Xavier
I walk back to my office in a fucked up state thinking of what I did to that guy on the street and thinking of what I did to Allie. Carrying this secret is eating me up inside. I feel like the worst kind of person and this is just not the guy I am. I'm better than this.
I stroll the offices of Hard Pressed and eventually make my way up to the penthouse. I don't know what I'll do when I get there. Will I call Allie and confess? Will I work on smoothing over her career? Likely both.
I feel confused and that's not a normal state for me. Normally I'm in control of every facet of my life. That level of control gives me a feeling of regularity and calm.
And yet here I am spinning out of control over a woman.
I sought to hurt her and I certainly accomplished that. But never in my wildest dreams would I have thought that now I'd be falling in love with her.
I do love Allie.
That's a truth I can no longer hide or run from. I have to face the truth of that at least. How I'm going to explain myself to her I still don’t know.
I'm still undecided as to whether I should tell her the truth or not. If I tell her, I will lose her. But if I don't, I'll be tormented by guilt for the rest of my life.
My despondency is at the forefront of my mind. I feel like a ball of thunder. I feel like the slightest provocation will make me lose my fucking grip on life. I feel so much rage and anger, and a lot of it is towards that girl Becky who screwed us both over.
I'm hopeful that the press conference today will do something to help Allie's career. But I still haven't seen her and I won't know anything until I do.
I ride the elevator to my office and the doors open. There she is, sitting in my office, waiting for me.
"Hey, Allie, what a pleasant surprise. Did you see the press conference?"
I walk towards her and see that she has an angry expression on her face. What could be wrong?
"How could you have done that to me, Stanley?"
Whoa wait.
Wait a fucking minute, she just called me Stanley.
That means she knows what's been going on.
"How did you find out?" I ask, unable to look her fully in the eyes.
"What do you mean how did I find out? That’s all you have to say? You've been deceiving me this entire time. I don't have to answer to you. But you do need to answer to me. What were you thinking, Stanley? Why did you try to destroy my career?"
I might as well come clean. There's no other recourse. I'm willing to accept my fate.
I approach her but she won't let me touch her. She pushes me away.
"Fine, Allie. Do you want to know? Think about the story you told me at the café the other day. Think about how you said Becky betrayed you. Well, guess what? She betrayed me too.
“After we slept together she told me that you had an STD and didn't tell me. How do you think that made me feel? I gave my virginity to you and after that, I thought you’d lied to me the entire time. That you’d been sleeping around. I loved you and it broke my heart."
She's looking at me and her anger dissolves into a knowing expression like it's all finally making sense to her.
"She said that to you?" she asks.
"Hell yes, she said that," I say. "She told me the wrong location for our first date, and then she told me you had an STD after we slept together. I was so pissed and hurt Allie. I thought I meant nothing to you. I didn't know what to do. So I left school.
“And then when I even thought about coming back to you, I went to the prom you were there with the quarterback. How do you think all of that made me feel? Like all my suspicions were correct. I've been harboring a grudge against you for years."
She looks like I just wounded her with a knife to the heart.
"You mean, you've hated me for all these years?" she says the words slowly, and I see tears forming in her eyes.
God, how it kills me to know that I've caused this pain. She looks beautiful even when she cries. I want to go to her and comfort her. I want to make it all okay.
"I'm gonna tell you the truth, okay? But I want you to think of it from my perspective. And I want you to remember this one thing, Allie...I love you. I know for sure that I love you and I always have."
"Wait a minute, you love me?"
Her words make me feel like less of a man. She still doesn't know the extent of what I've done and what will she think of me then?
"Yes, Allie, I love you."
I want to move to embrace her but I stay where I am. I won't do anything until I come clean fully. Until she knows the whole truth.
"The thing is, Allie, I've been trying to take you down. I set you up with that agent, Harry. I told him to book you for the video shoot. I didn't want you to know what it was about. I had it staged to make you answer the questions in such a way that I could edit it. I made the video, Allie. I did it all." I feel like a fucking monster admitting all this.
"I made it look like you have an STD to get you back for what you did to me. I wanted to hurt you and to make you suffer in such a way that you would feel my pain. I had it all wrong, baby. I'm so, so sorry."
She's staring at me with a look of rage and sadness all at once.
I go on. "I own this company. Hard Pressed is mine. And I've been lying to you this whole time. And I'm so sorry. I can’t tell you just how sorry. And I didn't know about Becky or about the past and your perspective. I know I hurt you and there's no excuse and I'm just…so sorry."
I see my betrayal reflected in her eyes. She's crying now and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I deserve every bit of her hatred.
"You've been behind all of this. You were out to ruin me, Xavier, and you did it. You won. I'm defeated. Because of what you did, I can no longer afford to live in New York City. I'm packing my bags to go back home. You destroyed my life and my career. I guess that's what you always wanted. So, congratulations. You must be pretty fucking pleased with yourself."
I rush to her side as if to convey my remorse somehow. I had no idea she was thinking of leaving the city. What the fuck will I do without her? I can't let her go.
"Allie, it doesn't have to be like that. I didn't realize what Becky had done. I had it all wrong. I'm so sorry. You can stay with me. We can live together and be together and finally be happy. We don't have to be affected by this bullshit anymore. We can have the chance we missed out on all those years ago."
With firm resolution, she says, "You just don't get it, do you? You can't just hurt people like that and expect to get away with it. How can I ever trust you again? Why would I even want to?"
The look of disgust on her face cuts me to the core. She pushes me aside and storms out of my office. The last thing I see is her beautiful blonde hair, her perfect body, and her tear-stained face disappearing into the elevator.
She tries to hide her face in her hands and then the door closes. And that's it. It’s over. I've lost her.
I go to my desk and take a seat. The magnitude of what I've done finally hits me. Hard.
The one girl I've ever loved now hates me. I run my hands through my hair and think of ways to win her back. There's got to be a solution.
Whether she hates me or not I will not rest until I make things right for her. She will have my devotion whether she wants it or not. Things with Allie go so far past fucking that I can’t even comprehend the depth of my feelings for her.
Even though I want to go after her and sweep her up in my arms and make her mine, again and again, I resist because I know she hates me and I have to respect that boundary.
I need her. I love her. But I don’t fucking know if I’ll ever have her again.
I sink into a deep depression as I imagine my days spent without this beautiful angel who has so captivated my heart. Normally I'm so bored by seeing women throw themselves at me. But Allie's different, and I may have lost out on that. Missed my chance. When I first saw her, I should have recognized it for what it was. A second chance.
Well, I went and fucked that up too.
The days ahead look dark and dreary. My mood matches the rainclouds that are forming outside. I can see the storm coming in from my view at the top.
Money doesn't mean anything unless you have the right person to share it with. I set out to teach her a lesson, but I’m the one who was schooled, and I guess I've learned my lesson the hard way.
By losing the only woman I’ve ever loved.