CHAPTER 26
Madeline
I felt painfully empty once I knew that Declan was with someone else. I knew going in that it was a fragile situation with him, but I thought we were developing feelings for one another. I didn’t understand what happened to change that or when. He never gave me that.
I was glad not to see him at the hospital. Perhaps he was trying to avoid me as much as I was him.
Good.
I threw myself into work as I always did. It was the one stable thing in my life that I’d worked hard for and if that was what my life was going to be based on, so be it. I wasn’t blind to the men that tried to talk to me, asking me out for coffee and dates. I wondered what was different about me since I seemed to blend in before that. Could they tell that I wasn’t a virgin anymore? I wasn’t angry with him for that because I wouldn’t change a thing. I was lucky to be with a man like Declan for that moment even if it didn’t last. I was raised not to live with regrets since every moment is different. Mistakes are meant to be learned from and all that, as Mom and Shelly told me as nauseum. I just kept that in my head as if it was my mantra, chanting it silently every day.
Some of the days were harder than others. I never told Declan that I was falling for him in the process of whatever it was that we were doing together. I never planned to and assumed that we’d end quietly somewhere along the way, just not so soon. Not without a word, either. Declan struck me as a different kind of man. He seemed sincere and as if what we did together meant something to him.
Apparently, he was the kind of man to pick up a woman in a bar. So many guys were that way and I thought that I found something different in him.
I’d push the thoughts away every day when they crept up. I knew that working was what I needed to focus on now. It did catch me off guard the night I saw him at the hospital in the ER. He seemed as stricken as I did, and I couldn’t do anything but look at him. There were too many people around to say or do anything else.
He’d just turned and walked away. I knew that it was to prep for a surgery, but it made my already aching heart rip wide open. I’d made an excuse to go to the bathroom and regain my composure for the sake of my colleagues. It took everything I had not to cry but I pulled it together and returned to work.
Then there was the night at the gym. I started coming to the new one to avoid him but there he was, looking sexy as hell on the treadmill. He was staring at me with something powerful in his eyes that caught me off guard before remembering the way he ended things with me. I just scowled at him and walked out to my car with Jason. He was a good guy as well as Kyle from the hospital, but I didn’t want them. I wish I did, but nothing was there.
I went and got a bottle of wine on the way home after the gym. Screw the fact that I’d just worked out. I needed to forget everything for one night and just lose myself in mindless TV. Maybe I’d call my mom and talk to her… again. She’d been quite the shoulder for me and I was looking forward to her visit for Christmas in a week.
In addition to my mind missing Declan, my body did as well. I had never gotten myself off as much as I was now and even purchased some new toys. There was a chance that I’d never want to have actual sex with anyone for a while, so I might as well make myself happy in my own house. I knew that it wasn’t the same and Kelly had stopped asking about my health at this point. It seemed like I was getting shorter tempered by the day some weeks, making me just want to go back to the girl I was before all of this. Was she better than this version of me?
I was a little distracted getting ready for Mom’s visit. It was going to be tight and she’d only be here for a few days, but it was better than nothing. We were going to watch movies and drink hot cocoa and just have a small Christmas. The decorations at the hospital didn’t make me feel celebratory in the least but I would always want to see my mom.
I went to pick her up at the airport after work the day before Christmas Eve. I couldn’t wait to see her and parked before I hurried inside to wait for her. The last few weeks had been miserable, and I just needed the comfort of family around me, if only for a few days. I paced as I waited, watching closely as people came in from their flights. When I saw them, I ran forward and threw my arms around both before I started to cry.
Mom drove home as she listened to me stammer about everything and nothing. Shelly stroked my hair from the back seat as I got everything out that was bottled in for everyone else in a jumbled paragraph. I was a hot mess.
When we got home, Mom pulled into the driveway and parked in front of the garage. I was barely paying attention as we got out of the car and grabbed the bags before going to the front door. Mom paused for a moment, making me crash into her back as I screeched. Shelly looked around us and Mom walked forward and turned the key in the lock as I stared at her.
It was then that I saw the figure sitting in the chair on my porch. The light was off but when they stood, I knew it was Declan. His mannerisms were too familiar to me and I took in his muscular body slowly. I looked on in silence as the others walked through the front door, closing it to give us privacy as I blinked. “What are you doing here?” I whispered as I wrapped my arms around my chest to protect my heart.
“I needed to see you, Madeline.” His voice was raw, and I stared down at the dark wood of the porch. The owners had done a horrible job in attempting to stain it and I tried to see the flaws as time slowed down to nothing. It was too dark to see much of anything, but I needed to focus on anything but Declan. “I have missed you so damn much and I couldn’t take it anymore.”
“You’re seeing someone, Declan. You moved on.” My voice was accusing as I lifted my face, noting the pain on his face from the light spilling through the windows.
“That’s over. It was nothing to begin with, Madeline. She meant nothing to me.” I narrowed my eyes to search his face through my already burning eyes as I watched him closely.
“You never called me… ended things. You were just gone and then everyone was talking about you. I… I didn’t know what happened.” I felt tears streaming down my cheeks as shame filled me for letting him see this.
“I was a fool, Madeline. I got scared and ran away because I didn’t know what to say.” He stepped towards me and I felt his hands on my shoulders. “I thought that it was too soon to feel this. I felt guilty for wanting to move on and just… ran.” He pulled me into him and I stilled as I held my breath. “I want you. I wanted you from that first day that we met and tried to ignore it. I thought that we could just sleep together until we got bored, but I always wanted more. Always.”
“You did?” I asked as he pulled me into his broad chest. I reached out to touch his waist, feeling the shock hit me that he was here.
“Yes. I want to see you and only you. I don’t care what anyone says at the hospital any longer because what they were saying was so much worse. I hated that you heard about… me. I want to go out with you in this town and work towards something more in time. Can we do that?”
I let out a sob and clung to him. “Yes. Yes. Yes.” I felt him move to kiss me hard, taking my breath away for a moment. “My mom and aunt are here. Do you want to meet them?”
Declan laughed before kissing me again. “Sure. They don’t want to kill me, do they?”