Allie
It's been a few days since that incredible night of sex with Xavier. He made me feel things that I never felt before. He took me to realms of bliss that I didn't even know existed.
Lately, he's all I can think about and that makes me nervous. I know he's a bad boy and I know he's a player, but somehow I've become wrapped up in him.
You'd think he would've at least called by now, but he hasn't. So I'm trying not to get my hopes up.
I haven't booked any more jobs since that video either, which is frustrating. I have rent to pay.
Nothing is guaranteed in this business. I've learned that the hard way. But if I don't figure out something soon, I'm gonna have to take a second job.
I make a cappuccino and then take my laptop outside to the common terrace I share with some people in my building. At least I have this outdoor space in NYC, which is damn hard to come by.
I get comfy and pull my sweater tighter to shield against the fall air. There's nothing like fall in the city. I have a nice view of a tree-lined street where the leaves are just beginning to turn to shades of orange and deep red.
Unfortunately, I'm unable to appreciate it as much as I should because my career is looming over me. I may not be able to afford to live here through the winter, and that thought is disheartening.
I can't even let myself think of how it will to crawl home to my parents and have to admit that I failed.
I'm an aspiring model and actress and this career has come with a certain cliché. No one thinks you can make it big because so many people try.
I push those thoughts from my mind and get on the internet to see if my video is up yet on Hard Pressed.
As soon as the site opens, I’m stunned into a shocked silence. The ground suddenly feels unstable beneath my chair.
There's my face, the video, all under the caption "Beware: The Spread of STDs."
What in fucking hell is this? This can't be right.
With trembling hands, I press play and I see a video play about how STDs can spread so quickly from person to person. And guess who seems to be the spokesperson for it?
Me.
The video highlights a bunch of statistics about STDs.
And then there I am saying, "Okay, well, for something to go viral let's say a person named Jamie has it and he then hangs out with Sarah and gives it to her and then Sarah gives it to Charles. This is how things get spread and before you know, it’s spread around to everyone you know and everyone they know."
Oh my God.
My words have been edited. While in the shoot I was talking about a video going viral, they've edited my words to include STD, which I know I never said.
I don't know how this happened. I certainly didn't do my research into what the shoot was for, but I trusted my new agent Harry and I trusted Xavier to put me in the right position.
I never dreamed the video would be about this. If I had known, I would've done it. They've painted me to look like I have a true STD.
Is this even legal?
The sad thing is, I don’t know. I didn’t even bother to read the contract. You’d think I’d have learned my lesson after Cheri.
But no. Here I’ve gone and gotten myself royally screwed all over again.
It doesn't look like I'm a model posing for a shoot, pretending to have an STD. All my words have been twisted and it sounds like I really do have one.
I frantically search the Internet to see how far the video has spread. I go to YouTube and see that it has 800,000 views already.
Holy fuck. Oh my God, what have I done?
I feel nauseous. My ears are ringing.
I hold onto the sides of my chair to steady myself as the world spins. I feel like I have vertigo. Everything seems a little off balance.
A rush of adrenaline pumps through my body as I realize what this might mean. My reputation is on the line, and with this thing getting so many views people are always gonna know me as that model with an STD.
"Are you all right?" some stranger asks me.
I guess I must look as ill as I feel. I continue to hold my seat as the world appears simultaneously frozen and spinning at the same time.
"Thank you, no, I'm fine," I say to him. I don’t even know how I force the words out.
I don't know what to do or what my next step is. Can I have them take it down? I can try but if they don't agree there's no way I can afford a lawyer right now.
I think back to when I signed the contract for this shoot. I thought everything would be in the clear. I was stupid and naïve and trusting.
But now that I’ve signed, I don't think I have any course of action. I have no retribution. I fucking signed up for it. With a goddamn smile on my face.
A sense of claustrophobia takes over. I feel the walls of my life closing in and I don't know how I'll get out of this mess.
I pick my stuff up and rush back into the building to my apartment. I'm frantic, needing to get this thing contained. But I have a sinking suspicion my efforts will be in vain. The video has almost a million fucking views already.
I scramble to the phone and call the one person I know I can trust. Lindsay.
"Hi, Lindsay, it's me, Allie. You'll never guess what just happened."
"Allie, I think I've already seen it," she says, her somber voice telling me all I need to know.
Oh my God, if Lindsay's already seen it that means most of the world probably will before long.
"You saw my video?"
"I'm afraid I have. Babe, I'm so sorry. Listen, I know it's not true and I know everyone else will think that also."
The truth hits me like a ton of bricks. Lindsay's trying to be nice, and she's trying to soothe me, but the fact is people are definitely gonna think I have an STD from now on.
I mean, I know it’s a serious thing. I know people suffer from this every day. I’m not making light of it. But this could effectively ruin my career for the types of jobs I want to go for. I’ll always be known as the STD video girl.
Every time a new casting director Googles my name this is gonna come up. I will never escape this vicious shoot. I will never live it down.
"Lindsay, I think I've just committed career suicide and I didn't even know what I was doing. I thought the video was for something else entirely. I didn’t say what it looks like I said. They've edited this to make it look like I really have an STD. I'll never have a normal life again."
"It's okay, Allie. There's a way around this. You just have to figure out how to clear your name."
She's trying to be a good friend, and she really is, but despair still washes over me.
"I know you're right, Lindsay, but at this point, I just want to stay in my house and be a hermit forever. How can I show my face around town again?"
"You can do that, Allie," she says supportively. "You have every right to just lay low for a while. But trust me, this thing is gonna blow over. It's not gonna haunt you forever. And besides, nobody watches these boring old videos anyway."
"Thanks so much, Lindsay,” I say, but I don’t feel any better.
"Okay, sweetie, call me if you need anything. And I'll call and check on you."
I make an attempt at a joke. "Can you pick up my groceries and dry-cleaning forever?"
We both laugh but I'm gonna be staring at a lot of delivery menus, this I know for sure.
Lindsay says what only a good friend would.
"I will seriously do that for you. If you feel like you can never leave the house again, I will be your personal slave and make sure you have everything you need."
At least that gets a laugh out of me. "Thank you. You're always there for me."
At least I have one person in the world that I can count on. I don't know how this happened, but I have to get to the bottom of it.
For now, I decide to sulk. I play some moody music that has a sense of melancholy and I lick my wounds.
I'm going to take a long, hot bath and pretend that this day never happened. At least in this moment, here in my own space, I can imagine that this never happened.
I let the water run and my tears fall. There's no holding back this rush of emotion. I feel betrayed but I'm not sure by who. Did my agent do this? Or was it Xavier?
How is it that I keep having such bad luck in the modeling world? Maybe I'm not meant to be here at all. Maybe I should've just stayed in my hometown and been satisfied with the status quo. Instead, I had to move to fucking New York City and try to make something of myself.
Well, look at me now. I couldn't get much lower than this.
I get into the bath and make sure there are lots of bubbles. Then I put a cold compress over my eyes and just try to disappear from the world.