That night, I couldn’t let Mazen keep touching me. His touch was forever comforting and I’d always want it, but I didn’t feel like that at this moment, not after seeing the bruises on his hand. I simply couldn’t have him touching me – not that way, anyway.
Mazen certainly felt how stiff I’d suddenly become. He halted the motion of his hands, and placed them on my waist. He sat up a bit as if he was trying to see my face.
“Are you okay?” he asked.
The words were choking me but didn’t want to escape my mouth. I wanted to ask about his hand; I wanted to know what he’d done. But I already knew the answer, and I was too emotionally exhausted to listen to him try to evade my questions.
“No, I’m not feeling well,” I told him, then I got up and attempted to leave, but he was right there with me, his arms wrapping around me protectively.
“What happened?”
“Nothing, I’m just not feeling well,” I shrugged myself away from him, and walked back to our bedroom. “I need to get some sleep.”
In bed, Mazen asked more than once if he’d done something wrong, or if he could get me anything. The answer was “No.” to all of his questions. I couldn’t speak to him about how I truly felt or why I was upset, and he didn’t push. For that, I was grateful.
That night, I couldn’t hold back my tears. They silently fell, but I guess Mazen was able to tell because he held me to his body with my back towards him without saying anything. That kind of closeness was very much welcomed, and I didn’t try to wiggle myself away from him this time.
My tears were due to my worry over Mazen’s wellbeing. The bruises on his knuckles were too dark, meaning he’d punched something hard – it couldn’t have been a person that he’d hit.
Of course, it was something he did out of frustration, but that wasn’t what had upset me the most. It was the fact that he’d looked fine last night and this morning. He looked some sort of okay to me, but he really wasn’t.
He was hiding his upset from me, pretending. Just like me.
I didn’t know exactly when he’d gotten those bruises. Was his distress due to my meeting with his mother, or was it something else? I wondered if he did it more often than I was aware of.
That night I fell asleep with a heavy heart and woke up with a troubled mind.
The next day everyone noticed that I was off. It wasn’t really something I could hide, nor was I trying to. Contrary to my normal self, I was impatient, and snapped whenever someone couldn’t get the things I’d asked for right on the first try.
I disliked being that way in my interactions with everyone, but I couldn’t seem to stop. I was worried sick about Mazen, nervous and anxious.
Manar found me in my office after I’d dismissed the workers I didn’t need for the rest of the day. I was pressing on my temples as hard as I could, trying to lessen the pain of my throbbing head.
“Your Majesty? Are you not feeling well?” Manar asked in a low voice. I yelled at her this morning, and I absolutely hated it; she was just trying to do her job.
“I’m okay,” my answer came out automatically without a second thought, my head still in my hands, and my eyes squeezed tightly shut.
“Um, the cars are ready for Your Majesty’s ride to Archer’s Enterprises. Would you like for me to cancel the trip?”
As much as I wanted to tell her ‘yes’, I knew there was no escaping my responsibilities.
“No, I’ll be right with you,” I said, my voice just above a whisper. It even hurt to speak.
In the car, I was watching the city through the closed window. The streets were cleared as they always were whenever we made the ride to my company from this road, and for the first time in a long time, I felt scared and lonely.
I quickly shrugged the feeling away, taking a few deep breaths to calm myself as I felt my eyes welling up with tears. I didn’t know what made me so emotional, but it was hard to keep my feelings controlled all of a sudden.
And then, I found myself saying, “Cancel the meeting, Manar.”
“Uh, right on it, Your Majesty. I’ll tell the driver to take us back to the palace,” she said as she reached for the button to open the driver’s window.
“No, take me to Mona Hassan’s house. His Majesty’s nursing mother.”
“Forgive me, Your Majesty, but the streets are not cleared for that route; it might take some time.”
“I want to go, now,” I said through clenched teeth. “Figure it out, Manar!” I was once again snapping at her which made me even more upset, but I just couldn’t calm down. I was a mess.
“Yes, Your Majesty.”
A few minutes later, we were making our way to Mona’s house. I had to argue with Brad and Mo’taz, which only made me even more nervous, but we ended up doing what I wanted to do.
My two most trusted guards changed seats to sit on either side of me in the back. I guess it was for protection; if anyone shot at the car, they would get hit instead of me. The cars were all bulletproof, so I didn’t get what was that all about, but I couldn’t keep up with their strategies when it came to my safety.
It took longer than I expected to reach Mona’s house, it was the first time I had visited her in her home. I’d missed her dearly, and with everything I was feeling, I imagined that seeing her and hearing her gentle voice would send a wave of calmness over my troubled soul. She’d always had that kind of effect on me.
I entered Mona’s house with two human fences formed by the royal guards, and she greeted me right by the door. I couldn’t see her face since she was covering it, but the tightening by the corners of her eyes told me that she was smiling widely. Her welcoming hands were stretched in front of her, and she took me in a warm hug.
“Your Majesty,” Mona said, “what a pleasant surprise.”
“Mona! I’ve missed you so much,” I said, already feeling better.
Two royal guards appeared out of nowhere from inside the house. “All clear,” one of them said to Mo’taz.
Mo’taz nodded and turned to me. “A female guard is on her way, Your Majesty.”
“I’ll be fine. Please, give us some privacy and wait for me outside.”
“Yes, Your Majesty,” he said, and when he left, I found Brad still waiting by the door.
“You too, Brad.”
Brad wasn’t as good at hiding his opinions as the royal guards, even though he had the same training for the past year. He had to shoot me a look that said he wasn’t pleased by my order before he left. I rolled my eyes and focused on Mona once the door was closed.
“I’m so happy to see you,” Mona said, removing her face cover.
“You never visit anymore,” I said as she led me to an armchair.
“Please, accept my apologies, Your Majesty. My daughter has been sick, and I couldn’t leave her side.”
“Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. Is she any better now? Is she getting all of the help she needs?”
“Yes, Your Majesty, she’s much better. Some days are better than others, but she’s improving. And, yes, His Majesty never leaves us wanting anything.”
“That’s great to hear, Mona,” I said, smiling.
“I’ll make you something to dr–…” Before she could complete the sentence, we heard the faint sound of something beeping. Mona shot out of her seat, worry apparent on her face. “If you’ll excuse me for a minute, Your Majesty, I’ll be right back.”
“Of course, take your time,” I said, and take her time she did. While Mona was away, I took a look around the house without ever moving from my place. It was very simple, and spotlessly clean. Only one floor, but it felt warm and cozy.
After a long fifteen minutes, Mona came back to her living room with a Pepsi, which she knew I liked. She kept apologizing for taking so long, and I had to repeatedly tell her that it was fine.
“It’s just that my daughter was scared because of the royal guards, but she’s calm now and went back to sleep.”
“Oh, your daughter is Mazen’s age, right?” I asked, a little confused as to why she would be scared at the sight of guards.
“She’s a few months older than His Majesty. But she’s – special.” Mona smiled, and her voice cracked a bit as she said the last word.
“Mona, I’m so sorry for coming here without any notice. I didn’t mean to disturb you or your sweet girl,” I said, feeling awful for coming to her house uninvited and frightening her daughter with my guards. I then made an attempt to leave.
“No, no. Please, don’t be, Your Majesty. I’m really glad you came and so happy to see you. She’s fine now, I promise.”
“Are you sure?”
Mona smiled again. “Of course, I’m sure, Your Majesty. It’s such an honor to have you in my house.”
I smiled back. “Your house is really nice. Do you have any other children? I know so little about you.” A fact that I disliked a lot, but there had been little opportunity to chat with her over the past year. When we did, it was always about Mazen and me, barely ever about her.
“No, it’s just me and Rodina – my daughter. My sister comes often and helps me take care of her, but she’s not here now,” Mona answered. I wanted to ask about her husband, but clearly, he wasn’t in the picture since she said only she and Rodina lived there. I figured she would’ve mentioned him somehow if she wanted to tell me about him, so I didn’t ask.
“I’m glad you get some help. I can get one of the servants to help you, as well,” I offered.
“No, thank you, Your Majesty. Rodina doesn’t like strangers.”
“I understand.”
“Enough about me, tell me about you, please,” Mona asked kindly.
I exhaled a long breath, then smiled. “I’m good. Working all day long, every day, but I can’t really complain – I love working. It could get a little stressful, but it’s still great.”
The reason behind my visit to Mona was that I had hoped to get some comfort from a dear friend – someone I knew would never judge me, someone who’d seen me at my worst and still cared about me. A lot. I knew I could tell Mona everything that was bothering me, but I didn’t want to bug her with my troubles when she had enough on her plate.
Mona didn’t say anything after I replied to her. She just gazed at me for a second too long while silence engulfed the room. I didn’t know why she was looking at me that way until she came closer and put her hand over mine before speaking.
“You know very well that you don’t have to pretend with me, my child,” she said in her usual calm voice, and suddenly, I couldn’t contain my tears.
I found myself telling Mona a hundred things that I couldn’t share with Mazen or even Rosanna. I realized that I was holding far more in my heart than I was aware of. Just talking to Mona about it gave me some kind of relief. I wished I’d done it long ago.
Mona gave me her undivided attention, only nodding and squeezing my hand every now and then to let me know that she was listening carefully.
“I just … I feel like crawling into a hole and announcing that I simply can’t deal with anything anymore. I’m mentally exhausted, Mona,” I said, wiping away tears with the back of my fingers.
Mona’s eyes sparkled with something that I couldn’t read, then she smiled and held both of my hands before speaking. “Look at you, benty, you’ve grown so much in the past year. You’ve grown before my eyes, and I’m so proud of you.”
I didn’t know what Mona meant, so I just sat there for a moment before I finally asked, “What do you mean?”
“Oh, benty, in spite of all of the pain in your heart, you’re still trying your hardest, and even more, to please everyone around you and make them happy.” She said, “I can’t think of anything nobler.”
“It’s not noble.” I shook my head slightly. “I’m only doing my job as the Queen of this Kingdom.”
“And you’re doing it beautifully, my child.” Mona smiled. “Just the way you’re constantly comforting Princess Rosanna is enough to show how kind and great of a person you are.
“The worry you have about your own body and how soon you’ll get pregnant again is held in your heart and locked away. You show concern for Princess Rosanna and assure her that she’ll be with child in the blink of an eye while you cover your own suffering just to support her – that’s beyond noble.”
“I’m just trying to be there for my friend.” I sniffed, looking down at my hands in my lap.
“The way you treat everyone, the way you show forgiveness to someone who hurt you badly, the way you treat your servants and your employees? We hear everything around the Kingdom because people gossip a lot – that’s if it wasn’t in the news.”
“I do what I know is right. I can’t afford to be miserable and depressed. I have people to take care of. I can’t disappoint them because my life is not going well, not even because my unborn child was killed. It’s not their problem.”
“Your Majesty, I could swear to you right now that every single person in the Kingdom is completely shattered by what happened to you and His Majesty. You’ve only shown them kindness, and they love you – therefore they never stop praying for you.”
Mona’s words lightened up my heart. Could it be true that the people of Alfaidya really liked me and wished me well?
“Really?”
“Of course, Your Majesty.” Mona smiled.
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, my smile falling only a second after it was born. “It’s Mazen who concerns me the most. He’s been pretending that he’s okay, and I know he’s not. I hate it. I’m his wife. If he can’t talk to me, who can he talk to?”
“But, benty, what else have you been doing with him?” Mona asked, and I had a feeling she already knew the answer.
“I don’t know what you mean.”
“Let me ask you another question – why didn’t you ask him about the bruises on his hands when you saw them?”
I bit my bottom lip. “I … I don’t know.” I think it was because I didn’t want to hear him explain how hurt he was because it would hurt me, too.
“You’ve been pretending that you’re okay as well. Even in front of him. You fake your smiles and make conversation. But you’re hurting so badly. And, benty – he knows it. Mazen knows exactly how you feel. But he doesn’t know how talking to you would fix it or make you feel better, and he’s afraid to add to your pain.”
I swallowed thickly. “How do you know that?” My voice was low, and I was once again choking with my tears. Her words held a truth in them; it had suddenly become clear to me. Just like me – he didn’t know how to deal.
“Because yesterday, he was sitting in that very chair you’re sitting on, benty, telling me the same things that you’re saying,” Mona said, and my eyebrows shot up to my hairline. “But that has to be a secret between us, so …”
I didn’t know how to respond. My mind was working so many thoughts together, and I felt … lost.
“You’re the only cure for Mazen, my child. And he’s the only cure for you,” Mona said. “That’s all you need to think of, and you’ll find the right path to walk.”
Before I left Mona’s house, she asked if I wanted to meet her daughter. I’d wanted to ask but was afraid I’d disturb her, like the royal guards did. Mona said that she’d told her daughter a lot about me, and she would be pleased to see me. That made me really happy.
Inside Rodina’s room, I saw a girl who was months older than my husband, yet she barely had the body of an eleven year old girl; but what a beautiful girl she was.
Her small body was connected to several machines with tubes, and the sight broke my heart; the poor thing hadn’t had an easy life.
Mona held Rodina’s hand and touched her hand to mine, telling her that I was the Queen of Alfaidya, and suddenly her eyes closed.
“It means she’s smiling really big when her eyes close, Your Majesty,” Mona explained, to which I smiled too. I was overwhelmed with the pure look in her eyes, and I knew I had to visit again soon, just to see Rodina.
Back home, Mazen was waiting for me right by the main doors, then came down the few steps and opened the car door for me. His eyes spoke volumes about his worry and concern. He looked me over, checking if I was okay.
“Hey,” I said once I stepped out of the car.
“Let’s go inside, Your Majesty,” he said, and I knew he was completely livid.