Fifty-two
‘So, tell me, which one of my many perfectly valid points, did the trick?’
‘Don’t get all full of yourself, Lisa. I came because I wanted to, not because you insisted on it.’
‘Oh, well, what does it matter? We’re heading towards Charlie’s place. That’s the main thing.’
‘Stop talking now. I need to read the road signs.’
They’d looked up Charlie’s address, and now Beth was driving from memory, which took a lot of concentration.
Refusing to be shushed, Lisa asked, excitedly, ‘Do you think he’s changed much? It’s been four years.’
‘I don’t know.’ Beth paused, before adding, ‘Remember, I said I might not go inside.’
‘Bloody hell. Of course you need to go inside. We need to see him.’
‘I don’t even know why I’m doing this.’
‘We talked about it. We’re going to his flat to catch up with him. To chat to him. And, whatever else occurs!’
‘Yes. But …’
‘It’s left here! Concentrate, Beth.’
‘Thanks. I’m trying to concentrate. Now, what was I saying?’
‘You were about to give me some pathetic reason why we should stare longingly at the outside of Charlie’s flat, and not venture out of the car.’
‘It’s just … the sixty days will be up before we know it and …’
‘Look, this has got nothing to do with your IVF treatment. Like I just said, we’re just going to see him for a catch up. It’s nothing. It’ll be fine.’
‘I think that’s the block.’ Beth pulled into the side of the main road, opposite a development of smart new flats.
‘Yep. That’s the right address. Hurry up, get out of the car?’ Beth could hear the eagerness in Lisa’s voice. She knew how much her sister liked Charlie.
‘I don’t know.’
‘Beth, you’re not going to shag the man. You’re just going to say hello.’
‘He might not even be in. Some people go out on a Saturday.’
‘Do they? No shit?’
‘I’m just saying, he might be out Christmas shopping.’
‘Well, there’s only one way to find out if he’s in or out, and it’s not sitting in this stupid little pink car.’
Beth was undecided.
Lisa obviously found it incredibly frustrating. ‘Get the letter out and read it. Remind yourself why we’re here.’
Beth opened the glove box and groped around inside. After an agonising thirty seconds, she produced Charlie’s letter and unfolded it.
‘Read it!’
‘I have read it.’
‘Read it again!’
‘OK, I’m going to. Quit nagging.’
Dear Beth,
I hope you’re well. I hope you’re happy??? I’m back from Singapore. Due to the Government over there forcing us all to save a bit of our money every month, I came home with a nice lump sum of cash. I’ve got myself a mortgage and bought myself a flat. Can you believe it?
Perhaps you’re madly in love with your husband and have a couple of kids. I don’t know. But if you’re not madly in love with him, please get in touch with me. If you need me, for anything, please come and find me.
Love Charlie
X
At the top of the letter he’d included his new address. Flat fifteen of the block both Beth and Lisa were currently staring at.
‘He says if you need him for anything. So, it’s fine to turn up, like this.’
‘He also says if I’m not madly in love with my husband I should contact him.’
‘Are you madly in love with James? Really?’
‘I … yes … I am …’
‘Aww, ain’t love grand.’
‘There’s no need to be mean. You’re always horrible to me.’
Lisa pondered this comment for a second. ‘You know what? You’re right. I am mean to you. I guess it’s because you’re practically the only person I’ve ever spoken to. Perhaps if you would let me out more often, if you allowed me to develop a decent personality of my own, maybe then I would’ve learnt some etiquette.’
‘So, it’s my fault you’re the way you are?’
‘Yes. I reckon it is. I’m trapped, I’m bored and I’m angry. Not a great combination!’
‘If you’re going to be like this, we can just go home.’
‘Listen, Beth, when we talked about coming to see him, you were as keen as I was. I’m not saying declare your love for him, I’m just saying ‒ get out of the car, ring his doorbell and at least see if he’s in!’
Beth was counting the front doors. ‘Thirteen, fourteen, fifteen ‒ I think it must be the red door, next to the one with the holly wreath. I suppose I could just …’
Suddenly, Lisa shouted, ‘We need to go!’
‘What?’
‘We need to go. NOW!’
‘But you were the one who wanted to come and see him and …’
‘I do want to see him. But you need to move this car. Look in your rear-view mirror.’
Beth did as she was told, and instantly spotted the problem. A double decker bus was approaching, fast.
‘You’ve parked in the friggin’ bus stop of the number seven bus!’
Beth started up the engine, rammed the car in gear, forced down the handbrake and swung out into the road. A Suzuki driver gave a long toot on his horn and shouted obscenities as he swerved to avoid her.
Nipping in behind him, Beth’s little Fiat just about vacated the bus stop in time.
After that, her driving was a mess. She cocked up the gear changes and over revved repeatedly.
‘Calm down. You’re going to kill us.’
‘Sorry. You flustered me. I thought I needed to get out of there quick.’
‘You did need to get out of there quick, but even I know the rule is mirror, signal, manoeuvre.’
Beth’s legs were like jelly. ‘Well, I’ve decided one thing … I’m going home.’
‘NO!’
‘Yes. I was already unsure about seeing him and now I know it’s not right.’
‘Because you were a total idiot, who parked in a bus stop?’
‘No, because I’m about to undergo IVF with my husband and he wouldn’t like me visiting another man behind his back.’
‘Would he perhaps find it dishonest?’ Lisa asked, sarcastically.
‘Yes, I think he would.’
‘Well, he would know all about dishonesty.’
‘Lisa, we’re going home, and that’s final.’
‘Home? That stupid little house isn’t my home, it’s yours. It belongs to you and that useless fuckwit of a husband you married. You’re just taking me back to that stifling house, to spend more time with your husband. I’m imprisoned in this life I don’t enjoy. A life I didn’t even ask for. Time after time I’m forced to watch as James makes an absolute fool out of you, and no amount of warning makes any difference. I wish I could get out!’
‘I’m sorry. Honestly.’ Beth continued to drive badly, crunching the gears. ‘But you must see why I can’t let you out. At the first opportunity, you’d mess everything up for me.’
‘It’s interesting you should say that. If I could get out, do you know what I’d do?’
‘I dread to think. Shag a stranger? Leave James and move in with Charlie?’
‘I’d follow that dickhead husband of yours. I’d get proof he’s still gambling. Not only that he’s gambling, but that he’s lying to you about the meetings. Every day he tells bloody great whoppers to you, and I can’t do a thing but sit here and watch you swallow his bullshit. If I could just be in charge for one more time, I’d catch that sneaky git out, once and for all.’
‘Most helpful.’
‘Oh, I’d be helpful, don’t you doubt it. I’m a very underused resource, I tell you!’
Beth tried to steady her shaking legs, but it was no use. Driving when she was emotional was a terrible idea. ‘I know you think it’s unfair that you don’t get to make any decisions …’
‘That’s an understatement. Soon, you’ll have another go at IVF, and, who knows, maybe this time it’ll work, and then I’ll not only be sharing this body with you, but I’ll be sharing it with your baby. Once you have a child together, you’ll never leave James. You’ll persist in trying to make it work. You idolise Mum and Dad’s marriage, and you’ll keep blindly convincing yourself that yours is perfect too.’
Sometimes the guilt was like a physical pain. Beth rarely allowed herself to think how hollow her sister’s life must be. The baby she longed to have inside her body would merely be another cell-mate to Lisa. ‘Perhaps I shouldn’t have …’
‘Saved me? Absorbed me? Stopped me from dying?’
‘Yes. All of those things. Maybe you’d be better off if I’d done nothing.’
‘I suspect you’re right. But what’s done is done. I’m here and I’m trapped. And it’s all your fault. Now, if we’re not going to see Charlie, please concentrate on the road and try and get us back to your shitty little house in one piece.’