CHAPTER 24
Madeline
I knew that Declan was back. I knew partly because he didn’t have that much time off as well as the fact that I’d seen his car in the parking lot at work.
He never called me.
I understood the week of the holiday, since we were both busy. We didn’t have a serious commitment that required us to talk and text daily. I just thought that we’d see one another when he was on his own again, like it was such a natural thing for me. Once a day passed and then another past the time I expected him to call me, I felt like it was too much of a desperate move to make the call myself. He’d only hinted to things getting more serious between us, but Declan was allowed to change his mind.
Still, it hurt.
I worked as many hours as I could fit into a day to keep busy. I’d catch glimpses of him every now and then, but he hadn’t been to the ER since Thanksgiving. It always seemed like another doctor showed up and I was a little relieved about that as well as sad. Part of me just wanted to look into his beautiful eyes one more time and see if he still felt anything for me.
I’d go home after the gym if I could manage it, though I’d taken to using one that was closer to work than the regular location. I couldn’t stand the idea of seeing his beautiful sweaty body tempting me as I half-ran on the treadmill. I’d wear headphones and probably had the resting bitch face down to a science, so I’d be left alone.
I didn’t want any man but Declan. I was pathetic.
I’d toss and turn in bed, feeling restless and admittedly horny. I was used to the great sex that he gave me, and my body ached for Declan. I’d sometimes get myself off with my hand, teasing my clit with my fingers or thrusting my hand inside of my body. I’d use some of the basic sex toys that I’d purchased that I’d use until my hand was shaking from the vibration. I came every time with one of those, but it was never like it was with Declan. I felt everything with him and my own hand or a toy wasn’t going to replace him anytime soon. They just seemed to make me tired enough to get a little sleep before another long shift.
Kelly started to ask if I was feeling okay, telling me that I looked as tired as I felt. I explained that I was simply suffering from a bit of insomnia lately. I’d be fine. I knew that was in part a lie, but I couldn’t tell her why I was dealing with it. Nobody could ever know that I was sleeping with Declan. She even asked if I’d ended things with my guy and I felt pain fill my chest. I kept my face casual and breathed in slowly as I shrugged. “It just kind of ended. I am sure my schedule is a lot to deal with.”
“Yeah, some men can’t handle the hours we keep. I think it’s probably best that we hook up with someone that works the same hours but what do you do when you end up having kids?” Rori spoke up as I looked at the pretty new nurse. She’d started a couple of weeks ago and from what I’d heard, she was engaged to be married. I wondered what he did. “I guess you work opposite and deal with it.”
“I have family to help me. I’m blessed.” Nola was a single mother with two kids and she leaned on the counter with a sigh. “Their dad isn’t worth a damn.”
I felt like I didn’t belong as I looked down at the tablet in my hand. There was nothing on it, but I pretended as they kept talking. I wasn’t a virgin any longer, but I didn’t have any kind of extensive history with dating. I couldn’t offer anything to the conversation. I made an excuse to leave and was just turning away when Nola spoke up. “Speaking of dating, I saw Declan at a bar with a cute little thing. Maybe he’s going to give it a chance finally because that man needs to have a baby or two.” I froze, thankful that I wasn’t facing them. I moved after someone else commented and sighed once I was far enough away.
So, there it was. Declan was seeing someone else. I knew that we weren’t in love or anything, but we seemed to have a deep attraction to one another. I suppose he didn’t see any need to continue our secret affair and my whole body ached for a moment. I was relieved when an accident was announced just so the remaining hours of work might pass quickly. I was agonizing inside, and it was difficult to focus on anything but the pain.
I finished the shift and yawned as I collected my stuff. I needed to go home and sleep through my day off and shake this feeling off. I couldn’t focus on Declan this way and needed to throw everything into my work. I drove home and took a long shower, bringing a bottle of wine to my bed after I’d dried off. I sipped right from the bottle as I nibbled on popcorn, watching a sappy love story, and crying through the tragic, emotional scenes. I knew that I’d been falling for Declan as much as I fought that and to let him go completely would take a while. I wasn’t the type to casually start sleeping with someone else the way other people did after something ended.
I did call my mom the following day to tell her what I’d heard at work. She was sympathetic and kind, but I knew that she’d been hesitant to get excited about my seeing him. Mom knew his past and she didn’t want me to get drawn in and then have a broken heart. She loved me and wanted the best for my life, but she had admitted issues trusting men. As hard as she tried not to show me those feelings, I was aware of them from a young age and started building up my walls early.
The following night, I planned to go to bed early and start my shift off in a positive manner. I got ready for longer than normal, doing my hair and makeup before I left. Mom always told me that how you presented yourself to the world controlled the pace of your day. I sang along to the radio on the way and parked in my usual spot, ruffling my curls with one hand. I got up to head inside and froze when I saw Declan standing on the curb near the doors, leaning into a car window to talk to someone. Stealing a look at the driver’s side of the unfamiliar car, I saw a girl with bright red hair leaning over with a smile on her face. My stomach knotted up as I stood and watched them, noting the smile on his face. When Declan stood up and turned to walk into the hospital, I ducked down to watch him as the pain hit me like a freight train.
I made sure that the car was gone and that he was inside before I approached the building. Why did this hurt so damn much? Why did I miss him this way?
I worked a long, emotional shift and went home exhausted. It was in that way where you want to sleep but have so much adrenaline rushing through you that you can’t. Declan was always great for days like that, but I reminded myself that he was fucking someone else now. She took care of his bad days. I blushed at even thinking the word, but he taught me that sex could go many ways. I felt like we’d both fucked as well as made love, though it was mostly hard and fast towards the end.
Parking my car, I hurried inside and dropped my stuff unceremoniously on my table. I headed right back to my bedroom and stripped off my scrubs as I moved and dropped on my back on the bed. I ran a hand over my needy breasts, feeling my nipple pucker as I closed my eyes and sighed. I wanted him so badly. I teased my sensitive peaks until I couldn’t stand it and grabbed the largest toy that I had in my collection. I pinched myself as I drove it into my pussy, needing it deep. It would never feel like Declan pounding inside of me, but it would make me come. It could take the edge off, at the very least. I struggled trying to do both but rocked against the hand that held the thick, purple cock. I drove it in and out, moaning as I gripped it tightly with my walls. I spread my legs farther apart and pinched hard as warmth flooded through me.
Even I could admit that it wasn’t enough, but it was all that I had right now. I closed my eyes and felt sadness fill me as I recovered. I needed to get over him and soon.