Anger consumed me, and it was even deeper than the heartbreak I was feeling. I was mad at everything, and I didn’t know how to calm myself down. It felt like if I didn’t speak at least one word now, I might burst into flames.
I could only wonder when my back had become a target. Everyone I trusted started stabbing it with their betrayal. It wasn’t a pleasant thing to think about, and it only made my blood boil even more.
I wondered about all of the times this woman had been physically close to me, very close, and I hadn’t even realized it, shrugging my gut feelings away and thinking it was nothing to worry about.
I was wrong.
My present feelings of unease, of being hated, and the turning in my stomach, were all things that I had felt before but discredited them.
I had felt it when I was going to visit my niece; Princess Qamar must have been watching me from behind Queen Mother Shams’ door.
I felt it again when I met her in the library. She’d been completely shocked when I came out of nowhere because she had no idea about the hidden doors and secret tunnels. She’d glared when she looked at my stomach, and I remembered the relief on her face when she realized that I’d mistaken her for my mother-in-law.
I figured out that it was her, not Queen Mother Shams, who had left Talia’s cell the night of the execution with pain and hurt coming from her whole being. I remembered that I’d thought that the Queen Mother was shorter than usual.
It had been so easy to think poorly of my mother-in-law; it had never occurred to me that the sister whom Rosanna had nicknamed The Snake could be her double.
Because again, it was so easy to think of my mother-in-law as a troublemaker. But in reality, Queen Shams never left her wing until we asked her to prepare my meals until the baby was born.
How stupid of me to think that the one who respected the laws and traditions more than anyone in the Kingdom, would try to escape the punishment that her husband had sentenced her to?
Without a second thought, I knew I wouldn’t be making any deals with this horrible woman. But I also didn’t say anything to the contrary; I stayed silent.
“Do you want to hear what I can offer?” she asked with one raised eyebrow and a wicked smile on her lips. Her French accent as she spoke in English was one of the things that gave her away when I saw her by the metal door.
Although I couldn’t remember where or when I had heard her voice before, since I was sure we’d never met, it was the first thing that made me convinced that she was not Mazen’s mother.
My glare stayed in place; it was all I could do. To be honest, a part of me wanted to hear what this woman had to say. I thought that maybe I could play her and find my way out. But a big part of me knew that she most likely had thought about this first.
“Okay, then,” she said after a long minute passed without me changing my mind and giving her a reply. “I guess I’ll tell you the deal and see if you’ll accept or decline. I have a strong feeling that you will agree.” The excitement in her voice, and how sure of herself she sounded to be made me want to rip her throat out.
“I hope by now you realize that you’re going to be dead soon,” she said as if she were reading the news. “I’m only keeping you alive until you give birth to your little demon baby.”
My chest was rising up and down as her words started to affect me; she couldn’t speak that way about my baby. She couldn’t. The need to strangle her right then and there became even more pressing.
“Notice, you were due today, so – you’re already running out of time, my dear.”
My nose started tingling, and I felt as if I was about to cry. That was the last thing I wanted to do. But her words terrified me. Now I knew why she had me captured. I’d thought it was only about me, but it turned out that my baby was a target, too, and that alone scared me to no end.
“Now, listen to me carefully – I will let you give birth, as naturally as possible. I won’t let you rest; you won’t find a moment to sit down. You won’t get any medication to ease your labor. I mean, you’re going to die anyway, right? That would be a waste, don’t you think?” she asked, but wasn’t looking for a reply. “A waste of the medication, not you, mind you,” she laughed.
My nostrils flared, and heat spread all the way down my spine. My cuffed hands formed tight fists, and I clenched my jaw. She was getting through to me, and she knew it.
“After you finally deliver the baby and I can hold it in my arms–” she said, and I stopped breathing. It was killing me to imagine what she might say next, and my chin started quivering. “– you will have two options: number one, you watch me as I kill it slowly the way I wish; or number two, I give it to you to kiss and hug for a good five minutes before I take it back to kill it. See? I’m going to kill it anyway. I believe it’s only fair after what you and your husband did to my children.”
Tears were already forming in my eyes. I was trembling with fear, my face flushed with anger, and my breathing wasn’t at all even. “Your children were monsters,” I shouted, “and they got what they deserved!” My words echoed around the walls of my cell, and it was such a relief to get them out.
The devilish woman seemed to be taken aback by the fact that I yelled at her, but she recovered quickly, showing me with a wicked smile how satisfied she was for getting a response from me.
“They were monsters; I can’t argue with that.” She laughed, seemingly unaffected by my words. “But they were my children, and you took them away from me. Justice must be served.”
“You won’t get away with this. His Majesty will be here soon and he will–” I started to threaten her, but she wasn’t having that.
“I thought you were too stupid to be queen, but – Lord! You’re even stupider than stupid.” she sneered. “You really think he can find you? You’re dreaming. He’s dreaming. You’re in the last place he could think of, believe me.”
“He will find me, you’ll see,” I said, my voice shaking a bit. Her words were affecting me like a nasty spell I couldn’t counteract.
“Right,” she said, seeming unfazed, which pissed me off, especially after she rolled her eyes. “Now, let’s get back to our deal.”
“We have no deal,” I spat. “Your nasty hands will never touch my baby.”
“We’ll see about that.” She smiled. “I’ll leave you to think about it, although I already know what your choice is going to be. Five minutes with your little shit before I kill it, in exchange for a drawing of the palace’s secret passages. Easy as that.”
My eyes widened. Why would she need that? She’d already put my family through hell and back. What damage was left to do?
“See you in a few hours,” she said. “Choose wisely.”
Every inch of my body hurt. My legs, my arms, my shoulders, my back and my stomach. Even my skin was itching and aching. I was in such a miserable condition.
I guess sleeping on a cold, hard floor for almost three days did that to you. Was it only three days? It sure felt like ages.
I wondered what Mazen was doing now? Was he searching for me? Was he eating well? Was he hurting? Was he nearby? The questions went on and on.
Of course, he’s searching for me. Of course, he’s close. I tried to convince myself as doubt crept into my heart. I was so scared.
The witch’s words lingered in my mind. It was making me doubt everything. I heard one time that if you say that ‘one plus one equals three’ with confidence, the other person will believe you were telling the truth for a second. It was all about confidence.
Was that why the words were affecting me? She seemed very sure of herself. I hated it.
I wanted my mind to reject any thought of how definitive her words sounded, but no matter how hard I fought, they kept sneaking back into my head. I was scared. Petrified.
What if she did go through with what she promised? What if she—no, I wouldn’t think that way. It was what she wanted me to do.
Mind games. She was playing mind games. And I hated her for being able to play with my thoughts that well. I hated her and wished she was dead.
A few things I was sure I needed to do. I had to keep the faith, I had to pray harder, and cling to the good memories of my Mazen.
“You’re strong because of you. Not because of me. Let the strength grow from inside you, not because of who’s standing next to you. I know you can do it. You’re so much stronger than you think you are. With or without me.”
Mazen’s voice rang in my ears. I’d promised him to stay strong, and I was doing it. Wasn’t I? I kept the faith. I fought the doubts. Right?
Maybe I wasn’t doing the best job, but I was exhausted, humiliated, and heartbroken. I was doing my best. Mazen would be proud of me.
A tear ran down the side of my face as I lay on my side in the dimly lit room. I was drifting between falling asleep and wide awake. I saw things, heard voices, whispers. I didn’t know what they were saying or who they were. Everything was shaking around me. The walls. The tray. The bottle of water that I craved so much.
Or is it just me?
I didn’t know. The only thing I could feel was the thumping in my head and the throbbing pain all over my back.
I wondered if the pain I felt was from of lack of sleep. Or because I was thinking about a million things. I was always thinking. Thinking was all I could do in here.
Where am I?
I was drifting. Drifting away. Then, I wasn’t feeling cold anymore. Suddenly, it was too hot. Everything was hot. I was sweating. My throat was too dry.
What is this place?
Cold. Too cold.
Hot.
Hands. Hands were shaking me.
“Marie.”
That was my name. Someone was calling my name.
It wasn’t Mazen. I didn’t answer. I couldn’t. I didn’t want to.
I was drifting away.
Cold.
Dark.
Scary.
Alone.
The throbbing in my head didn’t stop, but it was lighter now. I could feel a hand on my hair, smoothing it back slowly and sweetly. The human touch was somewhat welcome, for it was comforting and almost loving.
For a few minutes, I couldn’t remember where I was or what was going on. I thought that when I opened my eyes, I would see my bedroom celling’s elegant decorations.
But as the seconds passed, I started remembering where I was, or where I wasn’t.
I got up, realizing that my head was resting on someone’s lap. The sudden movement fueled the dizziness that I was already suffering from and added more to the banging in my head.
“Oh, I’m so glad to see you’re awake,” I heard a sweet voice say. Looking at the source, I found the woman who fed me earlier. Was it earlier? Or yesterday? I had no clue.
Something in me liked the idea that she was here, and I wondered if I was developing Stockholm Syndrome, because she’d fed me and promised me clean clothes
I looked at her with eyes half-opened, then I tried to touch my head, but my arm was too heavy, and it dropped back to my lap.
“Easy, Marie,” the woman said. “You might want to lie back again. You’re very weak.”
My first thought was to tell her that I wasn’t weak, but I realized she meant physically and not as a person. And she was right. I was drained.
But – why was my head on her lap?
“You had a fever,” she said. – as if she was answering my unspoken question – and my eyebrows shot to my hairline. “The wounds on your back are infected.” She explained, and I felt the urge to throw up; how would that affect my baby?
“You’ve been calling your husband’s name while you were delirious.” She offered me a soft smile. “You really love him very much, don’t you?”
“More than I’ve ever loved anyone my whole life,” I replied in a low voice, not bothering to look at her reaction to hearing me speak for the first time, but I could tell that she was excited about it.
“Wow!” She paused. “I’ve always wondered what that would feel like,” she said in a small voice.
The woman stayed silent for a few moments; then she spoke again when she saw me touching the long gown that I was wearing. I was sure it would reach below my knees if I stood up. It was soft and comfy, and I was grateful to have it. “I gave you a sponge bath, cleaned the wounds as much as I could, and put these clean clothes on you. I hope you’re enjoying them.”
My eyes widened, thinking of the cameras. I was horrified at the thought that others saw me without clothes. I looked around me – trying to spot where all the cameras were.
“Hey, don’t worry, I did it in the bathroom.” She pointed behind her. “There are no cameras in there, I promise.”
I felt slight relief at the knowledge, and this time I truly thought about thanking her, but before I could speak, she spoke again, “I also gave you some antibiotics for the infection, and painkillers for the fever.”
“Is it okay for the baby?”
“Uh, I’m not sure. I didn’t check,” she replied, and my mouth fell open as worry settled inside of me. “I thought that – um, it didn’t matter.” She looked down and bit her bottom lip, seemingly sad about what she was saying.
She meant that my baby and I would be killed anyway. Why worry about side effects? It made my heart ache.
“Why bother with healing my wounds, then?” I asked in frustration. It made no sense. She was making no sense. Why be so kind yet only harm me? If she was a kind person, why wasn’t she getting me out of this hell hole? I didn’t get it.
“Um, it’s Her Highness’ orders, she wants you – well,” she said, looking down again.
“So I will be fully alert when she kills me, right?”
The woman didn’t reply to me. She reached for the bottle of water beside us on the floor, and then drank a few sips from it before offering it to me. “Here. Drink.”
“What’s your name?” I asked her, a strange thought forming in my mind.
“It doesn’t matter, Marie.”
“Why don’t you want to tell me? I’ll be dead soon, anyway, won’t I?”
“Kareen,” she whispered.
“What’s your last name?” I asked again. The banging in my head wasn’t helping me to remember where I’d heard the name before, but I knew I’d heard it.
“It really doesn’t ma–”
“Is it ‘Alfaidy’?” I asked, interrupting her.
“Yes,” she answered in a small voice again, and my eyes widened.
Kareen Alfaidy.
Mazen’s cousin.
Huda’s sister.
Jasem’s widow.
“We met before, at the Coronation Ceremony,” I stated, finally understanding why she looked very familiar. “Well, Huda would be very disappointed in you, Kareen.”
I could see the shame in her eyes, and I wondered if this woman – who said she didn’t know what loving someone unconditionally could feel like – could be my salvation and my way out.
“I’m just trying to survive long enough to raise my kids, Marie,” she said miserably. I started feeling sorry for her.
Who knew what that bitter hag named Qamar had forced her to do? It seemed that she had so much power over Kareen. Obviously.
“You can still do that. If you take the right path …” I tried but was interrupted by her getting up.
“I already took a bite of everything, I swear. Eat something.” She started to leave, but once she made it to the door, she turned around and looked at me. “I’m sorry, Marie. Huda always spoke highly of you, and I admire you a lot. But my kids’ lives are on the line. I have to do what I have to do. I’m sorry.”
That was the last time I would see Kareen Alfaidy.