Forty-nine
As they left the hospital, Beth couldn’t wipe the smile off her face. For the first time since Mandy, there was life inside her womb.
James drove as if the back seat was full of Ming vases.
‘You don’t have to drive quite this slow. I won’t break.’
‘But … well, you know?’
‘Yes. It’s sweet.’
‘How do you feel?’
‘Ecstatic.’
She saw a look of worry cross his face. He cautioned her, ‘Try not to get too ahead of yourself. Remember what the doctor warned us.’
‘I know. Nothing’s definite at this stage.’
‘Fourteen days and then you do a pregnancy test.’
‘Yep.’
‘Even if you experience some bleeding, it’s still worth doing the test. That’s what he said, right?’
‘Yes. I know what you’re worried about. I get that you don’t want me to be disappointed. But …’ she ran her hand over her flat belly, ‘for now … they’re in here, and it’s amazing. Let me just savour it, please?’
James took his hand off the wheel to pat her tummy. ‘OK, sweetheart.’
She knew he was scared. He’d heard the story of her miscarriage several times. It was a graphic tale, and she knew he was wondering what the hell he would do if she were to wake him in the night, bleeding heavily and fainting on the carpet. She was also petrified that might happen again. But she didn’t want it to spoil things. ‘We just need to get through the next two weeks. And we’ll know for definite.’
‘If only we had enough money to go on an exotic holiday for a fortnight. That’d pass the time,’ James joked.
Beth knew their lack of money was one hundred per cent down to him. Any minute now, Lisa would call him an idiot for bringing it up. She tried to reassure him. ‘We don’t need an exotic holiday. We just need our house and each other. We’ll get through it together. Like we do everything else.’
His hand left the steering wheel, once again, to grab a hold of hers. ‘I love you very much.’
‘I love you, too.’
Just over a week later they decided to head out for a while. The weather was nice; it was one of those clean fresh spring days when you can smell that better weather is on its way. Beth wasn’t even sure where they were heading, she just knew that, much like the last nine days, they had to keep busy. The wait was almost killing her. They tried not to discuss the two embryos that were, hopefully, settling in nicely inside her. But they were at the forefront of her mind from the moment she first stirred, to the moment she finally drifted off to sleep at night. Lisa had had her head bitten off so often since the embryos had been transferred that she now mostly remained silent.
Unbeknown to Beth, James had made some sandwiches and bought a couple of nice dips and things from the local shop. As he drove into the car park of the zoo, she realised their day out was less of a general meander, and more of a military operation, secretly planned by him.
‘The zoo?’
‘Yes, love.’
‘I thought we were just going to go for a quick walk in the park or something.’
‘I know. That’s what I wanted you to think. But I figured this would be a nice day out for us. I’ve brought your boots and a fleece, in case you’re chilly. I’ve even made a picnic.’ He retrieved all this from the back of the car.
‘Really?’
‘Of course. Nothing’s too much trouble for my wife.’
They made their way around the zoo, admiring the peacocks and giggling at the hippos.
‘Just say when you’re ready to eat.’ James waved the cool bag full of food that he was gallantly carrying.
‘Any time. I’m hungry now, to be honest.’
They headed over to a picnic table, and James unpacked his sandwiches with a look of pride.
‘This is amazing. You never normally ‒’
‘Ah now, now, let’s not think about what I normally do. This is the new me. Your new husband. He’s far more thoughtful than the old one.’
Beth reached up and gently stroked his cheek. ‘But he’s just as annoyingly handsome.’
‘Well, of course he is. It was never the face you had a problem with!’
She tucked into her sandwich. ‘Chicken and lettuce. Nice.’
‘I wanted to give you something tasty, but also good, for the … babies.’
‘Well, like I say, they’re delicious, and this is nice too.’ She dipped a carrot stick into the hummus, and bit into it.
It was a weekend, and they were surrounded by children. It was the sort of place they’d not been able to go to for a long while. She’d reached the point where she could no longer be around children or pregnant women. Not just her friends, but anyone. Any person who’d managed to get themselves pregnant and reproduce, had become her enemy. Thus they’d avoided days out like this for a good couple of years. She was touched that he’d brought her here. He’d realised things had changed. She had no reason to stare daggers at the heavily pregnant women waddling past, or sneer at the women pushing their prams. She was no longer against them; she was one of them. She was in with a good shot. There were two healthy embryos inside her.
As with the arrival of the IVF letter, timing is everything. And, sometimes, it can be a bitch. Beth started bleeding exactly thirteen days after the embryos had been so carefully placed inside her.
It began as a small amount, which nevertheless, took her breath away upon discovery. She emerged from the toilet, a shaking mess. James came running as soon as she called for him. He clearly knew what was up, even before his foot was on the bottom stair.
‘I’ve started bleeding.’ There was utter despair in her voice.
‘What? How much? Is it bad?’ He fired questions at her.
‘No. Not yet …’ She knew the fact the bleeding was light was not necessarily an escape. Wasn’t that how her miscarriage had started?
‘What do we do?’ He looked around, blindly. Panic in his voice. ‘Hospital?’
‘No, don’t be silly.’ She shook her head. ‘What the hell would they say?’
‘So, there’s nothing we can do? We just have to wait?’
‘Yes. I still have to test tomorrow.’
He wrapped his arms around her. ‘It might still be OK.’
‘I know.’
James made her a hot chocolate, and she headed off to bed. Putting on her thickest, most comforting pyjamas, she dragged the covers over her head. She wanted to block everything out. The whole world could bugger off and leave her alone. James sensed she didn’t want his company.
Ironically, their usual disagreements notwithstanding, the only person Beth could bear to talk to was Lisa.
‘Perhaps just one of them isn’t going to make it.’
‘Like you, you mean?’
‘Yes.’ Lisa continued, ‘Maybe it’s a vanishing twin, like in your book. Maybe the other one is absorbing her right now?’
‘But …’
‘It’s better than losing them both.’
Beth wanted to scream. She wanted to say she couldn’t bear it if one absorbed the other. She didn’t want a half-life for one of her babies. But of course she couldn’t say that to Lisa.
‘It’s not definitely the end. Mum said ‒’
‘I know what Mum said.’ Beth didn’t want to hear it. ‘I know it doesn’t have to be the end, but … right now my heart is breaking into a million pieces. Everything I’ve been looking forward to and planning for the last thirteen days is slowly dissolving in front of my eyes. I’m going to lose them. You know it too. I can tell. The test tomorrow is not going to be good news.’
Lisa said no more. She knew the game was up.
Beth woke up at 4.30 a.m. Thanks to the hot chocolate, she was in desperate need of the loo. She’d been told the first wee of the day was the best for a pregnancy test, because it was strong and, if you were pregnant, full of hormones. James was sleeping next to her in the bed. She hadn’t even heard him join her. Padding silently to the bathroom, she unwrapped the pregnancy test they’d bought especially for the occasion.
There was a tiny instant, before she peed on the stick, when she prayed for a positive outcome. But even as she did this there was more blood.
After the allotted time, she checked the stick. One blue line stared back at her. She knew well enough that one line meant ‘not pregnant’. It was vile. It was the most sneering, unfeeling blue line she’d ever seen. Her embryos had decided not to stay.
‘What did I do wrong, Lisa?’
‘Nothing. You didn’t do anything wrong.’
‘How could I have been any more accommodating? Do you think they had even the slightest inkling of how much we wanted them?’
‘Don’t blame yourself.’
‘Who else is there?’
‘Sometimes these things just happen. It’s not your fault.’
For a good ten minutes, Beth didn’t even cry. She remained in the bathroom, staring at the negative pregnancy test.
When the tears began to fall, they came as a relief. As they increased, she gave in, and silent tears soon became full on weeping.
The noise brought James to the bathroom. He burst through the door. Instantly taking in the sight before him, he scooped her into his arms.
She couldn’t say a word. She didn’t trust herself to speak. She was fearful she might begin to blame him for the fact they needed IVF in the first place. Then, she might start shouting at him for all the money he’d squandered. She may move on to the secrets he kept. She might let out all the fury she felt towards him. And if she did, if she admitted to herself just how mad he made her, she might never be able to look at her husband again.
By the afternoon, the bleeding had set in. It was nothing more than a regular period. No dreadful pain. No mad dash in an ambulance. Just the same routine bleed she’d known many times before. Beth’s precious embryos left her body, and with them went all her hopes.