I wasn’t punishing my brother by wanting him to stay away from me. He had paid for his sins by missing the love of his life for almost two years. He was punished when he was denied to be with his only child for nearly two years. He didn’t get the chance to see her first smile or her first step. He got nothing.
I couldn’t imagine being prevented from seeing my daughter for that long, all the while craving to spend time with her – it would be one of the cruelest punishments ever.
Joseph had been punished enough, but it wasn’t me who’d punished him. It was his wife. The love of his life. The one he’d been denied seeing, as well.
It didn’t mean that I wanted him to suffer more – not for me, even. I’d already taken my revenge on him, when I cut him off from all responsibility, and management of the company our parents built. The thing was, I wasn’t ready to look into his eyes. Yet.
Joseph would always be my brother. I would never forget the good things he’d done for me throughout my life. But I have not forgotten that he’d once threatened my life for his own happiness.
I don’t know if I could ever do so.
There was not an ounce of regret in my heart as I rejected his request to see me. But there was grief.
It must have shown on my face because the next thing Mazen did was to tell Janna that I needed to rest.
As I lay in bed, still feeling discomfort, I thought only about how I might never get to see Joseph again, because even two years later – I still couldn’t forgive him. And I wondered if my words were true when long ago, I’d said he was dead to me. Just the thought was so painful that my chest swelled and my heart started aching. I wondered if whether we could be together in one place ever again.
Two weeks later, I got my answer.
The sun was so bright that day; my simple black dress wasn’t heavy, but the warm weather was irritating. An umbrella was being held over me even though I had a big elegant hat on. I wore sunglasses that weren’t there to protect my eyes from the sun, but to hide my tears.
The sadness I felt that day was as great as what I’d felt when I’d lost my parents.
Mazen’s soothing touches were everything. They were the reason why I was able to stand and not wholly crumble to the ground.
My grandmother’s funeral was beautiful. She looked so beautiful and peaceful in her coffin. She lived a long and happy life, but I knew very well that she had never recovered from losing my grandfather. When she also lost my mother, her brain couldn’t really take it and decided to forget everything, to freeze on the memory of when her little family was all good and fine.
Now she was with them. She was in a better place; I was a hundred percent sure.
There were two things that I really hated about her death other than the fact that I had lost her forever. One was that she would never get the chance to hold my baby – I’d really looked forward to that. And the other was that she died without a loved one holding her hand; I was far away when I got the awful phone call.
I was told that she’d smiled and called my grandfather’s name as if she were seeing him just a minute before she was gone. They were together now. All of them. My grandparents and my parents.
It was the first time in so long that I needed Joseph. Truly needed him.
Mazen was amazing; he was the best thing that had ever happened to me. He knew all the right things to say to help me feel better; he knew exactly when I needed to only hold his hand, and when to hug me when I really craved it. He did it all without me asking. He made it easier.
But, I still needed Joseph. He was the only one who was feeling the grief I felt on that day. I saw him from a few yards away. My vision remained blurry as my never-ending tears fell, but I was still able to see the miserable look on his face.
He looked exactly like how I felt: pained and lonely.
We both had the most beautiful spouses standing beside us, supporting us. But we both needed each other. We needed each other so much.
I knew that if I just reached with my hand towards him, he would come running. I knew that I needed his hug more than anything, and I knew that he needed mine, too.
But, I couldn’t.
My eyes caught his a few times. I couldn’t see them like he couldn’t see mine; our glasses were too dark to tell where we were looking. But I knew exactly when he was looking at me. And I knew which of his tears were for our grandmother and which of them were for me.
I wished I had the strength to share an embrace with him, but I was too weak for that.
I couldn’t do it.
Like I always did when feeling seriously down, I buried myself in work. Mazen didn’t like it, but he knew it was how I coped with sadness and stress.
My work was benefiting the Kingdom, so Mazen couldn’t really complain. He knew that my successes made me feel good, and that affected everything around and about me.
Since I worked extra hours, I was getting a lot accomplished. I implemented new strategies to hasten a few projects and got a good grasp on my educational campaigns for the Bedouins and around the Kingdom.
It was the best therapy for my anxiety – to see great results.
“Look at us,” I said to Rosanna, “we’re making fateful decisions from my bed. What kind of royals are we?”
“It’s not ‘fateful decisions!’. Don’t be overdramatic!” She sat next to me with her back resting on the pillows, the same position I was taking. Papers were splayed out all around us on the bed; I believe some were on the floor, as well.
“You’re a jerk.”
“Uh-huh!” she said, not taking her eyes off the paper in her hand.
I tried to return my attention to the file in my hand, but my head was somewhere else; I started thinking about my relationship with Rosanna.
Ever since I’d woken up that day with a wound on my head – which to this day, I couldn’t even remember how I’d gotten it – we’d started talking again after over five weeks of a killer silence that hurt my soul.
I couldn’t say that we were back to normal. There was this thing that stayed in the air – lingering. I couldn’t explain it. I just felt tension sometimes when we merely talked about my pregnancy or hers. It was as if we were both remembering what had happened, and the pain of it was hovering around – the pain she’d felt when I hurt her and the pain I’d felt when I almost lost her.
We discussed it once. She told me that she understood how I felt and that she’d already accepted my apology from minute one. She only needed time, and now she thought we should put it all behind us as if it had never happened. She refused to speak of it again.
I didn’t argue.
“Do we need to go through all of these today?” I complained. I was exhausted, but Rosanna wouldn’t let up until we were finished with kingdom business.
“We do – if you wish to take that maternity leave soon.”
“You’re threatening my maternity leave? Sometimes, no, most of the time – I feel like I actually work for you,” I said, and when she gave me a dark look, I caved. “Sometimes.” I repeated more quietly; she was scary.
“You do work for me, for the whole Kingdom, if you haven’t noticed,” she said with a smug look, and I just playfully rolled my eyes and shook my head. “Finish reading the file so we can discuss it this century.”
“Yes, ma’am!” I said.
Rosanna was right. I needed to finish all of those files, and some more, very soon, so I could take the break Mazen and I had arranged for ourselves to prepare for Adam’s birth.
The most demanding project was the school I’d been working on for almost a year now in Al’ameria. We were trying very hard to have it ready for the start of the school year –on the sixth of September, just three days before I was due.
We had already announced that I was to deliver our son in Queen Marie’s Hospital, and everyone was shocked. I did worry somewhat about our safety in Al’ameria – especially after the attempted terrorist attack – but the investigation had shown that the bomber was mentally ill – it was a lone wolf.
Of course, he wasn’t stable. I mean, who bombs a hospital? As messed up as all bombers were, actually going to a hospital to kill people in it was the worst of all.
So, since it was only three weeks until the school was scheduled to open, I had to get everything done before I left for Al’ameria. That’s where I would be staying for a week or two after I gave birth. Rosanna made sure that I was on track regarding all things related to the Kingdom, up until the day I would leave.
“I think there’s missing information from this file,” I said, after going through the papers twice.
Rosanna took the file from me with a frown, which deepened when she found out I was right. There was a piece of paper missing. She looked all around her on the bed, then searched through the papers on the floor.
“Ah! Here it is!” She bent down to get it and then her face paled, and she got up quickly.
“Oh, God!” she said in Arabic before she ran to the bathroom, covering her mouth with her hand.
I felt sorry for her, wishing I was able to hold her hair for her, but by the time I managed to get off my butt, she was already done and met me halfway.
“Are you okay?”
“I’m fine. This sickness is no fun,” she breathed out. “I’m sorry for throwing up in your bathroom.”
“It’s okay, that makes us even.”
“What? It does not!” she objected. “You threw up four times in my bathroom, and this is only my second time in yours!”
I rolled my eyes. “I’m already almost finished with this pregnancy; you have seven more years to go.”
“Sure feels like it.”
“Do you wish to leave? Freshen up, relax a bit and then return?” I suggested.
“If I go to my room now, I most likely won’t be coming back,.”
“Oh! Why not? Are you tired?”
Rosanna’s shoulders hunched down and she sighed, not saying anything.
“Oh, no!” I said, grabbing her by the hand to sit with me on the couch next to us. “Tell me all about it!”
No matter what kind of shoes I wore, I always ended up with swollen feet; this month of my pregnancy had been really enjoyable. Ugh … not!
I ended up attending all my essential meetings with bare feet hidden under my desk. If the meeting was with a large number of people, and I had to be by the table, I had to put something on my feet as it would show. It had crossed my mind to ask the staff to just get it over with and paint shoes on my feet.
If only.
“Your Majesty, the meeting with Prime Minister Prince Fahd is in ten minutes,” Rana told me.
“Oh, okay,” I said. “I just have this one document left to sign, and then I’ll be ready.”
“Yes, Your Majesty. If you’ll excuse me,” she said, to which I nodded.
I read through the information, signed it, then called Manar and handed it to her, closing the last file I was working on before my ‘Maternity Leave’.
“Please show Prince Fahd in as soon as he arrives,” I told Manar.
“He’s right outside, Your Majesty. I will let him in.”
“Great,” I replied with a smile, adjusting my position on my leather seat.
Not a minute later, Prince Fahd was coming through the doors, a broad smile planted on his lips. “Your Majesty.” He nodded in greeting.
“Welcome, Prince Fahd,” I waved my hand to the chair in front of my desk. “Please, have a seat.”
“Thank you, Your Majesty,” he said and then did as I’d asked him to. “How is my nephew doing?” he asked, motioning to my stomach.
I looked down at my stomach and touched it softly with my hand. “He’s doing great, thank you for asking.”
“I can’t wait to meet His Highness.”
I grinned. “He can’t wait to meet you either, Prince Fahd.”
“I have the perfect gift for him, I really can’t wait for him to meet it,” he said with the widest of smiles. It made my own smile drop right away, and I sat there for a second just gaping at him.
He said ‘meet it’.
Prince Fahd was such a good man ― honorable and loyal. He loved his family dearly and would do anything for them. He was the one I trusted the most in the royal family, the same as I did his wife. But … he was not always good at choosing gifts.
Sometimes he did great, like that time he gave me Hope and Faith, but other than that … not really.
“Um, I’m sure it’s great,” I lied through my teeth, then smiled politely. “You’re probably wondering why I asked you here today and on short notice,” I said, trying to get straight to the point.
“I won’t lie to you, Your Majesty. I’ve been wondering about it all day long, hoping it’s not something worrisome about the Kingdom,”
“Well, it is something worrisome … but not about the Kingdom.”
“I’m listening, Your Majesty,” he said, his face turning grave.
“I’m actually a little disappointed in you, Prince Fahd.”
“Disappointed in me?” He sounded truly surprised. “Mind if I ask why?”
I took a deep breath. “In all the years you’ve been married to Princess Rosanna, have you ever felt she was the kind of wife you could boss around?”
Prince Fahd was confused for a second, and the moment he pressed his lips into a tight line, I knew that he got what I was on about.
It took him a long moment of silence before he cleared his throat and replied to my question. “No, Your Majesty. Her Highness is not the kind of person anyone could boss around. But that wasn’t what I was trying to do.”
“It wasn’t? So why did it feel like you were trying to tell her to do things she didn’t want to do? Or rather – not do things that she wanted to do?” I pushed.
“It’s not like that, Your Majesty. I’m only telling her to lessen her duties by delegating them to others temporarily until she’s through with the pregnancy. That’s all.” He sounded pained.
“But you gave her the silent treatment when she didn’t obey.”
Prince Fahd swallowed a few times before replying.
“Your Majesty, we’ve wanted this baby for what seems like forever. We’ve prayed for it for years. I just want her to rest in bed. Is it so bad that I don’t want to watch her grieve for a lost baby all over again? Is it so bad that I want to see my child growing in her stomach for the first time ever?”
My chest tightened, and I couldn’t find the heart to push him any further. If I was honest – I was taking Rosanna’s side without hearing his side of the story just because she was my best friend. This was wrong of me, and I only thought that I could solve it all by merely addressing it. It turned out to be bigger than I’d thought.
I got up and walked barefooted around my desk, resting on the seat across from him, motioning for him to sit down again since he’d stood up when I did.
“I understand your reasoning, I really do. But – believe me, your wife feels the same,” I told him in a soft voice. “There’s nothing in this world that she wants more than to have your child. You do know that, don’t you, Prince Fahd?”
“I do,” he nodded, gazing at the floor.
“She’s grown phobic about bedrest, Your Highness. She wants everything about this pregnancy to be different. She’s taking care of herself and your baby very well, I promise. But she wants to feel like a normal pregnant woman, one that can walk around and do her job and duties. After all, it’s her first stable pregnancy. She wants to be busy, so she won’t feel that this one – God forbid – will meet the same fate as the rest.” I said, the last words hurting me as I spoke them.
“God forbid,” he said, then after a pause, he spoke again. “I didn’t see it that way.”
“I know. And she didn’t see it your way either,” I told him. “You need to explain it to her, and you need to hear her reasons, as well. Communication is the key, Prince Fahd.”
My brother-in-law nodded. “Yes, Your Majesty,” he said with a polite smile. It was only when he smiled that I could see the physical similarity between him and my husband; I liked that a lot.
“So, when you apologize for the silent treatment …”
“But …” he tried to object, but I didn’t give him a chance.
“I’m saying that when you apologize to her, you need to give her a gift or two. What are you going to get her?”
His eyes went to the side for a second then his eyebrows shot up. His look was bright, and his smile got big as he answered, “I believe I have the perfect gift!”
Something told me that I shouldn’t trust that gift the second he called it ‘perfect’.
“That’s great, care to share with me?”
“There’s an amazing bear that was just rescued from–”
“Oh, dear lord!” I gasped, face-palming my forehead.
He was a lost cause. There – I said it.
“What?” He looked completely shocked.
“Nothing, Your Highness,” I said after I composed myself. “May I help you with choosing another gift? Something less …er, wild?”
“Oh! I mean, of course, Your Majesty,” he said. “Thank you.”
I reached for one of the files placed on my desk and picked one, checked it was the correct one, then gave it to him.
“Those are three designs of necklaces that I’m pretty sure Princess Rosanna will like. Choose one and have our jeweler finish it as soon as possible.”
“Um, they all look the same,” he said. “Would you please pick one for me? I’m not good with those things.”
I bit my tongue, afraid to say that I already knew that. “Your Highness, I already shrunk the number of choices for you. You pick one, and get her a box of the French chocolate she likes, and … well, make up.”
“I will.” Prince Fahd’s smile was heartwarming; I could tell that he was actually excited about doing just that. “Thank you so much for all you do for us, Your Majesty.”
I shook my head. “I didn’t do anything. You both are very dear to me, and I hate to see you unsettled,” I said, knowing very well that Rosanna would do the same for me – if she hadn’t already. Many times when I’d complained to her about Mazen, he would come to me a few hours later to say he was sorry and that he’d missed me.
I couldn’t imagine Mazen and Rosanna having such a civilized discussion, though. She’d probably only have to give him a deadly look to scare him into doing whatever she’d asked him to do.
She was scary that way, but with a unique charm, and a kind heart. She, herself, would make a great queen.