Xavier
We’re in the café, my favorite haunt in NYC. The exposed brick and ancient beams give this place a rustic quality that I will never tire of. There are quite a few patrons here but Allie’s tucked nicely in the back corner of our table so it’s doubtful anyone recognizes her besides the staff.
"So tell me, Allie, what is your biggest regret in life?" I ask over our coffee.
She thinks about my question for a while.
“There's only one regret that stands out to me. And it has to do with this guy Stanley I knew in high school.”
"Oh really?" Suddenly I'm way more interested. Where is this coming from?
"Well, you might find this story boring, but it has to do with how I lost my virginity."
"Go on." My eyes dance as I think back to the moment.
It was special for me too, considering I was the guy she lost it to. Well, the guy I thought she lost it to. After what happened after, I knew the truth.
My level of fucking has gone up about a million times since then, but she was still my first.
Too bad she doesn't realize it was me, otherwise she could've been Mrs. Armstrong and her life wouldn't be in shambles right now.
"The truth is," she says. "I was really hurt in high school by this one guy, and more than that, this one girl who was supposed to be my best friend."
I find I'm sitting on the edge of my seat, anxious to hear her side of the story.
"So, there was this guy, his name was Stanley. He was kind of a nerd, but I always felt something for him. He was so smart, and that attracted me to him a lot. I knew that he would make something of himself in life."
I look at her intently, knowing full well that she's describing me. Is that really how she saw me back then?
She continues, "So I was a cheerleader and I was friends with this girl on the squad named Becky. I didn't realize until later that she was incredibly jealous of me and she had it out for me. Anyway, back to Stanley. He and I had a date scheduled and I relied on Becky my friend to tell him where it was. But I found out later she told him the wrong place, so he thought I stood him up."
I'm all ears now because I remember Becky, but I didn't know she meddled in our situation. This is news to me. I thought Allie stood me up that night of our first date. And I’ve been operating on that presumption. That's why I stood her up the other day at Blackwell's.
If this is true, then suddenly things are looking very bad for me. Even worse than they already do.
"So, the thing is," she says. "Stanley and I, well, we had a connection. We ended up losing our virginity to each other despite missing the first date. It was a high school thing and it was one magical night. I felt as connected to him as I have ever to another human being."
Oh my fucking God. What she's describing is exactly how I felt that first night with her. I knew we had a connection. I felt it then like I feel it now.
Even more, she’s telling me she did lose her virginity to me, something I didn’t believe after the fact. And this changes everything.
"But after that night," she says, "he left school suddenly and I didn't see him for a while. I found out that my so-called friend Becky had told him I had an STD. Seems relevant to my life right now doesn't it?"
Fuck. She doesn't sense the connection. I purposely put her in the STD commercial out of spite for what she did to me. Becky told me that Allie had an STD and didn't tell me. Made me believe she’d lied about me being he first. Lied about everything.
This is all so wrong.
"Anyway, Becky told Stanley that I had an STD and that I didn't tell him before we had sex. I think he was really mad at me and I think that's why he left school. He thought I gave him an STD. I was so devastated because I really cared about this guy. I gave him my virginity after all."
There it is again. She really was a virgin. She wasn’t sleeping around. Everything I thought I knew is all wrong.
"So, what happened?" I try to act the part of the new guy just trying to understand.
"Wow, you seem really interested in the story," she says to me.
"Well, I just want to learn more about you," I say. "Tell me how it ends."
"Okay, well, Becky told me that Stanley had moved on. She said he was dating someone else. In my own grief at losing Stanley, I decided to try to get back at him in case I ever saw him again. I didn't know why he left me. I didn't know that Becky had told him I had an STD. So, the quarterback of the football team asked me out and I said yes. We went to prom together and Stanley was there. I flaunted my love for this football player in front of him.
“I didn't want Stanley to know that he hurt me so much by abandoning me. Remember, I had no idea Becky had been working behind the scenes to ruin me. And ruin me she did. Because after that, I never saw Stanley again. But I never stopped caring about him either. So, I guess you can say that's my biggest regret."
I have nothing to say. I'm just silent. Now it all makes perfect sense. I remember Becky. She was the go-between with Allie and me. And she really destroyed everything we had and everything we could have been. I had no idea I shouldn’t trust her. And it sounds like Allie didn't know either.
I am just astonished that one girl, this Becky, could have such an evil heart as to ruin lives.
Her actions devastated me. And this entire time I had no idea that Allie was hurting too.
So I've been operating entirely out of false assumptions. Suddenly my need to protect Allie is at the forefront of my mind.
The walls come down and I allow myself to care for her at last. I've been suppressing it all these years, but she really is the person for me. There’s no denying it any longer. It’s always been her.
And me? I've dismantled her entire life. Because of my actions, she may be out of work for a lifetime. She may never come to realize her full potential.
"Allie, I'm so sorry," I say, but the message is veiled. "I'm sorry that happened to you."
Really, I'm sorry for what I've done.
"I want you to be happy and to forget about the past," I say to her, wracking my brain for a way to fix all this.
Tears form in her eyes.
"Thanks, Xavier, that means a lot." She wipes the tears away and says, "I don't know why I'm crying. It's silly, really. I mean, it was so long ago. He probably doesn't even remember my name. I just wish that girl hadn't come between us. I guess you could say that I have a hard time trusting female friends now."
My heart breaks for her and for myself. We were both robbed of a happy ending. I've spent years hating Allie for what I thought she did, and for what? I've wasted time being bitter. And all of that stops now.
I will not let Becky steal another moment from us. From this day forward, I will make it up to Allie.
Years of hurt and pain are coming off of me like how a snake sheds its skin. I see that I've been a player because I was too afraid of getting hurt again. I thought Allie never cared about me and I could not have been more wrong.
She's the only person to have seen me for what I was, a geeky, awkward kid, and to love me anyway. She saw my potential when no one else did, and what did I do? I sabotaged her career as a model, possibly forever.
"Allie, it's going to be okay." I'm unsure of the words even as I say them. "We'll fix it, okay?"
She looks at me. "Why are you suddenly so interested in helping me? What's changed?"
I wish I could tell her. I want to divulge the truth right here. But I just got her back and I can't afford to jeopardize that now.
First, she needs to know that she can be safe with me. I'm done with the games, and I'm done trying to destroy and damage her. This is our new beginning.