“No,” Beck said immediately. “No. Fuck no.”
Kieran didn’t say anything. He only continued to watch me with that same careful expression. Like he was worried about what I might do.
A part of me was too.
There was a part of me that was begging to push at Kieran until he snapped. Taunt him until he lost control.
Make it go away.
But even as those thoughts and needs crept through me, I knew Kieran wouldn’t . . . knew he’d find a way to keep me safe from my own mind while keeping me alive.
Find Jentry.
Find Jentry. Make it go away.
A ragged breath ripped from my lungs when Kieran’s fingers trailed down my jaw, and my eyes locked with his.
A part. That’s all it was.
Because my rock was holding on to me, and he was keeping me from breaking. He was keeping the madness from consuming me.
He was numbing the pain, at least for a little while.
“Conor’s going to be here anyway, Beck,” I said, the words rasping up my sore throat from the screaming and crying I’d already done today. “Would you rather have him waiting outside when Mickey comes, or in here?”
Beck glowered at me, hands fisted and mouth mashed together.
“Think it’s time,” Kieran added. When Beck’s glare snapped to him, Kieran loosened a sigh. “You’ve kept him in the dark for eleven years, Beck. All this shit is about to go down right in front of him, so he should be prepared for what’s really happening. What’s been happening.”
Beck’s head moved in rough nods before he let out a roar and turned toward the front door. He opened it with so much force it smacked off the wall with a loud crack. But the seconds that followed passed in eerie silence as Beck reached for the door, clenching it tight in his grip to shut it.
For how angry he’d just been, the soft click of the door when it closed seemed so out of place.
“He’s not fucking there,” he breathed, his phone already in his hand and thumb flying over the screen.
Kieran tensed and shifted me behind him as he quickly started pulling knives from his belt and pants.
“Was he there when you came?” Kieran was silent for so long that Beck snapped, “Kieran.”
“I don’t know.”
“What the fuck do you mean you don’t . . . Where are you?” Beck growled, relief pouring through his fear and frustration. A couple seconds passed before his shoulders sagged and he waved off Kieran. “All right, look. When you get back here, I need you to come into the guesthouse.”
“No,” I said quickly.
“No?” Beck echoed.
“I have to bring him in.” My eyes lifted to where Kieran was now staring at me curiously. “Mickey thinks he owns me. If he’s watching the camera, he needs to see me touch Conor and bring him in.”
The guys stared at me in silence. Beck with eyebrows raised, Kieran with a murderous look in his cold eyes.
“I was warned what would happen if I ever touched or seduced him. Mickey will come here,” I said confidently.
“Uh . . .” Beck cleared his throat. “You need to play along and let Jess bring you into the house. We’ll explain everything once you’re inside . . . All right.” He tapped his phone against his palm a few times after ending the call, his eyes on me. “Do you have to touch my brother?”
I rolled my eyes and moved past Kieran to sit down.
“It’s a question,” he said defensively.
I didn’t bother telling him I wouldn’t be touching Conor the way he thought.
I didn’t bother saying anything as I sank heavily in the chair.
There was a hole in my chest, growing wider and wider.
And it felt like I might drown in it.
Momma.
A strong hand gently fell to my chest, resting there in comfort and strength.
Silently trying to mend the chasm in my chest faster than it could spread.
“Okay, fine. Whatever,” Beck said. “Conor went to pick up something for you and was already headed back here from the garage. So, if Mickey is watching, this will make it better.”
“What did he pick up?”
Beck lifted his hands then let them fall to let me know he was in the dark as much as I was.
“I wasn’t looking for Conor or anyone else outside the house,” Kieran said, his voice hollow. “I didn’t even try to hide. I ran across the center of the property to get here.”
Beck’s stare and tone were full of disbelief. “Jesus fuck, dude.”
Kieran made a noise of agreement, but there was heaviness about it that made me think there was more to it than just running out in the open. There had been something like shame laced between the words of his confession . . . and I couldn’t figure out what Kieran would have to be ashamed about.
Beck gestured behind him when there was a knock on the door. “Looks like you’re up.”
I tried to force my impenetrable exterior as I stood and walked to the door.
Laughing eyes and twisted lips.
But my body was curling in on itself, so I knew there was a possibility I looked as destroyed as I felt when I answered the door and stepped out onto the porch.
Conor gave me a weak smile. “I, uh, went and got you something.” His eyes searched behind me, to where I was sure both Kieran and Beck were waiting unseen.
I opened my mouth to say something . . . anything. But my throat was so tight I was sure the only thing that would come out was a strangled cry.
I forced my mouth into what I hoped was a seductive grin and reached out to press the tips of my fingers to his chest.
His brow pulled low and pinched, but he didn’t question what I was doing or shift away, even when I flattened my palm and ran it over his shoulder and down his arm, tangling my fingers with his to pull him into the house with me.
As soon as he shut the door behind us, I dropped his hand and walked to Kieran, noting how his jaw was locked and his eyes were narrowed on Conor.
“Stop,” I managed to whisper before falling into the chair I’d been occupying.
Conor was shifting his weight from foot to foot where he stood next to Beck, and after clearing his throat, he said, “Dude, please don’t kill me. I don’t know what’s going on.” He gestured to me with the bag in his hand, his eyes on the man behind me. “She’s pretty, but there’s nothing going on. I’ve just been guarding the house, I swear to God. I already heard you last night. You made it clear she was yours.”
“Might as well stop while you’re behind,” Beck mumbled to his brother.
I lifted my hand to smack Kieran’s stomach. “Stop,” I repeated.
Conor watched Kieran for a few more seconds before looking at the bag warily. “Uh, so this might be a bad idea now.” With a rush of air out, he walked over to the coffee table and set the bag down before taking a large Styrofoam bowl out of it. “A girl used to live here—”
“She knows who Lily is,” Beck said as he snatched at the empty bag to look inside.
Conor’s confused stare bounced from me to Kieran before he started talking again, unease coating his words. “All right. Well, she used to send me out for ice cream when she had bad days. When Beck came earlier, I figured you’d be okay if I left for a bit.”
I took the bowl from his outstretched hand, my eyes filling with tears as a real smile spread across my face.
“She said it made everything better.”
A breath of a laugh tumbled from my lips. “I can’t remember the last time I had ice cream.”
“Really?” Conor asked as he put more distance between us than was necessary.
I spared a quick glance at Beck’s chagrined expression and lifted a shoulder in a shrug. “Money was tight.”
Conor nodded slowly, like he understood.
I didn’t bother to think of all the ways he couldn’t possibly understand what my life had been like, I just took the top off the bowl and stared at the priceless gift in my hands for a few moments. Curling myself into a ball on the chair, I dug my spoon in and took a bite, trying not to moan when the creaminess hit my tongue.
I quickly took another bite and pointed at Conor with my spoon. “If there was anything in the world that could make everything better . . . it might be this.”
He offered me another weak smile. “I’m sorry about your mom.”
The pain hit like a punch to my chest. I took another bite.
Kieran settled himself on the arm of the chair so he was pressed against my shoulder, and exhaled slowly. “Everyone’s working. We need a couple of our guys to come back and take Jessica’s mom to the morgue.” He tapped on my arm and waited until I nodded in agreement before continuing. “Call a couple more and have them get rid of the ghost’s body.”
“Body?” Conor asked, nearly choking on the word. “When did he die?”
“When I killed him,” Kieran said unapologetically. “But just because he’s gone doesn’t mean we’re safe . . . there’s still Mickey. I want you to stay in here until he’s dead.”
Conor’s face fell. “You want me to stay here . . . what, guarded? Like Lily and Jessica? I can defend myself, man. I can fight too. I don’t need to be fucking protected,” he said sternly, then held a hand out toward me in apology. “No offense.”
I slowly removed the spoon from my mouth, looking from Conor to Beck then back again. “You think I was in here and you stood guard because I can’t defend myself? Because I need to be fucking protected?”
He looked lost, but I could tell that was exactly what he’d thought.
For a brief moment, I wondered what his expression would look like if I informed him men had to drug and sedate me in order to control me.
I took another bite of ice cream instead.
“It’s not his fault,” Kieran murmured so low his voice wouldn’t carry to the brothers. When he spoke again, his voice was louder and full of authority. “I wouldn’t have trusted their lives with you if I didn’t think you could defend yourself, Conor, but to keep you safe, there’s a lot you were never told. And right now, you’re still Mickey’s biggest target. We need to keep that target from him.”
“How the hell do you call the shit I’ve been through keeping me safe?”
Beck finally stepped forward. “It wasn’t, but it was the best we could do.” He jerked his head in Kieran’s and my direction and said, “I asked Kieran to give you the safest jobs. I never wanted this life for you.”
“What are you talking about?” he yelled. “You’re the one who told me Holloway would save us.”
Beck laughed miserably. “Yeah, well . . . back when we were on the streets and I was fighting, I fought a Holloway dealer and won what should’ve been Mickey’s cut. Mickey approached me a few days later before another fight, demanding I give the money back. I told him to fuck off and walked away. He was laughing like my response was the funniest damn thing he’d ever heard. The next fight, he was there again. He told me about Holloway and said he wanted both of us in, and to think really hard before I answered.” He jerked his chin toward Kieran and said, “I looked up and saw this fucking scary bastard standing next to you, eyes pinned on you like he was waiting for someone to unleash him.”
Conor looked betrayed and stunned. He stumbled to one of the chairs and sat heavily in it, his wide stare on the floor.
“I promised you when Mom and Dad died I’d take care of you. You were only thirteen, and we’d already been on the streets for almost two years. This was a place to live. Food. Money. And, shit, I didn’t want you to fucking die.” Beck raked his hands through his hair, his face exhausted. “As soon as we got here, Kieran and Aric pulled me aside to make sure I never fell for Mickey’s bullshit. And they promised to take care of us no matter what.”
It was painfully silent in the seconds after Beck’s confession. It felt like a bomb was about to go off, but for once, my madness wasn’t craving it.
I watched Conor for at least a minute before resting my feet on the floor and standing to go to him. Holding out the half-eaten ice cream, I said, “I’ve heard it makes everything better.”
He huffed a laugh and took it from me, nodding in appreciation when I went back to my chair. With a deep sigh, he sat back in his seat and slanted a glare at his brother. “What else?”
The next thirty minutes were spent with Beck and Kieran telling Conor everything he hadn’t known. Kieran’s jobs. The rebellion against Mickey between Kieran, Aric, Beck, and Dare. Details about the years Lily spent running away to be with Dare. What had really happened when Dare screwed Kieran and Beck over in the end, and how they were now waiting to finish what they’d started years ago. And how I’d come into play. Who I was and what I meant to Kieran, Beck, and Mickey.
That part had been fun.
I’d fallen asleep clinging to Kieran’s hand when the conversation shifted into the plans for taking down Mickey, and was woken later to the sound of the front door shutting.
I looked at the three guys standing in a circle, talking in hushed tones as I stretched from where I’d been curled up in the chair, and froze when Kieran suddenly looked over his shoulder at me. His stare was hard and unreadable.
Before I could apologize for interrupting, he broke away from Beck and Conor and sank down to a crouch in front of me.
“Did something happen with Mickey?”
He shifted his head in the slightest denial. “I don’t have a way of tracking him from here. I have people who will contact me if they see him, but so far, there’s been nothing.”
“So, what’s the plan?”
“Wait until we have an idea where he is. Hope he comes back to Holloway.”
“Welcome home,” I murmured with a wry grin.
But Kieran wasn’t amused. His eyes searched mine for a few moments before he said, “They just came and got your mom.”
That hole ripped wider and stole my breath.
His expression morphed to concern. “Did you want to see her—?”
“No. No, I just . . . I don’t know how to let this be real.” I rubbed at my aching eyes then ran my fingers through my hair, hating how it felt.
Hating how I felt.
Hating that last night, I’d been pressed against AJ, terrified of the nightmares he brought with him. And then this morning, I’d woken against my dead mother.
A hazy vision tore through my mind, stilling my body.
A beautiful, vicious man.
My man.
“I want to kill you for every time you ever touched her. Once will have to do.”
“Did you . . .” I began uncertainly, my voice as soft as a whisper. “Did you kill AJ?”
Kieran was so surprised his head jerked back. His pale eyes searched mine for long seconds before he finally asked, “You don’t remember?”
“I just . . . I just got a flash of last night.”
He curled his hands around my face and leaned close. “He’s gone, Chaos.”
My shoulders slumped and tears raced heavily down my cheeks.
“He’ll never touch you again,” he said gently. “He’s gone. The ghost is gone. And soon, Mickey will be too.”
I let my forehead fall to his and sat there for long minutes. “Thank you,” I breathed, my voice wavering. I sat back and wiped at my face just as a phone chimed. And then again and again.
Kieran glanced behind him at the sound, and it took a few seconds for me to notice the tension quickly filling the room or that he had gone still.
I leaned forward to reach for Kieran, but he stood and shifted away. His head tilted like he was listening for something—waiting for it—while the guys eyed each other with varying looks of confusion and apprehension.
None of them had phones in their hands.
Before I could ask what was happening, Beck gave a slight shake of his head and lifted his empty hands, and Kieran ground out, “Find it.”
I watched as all three started tearing apart the room. Within a minute, Conor made some kind of noise that got the others’ attention and tossed a phone in Kieran’s direction.
“There’s a lock on it,” he murmured and held the phone out for Beck. “But look at the number the messages are from.”
I jolted when I saw the case, standing and reaching for it from where I was across the room. “That’s mine.”
I glanced from the phone to Conor, and wondered if my phone had been on the entry table since the night I’d been dragged in here.
No, I would’ve seen it.
The slowness in which they all turned to look at me had me immediately halting.
“You have a phone?” Kieran asked, his tone cold.
Something that could have been helpful to any of the guys when they were sure Mickey was watching their phones. Something that could’ve eased worries and fears for Kieran during these last days while I’d been trapped in the guesthouse.
“No. I mean, I do.” I let out a frustrated groan and waved my hand toward the phone still in his hand. “I do, but I haven’t seen it in weeks. Mickey snatched it when I first agreed to help him. I was supposed to get it back when I got what he needed. Mickey never got the flash drive, so I never got my phone.”
Kieran ground his jaw and held the phone toward me, his hand clenched around it. “He’s texting you.”
I looked from Kieran to the phone as I walked cautiously toward him. Taking the phone from his grasp, I unlocked it and opened the messages.
I stared, my mind unable to understand what I was seeing as time slowed to a standstill.
And then everything was crumbling around me, rushing in as darkness consumed me.
See nothing.
Hear nothing.
Be nothing.
Make it go away.