Chapter 6
Emma
“I had this cabbie one time, before I moved to Manhattan, who told me he gave lifts to at least two gunshot victims a week,” he said. “I thought I was crazy for living in a city like that, but when I look out at the cityscape, there’s something about it that makes me love being here.”
I sat back listening to Brandt’s stories about living in the city, thinking about how I couldn’t believe I was there talking to such a handsome man. His brown eyes glimmered as he talked, and his perfectly groomed brown hair seemed to lie down in the right places on its own. He was tall and muscular, and his arms looked like they could wrap me up and never let me go. I glanced over his shoulder and saw Gillian and Caroline staring at us, whispering excitedly to each other. They both gave me the thumbs up, and I had to force myself not to giggle, not wanting to draw attention to them. They were ridiculous, but I would have done the same thing to either one of them.
I tried my best to ignore them, shifting my eyes from them back to Brandt. Finally, a rescue swooped in, and I watched the girl’s attention drawn to a good-looking guy who had just walked up to Caroline. He looked like he was asking her to dance, and she shrugged, pulling Gillian along with her and heading to the dance floor. Caroline was never a big dancer, but she made exceptions when it came to a hot guy or when she had way too much to drink and didn’t care what other people thought about her.
“So, what do you do for a living in Camden?” he asked, bringing my attention back to him.
“I’m a graphic artist,” I said. “I work for a small firm in Camden. The only one actually. It’s just me and the owner.”
“So, you grew up in Camden and then stayed there after college?”
“Yeah,” I said, nodding. “I got offers from big cities, even one from here, but my best friends were staying in Camden, and I was in a relationship at the time with a local firefighter, so I came back home and got a job with my boss Greg. He really needed the help, and I really needed the job.”
“Are you still with this firefighter?”
“No,” I answered quickly, blushing. “We broke up.”
I left it at that, not wanting to get into the details of everything. I didn’t want him to know I was there to get over this guy. I was over him anyway. I just wasn’t over what happened between us, I guessed.
“What is Maine like?”
“Cold in the winter and hot in the summer.” I laughed at the wry look on his face. “Camden is quaint. The kind of place you grow generations of people in, and everyone knows one another. It’s a really beautiful place to live.”
“It sounds like it,” he said with a smile.
“What do you do?”
“I own a tech company,” he said. “We make computers for the government.”
“Oh, wow, that’s cool,” I said. “I work on Macs. Sorry.”
“Ha-ha,” he laughed. “We don’t sell to the private sector, not yet at least.”
We kept ordering drinks, talking, and having a good time. I was drinking so much that I was starting to feel a bit light-headed. I was enjoying it, though, letting loose for the first time in a long time. I was glad Brandt was there to spend the time with. He had a really great personality, and it meshed with mine perfectly.
“Do you want to get out of here? We can go back to my place where it’s quieter,” he said. “I have some champagne, and we can continue our conversation. I understand if not. I know you just met me, but since you aren’t from here and I suppose you’re leaving soon, I don’t want to miss out on the chance to spend time with you. I swear that’s not a line.”
I laughed and smiled at him, glancing over at the girls behind him. He was right, I didn’t know him, I was in a strange city, and I had heard the horror stories of New York before, but for some reason, I trusted him. I was there to do the unexpected, and I needed to let loose and do it all the way.
“Sure.” Time to throw caution to the wind. “Let’s do that. Let me just pay my tab and start the girls a new one.”
“Allow me,” he said, signaling for the bartender and bending toward him. “This is for my tab, and if you could, run the card for her and her friends’ tab and keep it open for them. Just run my card at the end of the night and add a twenty percent gratuity.”
“Yes, sir,” he said, walking over to the computer.
It was extremely generous of him because those drinks weren’t cheap, and I knew the girls would be thrilled. He paid the tab, and we made our way to the coat check and then out into the crisp New York air. I was impressed when a town car pulled up and the driver opened the door for us. We sped through the city to a very tall high-rise complex where the driver dropped us off in front. We got into a special elevator and rode it all the way to the top. When I walked into the apartment, I felt like I was in an issue of Cribs. The floors were beautiful hardwood, the open floor plan had cathedral ceilings, and the recessed living room faced a wall of windows that looked out over the city.
I turned around at the sound of a champagne bottle popping and laughed as he poured us a couple of glasses, the excess overflowing onto the marble countertops. We went down to the living room and sat next to each other, laughing and talking. When I was finished with my glass, he looked at me and smiled, taking it from my hand and setting it on the coffee table. He hesitated for a moment, as if he was trying to decide what he should do, and then cupped my face in his hands and pressed his lips against mine. The smell of his cologne and the softness of his lips pulled me in, and I leaned forward, wrapping my arms around his neck.
What started as a soft kiss quickly turned heated, and he wrapped one arm around my waist and picked me up, my feet dangling as he carried me up out of the living room and down the hall into his bedroom. He closed the door behind him and set me down on the ground, running his fingers over my shoulders. I untied his bow tie and unbuttoned his shirt, pulling it open and trailing my fingers down his hard chest. He smiled, pulling his jacket and shirt off and pulling the straps of my dress down my arms until my breasts were exposed. I let my dress drop off my hips into a pile at my feet, stepping out and backing up until my legs felt the bed. I looked him in the eyes and sat down, pulling my head back on the pillow. He unbuckled his pants and took the rest of his clothes off, his cock hard and at attention.
He climbed toward me on the bed and pulled my black lace panties off, tossing them to the side. He leaned forward and ran his lips down my stomach and slowly pulled my thighs apart. I could feel the bubbles of the champagne going to my head as I leaned my head back and closed my eyes. I gasped as his fingers pulled my folds apart and his tongue slid seductively through my juices. He rubbed it up my pulsing mound and around my clit, flickering it over my skin. I grabbed tightly to the bedspread beneath me, a whimper coming from my chest. He pulled his hand up and slid two fingers inside of me, still lapping at my pussy, burning a raging fire in my stomach.
I opened my eyes and lifted my head just in time to see his eyes gazing up from between my legs. Immediately, he started to move faster, finger fucking me deep and hard, his mouth moving through my canyons with passion. I cried out, arching my chest into the air as my body began to tense. I lifted my hips from the bed and ground them against his face, feeling the pressure of his mouth against my skin. It was so hot, so erotic, and I couldn’t control myself any longer. My head tilted back, and I took in a deep breath letting the orgasm explode through my body. Waves of passion flittered over me like a shockwave, and when I couldn’t hold my breath any longer I moaned it out, my thighs shaking around his face.
My body relaxed back into the bed, and I ran my hands up to my breasts massaging them as he pulled himself up and crawled over me. He smiled, wiping the juices from his chin as he hovered over me, pulling my legs up to his sides. He leaned down and kissed me passionately, running his tongue through my mouth. He reached down and guided his shaft through my juices and pressed his hips forward, sliding slowly inside of me. I breathed deeply, enjoying the intensity of his giant cock pushing as far into me as it could. My hands gripped onto his back, and I ran my fingernails down his spine.
He looked deeply into my eyes, reaching back and grabbing my thigh as he pushed into me farther and pulled back out, repeating the process in a slow, deliberate way. The intensity between us was thick, and I had never felt that kind of passion and lust with a man before. I wanted to look away, but I couldn’t, I was entranced by his eyes. His pace quickened, but our eyes stayed locked, and I moved my hips like a wave against him as his body met mine. Our rhythm synced, and I screamed out, breaking eye contact as I tilted my head back and moaned with every push. Our bodies smoothed over one another’s, and I felt my climax returning. He groaned, too intent on our lovemaking to think of anything else. As his fingers dug into my thighs, my body jolted, and I came hard, my pussy tightening around his shaft as my juices flowed over him. He growled, pushing into me deep and holding me tightly as his cock pulsed against me, shooting his hot seed. His body shivered, and we lay panting, letting the waves of orgasm wash over us.
When we had relaxed, he turned over on his back next to me and pulled me close to him. I smiled at him, looking at the sweat glisten on his chest. I ran my hand over his skin and tilted my chin up, kissing him softly.
“I’m going to get a glass of water,” I said, watching him yawn.
“I can get it,” he said.
“No, rest. I’ll be right back.” I smiled.
I got out of the bed and looked back at him, walking carefully out of his room and into the kitchen. I found the glasses right above the sink and filled it with water, standing there smiling and sipping my drink. There were pictures all over his fridge, so I walked over and took a look. There was him, with a little girl smiling at the camera. He must be a father, which was okay with me. However, as I scanned the other pictures, I saw a woman who was obviously Sicily’s mother holding her when she was a baby. Panic flooded through me, realizing that there was more to this man than I thought. The last thing I wanted to be was a homewrecker like Alex and his girlfriend. That wasn’t who I was.
I put the glass in the sink and walked back to the room, but he was asleep when I got there. I quietly got dressed and grabbed my shoes, scurrying back to the living room to grab my purse and coat. I was mortified and just wanted to get out of there. I grabbed my bag but immediately dropped it, spilling the contents including all of my old business cards on the floor. I quickly scooped everything back into my bag and headed out of the apartment. As I shut the door behind me, I shook my head, realizing that throwing caution to the wind may have been the worst decision I could have made.
Chapter 7
Brandt
“Good morning, Brandt. It’s time to wake up,” the AI said.
“AI turn off,” I groaned, feeling the effects of the alcohol from the night before.
At first, I stared out the window, not moving, to clear the fog from my mind. Instantly, I remembered bringing Emma back to my place, and I turned over to find nothing but empty bed. I sat up trying to remember everything from the night before. The last thing I could think of before passing out from exhaustion and intoxication was Emma walking out of the room to get a glass of water. Her body was so perfect, and I smiled thinking about the curves of her hips and that perfect ass as she walked away. It was like a dream, especially since she wasn’t in the bedroom and her clothes weren’t on the floor. I looked under the covers to find myself naked, so I knew I hadn’t dreamed the whole thing.
I pulled myself out of the bed and grabbed onto the dresser, letting the dizziness move away. I was very hungover, and I needed some water and aspirin to head this thing off. I walked around the apartment trying to see if Emma had left me a note, her phone number, anything, but there was absolutely no trace that she was ever there except for the empty water glass in the sink with her lipstick on it. I walked over to the coffee maker and filled it with water, turning it on and leaning against the counter, feeling the sting of her absence. I grabbed my phone to find missed texts from Trevor from the night before, wondering where I had disappeared to. I shook my head and tossed my phone back up on the countertop, figuring I would call him later and give him the rundown of the evening’s events. He would definitely be proud of me that I’d left with a woman.
Normally, when I woke up to find the woman I’d slept with gone, I felt good knowing I wouldn’t have to sell some cheap lie about calling her later. This time, though, I hated that she left like that. I had such an amazing time with her, and I wanted more, something that hadn’t ever happened to me. I poured myself a cup of black coffee and pulled the aspirin from the cabinet, sitting down on the kitchen stool and taking two of them. I rubbed my face, groaning, wondering what I could have done for her to just disappear like that. She was the most beautiful woman I had ever met, and her personality was killer. She was the woman I’d always wanted to meet, even before I married my wife, but had figured she just didn’t exist. Usually, women that beautiful were stuck-up and only looking out for their own best interest.
I walked into the living room and leaned against the glass, sipping my coffee. It was a beautiful day in New York, and there wasn’t a cloud in sight. The hustle and bustle of the city was as it always was, only I felt like there was something missing. Emma had rocked my world, and I couldn’t grasp the idea of one woman moving me like that in just one night. Maybe it was the alcohol or the excitement of the night that had done it to me. Maybe it was not feeling so alone on the one day of the year that could drive single people to drink. Either way, when I thought of Emma’s smile and the way her body moved in my bed, tingles rumbled in my stomach. I growled and walked back across the living room, grabbing the empty champagne glasses and setting them in the sink. I looked at the pictures on the fridge and shook my head, remembering what it felt like when my ex had walked out on me and Sicily. That sting immediately pushed the butterflies away.
Emma had been beautiful, charming, and perfect in every way I could imagine, but she was a woman, and I had found that, in itself, made it hard for me to even give it another thought. She had left without a word, without a note, just like my ex had. All women were the same. I had been right about my theory, and I decided it was probably better that she’d taken off while I was asleep. I washed the glasses in the sink and dried them off, setting them back in the wet bar. I took in a deep breath, still smelling the remnants of Emma’s perfume on my skin and feeling the disappointment in my chest. I needed to get out of the apartment to clear my head and remember that the night before was all for fun. I had achieved that objective. It was time to let it go and just remember the fun I had instead of growing some strange attachment to this woman. I picked up my phone and dialed my mom.
“Hey there, you,” she said. “How was last night?”
“Fun,” I said, keeping the details to a minimum.
“Good,” she said. “I was hoping you’d let loose and have a good time.”
“Yeah.” I chuckled. “Not something I’ll do all the time, but it was nice. Hey, I have some errands to run and things I want to get taken care of. Do you think you could watch Sicily for the day?”
“Sure,” she said happily. “She’s still asleep.”
“Really? She’s usually up with the sun.”
“I think she partied herself into a sugar coma.” Mom laughed. “She missed you, but she had a blast making cookies, watching movies, and staying up later than she probably should have. You know me. I have a soft spot for her.”
“You’re supposed to. You’re her grandma,” I said, laughing. “I’m glad she had fun, though. Tell her I love her, and I’ll see her at dinnertime, okay?”
“Yep, have a good day sweetie,” she said before hanging up.
I put my phone down and hopped in the shower, washing off the remnants of the night before. When I was done, I brushed my teeth and pulled on some jeans and a sweater, lacing up my boots as I sat on the edge of the messy bed. I pulled on my wool coat and gloves and headed out of the apartment. I took a cab to Central Park since I lived some ways away and got out, taking in a deep breath of the fresh air. Going for a walk had always cleared my head, and that was exactly what I needed to do right then. I strolled through the park, grimacing at the couples walking hand in hand. It still felt like Valentine’s Day, and I hated it, more today than I did the day before.
I walked to the ice rink in the park and sat down on the bench, watching the skaters move across the ice. There were people who could glide with ease, and there were others barely making it across the slippery surface. They would be taking the ice off the rink soon, letting it settle for the rollerbladers who would frequent the place in the warmer weather. I leaned back and thought about Emma, about how she looked and how beautiful she was standing under the lights of the dancefloor. I had completely stopped talking to that other girl midsentence, not even noticing when she walked away in irritation. I hadn’t cared, though, not at that moment. I had been too enticed by that beauty in the sequined dress. She had made me stop in time right then, and it only had gotten better when we sat down and talked. It was like I had known her my whole life. She was so easy to talk to, and we’d immediately started to tell each other all about our lives.
I couldn’t understand how she couldn’t have felt that way too. I couldn’t understand what would have made her bolt like that and not even want to leave me information to contact her. Maybe it was because she was on vacation, but still, if I were in her shoes, I would have hoped she would have called me anyway. I was more than irritated and not just at Emma. I was irritated that the one time I went out and found someone I actually liked, I couldn’t keep her in my apartment, much less in my life. Women were ruling my world and bringing me to my knees, and I was damn tired of it.
What I needed to do, and I had told myself before I left the apartment, was forget about Emma. Chalk her up to a good lay, and move on with my life. I swore to myself after my ex left that I would never again get myself in a situation where I was distracted by a woman. Still, there I was, sitting on a bench in Central Park, my mind not able to let Emma go. I had thought about her all morning, through the entire cab ride, and then during the entire time I was trying to clear my head. Emma lived in a different world, a world of hometown goodness, small lives, big dreams, and people who cared who she was. I lived in New York City where you didn’t know your neighbor, and you could be robbed at gunpoint in the middle of the street and no one would bat an eye. She had no idea how my life was, and I had no idea how hers was either. It was probably for the best that I didn’t see her again. We would have never worked out coming from two completely different places.
I sat there on the bench placating myself, telling myself I had done the right thing and I was lucky to not have to deal with another woman in my life. People came and went past me and through the park until the sun was high in the sky. I watched a couple dance across the ice, moving and skating in motion with each other. You could almost see the connection between them as they gazed into each other’s eyes. There was nothing but trust as he tossed her in the air, watching her spin and land perfectly. People around them clapped, skating to the side to watch them finish their routine. From the outside, they looked like this perfect couple, but I knew that didn’t exist. It was just for show.
I stood up and started to walk away, heading back to the entrance where I had come in. I shook my head and shoved my hands in my pockets. I was tired of all the bullshit, of the drama, and of relationships. Love was a load of shit, and if I didn’t know that before, I knew it now, thanks to Emma.
Chapter 8
Emma
“Huh?” I groaned, jolting awake on my bed in the hotel room.
The girls were banging on the door, and I was sprawled out sideways on the bed. My head was pounding from the amount of alcohol I had consumed the night before. I remembered thinking of how drunk I still was on my cab ride back to the hotel and then getting to my room, changing into a pair of knit shorts and a T-shirt and passing out on the bed. I should have drunk water, but when I lay down, I just wanted the world to stop spinning under my feet. The night before had been an interesting one, that was for damn sure. I had gotten out of Brandt’s place as quickly as I could, feeling like an asshole for sleeping with a married father. God, I was no better than the whore Alex was sleeping with behind my back, worse even since Alex and I weren’t even married.
I pulled myself to my feet, rubbing my head and stumbling over to the door. I pulled it open and groaned, stumbling back into the living room and falling onto the couch. The girls piled into the room, taking survey of the space around them to make sure there was no one else there. They sat down in the chairs and looked at each other, smirks across their faces. I was pretty sure they had an idea of what happened the night before, and though I was not in the mood to talk, or be alive for that matter, I knew I was going to have to answer a bunch of questions from them. I disappeared from a party in the middle of a huge city that I didn’t live in, and then I ignored their texts all night long. There was one of two reasons that could happen, so since I was still alive and not being made into a lampshade, that only left one other option.
“You look like you’re suffering.” Caroline chuckled.
“I had too many Pancreases last night,” I grumbled.
“What? Are you still drunk?”
“I wish.” I pulled myself into a sitting position. “Pancreas, it was Cupid’s Pancreas, the drink I downed like water last night. I think it was vodka and soda but I’m not sure. I just know my head feels like it was put through a meat grinder.”
“Here. Take these.” Gillian handed me aspirin and water.
“Thanks.” I took them quickly and sat back to finish the entire bottle of water.
“Sooo, where’d ya go last night?” Caroline asked, looking at her nails.
I looked over at her with squinted eyes. “I think you know the answer to that.”
“We want to know all about this guy.” Gillian scooted forward in her chair as if there were a show to watch. “Who was he, what was he like, and what happened between you two? You know, give us the details.”
“His name is Brandt,” I said, sighing. “He was really nice, funny, sarcastic like me even. We talked all evening, drinking, laughing, having a good time. We went back to his place, drank a little more, and then had really hot sex in his bedroom. It was a release, a separation from the stress, but with someone I felt incredibly comfortable with, someone who made me feel like I could trust him. I don’t know how to describe it, something in his eyes I guess.”
“That sounds really romantic,” Gillian said with her mouth hanging open.
“Uh, yeah,” Caroline replied. “I’m so glad you met him. That sounds like exactly what you needed. Did you get his number? Are you going to stay in touch with him after this?”
“I’m not done.” I shook my head and looked down. “After the sex, I got out of bed to get a glass of water. I was standing in the kitchen, almost reveling in my nativity like an idiot. I walked over to the fridge and realized he had a little girl. That’s no big deal. Many people have children. However, on that same fridge was pictures of the little girl with her mother, and all three of them together when the girl was a baby. She was wearing a wedding ring and so was he in the pictures.”
“Oh God,” Gillian said. “What did you do?”
“I went back to face him, to tell him how I thought about him, but he was passed out,” I said. “So, I gathered my things and got out of there as fast as I could, not looking back. I took a cab back here, changed my clothes, and passed out on the bed.”
“I’m sorry,” Gillian said.
“I’m not,” Caroline replied. “Don’t look at me that way. You had no idea he was married. He lied to you. You need to forget about it, dust yourself off, and stop beating yourself up for no reason. Think about it as having a good time on vacation, where you vacated your life for one night. This does not need to be a big deal. I love you. Don’t let it bring you down further.”
“I feel like a hypocrite,” I said angrily.
“Emma, I think Caroline is right,” Gillian said. “You had no idea, and now you’re using this to pull yourself down. Its noble to feel this way, but let it go and remember the hot sex and good conversation and leave it at that.”
“Maybe you’re right,” I said, trying to please them. “Maybe I should just be glad for having such a good time.”
“Good,” Caroline said. “Now get dressed and meet us in the lobby. We’re going exploring!”
“All right.” I smiled, walking them to the door. “Be down in a few.”
I shut the door and stood there, feeling the same as I did when I’d seen the pictures. Maybe they could let something go like that, but I couldn’t. It was too hard. I sighed and jumped in the shower, washing the remnants of the night before down the drain. I was happy to smell the floral scent of my shampoo. It got rid of the smell of Brandt’s cologne. I got out of the shower and dried my hair, scrunching it and then pulling it back into a loose braid. I pulled on some jeans, a sweater, boots, and my wool coat, hoping I wasn’t going to be too cold. The shower helped the hangover, and now I was feeling hungry.
When I got downstairs to the lobby, Gillian handed me a bagel and smiled, putting her arm around my shoulders. I knew she got why I was upset, but I understood Caroline’s point of view as well. I was just going to try to enjoy the day and not let this ruin my vacation with the girls. We started out walking all over the city, stopping in shops, laughing at Caroline for buying so much, and tasting pretty much every food on the way. I was going to gain fifty pounds in New York, but I didn’t care. I was just having fun. It was almost unreal walking between the huge buildings that shot straight up into the sky. I felt like a tiny ant making my way along the city streets, lost in the maze of giants. Everything was so different in Camden, and the tallest building there was the church on Tucker Road with the high steeple and giant cross at the top. The church would have looked like nothing more than a shoebox inside New York’s towering walls.
Every window had a sign, every restaurant offered the best cup of coffee in the city, and every block had some sort of advertisement for clothes I would never be able to afford. It was luxurious and exotic to me, and I felt like my problems may not be as big as I felt they were back in Camden. There, everything seemed huge, but in the city, everything in life was dwarfed next to the stories of glass and steel. When Caroline had her fill of shopping, she called her driver and had him pick up the bags to take back to the hotel.
“I have an idea,” she said. “Let’s eat lunch in the park.”
“Which park?” Gillian looked at her map to find parks nearby.
“Central Park, silly,” she said, laughing. “There’s a restaurant there, and I’ve heard they have the best food. We can sit outside and take in the sights and sounds from inside the grass sanctuary.”
“I like that idea,” I said, putting my arm around her waist and reaching for Gillian.
“Why not?” Gillian said, smiling and catching up with us.
Caroline skipped ahead, and I walked along smiling, watching them lead the way. We were several blocks from the park’s main entrance, and I enjoyed the time, walking slowly as everyone sped past late for their lives. Everyone there was always in a hurry, but so was I back home. It only seemed more pronounced because there were so many of them. I looked in the different shop windows, stopped and smiled at a police officer on a horse, and watched sadly as a homeless man curled up on steaming grate to catch an afternoon nap. I felt like I was visiting another planet. Everything was so different from home, but despite the sights of poverty and dismay, I could understand why people fell in love with New York. It was an exciting place and definitely a city that never slept.
As I crossed the street to the park, I slowed down, watching people carrying skates down a set of stairs. I walked toward the railing and looked down at an ice rink. There were all kinds of people there from children to the elderly, making their way around the ice. I smiled, watching as the crowd parted to the side, giving one specific couple room. They danced across the ice, holding each other close, their eyes locked. I could see the passion in their eyes, the trust between the two of them as he lifted her and tossed, her body spinning until she gracefully touched back down. The crowd clapped and watched as they continued their dance. I had never seen anything like it except on television, and as a child, I had been mesmerized by the sight of it. I put one foot down, wanting to watch them finish.
“Emma,” Caroline called. “Come on. This way.”
“But look,” I said, turning back to the skaters.
“I know. They’ll be there all day.” Caroline laughed as she walked up and pulled me away.
I kept my eyes on them as long as I could, watching their graceful movements. As I turned my head back, I stopped, watching a tall, dark-haired man standing and walking away from the rink. For a moment, I could swear it was Brandt, his hand shoved into his jeans pockets and his wool coat fit snugly around his strong body. My heart fluttered at the thought of seeing him again. He walked off into the park in a hurry, and I looked back at Gillian who was waiting for me with a smile. I shrugged the thought away, remembering why I’d left without a note in the first place. Even if it was him, there was no use in bringing it back up. It was better left dead and buried.
I sighed and jogged to catch up with her, smiling as she wrapped her arms around my shoulders and kissed my cheek. I was so glad I had friends like them. They made everything in life more bearable. I put my hands in my pockets to keep them warm and walked toward the restaurant.
“You okay?”
“Yeah,” I said. “I just thought I saw someone.”
“Look, guys,” Caroline said, standing in front of a mime giggling.
I was in New York, even if only for one last day, and I was going to try to ignore the voice in the back of my head. My life was just starting, and I had to let myself live it.