Agreeing to meet my mother-in-law privately was the easy part. Doing it was a whole new level of difficulty. It was a struggle.
Silence was the only thing accompanying me as I made my way inside the queen mother’s quarters. The only sound to be heard was the clicking of my heels as I walked across the marble floor.
No good memory was connected to this area of the palace other than that of holding my niece for the first time. The other experiences here were of hurt, pain, humiliation, and annoyance.
My mother-in-law wasn’t supposed to leave her quarters, which was why the meeting had to be there. However, I was sure she wandered a lot at night when only a few people could see her, like that night she went to Talia’s cell despite the orders which forbade her from leaving her wing.
I’d ordered the meeting to be held in the men’s meeting room inside of her quarters. It was the only room that had cameras, and to some degree – that fact made me feel safer in her presence.
Brad and Mo’taz weren’t allowed inside of the wing, and neither were any other male guards. However, four female guards surrounded me all the way to the meeting room.
It wasn’t that I was worried she might hurt me somehow. She wasn’t stupid, and I was the queen, after all.
Since Mazen knew what she wanted and thought I should hear it from her, it must be important. I would do it even if I didn’t like it. After all, it might have something to do with the Kingdom.
I wasn’t scared to meet her. I was just annoyed, and I wanted to get it over with even before it started.
A female guard opened the door to the meeting room for me to enter. I took a deep breath, thanked her with a polite smile, and stepped inside.
Mazen’s mother was standing by one of the windows that were open to the gardens, her back facing me for a second before she turned at the sound of the door closing.
She was dressed in her black mourning clothes, still elegant and as pretty as ever, even without a drop of make-up on her face.
Our eyes met for the first time in a long time ― maybe over a year. I always avoided looking in her direction altogether if we happened to be in the same room.
“Your Royal Highness,” I gave her a slight nod, and a tight smile.
“Your Majesty!” To my surprise, her smile was genuine. “It’s so good to see you.”
‘I wish I could say the same,’ was the first response that came to mind, but I held my tongue. It wouldn’t make me feel good to insult her.
“I was informed that you need to tell me something important.” I went straight to the point. Maybe I didn’t want to insult her, but I couldn’t find it in me to compliment her either.
Her smile dropped a little. “Yes. Yes, there is something I need to talk to you about. Shall we sit down?” She waved toward one of the sitting areas in the rather large room.
Minutes passed as we sat in silence. It was the first time in my life that I’d seen Mazen’s mother nervous, and my curiosity reached its top level.
Finally, the queen mother spoke, “I’ve wanted to do this for a while now. I guess I’ve never gotten the chance, or maybe I just lacked the courage to do it.” My mother-in-law looked vulnerable all of a sudden; that was a sight I’d never thought to see.
“Mazen is my only child. I’ve never loved anyone as much as I love him, and I never will. I’d do anything in my power to see him happy and well,” she said. I wondered why she felt the need to tell me that when it was obvious – that Mazen was the person she loved best.
“I believe you understand that, Your Majesty,” she said, as if she could read my thoughts, “but you won’t truly know what I mean until you’ve had a child of your own. A mother’s love for her child is indescribable.”
I swallowed thickly, her words affecting me. “Why are you telling me this?”
“I’m getting there, Your Majesty,” she promised. “If you will allow me, I’d just like to explain some things to you.”
I nodded, my lips forming a tight line as I pressed them together.
“My biggest dream since Mazen took his first breath was to make him the best person he could be, and the best king to this Kingdom to ever live. It was my life’s goal.” Her eyes wandered as she spoke, then she smiled, looking back at me. “He turned out to be the kindest person I’ve ever met, passionate and loving. He’s perfect in every way, and the best son any mother could wish for.”
“He is,” I said, because I couldn’t agree more.
“See, I’ve planned every other detail in my son’s life, even the tiniest one. But once he became a teenager, he started having plans of his own. First, it was studying a discipline of which neither I nor his father – God rest his soul – approved. But he reasoned with us and after a very long discussion, he traveled to London and began his medical studies. I couldn’t see how it would serve his position as Crown Prince and later as King, but I let it go, knowing that in a few years he’d be back and would become King no matter what.
“Then with everything that happened with Janna, I saw my world crashing. My step-daughter behaved selfishly, and I suddenly became a person that I didn’t know.” She paused, her gaze dropping to the floor. “My son was getting married to someone I’d never met, someone who had no idea what our life is like. Someone from another country, and another faith. I couldn’t believe the things happening around me; my whole world was spinning. I was livid.”
It was my turn to look away, while memories of the day I’d met this woman invaded my mind. I remembered how collected and nice she was one minute, then hateful and angry the next. I could say that to a point, I could understand her frustrations that day. To watch all your plans failing right before your eyes because of mistakes you hadn’t made would be maddening.
“Mazen tried his best to convince me that everything would be okay, that it was God’s will, that nothing would change. But I refused to believe it would be as easy as he made it out to be,” she said. “He was letting go of the girl I thought he loved for another he had never even met. Not only that, but all of the trouble Talia’s mother and I went through in raising her to be the perfect queen, was now in vain. Instead, Mazen was marrying someone who didn’t know the first thing about ruling a kingdom.
“So, to me, it wasn’t only my son’s life turning upside down, it was also the fate of the Kingdom on which my husband and I had worked so hard to make as strong as it is now.” I started to feel even more uncomfortable than I’d first felt when I came here.
“I admit that I pre-judged you. I hated you without even knowing you or giving you a chance to prove yourself. Everything about you annoyed me – the fact that you didn’t even wear your wedding dress drove me crazy, and that was barely the first encounter with you. Then when I discovered that almost a week later, my son had yet to consummate the marriage, all of my thoughts went to the possibility that you were not even a virgin. Someone brought my attention to how you could pass a disease to my son or something like that. I couldn’t stop thinking that everything about you was dangerous to my son and to my Kingdom.”
I swallowed thickly, feeling a tightening in my chest as I listened to her words.
“When you left, I was very happy. I knew the story about your illness was fake, and I believed you were done with the whole thing. I wasn’t prepared for what happened next.” She took a deep breath before she continued, “My son, my joy and my light, was broken. It wasn’t only his heart, it was his soul. Broken and only half-alive. It was the first time I’d seen him that way. He wasn’t whole – he was empty. In a matter of six days, he had fallen in love with you, even if he had yet to realize that. I’d seen it, because I knew my son so well.
“It wasn’t until Mazen stopped talking to me altogether that I realized what a cruel mistake I’d made. In trying to protect him, I ended up hurting him the most.
“I went to London after him because he wouldn’t speak to me on the phone. When I got there, he refused to meet with me. But when I insisted, I wished I hadn’t seen him that way. He was miserable.
“When I returned to the Kingdom, I discovered that Mazen had just talked to his father about everything that had happened in your wing that day. My son was too broken over your separation that he’d missed telling him about it before he went to London. After that, I only heard whatever my husband was willing to tell me about him.
“I spent weeks dying slowly, not knowing how to fix everything that I’d done. I swear to God if it wasn’t for the fact that I was imprisoned inside my own house, I would’ve found a way to meet with you and beg you to take my son back.” Her eyes started sparkling with unshed tears, and my walls started reeling at the honesty dripping from her cracking voice. I made a wild guess about why she was telling me all that.
“But then Fahd had some mercy on me and told me that you were already back together, that you had remarried, and Mazen was continuing his studies. He told me the truth about how you didn’t want the marriage in the first place and that you were forced – something about which I had no clue.
“I was relieved, but the damage was already done. My relationship with my son was injured, and any kind of a relationship with my daughter-in-law was impossible.” She looked sorry; she wasn’t even able to look me in the eyes.
“Then I learned that the girl I’d chosen for my son had killed my unborn grandchildren and that she only cared about herself and nothing more. I was, once again, proven wrong. I might have made my son marry someone who could destroy him while appearing innocent of wrongdoing.” Her tears started falling, and my eyes burned with the tears that I held.
“Every single day, I see that you are the best thing that has ever happened to my son. You’ve saved the Kingdom from crowning an evil queen who could’ve destroyed everything my husband and I built over the past two decades – while she would’ve ruined everything in cold blood.” she paused. “Every day the urge to apologize to you for everything I’ve done grows stronger. But I’m not sure if you could ever accept it.”
I took a deep breath, then let it go. She wanted to apologize to me. And I agreed with her on one point – I wasn’t sure if I could ever accept it.
“I only did what I did to you because I was positive that you weren’t a virgin and I wanted to prove my point. I can’t imagine what would’ve happened if I’d been successful with it only to discover that you were a virgin and I would have hurt you. I would probably have died of remorse,” she admitted. “Every day you prove to me that you have a noble heart, Your Majesty.” I pressed my lips hard, not knowing how to reply to her.
“With everything in me, I apologize for any kind of hurt I’ve ever caused you, my child. Could you possibly find it in you – in time – to forgive me? I promise that as long as I live, I’ll never hurt you ever again, or allow anyone to do so. Please, accept my apology and give me your forgiveness.”
Our eyes locked. Hers were soaked in tears that kept streaming down her face, but that wasn’t the strange part – it was how sincere she looked. My expression, on the other hand, reflected caution, doubt, and questions.
My mind flipped through a hundred things simultaneously. Was the Queen Mother being truthful or was she just playing me? She might be a very good actress.
I got up and took a few steps away from her. I needed to arrange my thoughts before I could reply. I wanted a few minutes to think, and pacing the room seemed like a good way to earn some time.
“You can’t hurt me, even if you wanted to,” was the first thing I said. “I’m the Queen of Alfaidya”
My mother-in-law wiped her tears and nodded, and when I realized she wasn’t going to say anything, I went on, “No one will ever hurt me because I have a whole army to protect me if needed, not because you do or do not allow it.”
She nodded again, still not saying anything.
“I just wanted to be clear that ...” I began, my mind still thinking of what I should tell her in regards to her apology and request for forgiveness.
I took slow steps to the windows at the back of the room, standing in almost the same spot the Queen Mother had stood, feeling her eyes as they followed my every step.
“My mother always spoke to me about forgiveness, about how it cures the heart and frees the soul when given to others. I strongly believe that’s true,” I mused, gazing out the window at the beautiful garden that surrounded the palace.
“Your mother sounds like a very wise woman,” I heard my mother-in-law saying, and I smiled a little.
“She was the best.”
In my mind, the memory of the Queen Mother as she left Talia’s cell played vividly. The look of a traumatized soul on her face was something I couldn’t forget.
I wanted to accept her apology, to forgive her. I didn’t agree with anything she’d done and, I still couldn’t decide if I should.
“You’ve hurt me badly, but I was lucky that Mazen made it in time to save me from your hands,” I started. “It won’t do anyone any good if I keep imagining what would’ve happened if he hadn’t.
“I can’t blame you for everything that happened with Talia. It’s not your fault that I’m sad. It’s not your fault that my husband’s depressed, or that I can’t seem to help him snap out of it,” I said. “I can’t blame you for our broken hearts. It wouldn’t be fair.”
After a few minutes of silence, I spoke. “I can forgive you, Your Royal Highness.” I shook my head then turned around with half of my body to face her, seeing her eyes brighten for the first time in so long.
“I forgive you, but my guard will always be up around you,” I told her. “I forgive you … but I will never trust you.”