It was always the same result every time; and it always brought the same feelings. Minutes felt like hours, and sometimes I doubted that time was even moving at all.
My heart was beating fast, and I’d looked at the time exactly twenty-four times in the past three minutes. I was anxious and scared, but at the same time, hopeful.
At the three minute mark, I took a greatly needed breath and looked at the stick in my hand.
There was only one horizontal line, and no sign of a vertical one. None.
My heart sank as disappointment filled my chest. I had really hoped that I’d get pregnant this month, but I guess it wasn’t God’s will. Yet.
Sighing, I wrapped the pregnancy test with toilet paper and threw it into the trash, making sure it wouldn’t be noticeable. I told Mazen that I wouldn’t take any pregnancy tests unless I was late, which I wasn’t. My period was due today, but I couldn’t find the patience to wait.
Mazen didn’t want me to stress, but I couldn’t control the need I had to find out if I was pregnant. However, I wouldn’t let this get to me. I would never lose hope.
I promised myself that I would spend only one minute to grieve. Then I buried the negative feeling far, far in the back of my mind. I wasn’t going to let this bring me down.
I took a quick shower and towel-dried my hair before I left the bathroom, surprised to see Donia standing right outside waiting for me.
“Good morning, Your Majesty,” she said with a smile.
“Good morning to you, Donia. What are you doing here? You have a wedding to get ready for!”
Donia’s blush was noticeable. “I, uh, you already gave me a month’s break after the wedding. I can’t abuse your kindness and ask for a break before the wedding.”
“Oh, Donia! Stop being so silly. I want you to enjoy this, so take all of the time off that you need. The wedding is only … what? Two weeks away? I bet you have a whole lot of preparation to do.”
Donia shook her head, which confused me. “Uh, not really, Your Majesty. I don’t have a say in anything; the private secretaries and palace managers are planning and choosing everything.”
“What? What do you mean? What does it have to do with them, anyway?”
“It’s really fine, Your Majesty, I don’t mind,” she said, but I could very easily tell that she did mind. Of course, she did. It was her own wedding after all. “It’s for Your Majesties’ safety after all – that’s all that matters, really.”
It was my turn to shake my head. My people thought it was their business to arrange the girl’s wedding as they liked because Mazen and I were attending? That wasn’t something that I’d ever accept.
“Is my outfit ready?” I asked.
“Yes, it is, Your Majesty,”
“Okay, come, help me dress, then let everyone in. I’ll see what I can do about this.”
“It’s really fine, Your–”
“Oh, shush,” I interrupted her. “It’s going to be your most special day; you have to get everything the way you want it.”
“Thank you, Your Majesty.” Her smile made her even prettier, which was a very nice thing to see.
Once I finished dressing, Donia let in the palace managers, my hairstylist, and Rana – one of my private secretaries. We went through a few things related to palace management before I turned my attention back to Rana while the hairstylist worked on my hair.
“Before anything else, who’s responsible for planning Donia’s wedding?” I asked, already aware of the answer.
“I am, as you ordered, Your Majesty,” Rana replied.
“I’m afraid you misunderstood my earlier request, Rana,” I said. “I asked that you put the wedding on the calendar and plan for it, meaning, ‘arrange my schedule for that day to fit my need to attend the wedding with His Majesty’. Your job was to contact Yasser – His Majesty’s private secretary – and plan the day with him.”
“That’s exactly what I did, Your Majesty.”
“I know you did. But I think you went too far as planning the whole wedding, as well. Not just my meetings.”
“Uh, Your Majesty, the wedding was to be held in the desert. It wouldn’t be safe for you or His Majesty, which the royal guards have researched and confirmed, so we are going to have the wedding in one of the best–”
“Wait, wait, it’s not going to be in the desert?”
“No, Your Majesty. It’s not safe for–”
“Yes, you already said that.” I turned to look at Donia, who was standing a few feet away. “Is that something that’s acceptable to you?”
The bride-to-be only looked down and bit her bottom lip.
“Come now, be honest with me.”
“It’s not part of our traditions, Your Majesty, but I understand.”
I sighed, shaking my head; it was obvious she was disappointed. After a moment of silence, I turned my attention back to Rana.
“You sit with Donia and see what she’d like to do with her wedding. Anything she asks, you see it gets done. Anything, Rana, do you hear me?” From the corner of my eye, I noticed that Donia couldn’t contain her smile.
“Yes, Your Majesty. But the royal guards–”
“Arrange a meeting with Officer Fawaz today and I’ll talk to him. I’m pretty sure he can manage the security arrangements,” I told her. “Also, get someone to help Hana while Donia is away. Her break starts today and ends a month after the wedding, all right?”
“Yes, Your Majesty,” she said. “Is there anything you’d like to add to today’s plans?”
“Yes, I want to visit Little Marie,” I said, my mood already changing just at the thought of seeing her. “Please schedule it before my evening’s meetings.”
“I’ll see it done, Your Majesty,” she said before going through my schedule for the day. The only thing I looked forward to was spending time with my niece; I hadn’t seen her in two days and it already felt like ages.
It was arranged that I would have my lunch break with my sister-in-law and my niece; apparently, Janna wanted to chit-chat and not just have one of our usual ten-minute visits. I welcomed the idea, as I loved talking with Janna. She was one of the sweetest people I’d ever met.
She was getting back to being the cheerful and carefree person she was before my brother turned her life upside down. She was getting there, slowly but surely.
As I made my way to the elevator, an uneasy feeling started creeping up on me. I didn’t know how to describe it, but I knew that it wasn’t something I liked.
I was a few steps away from the elevator doors, when I stopped in my tracks as the creepy feeling reached its peak. I felt the hairs on the back of my neck stand up; I was being watched.
I knew that many eyes were on me wherever I went – that was the norm. But this time it was different, very different. It was as though a huge amount of negative energy was coming my way to the point where I almost felt nauseated.
Without thinking, my head turned to look towards the Queen Mother’s door which led to her quarters. For a split second, I saw that the door was just a tiny bit ajar, and the shadow of someone standing behind it. The door was closed shut right at the moment I turned my head to look.
“Is everything okay, Your Majesty?” Manar asked.
“Huh?” I said with my eyes still on the door. I was one hundred percent sure someone had been watching me from behind it just a second ago. “Yes. Yes, everything is all right. Let’s go.”
I decided not to give it another thought. It could always be one of the servants being sneaky about watching my whereabouts. I didn’t see any reason to ask my guards to investigate just because I had a bad feeling.
The elevator stopped on the floor where Janna was staying. She was using her old suite, the one she had before her marriage, having told me she was in no need of the wing she’d shared with Joseph. I didn’t do anything about it, hoping they’d work things out someday.
Sana – Janna’s maid – welcomed me by the door with a wide smile. Manar handed her the bags I’d brought with me and then she closed the door.
Janna appeared then, holding my beautiful niece in her arms. My heart jumped with joy at the sight of her. I would kill for that tiny little thing. I swear.
“Oh, look who’s here,” Janna pretended to be surprised for little Marie’s amusement. My heart was melting as she squirmed in her mother’s arms and stretched hers out to me.
I was beaming as I saw the big grin on her face when I reached out for her, and almost squealed in delight when she rested her head on my shoulder once I hugged her to my chest.
“Aww!” Janna said. “Look at how happy she is!”
“Hey, Janna!” I greeted her, hugging her with one arm while the other held my niece carefully.
“Your Majesty,” she smiled. “I’m so excited to have lunch with you. It’s been ages since we last had a visit that lasted longer than two minutes.”
“I know, me, too.”
“Come, let’s sit down.” She was about to lead us to the couch in the middle of the room when Sana spoke.
“Where shall I put these, Your Highness?”
“Oh! Did you bring those, Your Majesty?” Janna asked with doubtful eyes, hands on hips and all.
“Err, maybe?”
“Lord! More toys?”
“And – some dresses?” It came out more like a question.
“My God! You’re spoiling her rotten.”
“I want to be her favorite auntie!”
“You are her only auntie!”
“Still!”
Janna waved her hands in the air. “Will I ever win this argument?”
“Not in a million years, honey,” I chuckled. I would give the sky to this little bundle of joy if I could.
Our playtime was so much fun that half an hour passed in a blink of an eye. It was crazy how time worked, a minute always feeling like ages if we were waiting for something, and never enough if we were enjoying something.
My favorite thing was to feed the little princess. She was just so adorable and I loved every tiny thing about her. Ten minutes after she finished her yogurt, she was passed out in my arms.
It was no bother at all holding her until she woke up, but I also wanted her to sleep comfortably, so I didn’t mind when Janna asked if it was okay for the nanny to take her and put her in bed.
“Kauther!” Janna called, and I frowned.
“A new nanny?”
“Yes, the other one is pregnant again.”
I nodded, handing little Marie to Kauther after kissing her cheek one last time for the day. She had the softest skin in the world.
“Why do I feel like I’ve met the new nanny before?” I wondered, because her face was so familiar.
“I’m not sure, but she’s Mona’s cousin and looks a lot like her. Maybe that’s why?”
“Oh, that’s true. She does look a lot like Mona.” I paused for a long moment as a thought crept into my head. I knew I shouldn’t, but I couldn’t help it. I really wanted to know more about Mona’s husband.
Janna most likely knew everything about it. She always answered all of my questions any time I’d asked her. I had a strong feeling she’d tell me everything I was curious to know.
“Speaking of Mona, I was really sad to learn about her husband’s death,” I said, knowing very well that if Janna knew something, she’d start speaking right away. As a matter of fact, I might find it hard to stop her.
“Oh! But nobody else is.”
“What? What do you mean?”
“Her husband was an evil, evil man. Actually, not a man at all. An animal. Even though I’m not being fair to animals by defining him as one.”
I had no idea what I should say to that. I was completely shocked. What could he have done to make her say such a thing about him? And why would Mona marry someone like that?
It was as if Janna knew what I was thinking, because she whispered, “He raped her, she almost died.”
“Oh, my God!” I gasped, my hand covering my mouth.
Janna nodded, and shook her head in sorrow. “It’s disgusting, I know.”
“How could a person rape his wife?” I asked in disbelief, not knowing how a man could force his wife whom he loved into something like that, and actually hurt her.
“She wasn’t his wife when it happened,” Janna said, as if it was the most obvious thing in the whole world.
“What?” I gasped once again. “Then why would she marry someone who raped her?” She clearly didn’t love him, or even like him.
“Well, that’s the point. He raped her,” Janna said, and the frown on my face deepened. “Sadly, it’s very common practice for the rapist to marry his victim. The rapist and the victim’s family make some sort of a deal – the rapist marries her so he doesn’t get charged for his crime, and the family’s honor will somehow remain intact. He gets his way, he doesn’t go to jail, and her family saves its honor.”
My eyes closed tightly. I couldn’t believe the words coming out of my sister-in-law’s mouth. It was so crazy to believe, so upsetting, and just plain disgusting.
It was about honor, of course.
“Is that a law, Janna?” I asked after a long pause of silence.
“Um, not really.”
My heart hurts. “This is not fair, at all. To force a girl who’s been to hell and back to be bonded for life to the man who raped her is almost as evil as rape itself,” I spoke my thoughts aloud, not believing that to save the family’s ‘honor’ they would put their poor daughter, sister, or even niece through something like that.
“No, it’s not fair. But they knew that no one would marry her after the rape. Or worse, if she gets married and they find out that she’s not a virgin … ugh! You know the drill.”
“This is awful!” I said, feeling sick to my stomach. “Poor Mona.”
It was always about protecting a hymen to keep the honor. Stupid!
“Yes, but she didn’t have to deal with him for long,” Janna said. “He was killed the day after the wedding. By her brother.”
My eyes widened again, then relaxed back on my chair. I was never one to encourage a vigilante, but this time, I couldn’t help but think how wonderful her brother was.
“Good!”
“Her brother was in prison for fifteen years. When Mazen found out from one of the royal guards who used to be her neighbor, he asked our father to give him a royal pardon, which he did.”
“Fifteen years?”
“Yes. He was sentenced to spend the rest of his life in jail, so …”
“This is just ridiculous. So, the man who raped her gets away with it, and the person who defended his sister’s honor gets sentenced for life?” this was making me mad. “Tell me you’re joking, please!”
“I’m afraid not, Marie.” She shook her head. “This has been the way since the beginning of time – still is.”
I slapped both of my hands on my knees in frustration. “This needs to stop,” I said through clenched teeth, and got up.
“What are you going to do?”
“I’m going to change the law!”