Sixty-two
They arrived back to an empty house. In previous years, Beth had hated it when James had to work away. She understood there wasn’t always going to be building work locally, and she appreciated the fact the boss offered him work ahead of some of the others, due to his loyalty. But back then, when things were different, she missed her husband terribly, and wished he could be at home. Not now though. Now she enjoyed the times he was picked up by one of the lads, and whisked away in the van. He could be gone for anything up to four nights, and she found those times far more peaceful. If he gambled whilst he was away, she knew nothing of it. She could remain at home, blissfully unaware. It was the equivalent of sticking her fingers in her ears and singing ‘La, la, la.’
She made herself a milky drink, and popped on her pyjamas and fleecy dressing gown. A message popped up on her phone from Michelle, it said she was thinking of Nanna on the anniversary of her death, and hoping Beth was OK. She sent lots of love from Ricky, Solomon, Ava and little Leo, the latest, and final, edition to their family.
‘Bless her for thinking of me.’
‘Yes, she seems to be making up for her mistake.’
Flicking on the TV, Beth marvelled at the fact that, as James wasn’t there, she could watch whatever the hell she liked.
‘Another thrilling night ahead! I thought I made it clear Nanna would’ve preferred the pub.’
‘Sorry, Lisa, I know I bore you.’
‘Me, bored? Whatever gave you that idea?’
‘Would you like to choose what we watch? Would that help?’
‘Not particularly. But I guess if it was up to me, I’d choose a horror film.’
‘Oh no, anything but that.’
‘You said I could choose.’
‘Yes, but not a horror, not when James is away.’
‘Oh fine. Don’t bother, you choose.’
‘There’s a romcom starting in half an hour.’
‘Oh, bloody marvellous. Romcoms are crap.’
Beth switched the TV off. ‘Blimey, it’s worse than trying to reach a compromise with James.’
‘I wonder how we would’ve got on if I’d lived.’
‘If we’d have been separate, you mean?’
‘Yeah …’ Lisa paused. ‘You know, just regular twins.’
Beth gave it some thought. ‘I think I would’ve liked you.’
‘Me too.’
‘I would definitely have preferred it.’
‘Not as much as I would!’
‘Sorry, Lisa.’
‘I would have liked to have known Mum and Dad … and Nanna, of course.’
Beth began to feel uncomfortable. As always, when Lisa talked about how bad her life was, Beth blamed herself. Even though saving Lisa and offering to share her life had been a completely instinctive decision, made when she was barely conscious, she couldn’t help thinking she had trapped her sister. Whenever Lisa went into self-pity mode, Beth went into self-reproach mode. There was simply no stopping the cycle.
She decided the best plan of action was to change the subject. Switching back to Nanna, she said, ‘I can’t believe there’s going to be no more Hogmanay for Nanna.’
‘I know. Fucking Grim Reaper!’
They were both lost in thought.
‘Right, well, if we can’t agree on what to watch,’ Beth got up from the sofa, ‘I’m going to head off to bed. I’ll read or something.’
‘Not more romcoms.’
‘Listen, ideally, I’d like to just go to sleep. But you know as well as I do, I never sleep well.’
‘And that’s my fault, is it?’
‘Yes, it is.’
‘How the hell …?’
‘I’ve spent most of my adult life not drinking in case I fall into a deep sleep and you come out and reap havoc. Loads of times, when we were younger, I was aware of you trying to sneak out, and I had to wake myself up. I’ve never slept deeply, and it’s all because of you!’
‘Well, pardon me.’
‘You can’t blame me for being just a tad annoyed. I mean, if I could trust you, I could’ve had years of lovely sleep.’
‘I don’t even remember the last time I tried to get out. There’s no point any more. Just go to sleep. It’ll be fine.’
‘It’s too late now. Years of not allowing yourself to sleep can’t be undone with one “you can trust me now”.’
‘What about those sleeping pills?’
‘The ones Mum gave me?’
‘Yeah.’
‘I don’t know, they were meant for Dad. When he was struggling, straight after Nanna died.’
‘So? Mum gave you a few, didn’t she?’
‘Yes, but I don’t think it’s right to take someone else’s medication.’
‘Mum insisted they would be fine for you. Take a couple. Have a good sleep.’
‘But …’
‘What do you think I’m going to do? Steal your stupid pink car, which, by the way, I can’t drive, whizz off to the coast, and sleep with your husband?’
‘Not the car bit, but sleeping with James … maybe.’
‘Been there, done that!’
‘I don’t need reminding!’
‘And that was back when he was hot. Extremely hot, actually. I wouldn’t sleep with him now if you paid me. Besides, I’ve seen the kind of boring sex you guys have these days. I’m not into baby-making.’
‘Shut up, Lisa. I don’t like the thought of you watching us and I definitely don’t need you reminiscing about how hot James used to be.’
‘I’m just offering you a good night’s sleep, that’s all. No drama. No sneaking out. I’ll probably just go to sleep too.’
‘You promise?’
‘Yes. Take them. It’s been a tough day.’
Beth made her way to the bathroom and opened the medicine cabinet. Fishing out the sleeping tablets Pat had given her almost a year before, she paused.
‘What’s the matter now?’
‘I was just thinking about the day I discovered James had taken the money from the bathroom cupboard.’
‘Bastard!’
‘What am I doing still with him?’
‘Well, one, you’re an idiot. And two, you’ve lost all your confidence. You know you should’ve left, and started again, but thanks to him wearing you down over the years, you’re just not capable of doing it.’
‘Blimey, tell it like it is.’
‘Charlie would never treat you this way.’
‘Where did he come from?’
‘I often think of him. Don’t you?’
Taking a second to consider, Beth replied, ‘I do think of him, yes. I wanted to see him when Nanna died. I thought it would be wonderful to tell him how much pain I was in, and to have him wrap his stupid great arms around me.’
‘So why didn’t you contact him, then?’
‘He’ll have moved on. I blew that one, big time.’
‘So that’s it. We’re just going to give up on him?’
‘I’m married to James, he needs me.’
‘But ‒’
‘Yes, I know what you’re going to say – James has secrets. James isn’t good for me. James betrayed me. But the fact is, I’m still married to him, and you reminding me what an amazing guy Charlie is, is just … well, it’s not helping!’ With that, Beth popped two sleeping pills under her tongue. Sticking her head under the tap, she turned it on and gulped down some water. ‘Just leave it now. For goodness’ sake. Please. Just let me sleep!’