Chapter 27

Ruby

I’m still really freaked out about what just happened, but now my temper fires up and distracts me. I welcome the change in mood and don’t question it. Only later do I realize that Wyatt has probably triggered me on purpose to avoid talking about it.

“I’m a grown woman, Wyatt. I decide what’s best for me. No one else.” I scowl, glaring up at him.

I’m outraged by his suggestion on so many levels.

That he could even think of making a decision concerning me without my input. That he should assume things about me. Most of all, for excluding me from his heart so easily.

“You don’t know everything there is to know about it, Ruby.”

“So, why not tell me so I can have all the vital information I need to make my decision?”

I know I’m being a catty, dramatic bitch with my sarcastic tone, but I can’t help it. He really struck me with a low blow. And after our heart-to-heart.

He draws a hand down his face, shaking his head.

“Don’t put me in a corner over this. I am telling you. Some things you just don’t talk about.”

His eyes look over my head, somewhere far away. I know he’s lost in his memories. I can see how they torment him.

Doesn’t he trust me enough to share it with me? It hurts so much to think of that. Maybe he’s hurting so much, he can’t see anything clearly. Like an animal with a wound that attacks anyone who comes near.

I feel cool, calm concern coming to blanket my angry rage. I’m still frustrated, but I’m moving past angry.

“I’m dangerous, Ruby. That’s all you need to know.”

“Don’t give me that crap, Wyatt! What do you mean, dangerous? You’re the same guy you were in school.” So far, he has not seemed all that different to me. A little quieter, maybe. I don’t feel any violence in him at all, only sadness and regret.

He shakes his head, violently.

“No! My time in the service affected me. That’s all I need to say, isn’t it? I can’t remember the official party line right now. But all the dark nasty shit associated with those words is personal to me. Do you get it? I’m a weapon. All I can do is kill.”

I look at him steadily, arms crossed over my chest. He’s reacting all over the place, with hand gestures, erratic eye contact, and even pacing a few steps. I see tension running through his muscles as he turns away.

A few minutes ago, all I wanted was for him to open his eyes. I just wanted to cradle him in my arms and make the bad things go away. Now, he’s trying to tell me he IS one of the bad things. And that he should go away.

“Are you telling me that you’re going to hurt me?” I pose.

I keep my voice low and even. Forcing him to turn back and look at me. His eyes, lit by the firelight, look red-rimmed and panic stricken.

“I won’t mean to,” he whispers, so softly. “I don’t want to.”

“Then, don’t!” I yell. I step forward, desperate to hold him, to bring back the intimacy of only a few minutes before, when we flirted by the fire.

He lunges away, not letting me touch him.

“Wyatt!” I cry out in frustration. He looks at me like he wants to come to me and comfort me. Silently, I will him to understand. To come back to my side and hold me.

“Ruby,” he says softly. His fingers twitch.

He wants to touch me, I just know it. All I have to do is convince him it’s safe. That I can handle it.

He doesn’t need a damsel he can rescue. He needs a strong, understanding woman that can stand by him. Someone he can rely on when the going gets tough.

I don’t care how tough it gets. I never want to be away from him again. I just have to convince him.

“All I see right now is someone in need of help. You didn’t do anything bad. I know whatever it was, it was intense for you—”

“Don’t pretend you know anything about it!” he exclaims harshly.

I smile, recognizing the attempt of a wounded creature to protect its pain. I feel so calm now. This isn’t Wyatt rejecting me; I have complete faith he wants me as much as I want him.

I just have to get through his defenses.

“I’m not. I’m just telling you what I saw. No matter what was going on in your mind, you didn’t lash out. You didn’t do anything physical. I don’t know what you’re so worried about.”

He shakes his head, raising a hand and looking at his knuckles. I know from looking at his hands earlier and running my fingers across his skin that the knuckles are scarred.

“I have done things. Memories. They come on me, and—I can’t explain it. I can’t talk about it.”

“I’m not asking you to,” I try to explain.

I’m almost lost for words now. I don’t know how to bring him back to me. Maybe just listen and keep asking him to talk.

“It’s too much. All of this. I wanted you—I wanted to see you. I had all sorts of crazy ideas. But I was being selfish; it’s just far better to not get involved. Better for everyone.”

I shake my head. “Don’t you dare! Don’t you dare make that decision for me. You won’t even tell me everything, and maybe that’s okay. I’m not asking you to bare your soul to me. At least not now. I am asking you to trust me.”

He takes a step closer, looking at me with wide eyes. “Trust you? I’m the one that’s a fucking maniac.”

“That’s what you keep telling yourself. Easier that way, isn’t it? Then you can push away everyone. Even the ones that love you and want to help. Keep telling yourself you’re the one who’s damaged, and you have the perfect excuse.”

I take a step closer. Quietly, gently. Like sneaking up on a deer grazing in the woods.

“You can keep pushing people away and say it’s fine because they don’t understand and you might hurt them. It’s much easier than facing the problem. Do you think you can run from it forever?”

He doesn’t move away as I come another step closer and take his hand.

“I hear you Ruby, I do. It might even be time to start facing up to it. But I can’t risk hurting you. I don’t want you involved. Those feelings we had—we were just kids. It doesn’t mean anything.”

I have a little laugh, tossing my head back. “Are you kidding me? That’s your big reason? You are totally right. We were just kids.”

I look up into his face, trapping his hand in both of mine as I smile.

“But I’m not a kid anymore, Wyatt. It took years for those feelings to develop into what I feel now. It’s not like I can just put these feelings aside, either. Maybe if I was still a kid, I could find another crush to move on to. But I’ve been thinking about you way too long for that.”

“I don’t know what you mean,” he lies. He looks so hurt and sad that I can feel it in my chest.

“I mean, if this was something I could just ‘get over’ and put aside, I would have done it already. The fact that I’m still thinking about you at all means it’s more than just a crush. My feelings for you are real. I’m not giving up on you.”

“I don’t understand,” he lies again. He looks so broken, so very lost.

Has no one bothered to look beneath the hard facade all this time? Did the majority of people around him just fall for it? How could they let him walk away?

Maybe it’s just because I can see it, I’m able to view him in a completely different light. I know he needs help. I can see it written all over him.

He needs love. Maybe I need to own up to myself, as well.

“I love you, Wyatt. I think I always have. And I’m not letting go.”