Ford
To say I fucked up would be an understatement. I can’t even look at myself in the mirror without wanting to spit at myself.
God, the way Addie looked at me after I beat that kid up, it was like she was looking at a deranged animal.
Pure disgust.
It was like she was analyzing everything we’ve been through together. Replaying all the events in her head, cringing at her own choices.
Regretting letting me protect her, touch her. Enter her.
Why did I let my emotions get carried away like that? If Addie thinks I’m an animal, then she’s right, because that’s how animals think:
Wild, unhinged, violent.
No chick wants to be around a guy who’s like that, especially not Addie.
I remember the wide-eyed look of fear in that boy’s eyes. How his thick blood poured down his swollen face and down his throat, making him gag.
My fists are still warm and sticky.
In the bathroom of the hotel, I wash my hands, watching the water turn a soft pink. I grudgingly look at my reflection in the mirror and notice there are spots of blood on my face.
Damn, I really am like an animal. Why did I let my emotions get to me like that? Sometimes I think I scare even myself.
It’s so strange being in the hotel room now. A day ago, it was a lavish room that looked so welcoming, like stepping into a familiar hug from an old friend. And I’m not even the hugging type.
But now the room feels like something foreign and different. The energy is tense and cold. I can’t even get comfortable because I now feel like a trespasser.
It’s like somebody has flipped a switch, and now everything’s different, and I no longer belong.
Just being here all alone with my thoughts is crushing me.
The weight of my own guilt is fucking suffocating. I can feel it all around me as it oozes through the walls and the windows. I beat my fists against my head, trying to beat out the thoughts.
I’m so stupid! I can’t do anything right, and now my bullshit has hurt the one person I give a shit about.
I admit that I have done some fucked-up shit in the past. I’m not proud of it, but I’m man enough to admit that I’ve made mistakes, ones that I can’t take back. Mistakes that will stay with me forever.
But you know what? I actually thought I was doing a good job moving away from my past.
I thought I was evolving, becoming some semblance of a human being again instead of some unemotional government robot.
And then Addie came back into my life, like a touch of sunshine straight from heaven.
My sweet Adelaide.
I should’ve known not to taint her with my past. She’s too perfect, too pure for my baggage.
I swear, if anything happens to her, I’d crumble and die. There are very little things I care about on this dumb planet, but she’s definitely number one.
And now that that motherfucker Demetri Bordeaux is back, things are really too dangerous for her to be around me.
What the fuck is he doing here in Nairobi anyway? Definitely nothing useful or good.
I give up.
I’ve tried, I really did.
I tried to be normal, and it didn’t work. I tried to be happy for once, and life turned around and fucked me up the ass.
It’s how my life has always been, and it’s how my life will always be.
It’s time for me to accept my fate. I’m a fucked-up guy with fucked-up problems, and no one I love should be anywhere near me.
I destroy everything and everyone. It’s like I’m a virus.
Anyone I come in contact with catches it, and then they spread it, too. And then we’re all in this dark cloud together.
I was naive to think she and I could be together.
And to think I actually thought that she might be the one and that I might propose to her. Thinking about it now makes me want to cringe at my own stupidity.
I don’t deserve her, and she doesn’t need me.
Addie has everything: a career she loves, a perfect body, a rich family.
Just imagining us back at home, having a normal life, is just a fantastical dream.
Friends and family would wonder right away about us and wonder why she’s dating some broken asshole like me.
She deserves someone with the right pedigree, the right career, and the correct upbringing.
She deserves a boring guy whose life story could be summed up in a paragraph. Some pampered Ivy Leaguer who’s a huge mama’s boy, who listens to books on tape, meditates, hangs out at wine bars, and eats a dairy-free diet.
That’s the kind of guy Addie needs. Someone who’s as harmless as a field mouse, who would love her and be her plus-one at wedding parties.
Someone who’s safe. Someone who’s boring.
Someone who doesn’t beat teenagers on the street.
Someone who’s not a murderer.
Our relationship is a mistake, plain and simple. I know Addie and I have a past, a history that’s hard to let go. But maybe it’s time to close that chapter for good.
I mean, look at me. A grown man still pining over some old puppy love. Surely there are other women out there.
Honestly, maybe I’m not even worthy of love. I’m not sure if I can emotionally put some other chick through everything I’ve put Addie through.
No, it looks like it’s back to the way I was. Being a loner, a renegade.
The closer people get to me, the more they learn about my past. There’s no way I can keep it hidden anymore. It’s all out in the open now, and people can get seriously hurt from it.
I should’ve been more careful.
I should’ve spoken less and focused more on my work.
Addie, an angelic woman with beauty and intelligence, can pretty much have whoever she wants. And yet she descends from the heavens to fraternize with animals like me. Lowlifes who exploit her while she’s completely exposed and vulnerable in a foreign country.
I took advantage of that.
Standing here in the hotel room, I can see all of Nairobi from the window. It’s insane how a country this beautiful can be so dangerous. It’s not even fair when you think about it.
Since being here, I’ve had a lot of realizations, and one of them is that it’s silly to feel entitled to beautiful things.
But when you dig deeper beyond the surface, you find that there are complexities that you shouldn’t entangle yourself in. Complexities that you can’t control.
So instead, you admire from afar, because that’s all you can do. And that’s what I should have done.
I was sent here to protect. That was my only purpose. Not to fuck it up with my bullshit or get her dragged into dangerous situations that don’t even involve her.
I had a job to do, and frankly, I’ve failed.
I don’t deserve her. I don’t even deserve to be around her or even inhale the same air as her.
I would never forgive myself if something bad happens to her, especially if it’s from my own negligence. I’d rather withstand a firing squad or water torture than let that happen.
There’s no fucking way. Not over my dead body.
And now, in order to right this wrong, there’s one thing I gotta do.
It’s not going to be easy, though.
No, it’s going to be one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever made.