I breathed a sigh a sigh of relief as I walked away from Lucas. Only God knew how I had kept my cool while so close to him. The blood still rushed in my ears from my fright that he would discover my pregnancy. So far, I’d been successful in disguising my condition with bigger clothes but in reality, my jeans no longer fit. I’d struggled to button them before and now, I left the button and zipper undone. Wearing long, oversized t-shirts I bought from a thrift store, I could hide my pregnancy for the most part.

My baby bump was growing way too fast, and I prayed it wouldn’t get bigger before I left campus at the end of the semester, two weeks from now when my final exam would be held. The gentle curve of my belly protruded and I’d almost fainted when Lucas walked up to me. He’d almost put his hands around my waist. Dear Lord, I would have had a tough time explaining the thickening there.

I glanced over my shoulder to get another look at him. Beneath all the anxiety of talking to him and risking discovery, I was ecstatic he still sought me out. I was relieved he hadn’t forgotten me and moved on to the next woman. The various times I’d caught a glimpse of him around campus, I hadn’t seen him with any women. Usually, he would have had a girl on his lap, hanging on his every word, but not now.

Did he really love me like he claimed? Was it strong enough for him to believe that I hadn’t gotten pregnant intentionally?

At the doors of the library, I held tightly onto the handle and closed my eyes, taking in deep breaths. The dizziness that sneaked upon me every so often was getting worse. I still took the pills for my blood pressure, but it was a constant effort to maintain the level the doctor said it should be. I tried not to stress about exams, how exhausted I usually was, and the little resources I had to prepare for the baby’s arrival. The worrying wouldn’t solve those problems, anyway.

“Hey, you okay?”

I smiled at the concerned look of another student who was trying to get by me and into the library.

“I’m fine,” I told her and stepped away so she could enter. With another cursory look, she went her way.

My next prenatal visit was next week, but I hoped to put it off until the final week of exams. He’d cautioned me to visit an obstetrician if my pressure got too high and the pills weren’t working. An obstetrician here in the city would be costly, though, so I held out for my return home so I could go back to the free prenatal clinic.

I searched around for an empty table to put in some study time which was difficult to locate considering it was the end of the school term. Even those who had never been to the library during the semester would find themselves at the library, trying to cram for exams. I contemplated going back to the room but dismissed the idea. Being pregnant made me extremely tired, and too often, I started to study and fell asleep in bed.

I had share a table with four chairs, but only one other person was sitting there. After a cordial hello, I placed my book and laptop onto the table and only then remembered the envelope Lucas had placed in my hand. I had clean forgotten about it.

Curious as to what this was, I tore one edge and pulled out a sheet of paper. I frowned, seeing the header for the bank which had granted me the full scholarship. Where did Lucas get this? If the bank had a letter for me—and based on the salutation, it was—why had they forwarded it to Lucas and not to me?

I read on past the salutation, the words not making sense to me. I was absolved of my bonding to the bank due to the repayment in full of my tuition? This had to be some sort of mistake. Tipping the envelope, a slip of paper fell out, a receipt for a payment to the bank which equaled my tuition. I gasped at the name on the signature line.

I should have known. Once I saw the letter, I should have figured who was responsible. Why would he do something like this? The fees for the three years surpassed a hundred thousand dollars. Why would he spend such an amount on my behalf and not consult me to ensure I would appreciate it?

I wanted to find him and demand an explanation. I didn’t deserve this money from him. I had no problem with my scholarship and paying back what I owed the bank with my time and service. At least I would know I earned this scholarship. I hadn’t earned this money from him, or was he trying to pay me for my service to him? First the car, now this. I wasn’t used to these grand gestures and wasn’t certain how to accept these gifts graciously. It felt wrong.

Worse, I was keeping the knowledge of his unborn child from him. Plus, I still had one year left to complete my studies. If the bank was no longer funding my final year, who would? Lucas?

I couldn’t face him and risk being close to him again. Because he hadn’t noticed my condition before didn’t mean he wouldn’t if I gave him a second chance at discovering it.

Distracted from my studies, I resorted to the one thing I could use to contact him without us being in proximity to each other. I retrieved my phone from my bag and replied to the message he had sent me four days ago asking me how I was and to which I hadn’t responded.

Why? Why would you do something like this?

Instead of responding via text, he rang my phone. My finger hovered over the end button to hang up the call but I couldn’t. I headed for the bathroom since the library was a silent zone and answered.

“Hello.”

“You know why I did it, Deb,” he said, getting straight to the point. “I can’t make it any clearer to you how I feel about you. I’m here despite you pushing me away, aren’t I?”

I opened my mouth but couldn’t say the words that were formed by my lips.

“Debra, are you there?”

“Ye-yes, I’m here,” I responded. “You know you didn’t have to do any of this. I don’t think I’m entitled to anything of yours just because you’re rich.”

“It doesn’t matter. I know you want to be able to choose where you work after you finish Regis. If that’s what makes you happy, that’s what will make me happy too.”

“But it’s too much.”

“Nothing I have is too good for you babe,” he said passionately, his words squeezing at my heart. “I-I’m trying to figure this out. I don’t understand why we need to take a time off. I already know I want to be with you. I don’t want you to worry about these things, how you’re going to pay for tuition. I paid for next year for you as well.”

“I don’t know what to say. I’ve mixed emotions, Lucas. I know I’m grateful but I also don’t know how to accept this. It’s a lot.”

“You can accept it because it was done out of love.”

I closed my eyes tightly and leaned back against the vanity. The desire was strong to tell him I loved him as well, but it wasn’t the right time. Wouldn’t it seem like I was saying it because he’d spent so much money to take care of my tuition? When I said it to him, I wanted no doubt to be associated with it or for my confession to be misconstrued as stemming from material gifts.

“When’s your last exam?” he asked, filling the silence between us. Again, I heard the disappointment in his tone that I still refused to say it back.

“Um…the twenty-first,” I lied to him. My last exam was the nineteenth of this month and I planned to leave campus on the twentieth and make a beeline for Pagosa Springs. By the twenty-first when he expected us to have our talk, I would be long gone. I also knew he had a course to do over summer school to graduate with the rest of his class, so he wouldn’t be free until June. That would buy me some time. Or maybe I’d lose him forever when he discovered I’d lied and deceived him.

“Mine is the twenty-seventh,” he grumbled. “What are you doing this summer? Will you be around campus?”

“Um…yeah, yeah, I will.” Another lie. “I work every summer to save enough for the start of the new school term.”

“Hmm, maybe you can work up till the end of June when I finish that summer course,” he suggested hopefully. “I want to take you to my condo in Aspen and have you relax, forget about school and work and simply enjoy the summer before the start of the school term.”

“Okay, that sounds cool.”

“You mean it?”

When would the lie stop? “Yes, I do.”

“Hold a sec, babe.” I heard him talk to someone in the background before returning. “I have to go. I’m at a consultation with my professor and he’s ready for me. Really trying not to fail this course.”

“No problem.”

“Debra,” he said my name then went silent.

“Yes?”

“I know we are supposed to be on a break and all but…can I still text you, you know, to find out how you are?”

A tear slipped down my cheek. Tell him! I screamed at myself inside. He was saying all the right things and I was convinced he did love me. Still, I tried to find an excuse not to this time. Loving me didn’t mean he would want and accept our child. He didn’t want a baby. He’d told me that many times. How could I trap him with that responsibility? I loved him and I wouldn’t have wanted a baby with him now if I’d had a choice. Not at this time in both our lives, but it happened and as the changes took place in my body, I was beginning to love my child until my heart ached to think about our son.

Would he be like his father? If our break became a permanent halt to our relationship, would I be stuck looking at a child who reminded me of him for the rest of my life? And that resemblance wouldn’t matter, regardless of how our relationship unfolded. Because I loved him and always would.

“Yes, you can,” I reassured him, vowing to myself I would respond to his calls and texts.

“Good. Well, gotta run. I love you, Debra.”

“I love you too, Lucas.”

“Did you just—”

I hung up quickly, covering my mouth with a hand. I’d never meant to say it back but I did and I couldn’t tell him it was a mistake. I groaned, which caused another girl in the bathroom to look at me curiously. She must have heard my end of the conversation. Several people had. I’d been so caught up in the phone call, I’d only been semiconscious of the different people who walked in and out of the restroom.

The buxom blonde stared at me long and hard. I stared back, wondering why she looked so familiar, but then I remembered she had been in a class I’d taken last semester. Her eyes went down to my belly. My t-shirt had ridden up and showed my unbuttoned and unzipped pants. She glanced away in embarrassment and I hurried out the bathroom, puzzled about what that exchange was all about.

What if I was pregnant? Why would someone look uncomfortable at a pregnant stranger? I pushed the girl from my mind as I hurried back to the table I had occupied. I’d wasted too much time already and needed to catch up on my study, but even going through the material for my first exam, I couldn’t help wondering about the girl’s expression.