the only one who can.” He pushed from the wall he’d been up against and jerked his head toward the opposite side of the house. “I’m gonna go out my window. But, uh, come see me before I have to head out. There’s something I need to show you.”
“If you’re gonna shoot me, do it now.”
A full laugh burst from his chest, forcing a smile across my face. “Man, you should’ve offered that a few days ago. I might’ve taken you up on it.”
“I would’ve dodged it.”
“You bastard,” he said on a softer laugh, and then his face sobered. “Come see me.”
I nodded and waited until I heard the window in his old room open and shut before I moved soundlessly through the house toward the girl who’d buried herself in my heart sometime between her wild laughs and baiting words.
She was waiting on the end of the bed, legs crossed beneath her, eyes wary.
I stopped in the doorframe and leaned against it, taking her in and studying every little thing about her.
Her full lips and slender throat. Her enticing curves that fit perfectly against my body, like how her darkness seemed to fit with mine. Her wide eyes that could turn seductive and mischievous in an instant.
The way she looked so fragile and strong at the same time.
How soft her face looked when she wasn’t wearing makeup.
And that everything—all of her—was mine.
“He told me to get as close to you as necessary until I gained your trust . . .”
Her earlier words had my stomach wrenching and my pulse dipping before I was able to level it out again.
“How do I know if it was real?”
Jessica’s shoulders sagged and face twisted. “Didn’t it feel real?”
“Lily felt real.”
Her mouth opened and she hunched forward, like my comparison had been a physical blow.
Her confessions had been too.
“What happens when you realize I was nothing but a job?” I asked.
For a long time, she didn’t move and didn’t speak. It looked like she couldn’t.
When she did, her voice was strained—quiet—and her stare didn’t move from a spot on the floor. “I believed him about my mom, but I always mocked everything else he said. He gave me rules and warnings about not listening to him because he owned me, and it made me want to defy him even more.”
It was an immediate reaction now.
The darkness that flooded me whenever it was mentioned how Mickey thought he owned the girl on that bed.
She was mine.
Pull her closer. Keep her safe, safe, safe.
I rolled my head, pushing away that thick feeling of dark need that stirred in my mind.
“I proved I could take things from you, and I looked for the flash drive, but by then I was already in so much trouble with you,” she went on. “The last night I did anything for him at all was the first night I kissed you. When I followed you to The Jack, it was because I couldn’t make myself stay away. Not that he knew that. Not that I wanted to admit that, even then.”
“What rules?” I asked.
“There were a lot. But with you? I wasn’t supposed to touch you or let you touch me. I was supposed to seduce you, and keep you wanting me until I had you where I needed you. But I hated you.” Her eyes finally lifted to meet mine. “I hated you for how you looked at me with disgust. I hated you for being a man. And I hated you for being the first person I wanted and craved. I’ve loathed and wanted to scream when men have touched me.” She paused again. “But I need your touch like I need oxygen.”
The emotion in her voice was undeniable, and it took strength I didn’t know I had to stay where I was and not give her what she needed.
“You’re every comfort I never thought I’d have. You make me feel alive and free.” A strangled sob sounded in her chest, and her shoulders lifted in a weak shrug. “Yes, you were supposed to be a job. One I didn’t want or attempt to fulfill because I fell in love with you. And you should’ve already known that since I told Mickey there was nothing on you when I knew everything. What happened with you and Lily . . . that’s not us. We’re real. I know you feel the difference.”
I felt every one of the hundreds of differences between Lily and Jessica. But the one similarity was what stopped me.
She uncrossed her legs and stood from the bed then came to stand a foot in front of me. A shaky breath left her, and in the clearest voice she pleaded, “Tell me what it was like earlier. Tell me what it felt like when he took over and I was in your arms.”
Not a laugh.
Not a wicked smile or gleam in her eyes.
Just her beneath her chaos.
“It was fucking terrifying when you pushed that knife against my chest,” I admitted. “But it was calm. I knew I needed to protect you. Everything that darkness wanted to do also wanted to protect you. It was instinct.”
Her head moved in a quick, subtle nod, a ghost of a smile playing on her lips. “We’re real.” She took another step and lifted her chin so her mouth was only a breath from mine. “What if—?”
“No more what ifs.” A growl raked up my throat. “It’s real or it’s not.” Her soft gasp when my hand snaked out to grip her waist nearly brought me to my knees. “You were made for me or you weren’t. You love me or you don’t.”
“I do. I do, and I was and it is . . .” Her lips spread into a smile that lit her face and stopped my heart in a way that had nothing to do with my darkness. In a way I’d never experienced.
I wanted this girl to make my heart stop beating for the rest of time.
“And I belong to you.”
My mouth was on hers and she was in my arms, and I was moving us backward before the taste of her claim could leave her tongue.
Her legs curled around my hips when I laid her on the bed, her body arching and her head dropping back in a silent plea.
I trailed my mouth over her throat, leaving soft kisses along her bruised skin as I worked down to her collarbone. Grabbing the collar of my shirt she was wearing, I pulled it aside and left teasing bites as that familiar darkness breathed to life.
I gripped the comforter instinctively to brace against the darkness.
But that jagged, needy voice slipped through.
Pull her closer. Keep her safe, safe, safe . . .
My body rocked against hers, and the beast inside roared when she moaned in response.
Mine, mine, mine.
But I needed to keep her safe.
Safe.
Fucking safe.
And she’d just faced her demons.
I brushed my lips against her skin once . . . twice . . . and then I slowly pushed myself off her.
She reached for me, her eyes wide with confusion as I stood at the edge of the bed, silently waiting until I was in control of my mind again.
Her legs were still wrapped loosely around my hips, giving me a clear view of where she was bare and ready for me beneath the shirt. And it was making this a hell of a lot more difficult.
A groan sounded deep in my chest as I fought with myself to unlock her legs and help her into a sitting position when all I wanted was to slide the shirt up a little more and devour her.
“What are you doing?”
Losing my goddamn mind.
“I can’t do this to you. Not after what you went through.” I tilted her head back and kissed her softly. “Get in and I’ll hold you.”
“I need this.”
“Jessica . . .” I started to shake my head, but she hurried to speak before I could continue.
“Physical contact has always been difficult for me. As hard as it might be to believe, sex has always been agony. I felt dead inside for so long because of my life and my demons,” she whispered, her tone full of shame, like she was confessing a lifetime of sins.
Knowing her—how brave and strong and proud she was—it was probably the first time she’d done that.
“And then I met you. Your touch has been my comfort and cure. I need that now.”
I watched her, battling with what she was asking and what she needed. What I thought she needed.
“Kieran, please.”
The war inside me waged, even as I slowly began removing my knives and undressing.
Her eyes heated as she watched me, taking in every movement and every twitch of muscle until I was standing before her in only my boxer briefs.
Curling my hands around her neck, I pressed my thumbs to her jaw and lifted her head again to kiss her slowly, thoroughly. When she sagged and a whimper climbed up her throat, I ran my hands down her body to grasp the bottom of the shirt and raised it inch by inch until it was over her head and falling to the floor.
I playfully bit her bottom lip then straightened to look down at her when she grabbed the band of my briefs and pulled them down. Her obsidian stare never left mine as she teased me with faint touches, branding me wherever her skin connected with mine.
When there was nothing between us but skin and demons, I stepped between her legs and placed my hand on her throat. Lingering on the bruise there, I silently vowed to kill the man who had put it there and erase everything he’d ever done to her.
Keeping my eyes locked with hers, I trailed my hand to her chest and used the slightest pressure to push her back. She sucked in a stuttered breath, and a tremor rippled through her body when she landed against the bed, her stare darkening with want when my hands moved to her legs.
I dragged my hands down her thighs and lifted them off the bed, tightening my grip to bring her closer to me so only her back was resting on the edge of the bed.
A giggle sounded in her throat and ended in a low moan when I shifted between her thighs and pressed against her entrance.
Her head fell back when I rocked against her, her lips parting with a whispered, “Kieran.”
“Tell me how you want this.”
A breath of a whimper tumbled from her mouth when I pushed in, forcing myself to take this part slow.
It was ecstasy and agony.
Nothing had ever felt this good.
A growl built low in my chest when I was fully seated, and her name raked up my throat. “Chaos.”
“Take control,” she begged, another whimper slipping past her parted lips when I pulled out and eased back in, my hips rocking against hers. She grasped my forearms pleadingly and curled her legs around my hips. “Make it go away.”
Releasing the hold on her legs, I grabbed her arms and forced them over her head, pinning her hands to the bed.
“Keep yourself alive, and I’ll make everything go away.” My mouth slanted over hers, the kiss soft and teasing and in time with the unhurried rocking of my hips.
I dragged my teeth over her bottom lip, biting down before releasing her. My fingers raced down her body as I straightened, lingering and tightening possessively on her curves. Her full breasts and the dip of her waist . . . her mesmerizing hips, and her ass that I was dying to sink into.
Each roll of my hips was slow and controlled. Each movement was more forceful than the last. Each one forced a breath of a moan from her lips and had my heart rate slowing as the darkness inside flickered to life.
Mine, mine, mine.
By the time my fingers were hovering between her thighs, she was already trembling, her chest heaving with her ragged breaths.
She cried out and clenched around me when I ran my thumb over her clit, her body twisted and arched, and a hushed whimper fell from her lips when I didn’t continue.
I ran my fingers over her as I rocked into her, spreading and teasing her, but only giving her faint brushes where she wanted me.
Each brush sent a shock through her body that felt like my own. Each time I nearly came undone.
I waited until she was writhing on the bed and a frustrated cry ripped from her throat before I finally ended both her torture and mine. I gripped her hip and drove into her, my fingers focused on her clit as her breaths became rougher and more uneven. Bringing her higher and higher until she was gripping me so damn tight.
She lowered one of her hands from above her head, her fingers twisting around my forearm and sliding down until they were loosely laced with mine where I was touching her.
She didn’t try to touch herself. She didn’t try to stop or control what I was doing. She just let her fingers move with mine, feeling what I was doing to her as she surrendered control.
Damn it, I’d never seen anything hotter. More powerful.
It was intoxicating.
Her fingers clenched around mine, and her body suddenly bowed, her mouth parting with a soundless moan as she shattered around me.
The beast roared and pounded on his chest.
Mine, mine, mine.
Bringing our hands up, I bent over her and pressed a kiss to her palm. “We’re not done,” I said, my voice rough.
A smirk pulled at the corner of my mouth when she gave a weak whimper of protest.
I draped her arm around my neck then wrapped my hands underneath her trembling body.
A low moan sounded in her throat when I lifted her to crawl onto the bed, our bodies still connected. She held tighter to me, her hips rolling against me, her head dropping back.
I dipped down to pull one of her breasts into my mouth, licking and swirling my tongue around her hardened nipple. The gasp that ripped from her when I bit down had my eyes rolling back and my grip on her tightening. I bit on the sensitive skin just to hear that sound again and groaned when the next one had my legs threatening to give.
This goddamn girl.
I eased her onto the middle of the bed, dragging my teeth across her nipple and pumping in and out of her slowly. Moving to her other breast, I paid it the same attention with licks and bites and teasing kisses until the tremors from her orgasm were nearly gone.
Then with a swift bite to the underside of her breast, I sat back on my knees.
And I stopped, unable to do anything but drink her in as she lay there, breathless, with a satisfied smile.
She was beauty and strength. She was seduction and sin.
She was destruction and chaos. She was peace.
And she was my home.
The girl was poison. My personal nightshade.
And I savored every bit that filled my veins.
Mine, mine, mine.
I took a stuttered breath then another and pulled out of her. Before she could question, I leaned forward and curled my hand around her cheek. “Trust me?”
“Always.”
I brushed my mouth across hers then locked on to her depthless eyes. “I’ve got you.”
There was no fear there. Only love and trust and raw need when she gave a faint nod.
But it wouldn’t last. It couldn’t.
“Make it go away.”
I passed my lips across the bruises on her throat then pressed them to the spot below her ear and whispered, “I’m here. I’ve got you.”
Unlocking her legs from my hips, I shifted back and brought her leg around me, trailing the tips of my fingers up and down her thigh as I did. With a smirk, I flipped her onto her stomach and gripped her hips, roughly jerking on them so she was on her knees.
I ran my hand up and down her spine as I moved to kneel between her legs, watching as a chill spread across her body. She pushed back against me when I stroked her ass and widened her legs, her breaths already rough and uneven.
Gripping her tightly, I pushed roughly into her, my head dropping back and a groan building deep in my chest when she cried out.
Breathy. Erotic. Pleading.
I slid out and forced her back onto my cock just so I could hear that sound again. And again.
I drove into her harder than before, wanting to lose myself completely. Wanting to give her what was real between us.
That was what she needed to face those demons.
We didn’t do gentle. It wasn’t how she wanted to be handled. She didn’t want anything that would be seen as weak. Where she would feel weak. She wouldn’t want me treating her like she was breakable—especially now.
But even as I moved, I could feel it. See it. The way her body was slowly tensing. The way her hands were starting to grip rather than cling to the comforter.
I curled my body around hers and slid my hand over one of hers, lacing our fingers as I wrapped my other arm around her belly.
She jerked, her breaths suddenly coming too sharp and fast and having nothing to do with what I was doing to her.
The rocking of my hips slowed but was no less forceful.
I brushed my mouth across the spot between her shoulder blades then higher on her shoulder. “I’ve got you.”
Her head moved back and forth like she was moving in water. “No.”
“Stay with me, Chaos. I’ve got you.”
When the only response was her heaving breaths and a shaking that started deep within her, I sat us back and used our interlaced hands to grip her chin and turn her head toward me.
I pressed my mouth to hers and said, “I was made for you. You were made for me. Stay with me.”
“Move,” she whispered against my lips.
I leaned back to look at her eyes, shining with unshed tears.
Her head dropped to my shoulder. “God, Kieran, please move. I trust you. Just don’t stop.”
I pushed in slowly once . . . twice . . . then held tight against her stomach as I moved inside her. The whole time watching her face and feeling her body against mine. The way she relaxed and her lips parted. The whispers of “I trust you,” and the way her eyes fluttered shut the harder my movements became until I finally found my release inside her.
Her body never tensed again.
“Who are you with?”
“You.”
“Trust me?”
She nodded from where her head rested on my shoulder, her bottom lip captured in her teeth.
“Then bend over and keep your eyes on me.”
It was immediate. As soon as she rested her chest on the bed, her ass in the air and in my hands, her body tensed and a crippling breath ripped from her.
Every demon, Chaos.
I’ll fight every one.
“Look at me,” I ground out, my grip on her tightening.
Her eyes were vacant when she twisted her neck to look at me.
“I’ve got you. Stay with me.”
Nothing.
I curled over her, gritting my teeth and pressing my forehead between her shoulder blades. I clenched the comforter in my hands as I tried to force him to show.
Come on, you fuck.
His need for her mixed with mine and consumed me immediately.
Need to devour her.
Need to protect her.
Need to love her.
Pull her closer. Keep her safe, safe, safe.
“Feel me. Hear me,” I demanded, my voice low and rough. “I’ve got you.”
A shudder ripped through her and passed to me.
“You’re mine.”
“Took you long enough to realize that,” she breathed, her tone exhausted but amused.
I lifted my head from her back to look at the smile lighting her face. Pressing my head to her back again, I gripped her possessively and waited for the darkness to leave and the jarring breaths to return before I pulled out of her.
Hooking my arm around her waist, I tugged her to the bed with me and pulled her close.
I brushed the hair from her face and stared into her dark eyes, wanting to say and ask a hundred things.
Was she okay? Why the hell was she smiling?
I’d failed. I hated that I’d had to bring out the monster to finish it.
“Comfort and cure,” she whispered, bringing up our earlier conversation. “Stop looking at me like that.”
“I didn’t make it go away.”
Her eyebrows slowly lifted in amusement, her smile widening. “The other times with you, I struggled to remember where I was even though I knew you were there. That’s already something I’ve never been able to do. But you pulled me back like it was as easy as breathing.”
I didn’t tell her it hadn’t felt or seemed that way. Or that, during those times, I’d felt no better than the man who’d created her demons.
“But I do think your demon was easier to face.”
My face fell. “Mine would’ve killed you.”
A soft laughed bubbled up her throat. “We’ve proved that he won’t. He’s you. Just a version of you that never should’ve been and was forced onto you. You’ve tried to separate yourself from him for so long, because he means things you don’t like or want. But he has to want what you want. That’s how I knew you wouldn’t hurt me.”
I’d never thought of the darkness that way. I’d never thought of it in any way other than a curse and monster.
“But mine . . .” Her stare fell to a spot on my chest, the smile that had been lighting her face vanished. “I don’t think it will be as easy. They aren’t my own, and they don’t want to give me up.”
Not a sound. Not a trace.
Feed the blade. Watch the light fade.
Pull her closer. Keep her safe, safe, safe.
It was an echo, like the beast was pacing in the furthest corner of my mind until he could take over again.
But we were in agreement.
I tilted her head back but paused with my mouth above hers. “When they’re dead, they won’t have a choice.”