Chapter 15
Brandt
It was the first Saturday in a while that I decided to just sit down and relax. I had my feet propped up on the coffee table, basketball on the television, and the house was quiet. My mom had taken Sicily out shopping for the day, leaving me home all alone. I loved being with my daughter, don’t get me wrong, but the idea of shopping for clothes with her and my mother in Jersey was like a real-life nightmare. I picked up the remote control and started flipping through the channels, not really interested in the game on the TV. There wasn’t much on in the middle of a Saturday, and I started to question why I even had cable. We never watched it, and when Sicily watched TV, she mostly went for documentaries on Netflix or something. Just as I was about to put the remote down, there was a knock on the door. I sighed, pulling myself off the couch, not feeling like dealing with company.
I set my beer on the counter and walked over, pulling the door open. There was Josie again with her hands up trying to calm me before I even said anything. I had an extremely high-tech security system, and I still hadn’t thought of looking at the video feed before opening the front door. I was starting to think I was sabotaging myself. I crossed my arms over my chest, reminding myself that the last thing I needed was to get into another argument. I needed to stay calm and cool no matter what she said. The days of Josie upsetting me were long over with, and I had to stop letting her affect my life.
“Brandt, before you turn me away, please hear me out,” she said.
I wanted to shut the door in her face again, to walk away and forget she was ever there, but I couldn’t. The look on her face told me she genuinely wanted to talk, and I was feeling generous and relaxed. I also knew if I didn’t hear her out, she would keep coming back to my house over and over. I sighed and then moved to the side, motioning for her to come in. She smiled and walked into the apartment, looking around at the changes that had been made since she’d left two years before.
“Have a seat in the living room,” I said. “Do you want some coffee?”
“No, thank you.” She headed farther into the room and sat down on the couch. “I won’t take a lot of your time.”
I poured myself a cup of coffee and walked in after her, sitting down in the chair and moved it to face her. I set the coffee down on the table and leaned forward, pressing my hands together. I was trying to be as nice as I could to my ex-wife, but it was really hard for me.
“What do you want to say? And I will tell you this beforehand, think about your words carefully. I don’t have unlimited patience today,” I said.
“I knew this from the moment I left, and I’ve been thinking about it every day. I felt like the more time that passed, the more impossible it would be for me,” she said. “I made a mistake leaving my daughter. I want to be in Sicily’s life.”
“You understand that Sicily was barely five when you left,” I said. “She has very little memory of you, if any at all. As each day passes, she has less and less memory of you. You’re a stranger to her, someone she doesn’t know like a long-lost aunt or distant family member. She isn’t the child who yearns to be with her mother. She never brings you up, she never talks about you, and the only reason she knows what you look like is that I left pictures of us on the fridge in case she had a question.”
“I know,” she said, putting her head down.
“Sicily was a baby, a baby who was put in the hands of a nanny for most of her infancy and then taken care of me and my mother as a child,” I said. “I know you don’t think two years is a long time because as adults, it isn’t, but that is a third of her life. Not to mention that for the year leading up to your disappearance, you were rarely ever home, running off to be with your secret boyfriend every chance you had.”
“Won’t you just think about it?”
“Even if I were to consider it, which I don’t know if I should, it really isn’t up to me or you, it’s up to Sicily,” I said. “With her not remembering you and her having come to terms long ago with you never coming back, I don’t know if she’ll have any interest in being around you. I haven’t talked bad about you, though. I’ve let your own mistakes speak for you. You don’t know that little girl anymore, and she doesn’t know you.”
“Maybe in time, she can know me,” she said, looking up as the door flew open.
Before I had time to even compute what we were talking about, Sicily came running full speed into the house, across the living room, and jumped into my lap. She took my face in her hands and kissed me, smiling excitedly. My mom walked through the door and stopped, raising an eyebrow and shutting the door behind her.
“I got the most beautiful dress for school,” she said, turning slowly and looking behind her.
Sicily climbed off my lap and took my hand into hers, pulling it up to her chest. She stared over at Josie, blinking as if she were making sure she wasn’t imagining things. She looked at me, and I let out a deep breath, seeing exactly where this was going. I thought about stopping it, from keeping the drama from exploding, but I knew Sicily had the right to face her mother and say whatever was in her head at that moment. She stood up straight and looked Josie in the eye.
“Mother,” she said firmly. “This is definitely a surprise.”
“Sicily,” she said, ignoring the fact that I was trying to cover up a smirk. “You remember me?”
“Only from the pictures my dad left up that I told him to take down months ago,” she said.
“I’m here to find out if you would be willing to get to know me again,” she said. “I’ve missed you, and I want us to be friends.”
“You’ve got to be kidding” Sicily put her hands sassily on her hips. “You left us, me and dad, and you ran off before you ever got to know me. I don’t want anything to do with you. I think you need to leave now.”
“Sicily, please.” Josie reached for her hand.
“No,” Sicily replied, pulling her hand away. “Leave now.”
“You poisoned her against me,” Josie said, grabbing her purse and standing up. “You made sure you continued to punish me, even after I realized my error. You’re a despicable human being, Brandt, and you will pay for this.”
“The only despicable person here is you,” Sicily snapped. “My father has done nothing wrong.”
Josie clenched her teeth together and stormed out, not even looking at my mother. She slammed the door behind her, and I looked up at Sicily. Sicily looked angry and even a little hurt. My mother winked and quietly left the apartment, letting me handle this with her.
“Sweetie, sit down,” I said. “That was a very brave thing for you to do. I want you to know, though, if you want to know your mother, you won’t hurt me. I understand you might be curious about who she is.”
“I’m not curious, Daddy,” she said. “It doesn’t matter who she is. I have you and Grandma. I don’t need her. She can’t come here and expect me to want someone around who never wanted me. I’m okay. Really. I love you for giving me the chance.”
“You are too wise,” I said, hugging her and smiling. “You know what we should do?”
“What?” she asked excitedly.
“What anyone should do on a cold March day in New York,” I said. “We should go get ice cream.”
“Yes!” She threw her arms in the air.
“Go grab your jacket.” I laughed.
We left the apartment and headed over two blocks to her favorite frozen yogurt place. We got big cups of ice cream with all the toppings and sat down in the corner of the restaurant. I watched Sicily stare down at her bowl, thinking.
“What did you get on yours?”
“I got gummy bears, chocolate sprinkles, peanut butter cups, and Oreos,” she said.
“Lord, I’m going to have to let you run it out on the treadmill afterward to get the energy out.”
“How about you? What did you get?”
“Let’s see, I got chocolate sauce and strawberries,” I replied.
“Lame,” she said, giggling. “You never just go crazy at the yogurt bar.”
“You’re right,” I said, chuckling. “Sometimes, only sometimes, I try to be a responsible adult.”
“Daddy? Can I talk to you about something?”
“Sure,” I said. “You can talk to me about anything. What’s up?”
“I know my mother hurt you really bad when she left us,” she said. “But I don’t want you to give up. I want you to find someone who makes you happy again. You’ve been sad for so long, and love would make you feel better. I don’t know what being in love feels like, but I know I love you, and if it’s anywhere close to that, then it would be really good for you. And as far as Josie is concerned, I don’t want her in my life. She left me before she even got to know me. She never sent me a birthday card or a letter, and she just stayed away. My life is great without her, and I can tell how much stress she brings into the house when she comes over. I don’t want to have to be around someone that I don’t love. I don’t want to have to call her mom when she’s never been a mom to me.”
I just sat staring at my little girl, listening to everything she had to say. I knew this was hard for her to completely understand, even as smart and grown up as she was. She was calm and collected, even more so than I had ever been when talking about Josie.
“Maybe later in my life, I’ll change my mind,” she said, shrugging. “Maybe when I’m grown up and I can understand her better, but now I just don’t want her around. She makes me feel bad, and I don’t want to feel bad, especially when I love my life.”
“You’re the smartest little girl I know.” I leaned forward and kissed her forehead. “The choice is completely up to you.”
“Thanks, Daddy.” She smiled. “And I meant the other thing too. Find someone who makes you happy.”
Immediately, my thoughts went to Emma again, and I wondered if she was the girl who would make me happy again. I was still on the hunt for her and had not given up hope just yet. I wanted to find her, to find out if she was the one, and then move forward from there. I needed that for me and for Sicily.