A giggle caught in my throat and my legs tensed. The need to pull them up and away from what he was doing was nearly as great as my need to pull him closer—to feel his body against mine.
But he was holding a blade, and I wasn’t stupid enough to push him.
I didn’t want to die. Not at that moment anyway.
We’d spent the night and morning holed up in Kieran’s room—much like the day before. And we hadn’t done anything other than kiss.
I couldn’t imagine anything better than kissing Kieran.
I couldn’t imagine ever wanting to escape his darkness. Because mine didn’t seem so dark when I was with him.
But he was still planning to go to The Jack tonight. And, as I told him, I wouldn’t watch him destroy himself. The clock counting down on our time together today had been growing louder with each second that passed.
Now, it was nearly impossible to ignore.
Tick. Tock.
Tick. Tock.
“Don’t move,” Kieran repeated for the third time, a devilish smirk on his face as he continued spinning one of his blades up my thigh.
The man could kill someone without a thought with the weapon in his hand. He could throw it with pinpoint accuracy without looking—as he’d proven the day before. And at the moment, he was showing me how much control he had over it in other ways.
Every one of his blades and knives were sharp enough to draw blood without pressure. But I didn’t have so much as a mark on my legs as he tortured me.
Another giggle worked through me and fell from my lips. I twisted on the bed, unable to hold it back anymore.
“Jessica—”
“It tickles,” I cried out, my legs tensing as I fought the instinct to kick him in the face.
His lips twitched like he was trying to hold back his smile.
“Don’t move,” he said in a low, warning tone that sent a warm shiver through my body.
And then his mouth was on mine.
Coaxing. Inviting. Taking everything I wanted to give him and didn’t know how.
My chest pitched when I felt the tip of the blade skate up my stomach, dragging my shirt up my body and leaving chills in its wake. My toes curled against the comforter when he dragged the flat side along the underside of my breast, and I cried out when he slammed the blade into the headboard above us.
Kieran sat back and put some space between us, his chest moving roughly as he studied me with a satisfied grin that made him look so much less threatening.
My heart was racing.
Adrenaline was coursing through my body.
And I wanted more.
He’ll ruin you.
I forced the thought from my mind and watched as he bent to place a kiss on my stomach, then moved my shirt back down.
There wasn’t a scratch on me.
Why would Lily ever want to leave this?
Kieran jerked, his eyes hardening. “What?”
My stomach sank as I tried to take back words I knew I couldn’t have said.
“Kieran . . .”
“This place?” he asked, his voice hard and unforgiving. “She hated it. Me? We’ve been over that.”
“I didn’t mean to . . .” I bit out a curse and sat up. “I just don’t understand. I’ve never had something like this. I’ve never wanted to be touched. And with you”—I shrugged unapologetically—“I don’t want you to stop touching me. I didn’t want what you were doing to end.”
He watched for me long seconds before he said, “I never did that with her.” His eyes lifted to the knife sticking out of the headboard. “She hated what I was. Hated whenever she saw me with a knife for any reason. I taught her to use one for basic defense, but she hated the idea of them. Anything that would connect me or her to this life she wanted nothing to do with.”
Suddenly I understood why he freaked out the night before—why he’d been so frustrated when he thought I was using his jobs and the fact that he was an assassin as a reason to leave.
If only you knew.
Tick. Tock.
Tick. Tock.
“I feel special.” It came out sarcastic, but I liked that he’d never done those things with her.
“You pulled a knife on me the first few times we met.” The corner of his mouth curved up. “Figured you’d be able to handle it.”
“You’re the first person I’ve ever kissed,” I admitted and held his surprised stare, daring him to challenge my confession.
“Why?” he finally asked.
Because they would’ve ruined me.
“Kissing isn’t in the job description.” I gave him a playful grin and ignored the irritated set of his eyes. “I’ve just never allowed a man to kiss me. Never wanted to. Especially not with any of them.”
Minutes came and went in silence as the assassin stared at me, like he was trying to figure out things he shouldn’t.
And the ticking only became louder.
When it started to feel like I would go out of my mind if he didn’t say something, he crawled over the bed and lay on his side next to me. “Tell me why you do it.”
A wild laugh slipped from my lips. “It’s easy money. Why else?”
He sighed and ran a hand through his shoulder-length hair. “Don’t do that. Don’t pretend to be someone I know you’re not.”
I looked at him, caught off guard at the way he suddenly sounded so drained, but he was staring straight ahead.
“And what makes you think you know me, Nightshade?”
His eyes lifted to meet mine. The look he gave me telling me more than words could.
Without saying anything, he returned to staring straight ahead, and I blew out a steadying breath.
“Because I need money.”
“Lots of ways to make money.”
I tried to laugh, but it came out as a depressed sounding huff. “Yeah. Tried a lot of them too. I’ll spare you the story of poor Jessica’s job failures, but I was desperate. I owed a lot—Momma owed a lot to some people, and she’s never worked a day of my life. I had to get money to keep her alive and keep us in the trailer so we weren’t on the street.” Again.
“Where were your dad and brother?”
“Gone.” When he tapped my leg, I rolled my eyes. “I’m not sure. My dad could be dead for all I care. And Jentry was already off living his cushy life with Declan. Forgetting about me. When places started refusing to hire me because they’d heard about Momma and the people who came looking for me, I started begging on a corner. Not long after, some things happened and I decided to take control of my life.” Another tap. Another roll of my eyes. “The man who . . . the one who tried to force himself on me.”
His fingers curled into a fist on top of my leg, but slowly unfurled after a few seconds. “You said you had clients,” he said, spitting out the last word. “Why are you on a street if you have them and don’t get picked up?”
“Standing there is how I originally met them and it’s how they come get me. I refuse to go crawling to them, and I won’t let them near Momma. I’m already protecting her from enough.”
The random people she brings home.
The boyfriends.
AJ . . .
He nodded slowly, but I could feel the way his body was slowly beginning to shake. “Why do you make people think you’d fuck anyone for cash? Beck. Your brother. Me.”
Shock pulsed through me at his question. But after a moment, a hint of amusement played on my lips. Of course Kieran would be the one to pick up on the inconsistencies in my lifestyle and my conversations with others. Of course.
If Kieran understood anything, it was threats. The way they moved and worked.
And a threat is exactly what I’d been to him.
“I don’t make anyone think anything,” I said softly.
Kieran muttered something too low for me to hear.
“I spent my entire first night turning away every car until the very last one,” I mumbled, my voice thick with shame. “He’s still my client. He’s never once touched me, and he just watches me touch myself. He was my only client for months.”
Kieran’s body was trembling so hard that it was forcing mine to shake too.
“Beck found out a few days later and started yelling at me. Called me a whore. Told me to go spread my legs for another dozen men if that’s what I wanted.” I swallowed around the knot in my throat. “Growing up, it was nearly impossible to get in touch with Jentry. It’s how I became so good at sneaking into places. When I finally got in touch with him after all that began, he lost it. He already knew because Declan had seen me on my street. Said more of the same as Beck had. I first saw you with Beck, and he’d already decided he knew everything he needed about me. So . . .” I shrugged and started playing with my fingers.
“Declan’s a client?”
My face twisted in disgust and hatred. “No. That . . . that was different. That was right after I started. I tried to go to Jentry for help, but they’d moved. It would’ve taken me forever to find where they’d moved to. But, Declan . . . he’d never been hard to find, and he always led me right to Jentry. So I went to a party he was at one night. I didn’t have to follow him at a distance. No matter how many times I’d seen him and slipped in and out of their houses, Declan hadn’t seen me since we were kids and didn’t remember me. He was all over me, pulling me from the party early and taking me back to their new house.” I forced a shrug. “He became my revenge.”
I knew Jentry would be angry when he found out.
I knew he’d lose control.
And I’d been so desperate for everything to go away that I’d nearly cried in relief when Jentry stormed into the room and started beating the shit out of Declan. I’d taunted him ceaselessly, silently begging him to turn on me next.
The way our father always had.
But he’d taken one look at me, his expression full of so much disgust and darkness and rage, and had stormed out of the room.
“That’s why you think I’m going to ruin myself with this revenge?” Kieran’s lethal tone ripped through the memory of one of my many failed attempts at pushing Jentry too far, and I forced a huff.
I opened my mouth to respond then shut it. After a few seconds I said, “It’s a reason. But our situations are so different, and you’re still not seeing yours clearly.”
He loosed a slow breath. “Tell me about the people you owe.”
Tick. Tock.
Tick. Tock.
I rubbed at my chest to ease the sting of hurt at his dismissal and pushed a laugh from my lungs when it suddenly felt difficult to breathe. “What is this, twenty questions?”
“Yes,” he responded shamelessly. “The people you owe.”
I settled against the headboard and looked away. The room felt too hot, and I felt too cold. The chill skating across my skin felt like insects crawling as fear crept through my veins.
The people I owed was really only one man.
He was every nightmare I’d ever endured.
He’d been the fear clinging to my spine since I was eight years old.
He was why I’d become this.
Weak. You’re so weak.
“That’s not something I’ll ever tell you.”
Even though I was now looking at the window, I could feel the way Kieran tilted his head on my leg. Knew he was watching me. Studying me. “Why?”
“Because I don’t need you to try to fix it. I take care of my mom.”
I always had. For the last sixteen years it had been the two of us. And I vowed that we’d have so many more. More that were hopefully different than the previous years. More with her clean. More with her safe.
“Never said you couldn’t, Chaos.” He squeezed my thigh and blew out a ragged breath. “Is she able to take care of herself?”
My teeth gnashed so hard my jaw ached. “I’ll figure out a way to get the knife from this headboard if you continue with that train of thought. I’m never leaving her.”
Jentry and Beck had wanted me to do exactly that. Leave the lost cause. Leave what they thought was holding me back and destroying my life.
I refused to give up on her.
“Jesus, Jessica.” Kieran’s strong fingers gripped my chin and forced my head down so I’d look at him. “I asked because you’ve been here for days. That’s it. Stop being so goddamn defensive.” He released me and rolled onto his back to run his hands over his face.
When his hands fell to his muscled stomach, I reached down to grab one in a silent apology. With another longing look at the window, I said, “Just because you haven’t seen me leave doesn’t mean I’m not taking care of her.”
I always will.
Tick. Tock.
Tick.