Chapter 26
Melissa
“Ava, my mind is spinning.”
“What’s going on? Are you all right? Is Sarah all right?”
My mind was bouncing all over the place. Every single night since Brandon had left, we’d talked. He would call, and we would talk about our days. I’d tell him how Sarah was doing, and he’d tell me how the interviews and appearances were coming along. I watched his television interview with him on the phone, and I picked at him for some of the responses he gave. It was refreshing, having him in my ear during the lonely night hours after Sarah had fallen asleep.
But I hadn’t heard from him last night, and now he wasn’t answering my text messages.
“Are you sure he’s not just busy?” Ava asked.
“I don’t know. This is what happened when he left for college. We talked, we wrote, and he’d come see me on campus. Then it just stopped,” I said.
“Have you told him this?”
I didn’t know if I could. On one hand, it was only two nights. He was on a book tour, and he was busy with appearances and interviews and bantering with his audience.
But on the other hand …
“No,” I said.
“Well, maybe you should. What he did to you had a massive impact on the woman you grew into. As a doctor, he’ll understand that,” she said.
“I’m just glad Sarah’s not here to see me wound up like this,” I said.
“Where is she?”
“With her grandparents. She was missing them. Saturday cartoons have kind of become her and grandpa’s thing.”
“Well, Logan’s with his father. Want me to come over?” she asked.
“That going well?” I asked.
“It’s going as well as can be expected. We aren’t romantic or anything, but he’s stepped up with Logan. I came home from work the other day, and he had picked Logan up from school early to spend time with him.”
“How did that roll over with you?” I asked.
“I mean, it’s wonderful they’re spending time together, but I had to tell him it couldn’t be at the expense of his schooling. We’re going to sit down sometime next week and figure out some sort of arrangement, so he can be sure he’s got Logan during certain times.”
“That’s wonderful that you two are getting along with this. Just don’t be afraid to hire a mediator if things go south, all right?”
“I know, I know. As of right now, things are okay. I promise,” she said.
“As far as coming over, why don’t we go out? Neither of us has the kids and a drink out sounds kind of nice.”
“You haven’t showered in a while, have you?” she asked.
“Shut up and just say yes.”
“I’ll come by in an hour to pick you up. Dress yourself up nicely. If we’re gonna go out, we’re gonna do it right.”
Going out would get my mind off how much it was whirling. I knew I was spiraling, I could feel it. It was like another voice in my head was chirping at me. Another version of me that was trying to shove me out of the way. Having a couple of drinks with my best friend and distracting myself with music could go a long way in helping me to feel better.
And get away from my phone.
Ava showed up looking beautiful, and the two of us headed out to a bar downtown. We paid the cover charge to listen to some idiotic band before we took a seat at a small table in the corner. Before we knew it, we had two cosmos in our hands and were gossiping about our weeks. We were pointing out hot men walking in from the street and bitching about the shit our kids had pulled this week, but the moment my third drink was placed in front of me, I felt a rant coming on.
“He’s been acting funny ever since we had phone sex.”
“Wait, what?” Ava asked.
“Yeah. Like, I fucking missed him, right? And he looked so damn good on that camera.”
“How the hell could you keep something like this from me? Spill it all.”
“He was so sexy on that screen. Him jerking himself off? Yes, please. His cock looked massive in his hands, and his hands are huge,” I said.
“Oh, girl. You are so lucky. That’s some freaky shit right there. I miss the freaky shit.”
“I had my legs propped up so he could see it all and everything. I even busted out Carlos.”
“Holy shit, sparkling pink Carlos made an appearance?” she asked.
“And it felt wonderful. I’ve never seen come shoot that far up a man’s body before in my life,” I said. “And the shit coming out of my mouth was insane. I think at one point in time, I told him I wanted him to stuff me full of my dildo while he fucked me at the other end.”
“Holy shit, Melissa, way to go!”
“But our conversation Thursday night was a bit short and clipped, and then he didn’t call at all Friday. And you can obviously see how tonight went.”
“And you think it has something to do with the phone sex,” Ava said.
“Or maybe he found someone else to be with. Someone better. You know he married that Russian chick because her father paid him to?”
“What? You’ve been fucking holding out on me, Melissa.”
“Yeah. He invested the money, and that’s what he used to build his business here in L.A. Maybe someone else has cut him a deal he can’t refuse.”
I could feel my anger and frustration already boiling in my blood. I was drunker than I’d intended on getting, but I threw back the last of my drink anyway before I slid from the stool.
“He’s probably just busy and shit,” Ava said as she slid from her seat. “But if it’s bugging you this much, be straight up with him. What’s the worst that could happen? You’ve already lost him once.”
“Thanks for that reminder, dickhead.”
“You know what I’m saying.”
“Can we just get out of here?” I asked.
Ava got me home, and I stumbled into my house. The room was tilting, and my stomach was churning, so I flopped down onto the couch and closed my eyes. My mind was full of so many things I wanted to say to Brandon, and I knew the only way I was going to have the courage to say them was to call him.
That night.
His phone rang and rang and rang, and with each ring, I grew angrier and angrier. I bet he was fucking some other woman. Some other pale-skinned beauty with long legs and smooth skin. No stretch marks and tight little thighs. I bet she had dainty feet he was massaging after he plowed into her.
I bet she didn’t suck his cock like I did.
“You’ve reached the voice mail of Dr. Brandon Black. Leave a message and I’ll get back to you the moment I can.”
“Brandon,” I said. “It’s me. Melissa. You know, phone sex girl. I don’t—”
I felt myself about to vomit, and I took a deep breath. I swallowed hard, trying to keep my tears at bay as my hands began to shake. There were so many things I wanted to spew. There were so many things I wanted to say. So many memories were piling to the forefront of my mind, and I could feel my breathing becoming shallow.
It was now or never.
“I don’t know why you’ve dropped off the face of the earth again, but I just wanted to tell you to give me more respect than that. If you got some girl’s legs wrapped around you, cool. Just tell me. Don’t come showing up on my fucking doorstep with some other, more beautiful woman on your arm. I won’t be able to handle it this time. Just be upfront with me, tell me you met someone better, and leave. You were good at it once, but that doesn’t mean you get to do it again.”
I felt my stomach lurch again as I burped. I knew I was going to be sick. I knew I was going to spend my entire night on my knees with my head in the toilet.
But I had to do this.
I had to say it.
“I loved you back then. And I’m scared to love you now. Especially with having that fabulous phone sex and then noth—”
“To send your message, press one or hang up the line. To delete and start over, press two.”
“Fuck!”
I hung up the phone before I rolled off the bed. I crawled my way to the bathroom, holding back my vomit until I could get my mouth over the edge. Dinner came up. The cosmos came up. Stomach bile burned my throat as my knees dug into the cold ceramic. Tears were streaming down my face as my hair fell into the toilet, and for the first time in my life, I felt as if I’d hit rock bottom.
It was dark at the bottom of this hole I’d dug for myself.
I vomited up everything in my stomach until I was doing nothing but heaving on the floor. I laid down, my vomit-covered hair sticking to my neck while I pressed my hot cheek against the cold floor. Tears pooled around my face as I curled up into a ball, shaking as I cried for what my life had become. I cried for my daughter who would never know the incredible man her father was. I cried for my parents who would never know of the beautiful granddaughter they had. I cried for my heart that had been shattered and broken and mangled and trashed.
And I cried for Brandon. For the life that could have been had I not allowed life to damage me as much as it did.
“Why is all this happening?” I sobbed. “Why can’t I get better?”
I sobbed so hard, in fact, that I didn’t even hear my phone ring out in the other room.
I cried so hard I wasn’t aware that Brandon was trying to call me back.