Forty-four
Beth was in WH Smith looking at wedding anniversary cards for James.
Three years already!
She wasn’t feeling the love. For the last few months he’d fobbed her off, claiming to be too busy with work to attend any of the appointments she’d made for them with the doctor. His opinion seemed to be it was still early days, and a baby would come along when they least expected it.
But Beth was beyond that reasoning. She could no longer convince herself a pregnancy was on the cards. Their sex life had begun to revolve around ‘trying to conceive’ sex, which she found to be very different from ‘loving, caring’ sex. It was, setting an alarm clock to go off half an hour earlier than her usual time, hearing the alarm go off and knowing she had to have the quickest, most efficient sex she could. It was, realising her own pleasure had become less important, making James the top priority, she had to make him climax, she needed his sperm. It had all become clinical and depressing. And still no baby.
Beth chose a card. Skim reading the words, she saw ‘love’ ‘cherish’ ‘happiness’. That would have to do. She’d get him a large bar of Toblerone to go with it. There wasn’t going to be any romance on this anniversary. Thanks to her period arriving bang on time yesterday, there wasn’t going to be much of anything.
As she headed towards the till to pay for the card, a large book caught her eye. Its title was long and scientific. But in the middle of all the unfamiliar words she spotted ‘Fertility’ and ‘Pregnancy’.
Being a hardback, it was far from cheap, but it took her less than a second to make the decision to buy it.
Rushing into the lounge, Beth was delighted to see James wasn’t home yet. All she wanted to do was devour the book. Somewhere, in this great heavy lump of paper, was the answer.
Not even bothering to make herself a hot drink, she threw herself into it, deciding to flick through and stop at any page that caught her eye.
The first chapter she read was all about charting. She learnt if she took her temperature every morning, she could keep a beautiful colour co-ordinated chart, and be able to pinpoint exactly when she was ovulating.
‘Look at it. Isn’t it brilliant?’
‘Yes, it’s … colourful.’ Lisa seemed sceptical.
‘It says not all women ovulate halfway through their cycle. Maybe I’ve been timing it all wrong.’
It was rare for Lisa to show any sympathy, but she mustered up some at that point. ‘You do it all the sodding time. I should know, I have to keep trying not to listen. A chart won’t mean shit unless you go to the doctor. I’m sorry. I know you think this book is the answer to your prayers, but …’
‘It’s a start. It’s something. If I don’t give it my best shot, I’ll go insane.’
‘Fair enough. You’d better put felt tipped pens on the shopping list then.’
‘And a thermometer. It says you can either put it under your tongue or up your … you know … girly bits.’
‘Fuck me, just choose one and stick to it. For God’s sake, don’t chop and change!’
Beth continued to flick through, looking for further words of wisdom to jump out at her. After she’d speed read a chapter on healthy eating, she noticed a chapter on twins and stopped to read.
And then, there it was, ‘Vanishing Twin Syndrome’. They read together – ‘As many as one in ten pregnancies starts out as twins. At some point, early in the pregnancy, one of the twins will stop developing, and will be absorbed by either the mother’s body, the placenta or the twin.’
There was a silence between them. Beth gulped. She’d never seen it written down.
Lisa whispered,’ You absorbed me.’
‘I guess so.’ Beth sniffed back tears. ‘It doesn’t sound very nice when they put it like that, does it?’
‘I vanished?’
‘Yes.’
‘One in ten. That’s …’
‘Amazing. Do you think there are others like you?’
‘I don’t know. I suppose there must be.’
‘I’m sorry.’
‘Yeah, me too.’
Closing the book, Beth put it on the bookcase. She was determined to read more, still convinced it was going to help her to get the baby she craved. But for now, both she and Lisa were too raw, they needed to catch their breath.
As she continued trying to convince James to attend a doctor’s appointment, friends, work colleagues and customers were becoming pregnancies non-stop. It was like an epidemic. It seemed wherever Beth looked, there was a baby bump. Her stomach churned with every announcement, and she wanted to scream at the injustice of it all.
By now her need to be pregnant had become the worst kept secret in the world.
Not long after their anniversary, on a glorious Sunday afternoon, James invited Michelle and Ricky over for a roast dinner. He liked to play the host, although he preferred not to be the one to do all the work.
Unexpectedly, Michelle arrived alone. Apologising, she explained Ricky had popped over to visit his mum, who was having a down day. He’d taken their son with him.
Beth suspected Solomon’s absence had more to do with the fact that Michelle knew how much she struggled with babies. Bless her for not rubbing my nose in it. ‘It’ll be nice for him to see his granny.’
‘Yes, I hope it cheers her up a bit. He’s gotten so big and cuddly now.’
‘Speaking of his grannies. I keep meaning to ask you, how’s your mum finding being a grandparent?’
‘She loves it.’
‘Is she as strict with him as she was with you?’
‘God, no. She dotes on him. The only thing is …’
‘What?’
‘Oh, don’t laugh, Beth, but she insists on calling him “Sol”.’
‘So?’
‘She’s dead proud of him. It’s all our Sol this and our Sol that.’
‘And?’
‘Repeat it to yourself, Beth.’
Beth did so. ‘Oh my God! Does she realise?’
‘Not once. I can’t stop laughing every time she says it. I will NEVER shorten that boy’s name.’
Beth laughed. ‘It’s going to be bloody hard for me not to say it now.’
‘You mustn’t. Ricky’ll go ape!’
‘OK, I’ll try.’
‘I’m sorry they couldn’t come.’
‘Never mind, it’ll just be the three of us. Like old times.’
‘Yep. Have you hidden the Trivial Pursuits?’
Beth glanced at the bookcase where the infuriating game sat, gathering dust, on the bottom shelf. Above it was her fertility textbook.
James had been doing overtime and had agreed to finish for lunch around two o’clock. However, by half past, there was still no sign of him.
‘I knew I should’ve done something else. I only did a full roast because James suggested it, and now it’s going to spoil.’
‘It’ll be all right. Don’t panic.’
‘But it’s nice outside. I could’ve done a pasta dish or even a salad.’
‘Don’t worry. It’s fine. Even in the middle of summer, everyone loves a roast.’ Michelle tried to stop Beth from flapping.
‘But … these Yorkshires are perfection itself. Damn that man.’ Beth squinted at her watch for the hundredth time.
‘Where … um …where do you think he is?’ Michelle hesitated.
‘He’ll have gone down the pub, and got chatting, I expect.’
‘Hmm … Maybe.’
‘Do you mind if I serve it up?’
‘What, you don’t want to wait for him?’
‘He could be ages if he’s with the lads from the site. I don’t want it to be ruined. Let’s eat. I’ll leave him a plateful.’
‘Suits me. I’m starving.’ And there it was, an almost imperceptible movement. Michelle’s right hand briefly moved to her tummy. She stroked it, just as she exclaimed how hungry she was.
Who is she worried about feeding? Instinctively, Beth knew, Michelle was pregnant again.