“Thanks for the ride, Rick!”

“Debra—”

I was out the car, slamming the door and running to get to my room before Rick could finish what he was saying. I couldn’t even explain why I was running out on him like this because had I said anything else, the words wouldn’t be the only thing to spill out.

I raced down the corridor, barely stopping at the door of my room before bursting through. A startled Ruby looked up at me, her face flushing at the guy lying on her bed who she was necking with. I ignored them and headed straight for the bathroom where I collapsed over the toilet and threw up violently. My stomach heaved so hard I felt like I was going to die. Oh, God, what was wrong with me?

I’d thrown up at the restaurant once and the motion of the car on the way over had made me want to throw up again. I’d never had motion sickness before.

The first thought that came to mind once more was that I was pregnant but I wasn’t. My heart clenched tightly, remembering my stop at a pharmacy the minute after I’d left my dad two days after losing my virginity. I didn’t get to take the emergency contraceptive pills before because I couldn’t find the courage to go to the small town pharmacy where Mrs. Harris worked. The pharmacist knew my dad personally. I didn’t want word to get back to him nor my business spreading through the community.

I’d made a mistake sleeping with Lucas. How could he have thought I slept with him because I was trying to get compensated? My father and his angry rants about my mother must have put the thought in his head, but I wasn’t about to forgive him for thinking that of me. Not that he was inclined to ask for my forgiveness anyway. Over two months had passed since Christmas Eve and we hadn’t spoken. I saw him from time to time on campus, always with his crew as usual, but if he noticed me, he didn’t give any indication.

The hardest part was seeing him a few times with a random girl perched on his lap. Those times, I fought hard not to cry. I’d been a fool. It was one thing to have had sex with him but quite another to have fallen in love with him. And in such a short time too.

I closed my eyes as another bout of nausea wrenched at my gut from remembering what had gone down between us after my father had discovered us in bed. The hurtful words he’d spoken to me. The money he’d thrown at me as if he thought he could pay me for what I’d given him. My virginity. And then threatening me about having his baby and using it to get money from him.

Deep down, I knew the words he’d spoken had come from a place of hurt. They were reflections of what he’d told me about his own family, of the women his father had married. But that didn’t excuse the words he’d spoken to me. Would never excuse them. Because he had no premise on which to justify those words. I’d never asked him for anything. Everything he did, he did of his own free will. Had I not protested him dropping me to and from work at first, only caving in when I saw I had no other way to get there? Had I not protested about him taking me to Pagosa Springs? Had I not tried to get out of the private jet?

I grew angrier thinking about it, but mostly at myself. I shouldn’t think about him. He’d made it clear he had moved on with his life without another thought to me. So much for him telling me I was special and he wanted more from me than a wham bam, then ran.

Flushing the toilet, I went over to the sink to stare at my reflection. My eyes were not happy anymore. They had a deep sadness that had never been there before. They might not have been excited all the time, but they had been contented and pleased with the way my life was turning out before I met him. He’d given me a taste of something else, something wonderful, and broke my heart.

I brushed my teeth and marveled at my wan features. I looked a little pale and my face had gotten slimmer. I’d lost weight. Another reason I knew I couldn’t be pregnant. Weren’t you supposed to gain weight during pregnancy, not lose it? And if that wasn’t convincing enough, I’d swallowed the emergency contraceptive pills as instructed by the flap in the pocket and I’d gotten my period. Just last week, I’d been on my menses, albeit for a day and a half and the flow was different. Lighter.

Maybe that was why I felt so horrible. Maybe sex had changed my body. How was I supposed to know what sex did to a girl’s body?

“I wish I’d never met you, Lucas,” I whispered rinsing my mouth and replacing my toothbrush in its holder. Deep down, I knew it wasn’t true. I couldn’t regret the most beautiful experience I’d ever had because although painful, Lucas had loved my body like I couldn’t imagine another guy would have. He had been gentle and considerate.

Leaving the bathroom, I was glad to see ruby’s male friend had left. I felt disgusted at her for a minute. What about the boyfriend she’d been so excited to see over Christmas? No wonder Lucas felt the way he did, although this time, he’d gotten it wrong.

I flopped down onto my bed with a groan. I felt miserable inside. My heart was a wreck and my body wasn’t in much better shape, either. If I didn’t stop throwing up like this, I’d need to go to the doctor.

“Are you okay?” Ruby asked from her bed.

“Yeah, I’ll be fine,” I groaned and buried my head into my pillow.

“You don’t look so good,” she remarked hesitantly. “Have you been to see a doctor? I didn’t want to say anything, Debra, but you’ve been like this for a week at least. You should see a doctor.”

I propped myself up on my arms and decided to confide in her. Who else could I talk to about the changes in my body after sex? Not my dad. He’d come to terms with what had happened and had even apologized for saying the things he had about me being my mother. He was supposed to visit me in Denver and spend a couple days at a hotel. I’d insisted on paying for it. It was the least I could do when he’d made such an important step to finally get out of Pagosa Springs.

“Ruby, I need to ask you something,” I said slowly, not able to look at her. How could I be twenty-one and not know all these things? I was embarrassed but better to be educated by her than be in the dark forever. So I continued. “When you—when you have sex for the first time, you know, lose your virginity, does your body go through changes?”

“Like what changes? Like you’re pregnant?” She looked petrified at the thought.

“No, not that.”

“Are you sure?” she asked, now sitting up in the bed. “You know, it would explain why you’re throwing up. Did you use a condom?”

My face burned bright red. “No, I didn’t, but I took the morning-after pill, plus I got my period twice since it happened so I can’t be pregnant.”

“Wait, so this happened over Christmas!”

“It doesn’t matter when it happened.” I sighed in exasperation. “I simply don’t know why I feel this horrid.”

“Well, there are worst things than pregnancy, you know,” Ruby announced in alarm. “You really ought to use a condom. There are STDs out there to be wary of. Personally, I never let a guy come close to my vagina if he doesn’t have protection. And I always carry my own.”

I swallowed hard. An STD? I never thought this a possibility. But Lucas did get involve with a lot of women. If he had unprotected sex with me, wasn’t it likely he did the same thing with them? My face went white as a sheet and I scrambled off the bed. I needed a distraction.

“I’m going to the library,” I told Ruby, retrieving my laptop from my study desk and pushed it into its sleeve.

“Debra, it’s probably nothing,” she called out to me but I was already out the door.

I’d thought being pregnant was the worst thing to happen to me at this moment, but now I’d gotten rid of that problem, I had to think about STDs too?

Feeling depressed, I walked the short distance to the library although it was some minutes to eleven in the night. I could do with some study. I’d gotten a B on a term paper. Just another way I’d been affected by Lucas. Did other girls go through this much change and get this distracted when they lost their virginity?

I pushed my way into the library and climbed the stairs to the third floor. A few groups were gathered around tables, a little too loud for my taste. I was about to leave and continue to the fourth floor when I heard a distinct laugh. I spun back around, my eyes roaming the room, and found him.

He looked up and our eyes made four. I sucked in a deep breath at the attraction that made it impossible for me to move away. Was it just me or did he feel it too? A hand snaked around his neck, breaking my stupor. He had a redhead on his lap.

Not wanting him to see the tortured look on my face, I turned away and made for the stairs. I swallowed the lump in my throat and prayed the tears in my eyes didn’t fall. What had I expected from him anyway? That he would be faithful to me when we’d not exchanged words in almost three months?

The fourth floor was less occupied and quiet. I found a vacant chair in one corner and powered up my laptop. I couldn’t let Lucas distract me. He could sleep his way through all the girls on campus and I didn’t care! I refused to care. I’d given him not my virginity but also my heart, and he’d chosen to reject the latter.

I brought up the assignment sheet for the course Partnership & Company Accounts which I had gotten a B in. I had another assignment due next week Wednesday, and if I got an A+ on that, at least it would improve my grades towards getting an A for the course overall. Although I worked and did get a lot done, by the time I dragged my tired body off to my dorm, thoughts of Lucas still lingered in my mind.