Ford
Fuck.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
I stare at my tent—or more accurately, what’s left of it.
It’s in a tattered mess, with one half collapsed.
A giant tear has created a window where there wasn’t one before. Now, it’s effectively useless.
Clothing and toiletries are spread at the front, a giant mess that creates its own walkway.
“Fuck!” I say out loud this time.
What could possibly be responsible for this disaster?
As if in reaction, the tent bounces.
What the…is there something in there?
It moves again.
And again.
Then I see a flash of white peek out the door.
The fucking thing grins at me before darting back inside.
“Hey, you!”
I move with all the stealth of a hippo, stomping toward the tent to salvage what I can.
What happened to my fucking nimbleness and usual speed?
I hear shrieking laughter behind me, and I know who it is without having to look.
“I told you to lock your tent, Ford. But nooo, Mr. Tough and Mighty over here doesn’t listen.”
I growl at her in response before ripping open the tent.
Inside, several Vervet monkeys are jumping around and ransacking my gear.
“Hey!” I yell again.
A pair of boxers flies by my face.
All but one ignores me. The one who looks up pops what looks like a cough drop in its mouth nonchalantly.
Fucker.
The rest go on destroying my stuff. If they find my ammunition, all hell will break loose.
Another one is unwinding toilet paper in cat-like fashion.
The inside of the tent is disastrous. It seriously looks like fucking Armageddon in here.
My clothes are strewn everywhere—clean mixed with dirty.
My food rations obliterated with packages ripped open, the wrappers discarded.
Noodles and seasoning packets litter the floor.
And…is that my toothpaste smeared all over the wall?
Sure enough, chewed up toothpaste tubes are scattered around.
At least they won’t have bad breath…but me? Christ.
This day couldn’t get any worse.
I try chasing them off to no avail. Shooing them isn’t working. Yelling isn’t either.
These things aren’t scared of me in the least.
Of course, they’re not. They’re used to villagers, and while I hate to admit it, Adelaide did warn me to keep my tent secured.
This is probably why.
The only option I have left is to physically remove these pains in the ass myself, one by fucking one.
I’m not afraid; I’ve dealt with worse than this.
On the battlefield and missions.
What are a few monkeys?
Sure, they left a giant mess in their wake, but they’re otherwise harmless, right?
A swift kick to the ass ought to do it, because I’m not getting close enough for them to sink their chompers in me. Minty fresh breath or not.
A flash of movement to my right has me reeling around to where one of these motherfuckers has my gun in its hand.
Regular Rambo monkey over here. If I weren’t so pissed, I’d probably break down laughing right here and now. I probably will at some point in the future.
The gun’s pointed right at me, but I know it’s not loaded.
Thank goodness.
I can just see the headlines now: ‘Former Top CIA Agent gets Balls Blown off Protecting Heiress.’
Yeah…not a good look. Not today, thanks.
“Gimme that!” I yell, yanking the pistol out of its hand.
It just stares blankly at me, before grabbing one of the few unopened MREs.
I try to grab that too, but the fucker’s too quick. He disappears out the door, bounty in hand.
The laughter continues outside—only now, there’s more of it.
I look behind me.
The flap is open, and I can see Adelaide wiping tears away and a few other villagers having a grand ol’ chuckle at my misfortune.
“A little help would be nice!” I roar.
More laughter.
“I told you what to do…”
Her voice is saccharine.
I don’t want to hear this right now. Instead, I mentally prepare myself to wrangle these critters out of my tent.
Like a spoiled little boy, I go to shut the tent flap again. If they’re going to laugh, I don’t want them to fucking see me.
I grab my bullets and start loading the pistol, nudging the monkeys one at a time toward the door with my foot. The largest one refuses to budge, and I have half a mind to punt it across the village.
But I don’t. Instead, I shove harder.
“Get out!” I lower my voice several octaves and roar at the thing.
Pretending to be a predator might just work.
If he doesn’t fucking move his monkey ass out of here any time soon, I think I’ll shoot it.
After a decent battle of wits and mockery, I manage to get them all out, and finish loading my gun.
Sweat’s dripping down my forehead as I emerge from the tent. I aim my gun in the direction that the monkeys ran.
“Hey, Ford…” Adelaide walks up, cheeks flushed from laughing. “You can’t do that, they’re protected. Shoot them, and you’ll end up in jail.”
That stops me in my tracks.
What dumbass made that fucking law? There seem so many of the fuckers, they don’t seem like they need protection.
Grumbling, I lower my weapon.
I’m not going to jail for some oversized rodents. Fuck that.
“You know what,” she says between gasps of laughter, “what am I saying? Go right ahead! It’d be a good way of getting rid of you again.”
This fucking woman, she’s enough to drive a man fucking mad.
“I’d much rather not, thank you,” I start grabbing stuff that’s in front of the tent.
A strap of fabric appears in front of my face, dangling from a stick.
I look up, and there’s Adelaide with her cheeky grin.
What’s on the stick?
A pair of boxers.
“They’re not gonna eat you,” I huff, snatching them off the stick.
“No, but I don’t know if they’re clean or not. I’d rather not find out.”
I toss them in her direction, “Take a whiff, then!”
She shrieks and jumps backward, swatting her hand as though the cotton shorts were flying around, taunting her. I can’t help but burst out laughing.
She looks gorgeous when she laughs, her blue eyes full of mirth and delight.
Then she starts picking up stuff, helping me get the mess under control.
What a fucking day.
And it’s nowhere near over yet.
Seriously—what have I gotten myself into?
Since I’ve arrived, nothing’s gone right.
And now, my rations are sprawled all over, half demolished, and a big mess looms.
I suppose at least I came prepared and brought plenty, enough to last me for at least a year.
With a shake of my head, I stand up again and survey the disaster zone.
Oh, well. It could always be worse.
Right?