Sixty-four
On Megan’s first birthday, they threw a party in their tiny house, and invited all the children from her toddler group, along with Michelle’s kids.
They were all squashed into the miniscule lounge, trying to encourage their babies to play pass the parcel, and eat jelly and ice cream. It was madness from start to finish. Beth knew it was a ridiculous undertaking, but they were just so proud of their baby.
At one point, she glanced up from passing on the parcel to the next baby, who had not a clue what he was supposed to do with it, but settled upon chewing one corner. Leo was on her lap and Beth couldn’t help smiling at the craziness of it all. She caught sight of James, sat cross-legged opposite her in the circle, holding Megan. Their eyes met and there was the most wonderful feeling when they connected with such strength. Their look said, ‘we did it!’ ‘we’re parents at last.’ He’d never looked more content than he did just then, and Beth was relieved she hadn’t given up on him or on trying to conceive.
After that rather stressful first birthday, they decided to keep away from parties for a while, choosing instead to go for trips out, just the three of them, to celebrate each year.
For her fourth birthday, they went for a family trip to the zoo. Megan was old enough to appreciate the animals, and it was a great day out for them all. Beth remembered the last time she’d been there, during the awful two week wait after IVF. She realised how vulnerable she’d been that day. She may have thought she was safe, they may have kidded themselves they were home and dry, but in reality, she’d been hanging on by her fingernails. This time, the whole day was much more relaxing. All thanks to her amazing daughter and husband.
They began in the giraffe enclosure, where Megan stated in quite a loud voice. ‘It smells of poo in here.’
‘Yes, well it will, love. There’s poo everywhere. Look?’ James pointed to several large ones littering the floor.
‘YUCK!’ Megan was getting louder.
‘It’s just giraffe poo. It’s fine.’ Beth smiled. ‘Shush now. Don’t make a fuss.’
They quickly moved on to the next enclosure. The elephants.
‘It smells of poo in here, too.’
‘Of course, it does. This time it’s elephant poo. Just enjoy looking at the beautiful animals.’ Beth tried to distract her daughter. She was worried people would think Megan was precocious.
After observing how huge the elephants were, and discussing their long trunks, they moved on to the third enclosure. As they walked around a large brick wall and rounded the corner into an open arena, a familiar smell hit their nostrils.
‘OK. So, whose poo are we smelling now?’ Megan asked, all wide-eyed innocence.
‘This kid cracks me up!’ Lisa laughed, affectionately.
They vowed not to return to the zoo for a while.
The next year Megan started school. She was one of the oldest in her year. Amongst the first of her new friends to celebrate the grand occasion of turning five. Beth thought maybe it was time to attempt another party. She wanted it to be a wonderful day for Megan. It was becoming clear there were going to be no more miracle babies for her and James, and, if Megan was to be their only one, then her childhood must be perfect. Beth had decided against having the party in their tiny house. Megan had been desperate to invite the whole class, and Beth knew how impossible it would be to have a decent party at their place.
Don and Pat had kindly offered to help with the money to hire a hall. They were all set to have a fabulous party, with a bouncy castle and a party entertainer. Everything was arranged. Beth had been busy buying presents and hiding them in the wardrobes for weeks in advance.
Beth had left herself some jobs to do on the actual day of the party. There were still presents to wrap and sandwiches to make, so she asked James to keep Megan out of her hair. He was annoyingly distracted, and not at all co-operative. She figured maybe he was worrying about the party.
Lisa asked, ‘You actually think a kid’s party could make him this twitchy?’
‘I don’t know. Maybe. Why do you think he’s cranky?’
‘I think that man has got far greater things on his mind than how many sandwiches thirty kids will eat.’
‘Not now. Not today!’
‘I thought you asked him to take Megan to the park while you wrapped her presents?’
‘I did. But he doesn’t seem in much of a park kind of mood. I guess I’m going to have to wrap them in our room. That’s not going to be easy.’
‘I’d like to see that idiot wrap a doll’s house on a bed.’
‘Not the most stable of surfaces, is it?’
‘You need more room. This house is too small,’ Lisa complained.
‘I know. I was wondering if maybe James could knock down the wall between the lounge and the hallway. And perhaps the kitchen wall too. We could make a kind of through-lounge. We could see …’
‘See what?’ Lisa asked. ‘See how long it takes before the roof falls in?’
Beth laughed. ‘Yeah, I guess you’re right.’
‘These houses are mostly held together by willpower and hot glue. And let’s not forget who helped build the shitty little things.’
‘Don’t say that, it’s my home.’
‘But it’s true.’
‘The truth is we’ve totally out-grown this house. But you know what our finances are like.’
Lisa replied, ‘Let’s say “fluid”. I did warn you he wouldn’t change. I know he loves Megan, but even she isn’t reason enough to stop. He’s convinced there’s a big win waiting for him out there.’
Beth couldn’t deny that Lisa was right. ‘It’s like we’re forever going round in circles. Most days, I’m scared to open the front door.’
‘Yeah, but whenever I think you’re getting up the guts to leave him, he goes crawling back to that sponsor of his, and manages to convince you he’s changed.’
‘I know you think I’m stupid for staying. But we have Megan to think of.’
‘This life is not sustainable. You can’t keep his addiction from her forever.’
Beth shook her head. ‘OK, I get it. Please, let’s concentrate on her birthday party. You can slag my husband off all the other days of the year.’
‘Oh, I intend to!’ Lisa turned her attention to the presents. ‘What else is there to wrap, apart from the doll’s house.’
Beth reeled off a list of items.
‘You’ve gone overboard this year.’ Lisa sounded disapproving.
‘Well, why the hell shouldn’t I? If I hadn’t spent the money on toys, James would simply have gambled it away. I’d rather see her face when she realises how many gifts she’s got.’
‘Fair enough. But you don’t want to spoil the child.’
‘You sound like Nanna with the chips.’
James walked into the lounge, searching for his keys.
‘Are you going to take Megan out? I can’t wrap a thing with her in the house.’
‘Why the fuck did you leave it this late to start wrapping?’
‘Don’t swear!’ Beth checked their daughter wasn’t listening.
‘Sorry. But seriously. Today is not a good day for me. I can’t go to the park just now.’
‘Why not? Why isn’t today a good day. It’s her party day.’
He was already collecting up his keys and phone, preparing to leave. She just knew he wasn’t planning to take his daughter with him.
‘I’ve got to meet someone. I’ll …’ He leant over and absent-mindedly tried to kiss her. ‘If I don’t get back here in time, I’ll see you at the hall. OK? Three o’clock, isn’t it?’
‘Whoa there. You’re not going out on your own. Not now. I need help.’
James stared at her. Right into her face. She wondered what he was thinking. He seemed to be gauging the situation.
‘Why are you looking at me like that?’ It was disturbing.
He shook his head. Exhaling, he whispered, ‘I’m sorry.’ And without another word, he left.
Beth was furious. He knew there was no way she could make all the sandwiches and wrap the presents, with Megan in the house. What the hell is he playing at?
She called Pat, who agreed to come and pick Megan up and entertain her at her house for a while.
‘Is Daddy coming to the party?’ Megan asked as she climbed into her special seat in the back of Pat’s car.
‘Of course, he is. He can’t wait.’ Beth gave her daughter a reassuring smile.
‘He was angry today.’ There was no fooling Megan. Even at the age of five, she, sadly, picked up on her dad’s moods.
Making something up on the spot, Beth said, ‘He was a bit, yes. But only because he had to go to work this morning, and he wasn’t free to take you to the park.’
Pat gave her daughter a look that completely reflected her thoughts on James.
‘I’m really grateful for your help, Mum.’
‘I’m happy to see my granddaughter, you know that. Besides, I couldn’t let you struggle alone.’ The sub context being, James shouldn’t either. Pat was right, of course. His habit affected them all.
‘Grandma will bring you to the hall, just before three. I’ll see you there, OK?’ Kissing Megan, Beth handed Pat a bag. ‘Her party dress, tights, hairband, shoes, everything she needs is in here.’
‘Right you are.’ Pat squeezed her hand gently, as she took the bag. Jumping in the car, she said, ‘Come on then, girlie-twirly, let’s get going to Grandma and Grandpa’s.’
Back in the house, and now with a bit of peace and quiet on offer, Beth cracked on with the jobs that needed doing.
As she wrapped the doll’s house, she asked Lisa, ‘Do you think she’ll like it?’
‘She’ll adore it. We never had anything as flash as this.’
Beth agreed. ‘I know you think I’ve gone a bit mad this year. But ‒’
‘You’re trying to make up for the fact her dad is a knob, I know.’
‘Not just that. I want things to be perfect. For years, I thought I’d never get my wish. I still have to pinch myself sometimes to believe I’m a mummy. Thank goodness, James managed to produce one sperm that knew the way.’
‘Three friggin’ cheers for James.’
Once wrapped, Beth manhandled all the presents down the stairs, and placed them by the front door, ready to put in the boot of the car at the last minute. Next it was on to the sandwiches. What seemed like hundreds of slices of bread were waiting to be buttered.
As she worked, she ran through the list of things to be done, with Lisa. ‘Mum’s got the cake. She’s taking it to the hall at three. Someone from the school is providing crisps and nibbles, I can’t remember exactly whose mum she is, but I’ll know her face when I see it. And … um … what else, oh yes, Michelle’s bringing choc ices, she’s already checked there’s a freezer in the kitchen at the hall.’
It was all rather mundane and ordinary. The kind of conversation all mothers have before their child’s party. How was Beth to know that soon it would all be totally irrelevant?