Mazen didn’t want to show how angry he was, nor did he want to argue with me in front of anyone. But I knew it was coming. He hated for me to wander around the palace without guards, so, going to a quite a distant faraway place that wasn’t in the plans for the day and wasn’t protected enough was something that might’ve pushed him over the edge.
The elevator ride was silent, but when we reached our bedroom, he finally spoke. “Was the visit to Mona’s house so important that you couldn’t delay it for just one day?” His voice was calm, but his eyes were furious.
“I needed to talk to her ... about something,” I said, my eyes drifting away from his questioning ones.
“Talk to her? You know you could always ask her to come over! You didn’t have to jeopardize your safety!”
“I’m fine.” was the most intelligent reply I could think of.
“But you weren’t safe! How could you be that irresponsible? How many times have we gone over this? You can’t just go anywhere whenever you feel like it. Everything needs to be planned. You’re Queen.” His voice wasn’t calm anymore, and he was frustrated.
“I do realize that, Mazen. But I was safe, and I am fine.”
“Did you have to switch off your phone? Would it be so hard to just let me know where you’re going?”
“You wouldn’t have stopped calling, and if I told you, you would’ve refused to let me go,” I said. “It’s not a big deal; it was just an hour. I’m here now.”
“Just an hour? Do you have any idea how worried I was about you?” he shouted, and instantly I felt the tears burning in my eyes.
It wasn’t like I couldn’t handle an angry Mazen. As a matter of fact, only I knew how to deal with him when he was mad, only I knew how to make him calm in a matter of minutes. But I had so many emotions, like a jar that had been filling for a long time, and suddenly it was all too much, and said jar had to spill everything in it. I exploded.
“Do you have any idea how worried I am about you?” I yelled back, not able to hold back my emotions anymore.
“What?” He sounded like he really didn’t have any clue what I was talking about.
“I’m worried sick, Mazen. Worried sick!”
“What are you talking about? I haven’t left the palace the whole day!”
“You don’t have to leave the palace to be absent. You’re right beside me, but you’re nowhere to be found. It’s been going on for too long, and I’m exhausted!” Tears rolled down my cheeks.
“I don’t even know what you mean, Marie.”
“You know exactly what I mean, Mazen,” I said sharply. “You’re not acting like yourself. You talk to me, you laugh with me, and we make love – but you don’t actually talk, you don’t really laugh – we don’t make love. You’re far, far away. You’re buried deep under things that you keep secret from me. And I hate it. I hate it to no end.”
My tears kept streaming down my face as I watched the look in his eyes change. He wasn’t angry anymore, he was sad – and …
“It kills me to see you this way,” I told him because it was exactly how I felt.
“I’m not hiding anything,” Mazen said in a whisper. “I’m just too busy running the Kingdom, I guess.”
“You can’t lie to me.” I was irritated with him. I was trying to talk it out – no more hiding, and no more pretending – but he wasn’t letting me in. I wondered if ‘tough love’ was what I needed to make things better again like his mother had said.
Mazen grabbed a handful of his hair in frustration, then he huffed, but he didn’t reply to me. He couldn’t even look me in the eyes.
“I know we have both been through a lot, but I’m starting to think that you’re grieving over your ex, and I don’t like it,” I sneered, looking disgusted.
Mazen’s eyes shot to mine, and his jaw dropped in shock. It was my turn to not be able to look him in the eyes. I knew I sounded unfair – I knew that the last thing Mazen would feel was sympathy for his demon of a cousin. But I needed him to have some sort of control over his feelings. It wasn’t like him to struggle that way, to shrug himself out of bad moods. He had actually mastered it.
“Are you serious right now?”
“Deadly.” was all I said as I turned my back towards him.
Mazen took a few steps closer to me, and I felt his hand reaching for me. He touched my elbow and softly pulled me to face him, and even then, I still couldn’t look him in the eyes. I knew he was hurting.
“Look at me,” he commanded, but I didn’t dare. I was too afraid of the look in his eyes. “Look at me, Marie. Look me in the eyes and tell me that you’re serious and not just telling a sick joke.”
My eyes found his, and they spoke with tears, but my mouth couldn’t say anything. When Mazen realized I wasn’t going to speak, he did so himself.
“You’re right. I am grieving.”
My breath caught in my throat, and I almost choked, but I couldn’t do anything other than stare into his eyes, wondering if I could find answers to his unexpected reply.
“I’m grieving over a child with you that didn’t get the chance to live,” he said, and I bit my lips, hurt consuming me as the agony covered his voice. “Do you know why I lost my child, Marie?” Mazen’s eyes sparkled with tears, and I hated myself for pushing him so hard.
“Because I was too stupid and helped the devil kill it, along with the children of my brother,” he choked out.
“Mazen,” I whispered his name. “Not that again, please. I beg you to let this go.”
“How can I?”
A lone tear fell down his cheek, and it took everything in me not to hug him so tight right at that moment and ask him to forgive me for what I said. I wanted him to forget everything right then. Pretending and hiding hurt way less than watching him fall apart. This was even worse than the night following the execution.
“How could I let it go, Marie? How? I’ve tried so hard, but it all comes rushing back when I see the miserable look on my brother’s face – and I keep thinking it must be because of what I did.
“How could I forget when I know very well how bad you’ve been hurting, but you’re still hiding your pain from me? How could I do it when you suffer day after day because I was a fool for too long? I can’t. I just can’t.”
“Mazen, please, you have to stop blaming yourself. It. Was. NOT. Your. Fault. How many times do I have to tell you this? Stop blaming yourself because neither I, nor Rosanna, or even your brother is blaming you. It was fate, and we have to move on, please,” I told him, my hands touching his cheeks and my thumbs wiping tears away.
“It’s so hard. I don’t think I can ever get to the point where I can look at myself in the mirror and not remember what I did.”
“You didn’t do anything, angel. Please, believe that.” I said. “The guilt will eat you alive; it’s already taken so much from our lives. Blaming yourself won’t help, breaking glass is not right, and hitting walls won’t make everything better.”
Mazen looked at me with sorrow covering his face. “Sometimes it’s just too much to bear, and it’s all I can do to just breathe.”
“I know that, but seeing you hurting is like having sharp knives being stabbed into my heart,” I told him. “Do you want me to feel that constantly?”
Mazen shook his head. “Never, my princess.”
“So, please, stop it. Do you want me to feel better and forget the pain? Be better. Nothing hurts me more than watching you suffer.”
He nodded slowly, and our eyes stayed locked with each other for a long moment before we hugged tightly. I could swear I felt all of the pain floating away by the second, and I wanted to believe it would stop there.
“You’re my cure,” Mazen said, and I had to smile knowingly.
“And you’re mine, angel.”
As the weeks passed by, Mazen was somewhat getting back to what he used to be. Genuine smiles and warm laughs filled the air as we held each other’s hand and walked through life.
What sealed the deal was when we had dinner with Prince Fahd and Rosanna. It was something that they literally had never done before; men were always separated from women. I had asked Rosanna first if it would be okay, and she didn’t mind, even though she said she’d have to eat with her face cover on, which I didn’t think would be comfortable – but she said she would manage, and she did.
Dinner with my brother and sister-in-law was very nice. I loved our talks, and Prince Fahd has been always kind to me – to everyone, to be fair. He handled everything with solemn determination, but it always returned the best results.
Rosanna was my best friend; we barely went a day without talking to each other, on the phone if we couldn’t meet. I loved her thoughts and enjoyed her company to no end, and she never held back from advising me whenever necessary. I loved her dearly.
When Mazen started seeing their happiness and realized they weren’t as miserable as he’d assumed, he started to get past the guilty thoughts that had consumed his mind. Within days, he really improved, but I had no doubt that just a little bit of depression was still living in his heart.
It was a given that the four of us would never forget it; each one of us was suffering in our own way. But we let go. Because there was always hope for things to get even better than they were now.
On the tenth of November, Mazen got us two days off, and before I knew it, we were jetting off to some unknown place to celebrate his birthday, which was the next day. He had tricked me into making him pick out his birthday gift – spending those days with me. I was very pleased with the idea, very excited about getting away from everything and just being with Mazen. It was a much, much-needed break.
My shock was evident on my face when we landed. It was the last place I had expected for Mazen to take me.
“Mazen, we’re in New York,” I said.
I heard his soft chuckle. “I know that, princess. You don’t seem excited, though.”
“Please, tell me I don’t have to work.”
“Of course not, my crazy princess!” Mazen said. “This visit is more hush-hush than you can imagine. Only a handful of people know we’re here, and that’s for security reasons only.”
I sighed in relief. “Good to know. It’s the only thing I do here – work, work, work!”
“No. No work. I’ve only been here a few times, and this is the first time I’ve come with you. I want you to show me around, take us to your favorite places and get us your favorite foods from your favorite restaurants.” Mazen came even closer to me and whispered in my ear, “I also want to sleep in your bed, touch you in your tub, taste you on your kitchen counter, and maybe test how strong every wall in your house is.”
His heavy, warm breaths sent waves of lust down my spine, and my eyes rolled to the back of my head as the images of what he was saying sweetly assaulted my mind.
I spent the ride to my house counting in my head how many walls I had.
My breaths were heavy, and my moans filled the air as Mazen’s fingers thrust in and out of me. His own breaths as he whispered the most erotic words in my ears were enough to drive me right over the edge.
“Let me feel you,” he panted. “Let me feel you coming all over my fingers, Marie.” His thumb swept over my clit, and I did just as he told me, coming all over his fingers and screaming in joy as he bit my neck in the most delicious way.
Mazen’s lips stayed on my skin all the while as I rode out my post-orgasmic bliss, kissing my neck, my jawline, and the top of my chest.
I reached out to touch his erection when I felt it rubbing my hipbone as Mazen laid half on the bed and half on top of me, but he stopped me.
I raised my head in surprise. “Wh–…”
“Shhh, just relax, beautiful princess,” Mazen interrupted my question, “This time is only about you.” He smiled, and then kissed my shoulder.
“But you– …”
“I’m fine,” he interrupted again, “relax.” His voice was very soothing that I couldn’t help but rest my head back on the pillow and close my eyes, enjoying his touches and the soft brushes of his lips.
True to his words, we’d spent the past day-and-a-half making love on every surface we could use in my house. It was a honeymoon all over again; as a matter of fact, every day with Mazen was a holiday.
“You drive me crazy, birthday boy,” I said with my eyes closed as I felt his lips on my breast.
“Likewise, my princess.” He kissed wherever his lips landed, and I thought I would never have enough of him. “We only have seven hours left before we have to leave, so we should get out of the house, you know?”
My eyes were suddenly wide open. We’d done everything Mazen had said other than getting out of the house. Well, we couldn’t get food from my favorite restaurant because it didn’t offer Halal food and that’s the only thing Muslims could eat, but we managed vegetarian meals, and it was all great.
I had hoped that Mazen wouldn’t mention my favorite place because I really didn’t have any. But since he did, I wasn’t going to hide anything and was going to tell him my true feelings.
I made a move to get up so Mazen would back away, pulling the white sheets up to my chest. I sat up on the bed, which made Mazen do the same so we would be eye-to-eye. He knew I wanted to say something.
“Uh, … Mazen, I … I really don’t know where to take you?” I said, my words sounding more like a question.
“Is that a question?” Mazen’s eyes narrowed as he smiled. It was apparent I was a bit nervous.
“I guess?” I did it again which had Mazen laughing. He pinched my chin lovingly then spoke, “Just say it, Marie.”
“See, I really didn’t go out much in the past fifteen years, other than school or work,” I said, stuttering a bit. It was embarrassing to confess that I’d been living in a bubble since I was nine, up until my parents passed away and I had to go and take care of their business.
“What?” Mazen looked confused.
“Mazen, the only fun things I did were with you in London and what came after it. Before that … it was just work.”
“Are you serious?”
“Pretty much,” I nodded. “I only had my grandmother and she didn’t like to go out much. I didn’t have friends, so …” I looked down, embarrassed to admit how miserable I was before he came into my life. Heck, my only friend back then was my secretary.
“Okay,” Mazen said. “I understand that, but you must’ve had a favorite place to go to.”
I shrugged one shoulder. “It was always home,” I said, leaving out the part about how I was always anxious around people I didn’t know.
“I see,” he said, seemingly distant. “I’ve always wanted to meet your grandmother. Do you think it would be okay if we pay her a visit?”
Uh-oh.